TransWhatevers of AVEN

[binary suns]

It didn’t help that their way of learning how to “support” me is to talk to a counselor and not me, so they just never actually reached out to me in a meaningful way at all. I mean I feel bad because I should appreciate it as something. I should live the wisdom beggars can’t be choosers. But still it leaves the reality that feelings are not mutual. They care about me but because I’m hurt by them, I struggle to feel the same way back. 

 

 

I dont even care anymore if this makes me look like an ass or ungrateful. So be it. If I am an ungrateful ass, then I am as I am. At least I have the relief of understand exactly how my cold heart is shaped. 

[butterflydreams]

I feel like I’ve been out of this thread forever! Just catching up now. @999papercranes and @Phoenix the II, you both had such great news to share. I’m so happy for you! Phoenix, you won’t soon forget that “ma’am” incident. I still remember the first time I male-failed very fondly.

 

I guess I haven’t been around much because I’ve been super busy. I officially have a partner now. We talked about what to call each other yesterday. I nervously suggested they could call me their girlfriend. But they agreed! I’ve truly never felt more cared for and safe than in this relationship. My partner is so freaking caring, sweet and kind that it kills me. Because of this, I’ve been able to do things I never thought I’d be able to do. Including my first kiss in public yesterday evening. I was really scared about that, but they seem to just know how to push my boundaries in a way that makes me feel like I’m going to be ok, even if I’m scared. They’re supremely respecful in all circumstances. Always wondering if I’m ok with what’s happening. They genuinely like me for me. Even if I’m physically configured a little bit differently. I’ve never felt so much like a woman than when we’re together.

 

I thought I’d share that update here. I guess...if that’s something you want, never ever ever give up. Even if you’re sure it won’t happen. I was positive it would never happen to me. But then...it all happens. Just like that.

[daveb]

5 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

Just like that.

That all makes me so happy for you! (and a little teary-eyed)

[Ix Phoen]

1 hour ago, float on said:

They care about me but because I’m hurt by them, I struggle to feel the same way back. 

When dealing with people who hurt you, purposely or not, the only way to stay close is to figure out their safe sides (any aspect of their life that doesn't damage you) and only interact with them from there. Then you still have to be careful, just like you don't run with a knife or wave it around carelessly, even when you've got it by the handle. If there isn't a safe approach with a specific person, then you may have to avoid them entirely. 

If you parents go to a psychologist about their reactions to you as if their pain is the most important, but never find out what you need from them in order to reduce YOUR pain enough to trust them,... well, when all their effort only makes them feel better, then it's not for your sake at all, is it? You can challenge that, if you feel strong enough. But sometimes people just aren't capable of noticing other's needs in certain areas. It's not your job to stay around so they can keep hurting you while telling themselves that they've done everything they can to fix the problem. 

There is no "should" in this world that can include not feeling what you feel. Emotions are like nerves. They let you know it when something pinches, bruises, or cuts you ... and even when you don't know what caused the pain you still know that you stubbed your toe on something in the dark. You don't question that feeling in your toe just because you can't figure out whether the chair got in your way on purpose or whether it only hurts so much because you were already bruised. 

 

Even if your parents don't intend to hurt you, the fact is that they do. There is nothing wrong with recognizing that and avoiding that "element" that damages you no matter how careful you are around it. Anything less than caution and distance is a bit like shoving your hand into a drawer full of sharpened knives because "they don't mean to cut me" ... well, maybe it's not intentional on the part of the knives, but that doesn't mean you have to put yourself in harm's way and trust them when they are not capable of protecting you from themselves.

You are not ungrateful when you recognize your own pain and keep yourself safe.

 

I know you probably know all this already, but from my own experience it often helps to have the truth reaffirmed when people close to you constantly challenge it and blame you for not accepting their perspective as the only valid way to experience a situation. 

[nerdperson777]

7 hours ago, Lars0fMars said:

Wait....WHAT?! How the hell does someone get triggered by a PLAIN t-shirt??! My dad disowned me for wearing a shirt that said 'I'm so gay I shit rainbows' during my 'i'm-a-lesbian-but-havent-found-the-right-one' phase--but that was because of the gayness of the shirt, not the type of shirt persay. I shouldve been more thoughtful about wearing the shirt at his house but it was late at night and I was out of clean pajamas, I literally had no choice. That's pretty crazy though, I wouldve opened the jacket anyway and told him to look at it ITS A POLYESTER BLEND, DAMNIT!

Aawwh luckyyyy! I was hired on at my job before I decided to go through with my transition so everyone already knew me as Caitlin. Some are respectful enough to use my real name though, which I do appreciate. They do the same thing to my buddy who's a transwoman too, always calling her David. Ughhh I hate people sometimes. >.<

It's not a plain t-shirt.

 

And I was wondering why he's freaking out then because one uncle was with us when we went to lunch so he would've seen it.  He said he didn't see until now, being that argument moment.  I'm sure with him, he's afraid that I'll make everyone uncomfortable, because no one really thought about how how comfortable I was.  It might not hurt him, but every time I'm misgendered, there's a stake in me.  I even told him this, but he has not used any different pronouns.

 

I guess I was fortunate that I found out my gender before I started working, while I was in college.  By the time I graduated, I had been comfortable being the name I chose, and by the time I was hired, it was just right.  It also helped that I passed pre-T, other than my occasional voice slips to a higher pitch, not that anyone questioned it.  I had started trying to get T maybe two months after I was hired, since now I had some income.  Co-workers just think I'm sick due to my lower voice. *shrugs*

[binary suns]

@butterflydreams congrats! I’m really happy for you! Your partner sounds wonderful and you seem so happy   

[binary suns]

@Ix Phoen omg thank you so much! Your words mean so much to me! You are so right and it’s scary how I just emotionally struggle to see that truth. 

 

I. .. don’t have much to say... it’s a lot to process and I just got back from physical therapy. I need rest. 

 

Thanks  

[SkyWorld]

I love my mom and I’m really glad that after years, she’s finally coming around. But holy shit, is she so ignorant about trans issues. And just refuses to listen to me.

 

There’s a reason so many trans people have considered or attempted “critical self harm”. And harrassment and discrimination in the workforce. She claims how it’s not anyone’s business. And yes, she’s right. But she also says how as long as I’m not “flaunting around” or telling people what I “prefer”, it’s no big deal. That’s where it really hurts. Medically transitioning isn’t something someone can hide, it’s very obvious. And for people to keep gendering me as female is not okay with me and it hurts more and more. It is a big deal to me, and she simply does not understand that.

[SkyWorld]

Holy shit, it just got worse. I’m trying so hard to talk to her about it and all she says is that she does understand, but I “chose” to do this. That “you make your bed, you lie in it”. 

 

I haven’t cried in a really long time, but wow... it’s basically her saying that I deserve to be discriminated against simply because I wanted to be more comfortable in my own skin and find life worth living...

[binary suns]

Mm my family keeps having moments where they suggest I should be NB and their belief of it is only reinforced by my slow transition and general stoic attitude towards gender of pronouns. 

 

So I don’t have the heart to tell em that I’m definitely a woman. I mean I’m a nb woman in identity but a binary woman in social effect. So it’s not exactly wrong that they think that of me. 

 

I’d like to sit down with family and talk to them about my gender so they understand. But my sis is too busy, my mom always turn the conversation into “teach Teagan things” and my uncle .. our friendship has been confusing and stressful. I don’t like opening up to him about personal stuff. 

 

But this of of course doesn’t really change the imbalance that people “get” cis male and cis female from years of seeing that .. so they don’t have to sit down and explain their gender to each other. I guess it’s a good thing my parents seem to get nb okay enough. But I wish I was just full binary girl not Demi girl, so that I wouldn’t be lying if I just told them they had to see me as a woman or else. 

 

 

Like me I don’t care if people gender me male but at the same time. I need to be a woman. So ... what can I even say. I’m not a good guide and I’m stuck with how that just comes back to haunt me. 

 

 

 

But anyway they just don’t get that it’s going to take me five years to fully transition and we’re not yet half way there. 

 

I may have a consultation with a surgeon scheduled in two months but I’m scared what I’ll do when it gets here. I do NOT trust my mom to caretake. And there’s no one else. I need to have a family or close friend available to me there right? 

 

I hope not. 

 

I wanted to talk to my gender counselor about that but I was having a panic that day so we worked through that instead. Was important but, still feels like a waste. At least she agreed to see me once a month now instead of once every six weeks. 

 

 

 

It really sucks having invisible disability while going through transition because the people I rely on never realize how much trouble I’m in. I don’t realize it half the time. Because Im clever at cognitive and eloquent and I can be well socialable at times and display confidence. It just hides the stress I live with and the difficulty I face. 

 

 

 

I doubt doubt my friends on aven really even understand how fucked  I am. 

 

When im in the shits I just don’t even post. I’m forcing myself to finish this and not edit out the drama. I already muted a lot of it tbh. No, that is mostly not honest, I mean I’m not going into full detail but tgis post has been relatively stream of thought with storytelling tweaks. I managed to tangent four times and not actually tell the thought I originally wanted to. So it’s incorrect to claim this post is hiding much. It’s just four incomplete thoughts that fit together convincingly. 

 

 

 

[binary suns]

At every quarter I’m convinced I’m just a quarter away from being functional too. So that bias just warps what others see even more so, because it’s only what I report that gets heard. 

 

 

[SkyWorld]

I’m really so fortunate to have someone like my granddad in my life. Who has been 100% supportive from the get go and continues to support me. I legitimately feel like I’m only alive today because of him. I’m kind of terrified of the idea of what I could even do without him. 

 

I know some people who aren’t fortunate enough to even have a single supportive family member and them going through life just trying to be themselves and happy. I know it’s so hard and it’s just a harsh reality that I wish could change sooner.

[:)(:]

4 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

It's not a plain t-shirt.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

 

 

 

And I was wondering why he's freaking out then because one uncle was with us when we went to lunch so he would've seen it.  He said he didn't see until now, being that argument moment.  I'm sure with him, he's afraid that I'll make everyone uncomfortable, because no one really thought about how how comfortable I was.  It might not hurt him, but every time I'm misgendered, there's a stake in me.  I even told him this, but he has not used any different pronouns.

 

I guess I was fortunate that I found out my gender before I started working, while I was in college.  By the time I graduated, I had been comfortable being the name I chose, and by the time I was hired, it was just right.  It also helped that I passed pre-T, other than my occasional voice slips to a higher pitch, not that anyone questioned it.  I had started trying to get T maybe two months after I was hired, since now I had some income.  Co-workers just think I'm sick due to my lower voice. *shrugs*

You have nice fingers! With me I like looking at people hands and the rings and skin types and wrinkles ! I think yours hands look really cool like the way they taper and the way the ends are shaped.

 

I could not read the shirt tho . I am not Leonardo da Vinci 

[binary suns]

2 hours ago, SkyWorld said:

Holy shit, it just got worse. I’m trying so hard to talk to her about it and all she says is that she does understand, but I “chose” to do this. That “you make your bed, you lie in it”. 

 

I haven’t cried in a really long time, but wow... it’s basically her saying that I deserve to be discriminated against simply because I wanted to be more comfortable in my own skin and find life worth living...

I am very very sorry  I'm teary myself from that! Don't listen to her please  

 

 

(since I'm absolutely horrid at consolating people) there is merit in the idea that people get what their work earns... but that doesn't make that hard work that earns it into nothing. It takes time, and emotional labor, and physical labor, to bring change into effect, and expecting everything of someone just doesn't respect that in any way. She's turned "good work earns rewards" into "lack of rewards means you aren't worth anything" which is toxic and don't believe it okay? You can reach that comfort, your own authentic skin, that life worth living... it'll take work but you're already on the right track.. don't let her bad advice distract you from what is true... that you're doing alright and you're on the right track, whatever its destination... keep moving forward and trusting your self

 

 

wait was that actually okay in the end?

[daveb]

29 minutes ago, :)(: said:

I could not read the shirt tho . I am not Leonardo da Vinci 

I can't see enough of the first part
something, "this shirt", something, "you are openly gay", (something?), "lesbian, bisexual, transgender, asexual, pansexual, or if you really love cats. Have fun figuring out which one."

[binary suns]

1 hour ago, SkyWorld said:

I’m really so fortunate to have someone like my granddad in my life. Who has been 100% supportive from the get go and continues to support me. I legitimately feel like I’m only alive today because of him. I’m kind of terrified of the idea of what I could even do without him. 

 

I know some people who aren’t fortunate enough to even have a single supportive family member and them going through life just trying to be themselves and happy. I know it’s so hard and it’s just a harsh reality that I wish could change sooner.

 we're each of us only alive today because of our own self, our own strength, our own drive for it. No matter how hard it gets, we are the one who pulls us through. It is true that there are some times when significant intervention is necessary from someone else tho. But as blessed as it is to love and accept the beauty of the assistance of true support.... without our own strength, that support would support air. You are strong, SkyWorld, if you can't believe it now, I am sorry, and hope that my faith in you means something. 

[binary suns]

[---ar] this shirt, you are openly gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, asexual, pansexual, or if you really love cats. Have fun figuring out which one.

 

hm 🤔

[Andiamo]

1 minute ago, float on said:

[---ar this shirt, you are openly gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, asexual, pansexual, or if you really love cats. Have fun figuring out which one.

"If you wear this shirt, you are openly gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, asexual, pansexual, or if you really love cats. Have fun figuring out which one."

 

If I remember correctly.

[binary suns]

Ah! Then I want that shirt 😊

 

 

er, well, not that one, but another copy of it 😉

[SkyWorld]

4 minutes ago, float on said:

 we're each of us only alive today because of our own self, our own strength, our own drive for it. No matter how hard it gets, we are the one who pulls us through. It is true that there are some times when significant intervention is necessary from someone else tho. But as blessed as it is to love and accept the beauty of the assistance of true support.... without our own strength, that support would support air. You are strong, SkyWorld, if you can't believe it now, I am sorry, and hope that my faith in you means something. 

Thanks. I haven’t really considered that. It just feels less alone when there’s people there for you. But still, thank you so much for your words, and I’ll try to remember them.  

[binary suns]

☺️ Having people with us is love itself!

[nerdperson777]

2 hours ago, SkyWorld said:

Holy shit, it just got worse. I’m trying so hard to talk to her about it and all she says is that she does understand, but I “chose” to do this. That “you make your bed, you lie in it”. 

 

I haven’t cried in a really long time, but wow... it’s basically her saying that I deserve to be discriminated against simply because I wanted to be more comfortable in my own skin and find life worth living...

I get that.  My parents' logical thinking is the best way to be normal is to not have anything that makes us abnormal.  Well, of course it seems easy for them.  Being different just means that you're prone to being bullied, if the bullies know what your difference is.  So don't be different!  Then there's nothing to hide!  Oh yeah, if it were that easy.  I was afraid of being gay due to my preference for female friends.  I wish my parents would research and learn something from it.  I think my mom probably has done research, since she's always thirsty for knowledge, but she's too scared to change and apply it.  My dad will never do any research.  He will just believe whatever he wants.  Mom and I are convinced that his brain is slowly decaying because he's just exercising all day and not doing any mentally engaging tasks.  Once he was in the middle of asking me a question and then stopped so I had to ask him to finish his question.  He forgot he was asking me a question.  My parents can see that I'm more comfortable being masculine, but the way they treat me socially still has some work.

 

2 hours ago, float on said:

Mm my family keeps having moments where they suggest I should be NB and their belief of it is only reinforced by my slow transition and general stoic attitude towards gender of pronouns. 

 

So I don’t have the heart to tell em that I’m definitely a woman. I mean I’m a nb woman in identity but a binary woman in social effect. So it’s not exactly wrong that they think that of me. 

 

I’d like to sit down with family and talk to them about my gender so they understand. But my sis is too busy, my mom always turn the conversation into “teach Teagan things” and my uncle .. our friendship has been confusing and stressful. I don’t like opening up to him about personal stuff. 

 

But this of of course doesn’t really change the imbalance that people “get” cis male and cis female from years of seeing that .. so they don’t have to sit down and explain their gender to each other. I guess it’s a good thing my parents seem to get nb okay enough. But I wish I was just full binary girl not Demi girl, so that I wouldn’t be lying if I just told them they had to see me as a woman or else. 

 

 

Like me I don’t care if people gender me male but at the same time. I need to be a woman. So ... what can I even say. I’m not a good guide and I’m stuck with how that just comes back to haunt me. 

 

 

 

But anyway they just don’t get that it’s going to take me five years to fully transition and we’re not yet half way there. 

 

I may have a consultation with a surgeon scheduled in two months but I’m scared what I’ll do when it gets here. I do NOT trust my mom to caretake. And there’s no one else. I need to have a family or close friend available to me there right? 

 

I hope not. 

 

I wanted to talk to my gender counselor about that but I was having a panic that day so we worked through that instead. Was important but, still feels like a waste. At least she agreed to see me once a month now instead of once every six weeks. 

 

 

 

It really sucks having invisible disability while going through transition because the people I rely on never realize how much trouble I’m in. I don’t realize it half the time. Because Im clever at cognitive and eloquent and I can be well socialable at times and display confidence. It just hides the stress I live with and the difficulty I face. 

 

 

 

I doubt doubt my friends on aven really even understand how fucked  I am. 

 

When im in the shits I just don’t even post. I’m forcing myself to finish this and not edit out the drama. I already muted a lot of it tbh. No, that is mostly not honest, I mean I’m not going into full detail but tgis post has been relatively stream of thought with storytelling tweaks. I managed to tangent four times and not actually tell the thought I originally wanted to. So it’s incorrect to claim this post is hiding much. It’s just four incomplete thoughts that fit together convincingly. 

 

 

 

You're like my "opposite" in terms of gender then.  I'm a NB guy with the social interactions of a binary one.  I have a binary male presentation.  But I'm not a man though.  I think my mom uses the NB part to invalidate me.  She has to tell me that certain things are neutral so that I would do it, like getting me to use lotion because it isn't feminine lotion.  I also have neutral face wash.

 

I have a friend that doesn't mind to be seen as male.  That part confuses me.  The logic part of my brain that I learned from my mom, which is erroneous, made me doubt her gender, when I first met her.  She presents as male and wears male clothing.  Only us friends call her she, and when she's in safe spaces, she uses those pronouns.  If I was still on my old thinking, I would've thought that the only thing that "proves" her as female is that she has taken hormones.  But I should know not to go by what my parents taught me.  My friend is a girl, even if she presents male most of the time.  She doesn't even seem to hide that she's grown boobs so they show through her male dress shirts.  I think her boobs are even bigger than mine.  But I should know, there are many ways to be a gender.  Even myself is an anomaly.  I'm like a guy who has many feminine characteristics, which I don't care to shake off.

 

You are always free to reach out to us to discuss your feelings.

 

48 minutes ago, :)(: said:

You have nice fingers! With me I like looking at people hands and the rings and skin types and wrinkles ! I think yours hands look really cool like the way they taper and the way the ends are shaped.

 

I could not read the shirt tho . I am not Leonardo da Vinci 

Many people have told me that I have nice fingers.  I guess they're aesthetically appealing (I don't experience aesthetic attraction).  I'm told that it's a genetic thing.  My maternal grandmother had fingers like that, long and slender.  I think if I had my paternal grandmother's fingers, they'd be short and fat.  That picture was from at least a year and a half ago.  I wonder if my hands look different now.

 

and @daveb is most correct.  The beginning is "wear this shirt if"

[binary suns]

😮 I guess, having my family accept me and do their best to support me - that’s love! Even tho by my experience I feel betrayed by their poor ability to give support.... they aren’t there to be trans health experts. My trans health consultant is! And my endo. And my surgeon, when I meet her. 

 

Um... so even if I need to have hard boundaries to protect me from my family’s need. I am blessed to have what good I do have by their love. 🤗

 

 

 

maybe this can can help keep me strong. It wont erase the loneliness and betrayal I feel from them. But I like to be an optimist if I can 

[Ix Phoen]

1 hour ago, float on said:

But this of of course doesn’t really change the imbalance that people “get” cis male and cis female from years of seeing that .. so they don’t have to sit down and explain their gender to each other. I guess it’s a good thing my parents seem to get nb okay enough. But I wish I was just full binary girl not Demi girl, so that I wouldn’t be lying if I just told them they had to see me as a woman or else. 

You know, it's okay to inform them, right? When you explain yourself you are giving them the chance to demonstrate their love for you by accepting your truth thoughts and experiences, and that offer is not something you should feel ashamed of. 

 

It hurts when they fail to see that chance, so try to make it very blatant. Example: I'd love it if you'd use feminine pronouns for me most of the time. It would feel like Christmas, but less expensive.

 

And, sad to say, repeating yourself often (even though you feel like a broken record) will make it clear you're not just going through a passing fancy. It's easy for them to forget what you said or twist it to mean what they expect it to mean (if you're too vague). 

 

The challenge for all of us in relationship is to learn to tear away our illusions about each other and interact based on the reality. In a way, we cannot truly love until we find the truth to love. 

 

The process of creating a loving bond can be sabotaged at two points. Either on the end of the one discovering new information, who might reject or disbelieve it instead of responding with loving acceptance; or on the end of the one communicating who might withhold essential data out of fear they will be rejected or disbelieved. 

 

It feels risky to be that vulnerable, especially when depression shadows how you experience events. However, your family is most likely to understand you if you allow yourself to be starkly vulnerable.

 

Warning:  Only you can know whether they are capable of responding in a way that won't devastate you, and how firmly you must present that information in order for them to see past their assumptions to the truth.

 

Avoid them if there's almost no chance at all that they will come through, or might even take advantage of your vulnerability. Find a strong support system outside the family to help you recover if you're certain they choose not to accept your truth. Give them the chance to see your truth often and consistently if you think their true self is capable of accepting you.

 

Courage, friend. There are more people in the world than those whose patterns you understand by repeated experiences.

 

You may find your closest family elsewhere. 

[binary suns]

@nerdperson777 thanks  

[binary suns]

I just wish I were stronger. If I had been stronger, I would've stepped up to defend my right - when my mom, uncle, and sister all infringed on them. But I was not. And cannot expect past-me to have been anyone different than who she was. 

 

I can be stronger in the future tho. And I certainly have been strong! 

 

ah, I am lost in emotion at this point. 

 

 

sorry for spamming the thread today  

[nerdperson777]

1 minute ago, float on said:

I just wish I were stronger. If I had been stronger, I would've stepped up to defend my right - when my mom, uncle, and sister all infringed on them. But I was not. And cannot expect past-me to have been anyone different than who she was. 

 

I can be stronger in the future tho. And I certainly have been strong! 

 

ah, I am lost in emotion at this point. 

 

 

sorry for spamming the thread today  

It's okay!  Let yourself out!  We have times when we need to vent!

[binary suns]

@Ix Phoen thanks!

 

 

———

 

that shirt...  im disappointed it doesn’t have greysexual, and says “cats” instead of “your pets”

 

oh, I guess dogs people are expected to be openly out about it, while cat lovers have some criticism? Eh, but I see that last part as a way to give allies a reason to wear this shirt. 

 

But  lookit me picking apart a witty shirt to avoid dealing with my tears. 

 

 

———

 

Btw in bed now. Started crying from it all.  Uh, stopped from writing, damn it! I need good cries 

 

... 😔

 

 

ok so what was I going to say.

 

one was- I see myself as a blunt person. I value bluntness. I want to be someone I afraid to be blunt. 

 

I’m not sure exactly how keeping secrets and discretions gets into that. Sometimes what is blunt is changing the subject. Doing errands instead of delaying them. Uh, did I just answer my own question? 

 

 

 

 

You are all right, all of you who gave me advice today. I need to come back tomorrow and get that info assimilated into my head. 

 

I really need my sleep now. Goodnight everyone!

 

 

 

 

[:)(:]

1 hour ago, daveb said:

I can't see enough of the first part
something, "this shirt", something, "you are openly gay", (something?), "lesbian, bisexual, transgender, asexual, pansexual, or if you really love cats. Have fun figuring out which one."

Thanks ! I tried but i did not understand it very well by myself !

[:)(:]

1 hour ago, float on said:

[---ar] this shirt, you are openly gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, asexual, pansexual, or if you really love cats. Have fun figuring out which one.

 

hm 🤔

Only one? I am at least two...

i guess I can’t wear that shirt 

 

😱😭