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Chubby

Viewing pornography

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BlackRose

Ha, I love that video.

My understanding is that for the women who can orgasm without touching, it requires at least a few minutes of intense fantasizing, not something that could just happen with a passing thought. I'm very jealous and I wish I could do that!

There are also some medications which have random orgasm as a very rare side effect.

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GreenRemindsMe

I disagree with Green on asexuals who watch porn are porn addicts.

I said no such thing. I said

a. It's entirely possible the OP's SO is NOT asexual, and is consciously or unconsciously using that label to avoid sex with her, while they get their pleasure from pornography, which is something an addict might do.

b. Claiming you aren't sexually attracted to other people when you become aroused and orgasm to images of them is a hard row to hoe.

As a sexual it is hard enough trying to understand and accept that your asexual partner does not have any interest in sex. But it is even harder to understand that they do have an interest in other people having sex, they can even masturbate to other people having sex.

This is what I was getting at. I can't rationally get my head around it either.

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GreenRemindsMe

Hmnut, I understand what you're saying, and I agree. There is something desperately unfair about anyone, for any reason, saying to their lonely, rejected partner who is suffering from both emotional and physical frustration due to a state of sexlessness within the relationship, "Yes, I do desire/engage in sexual release. No, you're not invited."

P.

I don't see how desiring sexual release through masturbation is inconsistent with asexuality,

it's only when that desire is directed toward PEOPLE (such as in porn) that I could see it being confusing to a sexual.

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hmnut

Sorry if I misunderstood what you were getting a green.

My point really wasn't so much that "Green is wrong" but more along the lines of "maybe sexuals don't know what asexuals are going through.

But my point was a lot more to the point of it seems when sexuals and asexuals are in a relationship the sexual is the one who tries to relate with what the asexual is going through not so much the reserves from what I have seen, I am sure there are many who do but try to understand, several have asked questions on this board to get some insight into sexuals. But at the same in this topic there is an ACE view floating around of "oh you crazy sexuals, why do you care if an ACE watches porn? It has nothing to do with you." That's why we care, because it has nothing to do with us.

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oneofthesun

b. Claiming you aren't sexually attracted to other people when you become aroused and orgasm to images of them is a hard row to hoe.

Watching people is easy: Actually have a relationship with one is hard if you're shy or aromantic. That might be why real-life attraction fails for some people.

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Pamcakes

Hmnut, I understand what you're saying, and I agree. There is something desperately unfair about anyone, for any reason, saying to their lonely, rejected partner who is suffering from both emotional and physical frustration due to a state of sexlessness within the relationship, "Yes, I do desire/engage in sexual release. No, you're not invited."

P.

I don't see how desiring sexual release through masturbation is inconsistent with asexuality,

it's only when that desire is directed toward PEOPLE (such as in porn) that I could see it being confusing to a sexual.

And I didn't say it was inconsistent with asexuality; I just believe that when someone is willing to involve total strangers visually in their sexual release, but not their partner, it's a cruel, selfish and unfair behaviour. I'm sure it's quite possible to be both asexual and an inconsiderate partner.

P.

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P is for...

b. Claiming you aren't sexually attracted to other people when you become aroused and orgasm to images of them is a hard row to hoe.

Watching people is easy: Actually have a relationship with one is hard if you're shy or aromantic. That might be why real-life attraction fails for some people.

i agree. and i wouldn't even say it has so much to do with shyness or aromanticism as it does with something inherent in the phenomenon of lack of attraction. anything's possible theoretically; what takes place in the brain has very little to do with what takes place in reality. it's well known that even many sexual people, given the choice of whether or not to act out a fantasy, would choose not to do so, recognizing that what seems pleasant in fantasy can be downright traumatic in reality.

for asexuals--or at least for some asexuals--this becomes an even more bewildering conundrum. there is a very real disconnect between what they feel when they imagine things and what happens when they are put into a sexual situation. i have heard a number of people say that when that happens, even though they have a sense of what they ought to feel by virtue of their experiences with porn or fantasy or whatnot--they feel essentially nothing. one might say it's akin to a person who daydreams about riding rollercoasters, but who, after going to the theme park and buying their ticket and standing in line for an hour, freezes cold when it's time to get on board and never even sets foot on it. and even if someone persuaded them to, it wouldn't be anything like what they'd imagined, and they'd regret the whole damned thing, without ever wholly understanding why.

i can see easily how people who enjoy both porn and sex, and people who enjoy neither porn nor sex, would have difficulty understanding anyone who enjoys one but not the other. i'm not saying i'm in the latter camp--in fact, i think softcore porn is funny, but that's about it--but i can grasp the disconnect, and i have no trouble understanding why someone might be comfortable with porn but intensely uncomfortable with sex.

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Synergy
i can see easily how people who enjoy both porn and sex, and people who enjoy neither porn nor sex, would have difficulty understanding anyone who enjoys one but not the other. i'm not saying i'm in the latter camp--in fact, i think softcore porn is funny, but that's about it--but i can grasp the disconnect, and i have no trouble understanding why someone might be comfortable with porn but intensely uncomfortable with sex.

I'm learning a lot from the people on this site.

When I got here I quite irritated by all of the jargon and various factions, but the more I read and the longer I stick around, the more it all makes sense.

I have no interest in porn either way other than it looks a bit creepy to me.

The few times I've seen hard-core porn I've found it distressing and quite frightening for some weird reason, but I understand that I'm in the 1% so I guess it's me that's at fault rather than the 99%.

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Hi =)

Masturbation is sex, it's just solo sex. It is undeniably a sexual release, and I will maintain that until you present me with someone who is able to attain orgasm without stimulating their sex organs.

P.

If there is nothing else to sex, then sexual can masturbate himself as well, problem solved. I am saying that the difference is that asexual don't have those other needs that are related to sex, and that require the other person so complain not inviting in something that by definition is not interpersonal activity (for asexual) doesn't make sense to me. I don't see what differences does it make that asexual masturbates or not.

Data, I beg to differ... As someone with an incredibly high sex drive in a relationship with someone that may want to have sex with me once a month, if I'm lucky, I have a LOT of experience with masturbation. This does not solve the problem at all. In fact, it can just make the situation even more lonely, depressing and full of resentment. To me, masturbation is not nearly as satisfying as sexual activity with my husband, so the more I masturbate, I'm engaging something that still doesn't satisfy my need, but is the closest I can get, which just reinforces thoughts of his disinterest, which reinforce feelings of loneliness and frustration.

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Hi =)

I would also like to say that I can completely understand where the OP is coming from. There was a time I hadn't had any sexual contact with my husband in a month, then I went away for the weekend and on my return I was very hopeful that he would maybe want to do a little something. When I called that I was on my way home he even alluded to the fact that it might happen (this was all from him, I didn't bring it up) so for the next two hours in the car I very happy and very excited. However, when I got home, he said that, after the phone call, he had masturbated and now he had absolutely no interest and we could just cuddle. I was DEVASTATING! I had been waiting over a month, hoping he'd get in a mood to do this, then when he does get in the mood, while I'm away, he can't wait less one day?! As per his usual schedule, he was not interested again for several weeks.

Everything else about our relationship is wonderful and I try very hard to be understanding and accept him as he is, but sometimes it's almost impossible not to feel at least a little rejected, resentful and frustrated.

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Data

Masturbation is sex, it's just solo sex. It is undeniably a sexual release, and I will maintain that until you present me with someone who is able to attain orgasm without stimulating their sex organs.

P.

If there is nothing else to sex, then sexual can masturbate himself as well, problem solved. I am saying that the difference is that asexual don't have those other needs that are related to sex, and that require the other person so complain not inviting in something that by definition is not interpersonal activity (for asexual) doesn't make sense to me. I don't see what differences does it make that asexual masturbates or not.

Data, I beg to differ... As someone with an incredibly high sex drive in a relationship with someone that may want to have sex with me once a month, if I'm lucky, I have a LOT of experience with masturbation. This does not solve the problem at all. In fact, it can just make the situation even more lonely, depressing and full of resentment. To me, masturbation is not nearly as satisfying as sexual activity with my husband, so the more I masturbate, I'm engaging something that still doesn't satisfy my need, but is the closest I can get, which just reinforces thoughts of his disinterest, which reinforce feelings of loneliness and frustration.

Sorry if that wasn't clear but that was my point. Asexual lack this need to have sex with somebody else, so you can't say that he have the same sexual release as a sexual. It was Pamcakes that had described sex strictly as an ejaculation/orgasm not me.

I didn't say that lack of sex can't be problem. I was saying that asexual partner watching porn or not doesn't add anything to it.

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Data
However, when I got home, he said that, after the phone call, he had masturbated and now he had absolutely no interest and we could just cuddle. I was DEVASTATING! I had been waiting over a month, hoping he'd get in a mood to do this, then when he does get in the mood, while I'm away, he can't wait less one day?! As per his usual schedule, he was not interested again for several weeks.

That is not the same problem as being asexual, not every asexual have very small libido. If he "wastes" his libido himself then that could be seen as selfish (if he does not find sex discussing or irritating to do, then it would be more complex), but I just don't see what watching or not watching porn have to do with it. I think that this is just projecting "If I watch porn I want to have sex with those people. I am sexually attracted to those people, so if anybody else watches porn he must be attracted to those people". It is the same mistake as saying dog has 4 legs, so everything that has 4 legs is a dog.

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Hi =)

Data, sorry for misunderstanding your point. I've been doing a lot of reading today and sometimes that can cause some misinterpretations.

As for my story not fitting asexuality, most of the time he finds it disgusting, has no interest, but has occasional, very short, periods of interest. As I've said before (maybe not in this thread) I'm not sure if he would actually fall into the asexual category, but due to the huge disconnect between us in this area and what I've read so far, he seems to be at least approaching the outer edges of it. I'm here to learn more and try to better cope with the situation, both through learning and venting/talking about things I can't talk about to anyone else.

Now, back to the main topic, I don't think porn necessarily has anything to do with the people "starring" in it, it's much more about the act being performed and fantasy. Who is in the porn and what they look like can be completely irrelevant.

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Pamcakes

Sorry if that wasn't clear but that was my point. Asexual lack this need to have sex with somebody else, so you can't say that he have the same sexual release as a sexual. It was Pamcakes that had described sex strictly as an ejaculation/orgasm not me.

Oooh, what a dirty fib! I never did. In fact, if you'll read any of my many posts elsewhere on this site, you'll find that I strongly maintain sex is much, much more than that.

P.

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P is for...

Sorry if that wasn't clear but that was my point. Asexual lack this need to have sex with somebody else, so you can't say that he have the same sexual release as a sexual. It was Pamcakes that had described sex strictly as an ejaculation/orgasm not me.

Oooh, what a dirty fib! I never did. In fact, if you'll read any of my many posts elsewhere on this site, you'll find that I strongly maintain sex is much, much more than that.

P.

well, i think the difficulty comes in--and i think you'll agree, Pamcakes--whenever anyone tries to define sex as being one thing to the exclusion of all others, to try to fit it neatly into a box when really, it just doesn't want to go there. that's why the whole concept of virginity is essentially meaningless--as has been pointed out in other threads, such a variety of experiences can be considered to constitute sex that the old model of penetrative sex as necessary to losing one's virginity simply doesn't make logical sense.

so i personally don't see any contradiction in saying that partnered sex is sex, and that masturbation is also sex; they're just different kinds of sex, that's all. using one term for everything can be confusing when every time it's used it can mean something slightly different.

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Data

Sorry if that wasn't clear but that was my point. Asexual lack this need to have sex with somebody else, so you can't say that he have the same sexual release as a sexual. It was Pamcakes that had described sex strictly as an ejaculation/orgasm not me.

Oooh, what a dirty fib! I never did. In fact, if you'll read any of my many posts elsewhere on this site, you'll find that I strongly maintain sex is much, much more than that.

P.

well, i think the difficulty comes in--and i think you'll agree, Pamcakes--whenever anyone tries to define sex as being one thing to the exclusion of all others, to try to fit it neatly into a box when really, it just doesn't want to go there. that's why the whole concept of virginity is essentially meaningless--as has been pointed out in other threads, such a variety of experiences can be considered to constitute sex that the old model of penetrative sex as necessary to losing one's virginity simply doesn't make logical sense.

so i personally don't see any contradiction in saying that partnered sex is sex, and that masturbation is also sex; they're just different kinds of sex, that's all. using one term for everything can be confusing when every time it's used it can mean something slightly different.

This, the semantics of calling so many thing sex leads to confusion.

Pamcakes you had said "Masturbation is sex", if so then sexual can masturbate in other words have sex. Now if sexual just had sex then how can he complain about lack of sex? You see that is the problem with using the same word for things that aren't exactly the same. When asexual masturbates then he doesn't have sex with other person so you can't say that he had the sexual release that sexual needs, and that only sex with other person can give (as that would be impossible by definition). Asexual doesn't feel a need for this part of sex, and that is the difference that I wanted to point out. This difference makes watching porn by asexual irrelevant to the problem "he doesn't want to have sex with me, but he watches porn" is just non sequitur complain then as watching porn isn't related to wanting sex with somebody else for asexual.

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P is for...

Sorry if that wasn't clear but that was my point. Asexual lack this need to have sex with somebody else, so you can't say that he have the same sexual release as a sexual. It was Pamcakes that had described sex strictly as an ejaculation/orgasm not me.

Oooh, what a dirty fib! I never did. In fact, if you'll read any of my many posts elsewhere on this site, you'll find that I strongly maintain sex is much, much more than that.

P.

well, i think the difficulty comes in--and i think you'll agree, Pamcakes--whenever anyone tries to define sex as being one thing to the exclusion of all others, to try to fit it neatly into a box when really, it just doesn't want to go there. that's why the whole concept of virginity is essentially meaningless--as has been pointed out in other threads, such a variety of experiences can be considered to constitute sex that the old model of penetrative sex as necessary to losing one's virginity simply doesn't make logical sense.

so i personally don't see any contradiction in saying that partnered sex is sex, and that masturbation is also sex; they're just different kinds of sex, that's all. using one term for everything can be confusing when every time it's used it can mean something slightly different.

This, the semantics of calling so many thing sex leads to confusion.

Pamcakes you had said "Masturbation is sex", if so then sexual can masturbate in other words have sex. Now if sexual just had sex then how can he complain about lack of sex? You see that is the problem with using the same word for things that aren't exactly the same. When asexual masturbates then he doesn't have sex with other person so you can't say that he had the sexual release that sexual needs, and that only sex with other person can give (as that would be impossible by definition). Asexual doesn't feel a need for this part of sex, and that is the difference that I wanted to point out. This difference makes watching porn by asexual irrelevant to the problem "he doesn't want to have sex with me, but he watches porn" is just non sequitur complain then as watching porn isn't related to wanting sex with somebody else for asexual.

i was actually supporting Pamcakes' point, but i certainly don't disagree with anything you've said, Data. it's just the fundamental difference between a sexual and a libidoist asexual. there may be some areas of overlap, but there's still a disconnect.

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Pamcakes

Sorry if that wasn't clear but that was my point. Asexual lack this need to have sex with somebody else, so you can't say that he have the same sexual release as a sexual. It was Pamcakes that had described sex strictly as an ejaculation/orgasm not me.

Oooh, what a dirty fib! I never did. In fact, if you'll read any of my many posts elsewhere on this site, you'll find that I strongly maintain sex is much, much more than that.

P.

well, i think the difficulty comes in--and i think you'll agree, Pamcakes--whenever anyone tries to define sex as being one thing to the exclusion of all others, to try to fit it neatly into a box when really, it just doesn't want to go there. that's why the whole concept of virginity is essentially meaningless--as has been pointed out in other threads, such a variety of experiences can be considered to constitute sex that the old model of penetrative sex as necessary to losing one's virginity simply doesn't make logical sense.

so i personally don't see any contradiction in saying that partnered sex is sex, and that masturbation is also sex; they're just different kinds of sex, that's all. using one term for everything can be confusing when every time it's used it can mean something slightly different.

This, the semantics of calling so many thing sex leads to confusion.

Pamcakes you had said "Masturbation is sex", if so then sexual can masturbate in other words have sex. Now if sexual just had sex then how can he complain about lack of sex? You see that is the problem with using the same word for things that aren't exactly the same. When asexual masturbates then he doesn't have sex with other person so you can't say that he had the sexual release that sexual needs, and that only sex with other person can give (as that would be impossible by definition). Asexual doesn't feel a need for this part of sex, and that is the difference that I wanted to point out. This difference makes watching porn by asexual irrelevant to the problem "he doesn't want to have sex with me, but he watches porn" is just non sequitur complain then as watching porn isn't related to wanting sex with somebody else for asexual.

That's all very nice, but it in no way justifies attributing to me a line I never typed. I never said sex was "strictly an ejaculation/orgasm", nor have I ever even had such a preposterous thought. Do I think ejaculation/orgasm is unequivocally sexual, and that anyone who tries to claim otherwise is deluded? Yes, I do, but that's a different assertion entirely. One can observe that dogs are, without exception, mammals, without continuing on to the flawed extrapolation that, then, all mammals are dogs.

Masturbation is sex, yes, and most Sexuals in said situation are complaining about the lack of sex with their partner.

However, the chemical release of orgasm tends to remain the same whether gained autonomously or via sexual interaction with someone else; it's the emotional side that feels different, and the physical sensations leading up to the orgasm.

P.

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PiF

there is nothing wrong with porn..loads do/watch it..i don't but i also don't have a problem with it...I might as well be watching a cooking show..not that I do you understand being a manly man...ahem...coff

some asexuals masturbate..almost all do it as a release rather than a sexual act..so it's not unusual for a release to be needed in one way if another isn't there

I see the problem as the relationship and why no sex for so long..the porn and being caught viewing it is just a good exscuse to talk about the problem and as such may have helped you both as clearly some one/two havn't been talking about this problem

what ever the porn has done I would sieze the opportunity to lay some cards on the table and see if you both feel this way or is it just one

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Data
That's all very nice, but it in no way justifies attributing to me a line I never typed. I never said sex was "strictly an ejaculation/orgasm", nor have I ever even had such a preposterous thought. Do I think ejaculation/orgasm is unequivocally sexual, and that anyone who tries to claim otherwise is deluded? Yes, I do, but that's a different assertion entirely. One can observe that dogs are, without exception, mammals, without continuing on to the flawed extrapolation that, then, all mammals are dogs.

You had written

Masturbation is sex, it's just solo sex. It is undeniably a sexual release, and I will maintain that until you present me with someone who is able to attain orgasm without stimulating their sex organs.

P..

So it did look at least to me like this is the only criteria. I had said:

"Is asexual masturbating a sexual release? I would say that not fully," You see not fully as there can be other components to sexual release. I had never said that there is nothing sexual about asexual masturbation just that it isn't exactly the same as having sex with somebody else, or likely even masturbation for sexual.

Masturbation is sex, yes, and most Sexuals in said situation are complaining about the lack of sex with their partner.

However, the chemical release of orgasm tends to remain the same whether gained autonomously or via sexual interaction with someone else; it's the emotional side that feels different, and the physical sensations leading up to the orgasm.

P.

Yet this emotional side can't be attained by anything other then sex? How is that not part of sex then? How it isn't part of sexual release then? Asexual lacks this emotional side for sex, so you can't say that he is satisfying it on his own. If for somebody sexuality is not interpersonal, then how can he do it with somebody else? Not in a meaningful way.

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Pamcakes

"You had written

Masturbation is sex, it's just solo sex. It is undeniably a sexual release, and I will maintain that until you present me with someone who is able to attain orgasm without stimulating their sex organs.

P..

"So it did look at least to me like this is the only criteria. I had said:

"Is asexual masturbating a sexual release? I would say that not fully," You see not fully as there can be other components to sexual release. I had never said that there is nothing sexual about asexual masturbation just that it isn't exactly the same as having sex with somebody else, or likely even masturbation for sexual."

And I would say it is, quite fully. The fact that it isn't exactly identical doesn't make it any less essentially the same activity. I think there is some cognitive dissonance here and/or such discomfort at the thought of anything labeled 'Sexual', that some Asexual people don't want to think they do anything of that nature, and thus convince themselves that an activity they quite enjoy - being masturbation - isn't sexual in nature. But the problem is, it really is. Whether they like the idea or not, it is. Even if you don't fantasise about anything while stimulating your sex organs to orgasm, you are still stimulating your sex organs to orgasm.

Masturbation is sex, yes, and most Sexuals in said situation are complaining about the lack of sex with their partner.

However, the chemical release of orgasm tends to remain the same whether gained autonomously or via sexual interaction with someone else; it's the emotional side that feels different, and the physical sensations leading up to the orgasm.

P.

"Yet this emotional side can't be attained by anything other then sex? How is that not part of sex then? How it isn't part of sexual release then? Asexual lacks this emotional side for sex, so you can't say that he is satisfying it on his own. If for somebody sexuality is not interpersonal, then how can he do it with somebody else? Not in a meaningful way."

It has been explained repeatedly in many, many threads on this site that Sexual people can enjoy sex without romance, but are often very hard-pressed to enjoy romance without sex. It really is that simple.

So, it's not the Asexual's enjoyment that's at issue, here; it's causing an already-rejected partner to feel even more rejected by partaking in sexual fulfilment to the images of other people, but not being interested in any sort of sexual activity with the partner in question, even if that partner were willing to simply 'perform' to give a similar voyeuristic experience.

P.

P.S. I've ballsed up the quote tags so have resorted to old-fashioned quotations; can someone better than me at this fix them? Much obliged.

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Data

And I would say it is, quite fully. The fact that it isn't exactly identical doesn't make it any less essentially the same activity.

It does, that is if you want to give diferent names to things that have diferent properties, that is the point of semantics. How do you decide what part of it is essential or what isn't? Your first try turn out to be a complete failure (orgasm without stimulation), and that was completely arbitrary anyway. I think that you try to simplify emotions to much, "the same chemical release" hey if it is the same then how can masturbation, and sex be diferent for a sexual? (in sex without romance)

I think there is some cognitive dissonance here and/or such discomfort at the thought of anything labeled 'Sexual', that some Asexual people don't want to think they do anything of that nature,

To funny I never had problem with it. I wasn't expected to not feel sexual attraction I just didn't. I didn't have any hang ups about sex. I don't even contribute to any religion or philosophy that confuses sex with morality.

and thus convince themselves that an activity they quite enjoy - being masturbation - isn't sexual in nature. But the problem is, it really is. Whether they like the idea or not, it is. Even if you don't fantasise about anything while stimulating your sex organs to orgasm, you are still stimulating your sex organs to orgasm.

What does it even mean? You can simplify things to the point where they lack meaning. I had said that there is more components to sex then libido, and that you can lack those that make it interpersonal activity. Also why are you talking about enjoyment or orgasm, you can masturbate just to ejaculate without any enjoyment or orgasm, not sure what that changes but you often seem to point that out.

It has been explained repeatedly in many, many threads on this site that Sexual people can enjoy sex without romance

So how is that possible? It must mean that there is a difference for them between masturbation, and sex, but no you will say that they isn't making they behaviour illogical.

but are often very hard-pressed to enjoy romance without sex. It really is that simple

Ok they don't get something that they want, and this is the problem, but I just don't see how it is related to asexual partner watching porn or not, masturbating or not in any other way that he is physically able to have sex.

So, it's not the Asexual's enjoyment that's at issue, here; it's causing an already-rejected partner to feel even more rejected by partaking in sexual fulfilment to the images of other people, but not being interested in any sort of sexual activity with the partner in question, even if that partner were willing to simply 'perform' to give a similar voyeuristic experience.

The problem is that you can't, as soon as it is happens in reality then it isn't the same, that is why sexual people have sex, and some people prefer not to. He can be equally not interested in having sex with those people.

P.S. I've ballsed up the quote tags so have resorted to old-fashioned quotations; can someone better than me at this fix them? Much obliged.

Just copy the quote function. (quote)text(/quote) replace () with [] =

text

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Pamcakes

Honestly, I have attempted to explain this as well as I am able.

After my best efforts, we don't appear to be communicating, so I'm out.

I mean no disrespect, but I don't think there's anything left to say; I have explained my viewpoint as clearly as possible, and I don't think we're going to agree.

P.

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GreenRemindsMe

It does, that is if you want to give diferent names to things that have diferent properties, that is the point of semantics. How do you decide what part of it is essential or what isn't?

Lucky for us we DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE what words mean.

Words have agreed-upon denotative MEANINGS.

Stimulation of one's sexual organs, whether resulting in sexual release or not, is not

A SEX ACT.

It's even referred to by sexologists as AUTOSEXUAL- literally "self-sex".

Also, this does NOT contradict the definition of

asexuality- the lack of sexual attraction to persons of either sex

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under_the_radar

The main point is that porn and relationships don't mix unless it has been a mutual agreement. I don't believe there are any excuses to be made for disrespecting a partner's feelings regardless of being a sexual, asexual, or porn/sex addict. There is no label that makes disrespect okay, anyone who wants to be self serving need not be in a relationship IMHO.

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GreenRemindsMe

The main point is that porn and relationships don't mix unless it has been a mutual agreement. I don't believe there are any excuses to be made for disrespecting a partner's feelings regardless of being a sexual, asexual, or porn/sex addict. There is no label that makes disrespect okay, anyone who wants to be self serving need not be in a relationship IMHO.

Consensus ftw.

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For me Pornography has always been a huge problem. I do not like it for many reasons. Personally, I get uncomfortable watching other people have sex. The act itself makes me feel uncomfortable. Don't even get me started on the internet and porn.....Anyhow, I never use to allow porn of any kind in my house. My husband (who is sexual), likes porn and was exposed to mild types of porn early in his pubescent years. I do not believe his views of porn and sex are unhealthy but I still did not allow it in my house. It was a huge no-no and if I found some I threw it out. However, in our 20 years of marriage, sex has always been an issue. When I discovered I was asexual 4 years ago my opinion of porn in the house began to lighten only because I knew that it was not fair to deny my husband something he felt he needed and since I could not give him what he needed as often as he wanted it I realized something had to give. So, I guess the rule in our house now is that I do not want to see it, I do not want to know it is here. All traces of it must be hidden. That being said, internet porn is off limits as you never know if the people are legal age or consenting. I realize this is a different perspective but I can understand how you feel chubby in that you would like your husband to share that with you. I certainly can't say for sure if your husband is asexual but he does appear to have a voyeuristic nature. Is what he saying true? I don't really know but it certainly is possible. A lot of asexuals enjoy the feelings certain sexual acts create they just don't feel the need to share that activity with anyone. It is purely a physical need and not an emotional one. Would your husband be opposed to you watching the porn with him? What if he watched you masturbate? Is this a viable solution? I am sorry I do not have much to offer. Just a different perspective I guess. Take it for what it is worth. Hopefully, it will help in some way.

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Lucky for us we DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE what words mean.

Words have agreed-upon denotative MEANINGS.

Stimulation of one's sexual organs, whether resulting in sexual release or not, is not

A SEX ACT.

It's even referred to by sexologists as AUTOSEXUAL- literally "self-sex".

Also, this does NOT contradict the definition of

asexuality- the lack of sexual attraction to persons of either sex

I will agree with you to a point, However, a sex act is in fact a sex act regardless of whether it is autosexul or not and this is so for the very reason you say it isn't. Yes, words have "agreed upon denotative meanings" but over time they change. The dictionary definitions may not change but society offers expanded definitions which over time become the accepted norm. For example the term Gay use to only mean Happy, now it is also used to refer to one's sexuality. Bastard means a child born out of wedlock nothing truly negative about that but it carries with a very negative sentiment when used and is often used in ways not fitting the definition. Which brings me to "self-sex", it dose not mean "no sex" it just means that it does not rely on another person to perform it

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metonym

I do not see how masturbation, even if while looking at pornographic or non pornographic images, is sex or means you are sexual or sexually active, in and of itself. Now some people may become obsessed or develop compulsion or if you want to use the word addicted, but you could say the same about computer or television use.

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under_the_radar

I do not see how masturbation, even if while looking at pornographic or non pornographic images, is sex or means you are sexual or sexually active, in and of itself. Now some people may become obsessed or develop compulsion or if you want to use the word addicted, but you could say the same about computer or television use.

I'm confused at what you mean...

For many people it's a substitute kinda like soy milk in coffee versus half and half. The mind is performing a sexual act, the desire a sexual act, the release is a sexual release, but all they have is them self possibly with an image. Now this may not be the case for everyone, but how sexuals talk all clues point to it being a substitute. :blink:

Compulsive or addictive behaviors can be serious whether sexual, gambling, shopping, or any other psychologically induced neurochemical addiction because of dopamine flooding that causes withdraw and damages receptors. If there is over eating and online gaming support groups for addicts and rehab programs because a compulsion has taken over their lives I don't think any stimuli induced addiction is any more or less damaging than another. There are repercussions for so many factors for the addict and their families so if anyone thinks there might be a problem this ingrained or effecting brain chemistry changes making one dependent on a behavior as a coping mechanism I suggest they seek guidance on finding the right help.

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