Is this me?

[nothormones]

I am 53 years old, married and have 8 children (2 bio- 6 adopted). I have struggled with this issue all of my life. Many have blamed it on two very unfortunate experiences in my past. I was molested by a stranger when I was 7, and again by my family physician when I was 18. Outside of those two experiences, my husband has been the only male I have dated or had sex with. I told him before we actually married that I had no sexual desires and that I couldn't promise him I'd change. He wanted to marry me anyway, and things have been wonderful except in that department, as I'd kind of anticipated. I guess I hoped I'd change, but I haven't, and I feel guilty each and every day of my life for what I've denied him over these past nearly 30 years.

Like many others have suggested, I suppose my reluctance for anything sexual in nature could stem from those two past experiences, but in my heart of hearts I don't believe so. I also had a complete hysterectomy at 29 and my husband truly believes that's where all my "trouble" is; lack of hormones. However, I was on hormone replacement therapy all those years (still am- vegetable based estrogen patch) and nothing had changed.

I first heard of being "asexual" in an article I read that included such people as Oprah Winfrey. The article described me to a tee, and in reading many of the posts here, I find myself as well. I kind of brought this idea up to my husband and he is adament about me seeing this woman he knows who works with hormones and compounding, and he wants me to start using these hormones to help me feel more sexual. I have an appt. to see her in a few weeks, but I feel so bad because I really don't want to take a bunch of hormones, but I also don't want my husband to ever think that I don't love him enough to care to do it. I do love him, with all my heart. He is my best friend, and it just pains me that I can't be sexual for him.

The bottom line though is I have never had any sexual feelings for anyone. I don't get "turned on" and never have. Certain things like kissing and certain touches are like fingernails on a chalkboard for me, if that makes any sense. I tingle, but not in a pleasant way. It hurts. We basically have agreed on sex once per week (for which he has to take one very expensive little pill) and even that is too much for me. I just don't get it. It makes no sense to me why anyone desires it. My husband has explained it to me, and has told me that for men especially there is like this build up that has to be released, but I have never felt that and it seems so very foreign to me. Sometimes I actually feel angry about him wanting it. I'm tired and I just don't care about sex, and it can make me irritated that he "has" to have it. Like my body needs to be used. And I know that's so not what he is about. He is the most loving, kind and patient man ever and I love him beyond anything I can put into words.

Is there anyone out there who can relate? How can I make things work and yet not fake it? I don't mean sex either. I can't even fake it because I really don't get it. More than anything I just want to be okay. I want to be able to accept myself, and I want my husband to accept me and not see me as oppositional, or wounded by my childhood, or hormone deprived and just refusing to "fix it". I need for him to know that this is me, and I pray he loves me just the way I am............

[Hirii]

Trust me, he loves you just the way you are, otherwise he wouldn't have spent 30 years of his life by your side. I remember I had a boyfriend who dumped me after a year just because sex was extremely difficult for me. I definitely can relate to your words... I just wish I had the right words myself to tell you how wonderful you are.

Welcome, nothormones!

PS: Excuse my English, it's not my mother tongue. :redface:

[nothormones]

Thank you so much! I have been walking around with a lump in my throat all day over this. It's nice to know there is someone else out there who understands. And I think your English is perfect! :)

[Hirii]

Fortunately, you will find lots of people in here who understand and are willing to listen and help. I'm one of them. :)

Have some

[BLANK BLANK BLANK]

You've already had hormone treatment. Given what you went through in your youth, and the fact that you already tried to get "Fixed" but it didn't work, and he's been married to you for 30 years, I think you should tell him that this is who you are, and he will accept it. If he was just looking for casual sex, he'd have dumped you litterally decades ago.

[nothormones]

You've already had hormone treatment. Given what you went through in your youth, and the fact that you already tried to get "Fixed" but it didn't work, and he's been married to you for 30 years, I think you should tell him that this is who you are, and he will accept it. If he was just looking for casual sex, he'd have dumped you litterally decades ago.

Thank you, Godsmack. I'm not quite at the point that I can tell him, but I hope he's receptive when I do. I know he'll never leave me, as I would never leave him either (we joke about the fact that we'll come after one another if one or the other leaves the other with all these kids with special needs). I just feel like it's this big elephant in the room either way......

[daveb]

Sorry, I don't have anything helpful to say. But I did want to say welcome and have some and best wishes!

[mariposa]

Hi. Thank you for sharing your heart. I can empathize with many of the things you mentioned...being sexually assaulted in my childhood....having been married and trying to handle the feelings of not enjoying the sexual part of the relationship. Having been single for 7 years, I realized it wasn't just "who" I was when I was married, perceiving that the "pressures to have sex" was hindering my ability to participate. It was who I am...and the last couple of years, after reading about "asexuality", realizing that I fit into this way of life. Well, I've rambled enough....take care.

[nothormones]

Thank you daveb and mariposa. I really appreciate the warm welcome. I am amazed at how many feel similarly to myself. And here I thought I was all alone....

[Nyxks]

Speaking as someone who also had a hysterectomy at 29 and who had no sexual interests before it took place what so ever the hysterectomy actually for a short time after the OP, gave me a sex drive - ya for a few days after the OP I was feeling really wacky down there (the tech who had to do an ultra sound actually gave me my first O - talk about embarrassing for her and me). But that passed rather fast work up on day 4 to being back to normal and in instant and official menopause.

I chose not to do HRT, but I did settle for a herbal version that at least has helped in one area (I think, not sure since I've always been dry down there till I started taking the supplement n when I miss a dose well it remains dry - shrugs).

At any rate, my hubby knew I was asexual from the start - I was very open with him about being that way but like yours he wonted to marry me anyhow. I agreed to give him sex at least once a week if not daily depending on how things where going (aka enough time and what not), but its not something which is high on my list if must do's I rather cuddle with him and fall asleep in his arms any day of the week. But i give him the sex he asks for, I can get into it to a minor degree - but most of it is very much mechanical feeling and when its over its like, great now we can get back to the cuddling and our lives.

I actually got raped because I came out as asexual to a roommate - he said not possible, I'd just not found the right guy - the rest they say is history. Even another ex said it wasn't possible and that was after showing him this site - he still didn't believe that anyone could be asexual and tried to prove it to me ::rolls eyes:: - one relationship I was in before this one that didnt think being asexual was the MtF I dated who identified as an asexual bisexual asexual because no sexual attraction but bisexual because of having sex with either gender. He was the only person who i though understood me, we where in an asexual open poly style relationship for close to 5 years before he called it off (he called it off almost 4 months after I got married, he didn't like being second fiddle to my hubby).

So your not alone in being married to someone who needs to have sex on a daily basis or will take what they can get when they can get it and more often the better. Don't have any solutions to the matter, other then to show him the site here and talk about it with him, but even then its not likely to help but it won't hurt at least.