someone7 Posted December 13, 2010 Share Posted December 13, 2010 Hi, I was hoping someone could help me out with a little advice! I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, I love him and he really is the best thing that ever happened me. The only problem is our sex life, I like sex, I love being able to express my love for him in that way but he's not as keen! We didn't have sex for about 6 months when we got together, which was fine, he told me he wanted to take things slowly and I was happy with that. Then when we did start having sex it was not very frequent! We probably had sex 4/5 times in the first 2 years! He was a virgin before we started going out and he was a bit embarrassed about this. Anyway we talked about it and I told him I felt like he wasn't attracted to me and he told me it wasn't the case, that he was scared that he wasn't good at it. It has gotten better since then and he does make an effort but I am always the one to inniate sex and he never really shows a huge interest in it. I've had to move for work and we are currently doing the long distance thing so we don't get to see each other as often as we would like but when we do it's the same. I really don't know what to do, like I said I love him so much and I don't want to end things but I don't want our sex life to continue this way! Does anyone think he may be asexual? I don't want to bring it up with him as I know he will get upset and say he isn't. He gets aroused when we are sleeping in the same bed and dreams about sex sometimes but he just doesn't seem interested in actually engaging in it! Even when we are having sex or I am pleasuring him he doesn't seem into it (besides the physically obvious signs). He has struggled with depression and I know the tablets he is on can effect his libido so maybe it's that, although he has changed the tablets with no improvement! I have read some of the other threads like this but I'm still not sure as they're all a little different! Obviously I know only he can really tell me but he's clearly not being honest with himself if he is! Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
ShahidAfridiBOOMBOOM Posted December 13, 2010 Share Posted December 13, 2010 Sounds like it, but it's ultimately up to him if he wants to use the asexual label. But as you said he's not really displaying any interest in sex, so that seems to sum up the issue. You'd have to talk to him about it though, maybe you could show him this and other sites about asexuality. It's not surprising he might deny it as young men in society generally are expected to be sexual so he may have been confused/distressed about how he feels (doesn't feel) on sex. Maybe explain that there's nothing wrong with being asexual, and see what he says. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Stormy Wether Posted December 13, 2010 Share Posted December 13, 2010 Do try to talk to him about it, maybe direct him here and let him look around the site in private. The worst part (in my experience) about being asexual with a sexual partner was feeling the pressure of their expectations and needs and knowing I was failing to meet them. If he is asexual, try to find a way that he will not feel so much pressure, it's a terribly unhappy feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
someone7 Posted December 13, 2010 Author Share Posted December 13, 2010 I really do try not to pressure him but it's really really difficult to lie naked beside the person you love and not want to be intimate with them! (If you have sexual urges of course) I don't know how I can direct him here without being really obvious that I think he might be asexual. I mentioned asexuality to him in passing before but he didn't really say much, I'd say he'd have looked it up if he was curious maybe? He's into forums and things about other stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
LouLou Posted December 13, 2010 Share Posted December 13, 2010 You could just bring it up as something interesting that you have found. And just kinda introduce him to it without making it seem like you think he is. If he is, he'll most likely seek out more info on his own. This is how I was introduced. It was shown to me which made me realize how much it sounded like myself so on my own I researched it. Overtime, I came to the conclusion that I was asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
someone7 Posted December 13, 2010 Author Share Posted December 13, 2010 Yes, i think thats what I'll do, thanks, you've been really helpful! Link to post Share on other sites
samepage1 Posted December 14, 2010 Share Posted December 14, 2010 Also, perhaps it goes without saying, but I think it's pretty clear that this isn't about you at all. He's not uninterested in sex with you because he doesn't find you attractive or love you. From the asexual perspective, I hated that my ex- didn't think I really felt the way about her that I really did. Don't doubt his feelings for you, for you and him. Link to post Share on other sites
someone7 Posted December 14, 2010 Author Share Posted December 14, 2010 I don't doubt it at all, I know he loves me, he shows me all the time in different ways, thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
bitterforsweet Posted December 18, 2010 Share Posted December 18, 2010 I think your answer was in your summary. It’s possible he could be asexual but I don’t think it’s fair to jump to conclusions. Let’s focus on what we do know. You mention he was on medication for depression, which is known to significantly impact the persons sex drive. Even without the medication, depression can make you lose interest in a lot of things, especially sex. Does he see a regular doctor who prescribes him the medication? It might be worth it to bring it up to him to talk with a doctor or psychologist about. Maybe they could work out different medications or a combination that would help? I’m sorry you’re going through this. You can tell that you really love him. P.S. I’m not at all implying that there is anything wrong with not wanting sex, IF that is just how that person is, but again, we don’t know that he’s asexual, but we do know he has an issue with depression. Link to post Share on other sites
Cazz333 Posted December 18, 2010 Share Posted December 18, 2010 Try not doing it. It's hard to resist the urges with someone you love but it's to see if when you don't expect to have it; will he give it to you, having been freed from the pressure of pleasing you, or will he still not want to. The problem is if you're asexual, and don't need/ desire sex to show love you won't really need/ desire it. However, if you feel you are free to intiate it and not have to see it through when you want to then you might do it more often. Instead of thinking, "Oh no. I can't be much good to her because I can't find much in me to pleasure her since I don't get pleasure from it...", he might think: "Well, I'll see what happens. I can say no or yes. I'm free to choose. I'll pick the bits of sex I can handle and manage and substitute the rest..." Basically, pressure reduces the creativity needed to find a sex life that pleases both of you without putting undue stress on what happens, where and when it is, what activity you, how it's done etc. There is a possibility that he's sexual, either slightly so or too depressed for sex... Then you'll have to work with him through his depression to give him the energy to face life. If he's hyposexual, that only very mildly interested in sex, then it's a case of finding the right frequency and not over-pushing his boundaries. Also, be prepared for change because sexual desires and behaviors are dynamic and can change depending on what other non-sexual stuff happens. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
someone7 Posted December 19, 2010 Author Share Posted December 19, 2010 Thanks for your replies :) About not doing it, for the first 2 or so years I didn't ever inniate things with him, and that resulted in us having sex a handful of times, only ever when we were drunk if I remember correctly! Which wasn't great for my self esteem seen as at the time I had never heard of anyone who wasn't interested in sex. Now I innitiate things but I don't put pressure on him to carry it through if that makes any sense! It's working better and I could probably live with this as we are more intimate relaxed about stuff now. About the depression, yeah he sees someone about it but he's being on tablets for the past 10 years or so, which I know seems crazy as I was on them before and it was made very clear to me that it was not a long term solution. I've tried to presuade him to see someone different about it but he's happy as it is. He says he's coming off them gradually but I think he just said that so I won't worry cause that was ages ago and he's still on them! He's talked to his doctor about the sex thing and the doctor said it was issues with his body which I don't really agree with, hes not keen on his body but he's not down on himself massively because of it and he knows I think he's stunning anyway. I kind of half think it's the depression and the fact that he doesn't think he's very good and then I half think he's just not interested in it at all! I will hopefuly have a chat with him about it over the holidays, I am getting myself ready for it! The last thing I want to do is ruin the little time we get together with an arguement if he gets defensive about it! Oh yeah also he could be hyposexual! I'd never heard of that before. I might look into that! There's so many different names for things, it makes my head hurt! Thanks again, its so great to have people to chat to about this! My friends wouldnt get it at all! Link to post Share on other sites
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