Were You Born Asexual?

[Wanderess]

I am a hereditary one.

Although my mother did get married and had feelings for my father, she found sex disgusting. Later my parents divorced and my mother had no interest in other men. However she is OK being by herself unlike me.

Romantic relationship, tender feelings (and NO manipulations with indecent parts of bodies) - that's for me. And frequent travelling in addition.

[Everytime I think I create]

I've just been wondering. I've seen that alot of you have were once straight or gay or whatever, then decided to become asexual or turned asexual. For me, I've never had any sexual attractions to anyone, ever. When I saw picture of a naked woman I was like, "Uhm, okay. *Clicks on new link*" When my friend who was with me got this really creepy look on his face and smiled. I think we all know what happened.

So just wondering about that. :/

[eliana]

I can recognize when people are good looking but it doesn't translate into sexual ideation or activity. I just can enjoy looking at them but that's as far as it goes, so I probably have always been on the asexual side.

[star-spangled dragon]

I am a hereditary one.

Although my mother did get married and had feelings for my father, she found sex disgusting. Later my parents divorced and my mother had no interest in other men. However she is OK being by herself unlike me.

Romantic relationship, tender feelings (and NO manipulations with indecent parts of bodies) - that's for me. And frequent travelling in addition.

Sorry, Way off the subject, but I'm wondering if your picture is Pentre Ifan, Pembrokeshire, Wales(Cymru)? My ancestors are from there.

On the subject I believe I was born this way, and only recently found a name(label) for myself. Only wish I had found this out sooner. Would have avoided a lot of mistakes.

[Wanderess]

Sorry, Way off the subject, but I'm wondering if your picture is Pentre Ifan, Pembrokeshire, Wales(Cymru)? My ancestors are from there.

Yes, you guessed it right about the picture. I was there in 2004 (even at this very location) and I really loved Wales and Welsh people. I wish I could live there.

[GirlDreamer]

I can recognize when people are good looking but it doesn't translate into sexual ideation or activity. I just can enjoy looking at them but that's as far as it goes, so I probably have always been on the asexual side.

This ^_^ Especially some of the hollywood celebs like Zac Effron, Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp

[cancel account]

I can't really say that there was any indication that I was asexual when I was in my teens, other then I just did not think about sex and really did not worry about. I did date but that was more for the emotional/romantic aspects. When things got too physical the relationship would always end for one reason or another. I do think, in hind sight, that I was born this way. I believe that because it is not something I am interested in changing about myself. It is who I am. I would say that when I was in my 20's and 30's I believed I was just plain old hetrosexual and that I was somehow broken.It is strange because it never even crossed my mind that I could be a late bloomer.

I still managed to get married and have two children. Conceiving my children I believe was the only time sex did not present a real issue for me. 4 years ago (I am now 40) I discovered asexuality and I think on some level I am happier then I have been in a long time. I am still married (20 years now) and it is very difficult. I have essentially lost my best friend since I discovered that I am asexual. But, I can't change who I am and my husband and I believe that our marriage is worth working on. It has taken awhile but I do believe that he is beginning to realize that asexuality is not a phase I am going through and this is who I am. I guess what I am saying is discovering your sexuality is a process and it is not always apparent from a young age but I do not think people become asexual any more then I believe people become homosexual....It isn't a choice like celibacy.

[Silent Person]

If you are an older asexual person, I think you realize in hindsight that you were always asexual (whether you married and had children or didn't). An aversion to sex can explain why you chose partners that you knew weren't good people; it can explain why you felt as though you never fit in; it can even explain going through a phase, however brief, where you were a real "manly man" or "girly girl."

The problem is that asexuality is the *real* "love that dare not speak its name." When people like Oprah do multiple shows on lack of sexual desire--and then fail to bring up the possibility that asexuality is the explanation--it's another way of silencing the truth, I think.

[GirlDreamer]

If you are an older asexual person, I think you realize in hindsight that you were always asexual (whether you married and had children or didn't). An aversion to sex can explain why you chose partners that you knew weren't good people; it can explain why you felt as though you never fit in; it can even explain going through a phase, however brief, where you were a real "manly man" or "girly girl."

The problem is that asexuality is the *real* "love that dare not speak its name." When people like Oprah do multiple shows on lack of sexual desire--and then fail to bring up the possibility that asexuality is the explanation--it's another way of silencing the truth, I think.

Oprah has done that :o I should watch it more often! I would think that someone like Oprah would look at that possibility as well...

[Samael]

That's the common opinion. I would, however, say that it is the lack of a sexual orientation, just like atheism is not religion but the lack of one. When somebody asks "what's your sexual orientation" the person would already imply that you have a sexual orientation, whereas asexuals don't desire sex and thus don't require a sexual preference (ie a sexual orientation).

Actually, I think atheism is a religion or if not a religion, at least a belief. Atheist people believe in the inexistence of a deity, so it's not a lack of religion. Religion itself represents something that certain people believe to be true, without hard evidence to prove their case. Since no one can prove either the existence or inexistence of a deity, both sides, atheists and theists, could be considered as religious. There is a third option, though. The lack of religion is called agnosticism, however, not atheism - meaning that the only facts you accept are those which are proven.

[under_the_radar]

If you are an older asexual person, I think you realize in hindsight that you were always asexual (whether you married and had children or didn't). An aversion to sex can explain why you chose partners that you knew weren't good people; it can explain why you felt as though you never fit in; it can even explain going through a phase, however brief, where you were a real "manly man" or "girly girl."

The problem is that asexuality is the *real* "love that dare not speak its name." When people like Oprah do multiple shows on lack of sexual desire--and then fail to bring up the possibility that asexuality is the explanation--it's another way of silencing the truth, I think.

Oprah has done that :o I should watch it more often! I would think that someone like Oprah would look at that possibility as well...

Sadly so, it's been the inspiration for many of my media rants here lately.

[test account]

I don't think I was born asexual which is why I'm working on becoming sexual - to me that's what I truly am. It's a hard call to make though - I mean, as a child you don't tend to be sexually attracted to other kids no matter what your orientation, although most kids are sexually curious in an innocent way.

The reason I think I'm naturally sexual is that I always envied the kids who had boyfriends and girlfriends. To me it always felt off limits, so much so that if any adult called one of my male friends my 'boyfriend' I got really upset and frightened about it. I felt like I was being dirty and bad. So I'm pretty sure I learned to suppress my appetite for sexuality. And I also got pushed into my mum's religion which had very rigid rules about sex so that suppressed me even more.

I want very much to be sexual, not to fit in with anyone, but simply to feel whole. And I guess that's what finding your orientation is all about - you know it's right when it makes you feel whole. That's just my current take on the situation anyway. It's something I'm still working out and discovering :)

[GirlDreamer]

When I was 11 and a lot of the girls in my class started to talk about boys, they would exclude me from the conversation. So I've been wondering lately if it was obvious to others that I was different even long before I knew it myself. I know I wasn't interested at that time, but it was just when the girls started noticing the boys, so it wouldn't have been that unusual...

[Samael]

When I was 11 and a lot of the girls in my class started to talk about boys, they would exclude me from the conversation. So I've been wondering lately if it was obvious to others that I was different even long before I knew it myself. I know I wasn't interested at that time, but it was just when the girls started noticing the boys, so it wouldn't have been that unusual...

From my perspective, 11 seems awfully young. I think I must have been over 20 before I started realizing that the other guys actually had a real interest in women. Before that I had just shrugged off their "guy talk" as something people do when they are bored to tears and have nothing better to do. I suppose the aromantic orientation coupled with a devil-may-care attitude, ie. easy-going and unconcerned, made sure I was completely oblivious to the existence of common desires.

Does the sexual development of sexual people start so early? You're such a small and unknowing a little child at 11 still.

I don't think people explicitly excluded me from their "talk", but I wouldn't have had any real interest in participating anyway :)

[under_the_radar]

Most kids wanted girlfriends and boyfriends when I was in middle school, like going steady and being more than friends. I think it's normal for preteens to be that way, many girls have their period at age 11 and younger so why is it weird?

[Ziffler]

I've just been wondering. I've seen that alot of you have were once straight or gay or whatever, then decided to become asexual or turned asexual. For me, I've never had any sexual attractions to anyone, ever. When I saw picture of a naked woman I was like, "Uhm, okay. *Clicks on new link*" When my friend who was with me got this really creepy look on his face and smiled. I think we all know what happened.

So just wondering about that. :/

I was born asexual. I did not know that is what I was way back then. There was no label of "Asexuality" back then. I did know I was not attracted to girls and I was not attracted to boys. Back then boys were nude together alot. Swimming at the YMCA and at school was done nude. So I was with other nude boys all the time. I was very comfortable being nude with them, so I decided I must be gay since I was not attracted to girls. Of course I was not gay so I got very frustrated through my teen years. I wanted to be something. I just accepted within myself that I was different from everyone else. A freak of nature, so to speak. Finally in my old age, I discover AVEN and find out I am not alone in the universe. I am asexual and have always been asexual. I am a very old virgin. LOL. Not the oldest here, but up there.

I believe "if" asexuality is an orientation then you are born with it, just like everyone else is born with their orientation. Otherwise it is not an orientation but a lifestyle. I am a nudist, that is a lifestyle. I am asexual and that is my orientation. Saying that, I will say this and it is controversial. If a person was sexual and then late in life becomes asexual then I believe for them it is a lifestyle not an orientation. I believe their orientation is still sexual, but they have decided they are not going to participate in sexual activity any more. So they begin living an asexual lifestyle. Many, Many asexuals, that have always been asexual from birth, choose to try and fit in with society by living a sexual lifestyle for a period of time. It was against their nature, but they wanted to fit in so badly they tried. Because we have this crossover, it is difficult to define asexuality. Who is and who is not asexual? So mostly we accept what people say about if they are asexual or not. Because only the individual person knows for sure how they feel and what attractions they have and if those attractions are romantic or sexual.

So your question for me is simple. I was born asexual and have always been asexual and will die asexual. But because of the many variances others may have more of a difficult time answering your question.

Very good question. Thanks for posting it.

[Samael]

Most kids wanted girlfriends and boyfriends when I was in middle school, like going steady and being more than friends. I think it's normal for preteens to be that way, many girls have their period at age 11 and younger so why is it weird?

Oh I didn't call it weird, I said I didn't understand sexual/romantic interests being developed at such a young age, despite of physical changes. Are these sentiments synonymous, I don't know.

My view is, of course, heavily affected by my own experiences, which are subconsciously projected on to others. Nowadays I'm aware that I'm just an exception to the rule and most people out there are not like me :)

[GirlDreamer]

Most kids wanted girlfriends and boyfriends when I was in middle school, like going steady and being more than friends. I think it's normal for preteens to be that way, many girls have their period at age 11 and younger so why is it weird?

Oh I didn't call it weird, I said I didn't understand sexual/romantic interests being developed at such a young age, despite of physical changes. Are these sentiments synonymous, I don't know.

My view is, of course, heavily affected by my own experiences, which are subconsciously projected on to others. Nowadays I'm aware that I'm just an exception to the rule and most people out there are not like me :)

Of course they hadn't developed sexual interest (I don't think ). They just started to look at cute guys and have those silly first boyfriends that's not serious at all! I've never been interested myself, as an aromantic myself. I never have been interested. I don't think that I started to worry about not being normal until I was around 19 myself. I was just curious if my classmates picked up on me being different so early or if it was just a coincidence.

[Samael]

Ok, thanks for elaborating. I wouldn't know about "silly first boyfriends that aren't serious", because I've never felt a desire for relationships. Call me silly, but in my head a desire for boyfriend/girlfriend would translate to a serious desire to form an emotional/physical bond with another person :)

[Member 35376]

Judging from the time when I found out that my natural state of being in a relationship is poly or even "relational anarchy" (now almost 11 years ago) I can now say.. yes. My identity, everything that is me by my own standards and real life actions, existed before any "social programming" or other types of strong emotions (read: hormones) existed. Even my most basic THOUGHTS are there from the very beginning.. later "blurring" when coming into contact with mentioned things above.

How much time and energy did I spend trying to adapt myself to this world? Too much is the simple answer. I might sound bitter but I don't even know anyone so far who has gotten any "medal" for "perfectly adapting" to this world. Actually I am not bitter at all. I have won myself back.

[under_the_radar]

Ok, thanks for elaborating. I wouldn't know about "silly first boyfriends that aren't serious", because I've never felt a desire for relationships. Call me silly, but in my head a desire for boyfriend/girlfriend would translate to a serious desire to form an emotional/physical bond with another person :)

It's all good, unless you have an extreme need for hand holding and getting all caught up in butterflies in the stomach or grinning so much your cheeks hurt you didn't miss much! :lol:

At the time it was pretty serious business, but not at all like teenage dating or the more heavy physical stuff that is linked with it. More like a step above "best friend" in those formative years would be the best description for it. :)

[GirlDreamer]

I believe that everyone is born with their sexuality. I don't think that it's people's sexuality that changes, but what they know about themselves and the different sexualities out there. Like with me, I always believed that I was heterosexual, because everyone is sexual right? And I knew for sure that I wasn't attracted to girls, and I found boys aesthetically pleasing to watch (or some of them at least :P ) Then I learned about asexuality and what it actually means, so then I thought I was heteroromantic asexual. And after hanging out here a bit more, I learned what aromantic was. So now I know that I'm an aromantic asexual. Some might say that makes my sexuality fluid, but I don't. I've never been interested in anything about relationships or sex.

[eee]

born confused. Experimented the field. Been through heavy trauma. Lived as a questionable romantic sexual for many years. After all the knots and doubts.......realized I am asexual after all, not to mention aromantic too. Not bitter, no longer haggling the past, not scared or repulsed by sex and romance, simply lost complete interest in its components. Who knows, maybe one day prince charming will come and put a spark in my heart and I will drift back into the sexual world.......whatever makes me happy I won't fight it. But then again, I don't believe in prince charming and his great white horse so I'll stay here in my castle and party till I grow old.

[Zardoz]

It's a sexual orientation. You can't will yourself to be ace. You CAN will yourself to be celibate, because you're fed up with sex or whatever, and I think some people get those confused.

Excellent point! A piece of cake for you...

Though I have heard of people's orientations changing over time.

I find this to be utterly bull. What changes is *NOT* people's orientation, but rather their awareness of their true orientation or denial of their true orientation.

Many people I've known throughout my life has claimed to change orientation many times. A female friend of mine for example was supposedly straight, then was involved with a woman and then claimed to be a lesbian for a period of time and then claimed to be straight when she resumed dating men again. I would *NOT* consider this changing orientation at all. Rather it was an admittance of her attraction to women for a period of time but her denial of her bisexuality.

Another example is the "straight" person turned gay or lesbian. This would be an example of realizing their true orientation.

Orientation is static. Our awareness of it however may not be and we may complicate things with our own issues.

Were you born Asexual?

I personally was but it took me time to realize this as it did all people on this board. For some we realized it sooner than other.

One is born asexual. Period. You cannot become asexual any more than you can become another race. However you can realize you are asexual at some point in your life. This is an important distinction, that needs to be made for clarity's sake.

[Mori Bund]

It's not a very simple question...

To know for sure one has to do a study on monozygotic twins (as is usually the custom).

That way one will know whether it is nature or nurture. I have a suspicion that it is a bit of both (as is usually the case), it's called "diathetic model" in psychology.

If it is mostly biological, then, since humans are no longer slaves to Darwinian natural selection, it is reasonable to assume that part of population may either lose the appeal of sexual instinct completely or, have diminished interest in it, without natural selection to keep it in check, and this tendency to lose desire for sex will only increase in our species when artificial insemination and other technological means of reproduction become more accepted and more widely practiced.

[dormouse]

I was born asexual, but only found out 3 weeks ago. All that dreaded sex for nothing!

[twister]

Well it seems I was born this way too - I have always looked at anything sexual in a purely practical way - I was brought up on a farm and sex was all around. I always knew how things happened but really had no interest myself. As I got older I thought that one day something would click and it would all change - people kept talking about that puberty thing and all. Well, that time came and went and nothing changed! I look at people and think they would be nice to know, but then there is a cloud comes over, like driving in thick fog and I have no idea where I should be going. I feel it must be something you are born with as my Mum said she was not really interested in sex. Apparently it was my Dad that initiated it an wanted children, she wanted none at all.

[PiF]

I checked my birth certificate..yes they had them when I was born..It doesn't mention asexuality

[test account]

Was I born asexual? Yes of course. I didn't desire sex with anyone when I was a baby.

Sexuality develops. Some form attractions to other people of both or either sex, some don't. I started feeling sexual attraction to boys when I was about 6 or 7 but I didnt really understand it or act upon it, apart from self-stimulation. But that got brow-beaten out of me by religion so that by the time I was in my teens I felt nothing. I'm only just starting to regain my feelings now in my 30s. So there's some data for you to add to the mix :)

[Shaded]

I'm going to say yes, simply because I have never had any sexual attraction to anyone. ^_^