Need for Silence or Much Quiet v. Loneliness

[Silent Person]

Hello. This is my first AVEN post, although I have come to this site before. I have always been terrified of posting. I'm in my mid-50's and have tried to return, after a twenty+-year absence from, a sexual persona. It won't work. It just isn't who I am. I decided to post finally because of the thread on the need for lots of personal space. I have not slept in the same room let alone the same bed as someone in over thirty-five years.

When you hit your 50's, and then your mid-50's, the needs for distance and silence can come into conflict with the need not to be alone. In fact, the conflict can become gut-wrenching. In the past, when I visited this site, I wondered if asexuality in general or my asexuality was just a form of high-functioning autism. It's so easy to say, Well, you're "Over the hill; what does it matter?"

I have tried using Personal columns, online and (since I've been asexual so long) in newspapers. Sex *always* becomes an issue, so fast, so darn fast, even in situations where the person corresponding swears up and down that sex is not important. So I suppose my question is, Have any members here achieved peace with their loneliness? Experiencing mid-life issues and contemplating becoming a "senior" alone can be very frightening. As one member in particular said (on the Personal Space thread), even animals invade my space too much, so I no longer keep pets (although I donate regularly to animal causes).

I'm rambling, I think, so I'll just start by thanking this group for existing and asking if the need for silence or a great deal of quiet is an issue other asexual people here have lived with for a very long time. Thank you.

[daveb]

Welcome and have some !

I do enjoy quiet time and alone time, but occasionally feel lonely. In fact, I'm more likely to feel lonely when I'm out in public or with a group of people, even at family gatherings. I felt less like that when I had a girlfriend for a few years, even though we lived half a continent apart. While I would love to find someone to share my life with she would have to be pretty special (asexual, respecting the need for personal space and alone time, accepting and loving me for me and all of my quirks, among other things.). So I don't have high hopes for that happening, but I'm enough of a romantic to never say never. You never know. :)

[Silent Person]

Welcome and have some !

I do enjoy quiet time and alone time, but occasionally feel lonely. In fact, I'm more likely to feel lonely when I'm out in public or with a group of people, even at family gatherings. I felt less like that when I had a girlfriend for a few years, even though we lived half a continent apart. While I would love to find someone to share my life with she would have to be pretty special (asexual, respecting the need for personal space and alone time, accepting and loving me for me and all of my quirks, among other things.). So I don't have high hopes for that happening, but I'm enough of a romantic to never say never. You never know. :)

Thank you for the welcome, DaveB. I also feel more lonely when I'm out in public, except when I go to a nursing home where I volunteer.

I'm estranged from family, whom most of my friends and medical professionals consider responsible for my "condition" (generally terrified of people ). I don't believe a perfect family would have made me turn out "sexed" (my term) or "normal" (I've been silence obsessive since around the age of twenty-three). While there was tremendous and violent emotional abuse, exacerbated when I became a caregiver to the more abusive of the surviving parents, I know I was born this way and that no amount of punishment would have made me similar to them. Asexuality for me has been as much as if not worse a curse than homosexuality is for many people. My weirdness (their word for it, not mine) allowed family to take advantage of me. Their reasoning apparently was that if you're not normal (sexed), and if you're not even abnormal (gay, but at least part of a socially recognized group), then you are an Untouchable.

At the age of 50, I was shown the door by younger siblings after ten years of back-breaking labor for the parent. I now live alone and am not entirely unhappy. The point is that functioning in what I call a sexed world is something I never was able to do, even when I tried to "pass." (I see now in my mid-50's that as a young, naive person, abusive partners were attractive to me because emotional radar told me they would never take the relationship seriously either. Of course, being around abusive partners only aggravated my fear of people in general; and I eventually became a total loner.)

Because I am so grateful to finally post here, I have to add that my disability, while psychological, is not psychiatric. I'm not manic-depressive, schizophrenic, someone with a personality disorder, etc. When I heard of Asperger's Syndrome in 1999, I contacted the leading medical investigative team in the U.S. at the time (San Diego). The head of the clinic, a man whose name escapes me, told me after a phone consultation there was no way someone as emotionally sensitive as I apparently presented myself could be diagnosed with Asperger's.

Very sorry to respond at such length. I did this in part because I'm not sure from your response if silence and distance are absolute needs for you. Are they? If so, as you age, what kinds of interactions with other people make you feel "safe," and most importantly, is the need for silence and distance coming into conflict with faltering physical health? I'm by no means an invalid, but 54 is not 34; and I wonder what the future will bring.

For over twenty years, I have tried to find non-religious or a-religious communities dedicated to silence, but all I found (in the early 00's) was a very expensive chain of Silence Hotels in very desirable places in Europe.

Thank you again for your answer. I hope you have a nice day.

[Tabula Rasa]

For over twenty years, I have tried to find non-religious or a-religious communities dedicated to silence, but all I found (in the early 00's) was a very expensive chain of Silence Hotels in very desirable places in Europe.

Have you looked into a Quaker group in or around your area? They are non-religious and dedicated to silence.

I much prefer silence myself, and I've come to the conclusion that most people will never understand the healthful dynamic around silence.

Welcome to AVEN.

:)

[Silent Person]

Thank you, Mega Mitosis, for the welcome and for the good suggestion (especially since I live in Pennsylvania). If adherence to Quaker doctrine isn't necessary, and if communities still exist in the way they existed in the past, this might actually be something feasible. I'm a Christian, so it's not a matter of entirely different belief systems. I suppose the best thing of all would be a Shaker community. I actually looked into this when I was much younger; the difficulty for me with most faith-based rural or cloistered communities is that your lifestyle and schedule have to be surrendered in order to gain admission.

I wonder if the future will bring more forward-thinking "nursing homes" for high-functioning autistics, because an intense need for (as opposed to preference for) silence is a trait that a lot of young autistics have. A person shouldn't have to sign up for a particular religion or job to get the environment he or she needs to survive. (As for thriving, I forgot that a long time ago.)

[KAGU143]

Hi, Silent Person!

Welcome to the quieter side of AVEN ... (well, sometimes anyway :))

:cake:

I often wondered what I would do if I couldn't find some sort of compatible partner when I got older. (This was before I found AVEN.)

I had come to the conclusion that living in half of a duplex was probably my best option, at least if I could afford it. I was thinking that I would have my privacy and my personal space but that there would at least be somebody nearby who might notice if I became ill or died. Admittedly, I have pet birds and I was most concerned for their sakes.

Would something like that work for you, maybe?

Either way, you can always "talk" to people here at AVEN, and the neat thing about messageboards is that there is no sense of urgency like there is with online chats. If you don't feel like dealing with it at any given moment you can always step away and do something else for awhile.

-gb

[seneca]

I'm 45, so I'm not that far behind you. I do like my peace and solitude. It's the best way for me to be me. I have friends who like me for who I am.

Occasionally I see a father and son playing together and just having fun and really loving each other, and I wonder why that can't be me. So, yes, there is some loneliness.

[Silent Person]

Hi, Silent Person!

Welcome to the quieter side of AVEN ... (well, sometimes anyway :))

:cake:

I often wondered what I would do if I couldn't find some sort of compatible partner when I got older. (This was before I found AVEN.)

I had come to the conclusion that living in half of a duplex was probably my best option, at least if I could afford it. I was thinking that I would have my privacy and my personal space but that there would at least be somebody nearby who might notice if I became ill or died. Admittedly, I have pet birds and I was most concerned for their sakes.

Would something like that work for you, maybe?

Either way, you can always "talk" to people here at AVEN, and the neat thing about messageboards is that there is no sense of urgency like there is with online chats. If you don't feel like dealing with it at any given moment you can always step away and do something else for awhile.

-gb

Hi, GB and Seneca (and thanks *so* much for the warm welcome). I used to keep birds and am always happy to meet someone who has what I call "the forgotten pet!" GB articulated the root of the problem for me--the inability to physiologically live with someone who wouldn't accommodate the silence requirement, which I think exists for people on a continuum. With me, it's not a volitional thing, i.e., a preference or appreciation. (On the other hand, I don't want to give the impression I exploit this need and make it into a source of drama. If anything, it's the opposite, and I tend to just keep moving from one place to another, and now my knees and heels are getting a little worse for the wear.) But something has unexpectedly come up this afternoon, very unexpectedly, related to the silence issue.

I'm female. Very weirdly, after making my first post on AVEN, I heard from a man I went to high school with in the 70's. I had been under the impression he was gay, but he's not. I learned just this past summer that he had been as abused as I was as a child, and I shared my problem about needing intimacy (someone who cares if I wake up alive, someone to go for rides with, etc.) while also accommodating my inability to live in what society considers a "normal" relationship. For example, the thought of someone lying beside me in the same bed and watching television or reading a book, or even sleeping in pitch black darkness: to me this is so foreign as to be a very awful joke.

Anyway, he emailed me and asked if he could see me at Thanksgiving, and already I'm sick to my stomach about it, because I know (from our childhoods) that I *am* emotionally compatible with him. I have been told since the silence-obsession overtook me in my early 20's that it would end up destroying me unless I fought it, but it is inseparable from the obsessive-compulsive traits that include my asexuality. I guess I would just like to know if it's okay to post here if a person is...angry at his or her own asexuality. I have told this man in the past that my dream life would be to be married to someone who lives in another house and who visits and calls a couple times a week, and who I hang around with and certainly care for as a human being. This kind of life would accommodate my need for silence and distance and terror of the opposite sex as a gender who will swamp me out of existence. I know that sounds funny, and certainly no offense meant to male AVEN readers, who I suppose can regard women as a gender that will drain them out of existence.

He said he is definitely willing to consider the separate housing situation (which would be necessary even if I weren't asexual, because he is a smoker and meat-eater and dog-owner). I don't know how to answer his email, but I do know that finally, in my mid-50's, my fragile and complicated personality structure is as much of a threat to me as a very nice neanderthal. Does that make sense? I suppose what I'm asking is actually a much larger question, which is does God really love his/her/its asexual children, because the row does get very tough to hoe.

If anything at all I say here is inappropriate, please let me know immediately or delete it. And thank you again, so much, just for the opportunity to speak the truth about myself.

[Saggia]

Hello Silent Person. Welcome to AVEN I think I do understand a little about your need for silence. I was on my own until both my mother and then my older sister were widowed. I am so different from the two of them I have to run to my room for some quiet. I do think I would be lonely sometimes if I didn't have at least a cat or dog to keep me company, though.

[daveb]

Thank you for the welcome, DaveB.

...

I did this in part because I'm not sure from your response if silence and distance are absolute needs for you. Are they? If so, as you age, what kinds of interactions with other people make you feel "safe," and most importantly, is the need for silence and distance coming into conflict with faltering physical health?

hmm, are silence and distance absolute needs? I guess I would say I do need some quiet space, not necessarily silence, but nothing loud. Over-exposure to loudness can wear me down quickly and make me cranky. Some alone time is probably also key to me feeling like myself. I can spend some time with other people, but then I need to "re-charge" by being alone. I like to travel, but travelling alone means a lot of time spent out in public or alone in hotels. So I get tired and lonely after a little while. On the other hand I can easily spend a whole week or more of vacation at home alone and feel great.

I'm not worried much about getting older and being alone. Two of my grandparents managed quite well on their own and lived to be well into their 90's - these grandparents were on opposite sides of my family, so not married to each other or anything. The only issue I have is I have no real friends locally that I would feel comfortable calling for non-emergency situtations, or just for fun stuff for that matter.

[Silent Person]

Well, after reading posts on this thread, I see that older asexuals are not necessarily as plagued as I am by obsessions. It was the thread on needing to be alone that really got to me and convinced me to start posting, but I see that not all asexuals share that trait either. Bookbabe, my daughter-cat is on the other side of the rainbow bridge waiting for me; I agree life without animals is impossible. (That's why animal charities and activism are so important to me now that I live in a place where I can't have a pet.) Your willingness to live with both mother and sister after their losses is very familiar to me; what a good heart a person has to have to undertake that venture in mid-life. I hope that you get the respect you deserve.

It's funny to mention travel (DaveB). Although I do have people to care if I'm alive or dead, after my last nursing home friend "goes," I'm going to love the Northeast U.S., which is not friendly to the human anatomy nine months of the year. I'd say you're lucky to be in SoCal or, rather, lucky if you live in certain zip codes, and *always* lucky to have the sun.

Thank you everyone for feedback. A forum for asexual people with OCD is obviously what I need :)

[daveb]

I hope you don't mean to say you're leaving AVEN! If you're looking for people with similar concerns as yourself you might find some on the other boards. But you're certainly welcome in this section, too. :)

As for so. Cal., I'm not a "sun" person, and where I live is too close to the desert, so we get lots of hot sunny days (as in over 100 degrees much of the Summer, usually; and even well into October). Today has been overcast and only in the 50's, with similar temps and rain expected for the weekend, and I love it! I have been in places where it snowed in winter (spent 2 years in PA) and didn't mind the cold and the snow, although I never had to do much shoveling. My dream is to move to the Pacific Northwest in another 12 years or so, when I can afford to retire.

[Silent Person]

I hope you don't mean to say you're leaving AVEN! If you're looking for people with similar concerns as yourself you might find some on the other boards. But you're certainly welcome in this section, too. :)

As for so. Cal., I'm not a "sun" person, and where I live is too close to the desert, so we get lots of hot sunny days (as in over 100 degrees much of the Summer, usually; and even well into October). Today has been overcast and only in the 50's, with similar temps and rain expected for the weekend, and I love it! I have been in places where it snowed in winter (spent 2 years in PA) and didn't mind the cold and the snow, although I never had to do much shoveling. My dream is to move to the Pacific Northwest in another 12 years or so, when I can afford to retire.

Wow, I reread what I wrote, and what a slip of the pen (or senior moment). I said I "love" the Northeast U.S. I meant to say I'm going to *leave* it . I'm not a sun person either, so I appreciate how much you appreciated the overcast, rain, and 50's. What I wouldn't give to retire to mountains in Europe, where I spent time there with military relatives: rain, sun, and elevations good on the brain.

Thank you again for being so friendly!

[seasalt]

I was very, very lonely living alone. There were years when it didn't bother me, and other years when I felt like I would disappear off into the black hole. The depression of loneliness was crushing. The last time I moved, I decided to do something radical... for me.

I got a roommate.

Two bedrooms and (most importantly) two bathrooms. My roommate is a single sexual, but she's also an introvert and has a great need for personal space - just like me. If we need a day - two - a week even - to be left alone and retreat into our own heads and be quiet, the other respects that. We get along very well and most importantly, spared each other the disconnection we were both feeling from living alone.

It's just an idea.

[Ziffler]

So I suppose my question is, Have any members here achieved peace with their loneliness? I'll just start by thanking this group for existing and asking if the need for silence or a great deal of quiet is an issue other asexual people here have lived with for a very long time. Thank you.

Welcome to AVEN.

I am at total peace with living alone. Last year my dad passed away, whom lived with me. Now the house is empty except for me, and I love every minute of it. Once a week one of my sisters visits and we watch a couple dvds and eat pizza. That is the totallity of my social life. LOL.

So if I pass away in my sleep, when my sister visits and I do not answer the door she will know that I have graduated to the next life.

I have always liked my alone time though. Most people are social. I am not and never have been. I can only take people for short periods of time, before they get on my nerves. So I am not really a good example of most people in general and asexuals in particular.

Again welcome.

I hope that you make many many more posts.

[Silent Person]

Two bedrooms and (most importantly) two bathrooms. My roommate is a single sexual, but she's also an introvert and has a great need for personal space - just like me. If we need a day - two - a week even - to be left alone and retreat into our own heads and be quiet, the other respects that. We get along very well and most importantly, spared each other the disconnection we were both feeling from living alone.

It's just an idea.

Wow, are you *lucky*. I mean serious luck here. I have posted more asexual personal ads than Carter has liver pills (on sites like CL, which doesn't have an Asexual classified column). I have said all I'm looking for is someone relatively silent who doesn't smoke. You found the needle in the haystack, and my congratulations.

[Silent Person]

I am at total peace with living alone. Last year my dad passed away, whom lived with me. Now the house is empty except for me, and I love every minute of it. Once a week one of my sisters visits and we watch a couple dvds and eat pizza. That is the totallity of my social life. LOL.

[sNIP]

I have always liked my alone time though. Most people are social. I am not and never have been. I can only take people for short periods of time, before they get on my nerves. So I am not really a good example of most people in general and asexuals in particular.

{SNIP}

I hope that you make many many more posts.

Ziffler, thank you so much! What a lovely welcome post.

Get this: I also had my own home, an ugly, depression-era storefront in an ugly section of town. I spent my 30's and early 40's taking care of my own private Pennsylvania. My sexual siblings got me to sell it (my inheritance), move in with aged parent, take care of aged parent 24/7--and we're talking walking the oxen 24/7. I turn 50, and my asexual arse is out on the pavement because of my need for privacy and silence.

I now live in a subsidized apartment that wouldn't be so bad if it weren't a symbol of rejection and abuse so unbearable, it has made my hair fall out. Life is not easy being asexual; not easy at all.

Thank you again, and I hope you don't mind if I add God Bless.