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Chubby

Viewing pornography

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Chubby

I am new to this site but would be grateful if anyone can help me. I recently found out that my husband, with whom I have not had a sexual relationship for ten years, has been viewing hardcore pornography. He assures me that he does not find the women sexually attractive but he enjoys watching people have sex. I am very upset by the fact that he has been viewing this stuff and I feel that he has not been giving the sexual attention to me but to himself. I wonder if any of the Asexual community could comment on this and let me know if what he has said has any truth to it. This problem has nearly caused the breakdown of my marriage.

Thank you for your help.

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Guest White Walls

Being male (I hate to generalise) most of them engage in viewing pornographic imagery for whatever reason, whether it be to get stimulated or for pleasure or whatever. Which one of you considers yourself to be asexual? Sometimes (I think) it is used as a form of compensating the actual act due to the incapability to actually express the act in itself. I don't really know to be honest, that's just the way I see it.

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Pamcakes

One of the most hurtful flashpoints in my relationship with my ex was when I found him watching porn after not touching me for a couple of months. I nearly left him over that alone. Mind you, everyone's relationship boundaries are different, and "no porn" had been prior established as one of ours, so he was violating a mutually agreed-upon boundary.

I feel your pain, Chubby. I don't know what advice to offer you, but if you want a shoulder, PM me.

:cake: for you

P.

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Lucinda

It would appear, from what you say, that he likes to indulge in voyeuristic activities as he finds them arousing and pleasurable. (I would think using porn is a much safer vehicle than trespassing on private property).

Since what he does and what he says seem congruent to me, I would have no reason to doubt that he is telling the truth.

Lucinda

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-V-

I don't understand why his watching porn is a problem. Unless you both agreed that he wouldn't, and even if he did agree it was probably under duress.

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GreenRemindsMe

If I may, I think a few points are being missed.

1. It doesn't matter if we don't see the problem with porn, many many people do, either because they view it's usage as infidelity, or they object to it for feminist/human rights reasons. It is not for us to say what should be acceptable in someone else's relationship.

2. The OP's problem doesn't sound like an objection to porn per se, but the fact that it's being used by her partner to get off when she so obviously desires sex. Using pornography while being unable/unwilling to accomodate the sexual needs of others is a hallmark of pornography addiction, and it's entirely possible this person has been calling themselves asexual in order to avoid what would otherwise be considered a given in a relationship between two sexuals, either maliciously lying in doing so, or because their addiction is such that they genuinely are not attraced to real life women anymore.

I might take flak from some here for saying this, but I don't care:

I highly doubt those who masturbate to porn are asexual, the very definition of which is a lack of sexual attraction to either gender.

Watching caricaturesque people having sex in order to get aroused and orgasm hardly seems to be something an asexual would do.

There are no easy answers, unfortunately, and the OP will have to consider the three options all of us have probably faced in relationships:

Live With It

Change It

Get Out

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Pandoren

Green, there are a few asexuals on this forum who masturbate to porn- some of whom can only be successful to porn. Watching it doesn't mean an addiction.

I have watched porn on occasion- I've never been interested in the actual people, they have always been irrelevant. I think a lot of it has been curiosity about the big deal and curiosity about certain sensations. I am a libidoist asexual, I've never been sexually attracted to anyone and what I do in the bedroom is something I've never felt the need to share with anyone else, but certain sensations, replicated privately, might be of interest to me. It is the difference between fantasy and reality I suppose- I'm not completely void of feelings, my body sometimes has a libido that comes with it some urges but never actually towards other people, just general feelings. I'm only interested if I'm alone. The urges are for the sensations only, not for partnered interaction.

The OP's partner watching porn doesn't stop him being asexual, but I understand the OP's resentment.

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GreenRemindsMe

Green, there are a few asexuals on this forum who masturbate to porn- some of whom can only be successful to porn. Watching it doesn't mean an addiction.

I don't remember saying that? I said it was entirely possible, since pornography addiction is a growing problem.

The urges are for the sensations only, not for partnered interaction.

Funny, then, that the "sensation" is not enough, and you would instead watch partnered interaction to arouse you and help bring about orgasm. :rolleyes:

Mentioning that was a passing comment on my part. My main point was about the possible pornography addiction, and that it can produce someone who is no longer attracted to or interested in sex with real life women.

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Pandoren

Ah, so you are saying I'm not asexual. You are entitled to your opinions of course.

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GreenRemindsMe

Ah, so you are saying I'm not asexual. You are entitled to your opinions of course.

I'm saying it doesn't seem rationally consistent to say you are not sexually attracted to anyone,

and at the same time become aroused and masturbate to the imagery of people engaged in sex.

That is all.

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Pandoren

I suppose I can see where you see that. To someone who doesn't participate in that, I imagine it is hard to make the distinction. I can tell a difference personally. I can see that there is some grey area in my asexuality, but the fact remains that if I saw any of the people in the street, I wouldn't recognise them and wouldn't care. I've never been attracted to someone, only the acts, and not from a personal viewpoint. I don't intend on ever having sex personally. I admit that my asexuality may be a little "grubby" from this, but I'm certainly not a sexual person and closer to asexual than anything else.

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GreenRemindsMe

I suppose I can see where you see that. To someone who doesn't participate in that, I imagine it is hard to make the distinction. I can tell a difference personally. I can see that there is some grey area in my asexuality, but the fact remains that if I saw any of the people in the street, I wouldn't recognise them and wouldn't care. I've never been attracted to someone, only the acts, and not from a personal viewpoint. I don't intend on ever having sex personally. I admit that my asexuality may be a little "grubby" from this, but I'm certainly not a sexual person and closer to asexual than anything else.

Fair enough. Always lovely to find a fellow vegan, by the way. :D

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sonofzeal

Glad you guys got that sorted out. =)

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Chubby

Just wanted to say "Thank you" for all the comments. They are well constructed and appear to be made without prejudice. I will continute to view the Aven site with interest.

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Trolley In The Dark

I have said this before on a similar thread, but as far as pornography goes, I am indifferent to it. I am neither repulsed, nor aroused (obviously) by it; all is does for me is show me the process of a natural humanly act for which I have no desire, and what the human body really looks like. That's all.

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hmnut

I try to be very understanding of asexuals or at least understanding that I might not be able to understand. But I often questions if asexuals can grasp, at all, what it is like to be a sexual in a relationship with an asexual.

Does watching porn mean you are not an asexual? I don't know but also I don't care.

I disagree with Green on asexuals who watch porn are porn addicts. BUT I would agree that asexuals who watch porn are giving their partners the same problems as porn addicts. Is it a distinction without a difference? I don't know and I don't care.

I do not believe there is anything wrong with watching porn, nothing at all. But porn is a sexual activity. If you are getting enjoyment or arousal from porn that is a sexual act.

As a sexual it is hard enough trying to understand and accept that your asexual partner does not have any interest in sex. But it is even harder to understand that they do have an interest in other people having sex, they can even masturbate to other people having sex.

If an asexual masturbates to porn there should be some way to include their sexual partner in that. Maybe not sexual intercourse but there seems like there should be something’s they could do with each other so both of them are recieving sexual pleasure together. In fact that's the whole point of sex (well emotionally anyway).

I think porn is fine, I think using porn in a relationship or to help a relations is fine. But there is something inherently wrong with not being unwilling to be sexual with your partner while being willing to be sexual porn.

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Trolley In The Dark

For me, it's pretty much no different than watching people do ANYTHING for which I have no interest.

For example, no way in hell would I EVER want to go bungee-jumping (did I spell that right?) off a bridge, or a cliff, because I'm just petrified of heights. But does that stop me from watching someone else do it on TV? Absolutely not!

Nor am I terrified of seeing someone else do it, nor am I thrilled. All I am doing is watching someone do something that they themselves as individuals consider to be an essential part of their lives, be it a natural humanly act or an extreme hobby.

I just don't see pornography to be anything all that different from watching someone having fun in whatever fashion they please.

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Pandoren

I realised last night that I do, in a way, find it interesting and it probably wouldn't make any difference if the people in it were humans or aliens. Alien sex... imagine that rofl. And make of this comment what you will rofl

(hmm... what WOULD you call someone who is sexually attracted to aliens?)

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Pamcakes

You would say they have a paraphilia, not an orientation, as orientation can (scientifically categorically speaking) only be within the human race.

Perhaps a xenophile?

P.

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Pamcakes

I try to be very understanding of asexuals or at least understanding that I might not be able to understand. But I often questions if asexuals can grasp, at all, what it is like to be a sexual in a relationship with an asexual.

Does watching porn mean you are not an asexual? I don't know but also I don't care.

I disagree with Green on asexuals who watch porn are porn addicts. BUT I would agree that asexuals who watch porn are giving their partners the same problems as porn addicts. Is it a distinction without a difference? I don't know and I don't care.

I do not believe there is anything wrong with watching porn, nothing at all. But porn is a sexual activity. If you are getting enjoyment or arousal from porn that is a sexual act.

As a sexual it is hard enough trying to understand and accept that your asexual partner does not have any interest in sex. But it is even harder to understand that they do have an interest in other people having sex, they can even masturbate to other people having sex.

If an asexual masturbates to porn there should be some way to include their sexual partner in that. Maybe not sexual intercourse but there seems like there should be something’s they could do with each other so both of them are recieving sexual pleasure together. In fact that's the whole point of sex (well emotionally anyway).

I think porn is fine, I think using porn in a relationship or to help a relations is fine. But there is something inherently wrong with not being unwilling to be sexual with your partner while being willing to be sexual porn.

Hmnut, I understand what you're saying, and I agree. There is something desperately unfair about anyone, for any reason, saying to their lonely, rejected partner who is suffering from both emotional and physical frustration due to a state of sexlessness within the relationship, "Yes, I do desire/engage in sexual release. No, you're not invited."

P.

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Confused1987

Hmnut, I understand what you're saying, and I agree. There is something desperately unfair about anyone, for any reason, saying to their lonely, rejected partner who is suffering from both emotional and physical frustration due to a state of sexlessness within the relationship, "Yes, I do desire/engage in sexual release. No, you're not invited."

P.

And that's where the dilemma comes in. What does a sexual do when their partner has that attitude? How are we supposed to feel when they obviously do get some enjoyment out of a sexual act (whether they themselves view it like that or not) but they dont want to have anything to do with us?

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Olivier

Hmnut, I understand what you're saying, and I agree. There is something desperately unfair about anyone, for any reason, saying to their lonely, rejected partner who is suffering from both emotional and physical frustration due to a state of sexlessness within the relationship, "Yes, I do desire/engage in sexual release. No, you're not invited."

P.

And that's where the dilemma comes in. What does a sexual do when their partner has that attitude? How are we supposed to feel when they obviously do get some enjoyment out of a sexual act (whether they themselves view it like that or not) but they dont want to have anything to do with us?

Well, I think the thing to do when faced with "I like sexual things, but not with you." is to understand where that sentiment is coming from as best one can.

It might be coming from some form of resentment in a relationship between two sexuals. It might be coming from a desire to use sex as an instrument of control or punishment (regardless of the orientations involved). And it might be coming from an orientation clash - a desire for sex with someone with a different gender to you, or asexuality - a sincere desire to have one's libido satisfied by neither men nor women.

All of those could explain that situation, and to know which one it is requires a knowledge of your partner, uncoloured by wishful thinking, and a willingness to listen to their own explanation with as much trust as they have earned.

And if it turns out to be the last - asexuality - then the thing to do is: to accept that that is who your partner is. It's probably also a good time to make sure your partner is acting like someone who accepts your sexuality as normal and valid, too. And once a mutual acceptance is arrived at, you should talk - about what it's like for each of you to accommodate the other's sexuality. For each of you it may be easy, it may be tricky and require creative and collaborative solutions, or it may be impossible. My wife and I are fortunate that "impossible" doesn't apply to either of us, and unfortunate that "easy" doesn't either, but we thrive on challenges, especially shared ones.

Back closer to the topic, before we discovered asexuality we thought that rather than an orientation mismatch we had a libido mismatch, and while the issue of my partner using porn never arose, other unpartnered sexual activity did, and caused much angst on my part. Part of our solution is for her to view sex not strictly as a partnered activity, but something she's doing for herself, with my help - or something that I'm doing for myself, with her help - if that makes any sense to anyone but us. :rolleyes:

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BlackRose

Hmnut, I understand what you're saying, and I agree. There is something desperately unfair about anyone, for any reason, saying to their lonely, rejected partner who is suffering from both emotional and physical frustration due to a state of sexlessness within the relationship, "Yes, I do desire/engage in sexual release. No, you're not invited."

P.

And that's where the dilemma comes in. What does a sexual do when their partner has that attitude? How are we supposed to feel when they obviously do get some enjoyment out of a sexual act (whether they themselves view it like that or not) but they dont want to have anything to do with us?

That seems like a serious incompatibility in the relationship. I'm not sure why a relationship like that has lasted as long as it has, but I would suggest either leaving the relationship, or finding an individual therapist to help you figure out why you can't seem to leave a relationship where you feel lonely and rejected.

By the way, there seems to be some misunderstandings of asexuality: asexuals can still be sexual! Asexuals can and often do masturbate to porn, have a sex drive, and enjoy sexual acts; they just aren't sexually attracted to other people.

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Data
Hmnut, I understand what you're saying, and I agree. There is something desperately unfair about anyone, for any reason, saying to their lonely, rejected partner who is suffering from both emotional and physical frustration due to a state of sexlessness within the relationship, "Yes, I do desire/engage in sexual release. No, you're not invited."

Is asexual masturbating a sexual release? I would say that not fully, sex is understand as a need to do it with somebody else, you can't say that he is satisfying a need that he doesn't have. How can somebody else be involved into not interpersonal activity? Only as a redundant object. The compromise could be in looking beyond this act itself, you can do something that to your mind feel silly/not important, but you do it becouse you want somebody else to feel better like say customs or traditions.

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Pamcakes

Masturbation is sex, it's just solo sex. It is undeniably a sexual release, and I will maintain that until you present me with someone who is able to attain orgasm without stimulating their sex organs.

P.

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Gatto

Masturbation is sex, it's just solo sex. It is undeniably a sexual release, and I will maintain that until you present me with someone who is able to attain orgasm without stimulating their sex organs.

P.

The author of this book: http://www.amazon.com/Woman-Intimate-Geography-Natalie-Angier/dp/product-description/0395691303

...claimed to have interviewed a woman who can think her way to orgasm without any physical stimulation. Apparently this is possible. I dunno. I haven't done much research on it.

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BlackRose

Masturbation is sex, it's just solo sex. It is undeniably a sexual release, and I will maintain that until you present me with someone who is able to attain orgasm without stimulating their sex organs.

It is possible for some people to attain orgasm without touching sex organs, or without any touch at all:

http://www.wired.com/medtech/health/news/2007/01/72325

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2549/can-some-people-have-orgasms-without-genital-stimulation

That being said, it's still a sexual release: in fact, MRI scans showed no difference in orgasms with or without genital stimulation.

Edit: Ha, Gatto beat me. :)

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Pamcakes

Masturbation is sex, it's just solo sex. It is undeniably a sexual release, and I will maintain that until you present me with someone who is able to attain orgasm without stimulating their sex organs.

P.

The author of this book: http://www.amazon.com/Woman-Intimate-Geography-Natalie-Angier/dp/product-description/0395691303

...claimed to have interviewed a woman who can think her way to orgasm without any physical stimulation. Apparently this is possible. I dunno. I haven't done much research on it.

I can only imagine the patience it takes to develop such a talent.

P.

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Data

Masturbation is sex, it's just solo sex. It is undeniably a sexual release, and I will maintain that until you present me with someone who is able to attain orgasm without stimulating their sex organs.

P.

If there is nothing else to sex, then sexual can masturbate himself as well, problem solved. I am saying that the difference is that asexual don't have those other needs that are related to sex, and that require the other person so complain not inviting in something that by definition is not interpersonal activity (for asexual) doesn't make sense to me. I don't see what differences does it make that asexual masturbates or not.

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Gatto

Masturbation is sex, it's just solo sex. It is undeniably a sexual release, and I will maintain that until you present me with someone who is able to attain orgasm without stimulating their sex organs.

P.

The author of this book: http://www.amazon.com/Woman-Intimate-Geography-Natalie-Angier/dp/product-description/0395691303

...claimed to have interviewed a woman who can think her way to orgasm without any physical stimulation. Apparently this is possible. I dunno. I haven't done much research on it.

I can only imagine the patience it takes to develop such a talent.

P.

Maybe it comes, er, arises, naturally, for some portion of the population. But it could be an inconvenience. After all, people can't always control their thoughts.

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