Attachment Theory

[Southpaw]

Thank you again to everyone who participated so far!! I'm glad to see most of you agree with the results. I won't be done with my research paper until around the end of May, but if any of you want a copy, I'll be sure to send you one. I'll probably end up posting it somewhere on the forum, too. Please continue to reply to the poll if you haven't already!

Asexual and preoccupied. Which is exactly the result I'd expect - when I'm away from my partner I can't stop thinking about them and when we will next meet, and at the same time worry (irrationally) about whether she likes me - at least as much as I like her. Then again long-distance relationships may skew these results.

Interestingly enough followed link to the quiz which did the same thing for parents and best friend. According to that I'm (extremely) dismissive of parents and reasonably secure about best friend.

Out of all the people best friend is the only person who I could see every day if I wanted to - coincidence?

I didn't even know there were parent and friend quizzes- hmm! That's interesting...I wonder how long-distance would effect the results, but I'd guess it would be pretty much the same, except that you might be more on the secure side of preoccupied when with your partner in real life.

I am asexual and my attachment style is IT DEPENDS ON WHO THE PERSON IS AND HOW LONG I'VE KNOWN THEM

Yeah i was thinking that as I was answering the questions, trying to come up with some average attitude.

I also think, that as we are asexual if we see sex as a potential problem issue is going to distort our results.

Anyway I got:-

According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 4.17, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 3.00, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).

(That put my little blue dot just at the end of the first rung of the low avoidance ladder)

Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the preoccupied quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships.

But I think Im higher in avoidance that that, as the sticking point for me is actually letting myself get into the relationship to start with (always been a bit that way, but its much worse since I became asexual- it just feels weird to get into a romantic relationship without sexual attraction to me- I guess it feels like there something missing).

It could be that it's difficult for you to get into relationships, but once you're in one, you're very concerned with keeping your partner and about the status of the relationship- but, only you'd know the answer! Mm, it does seem different for asexuals beginning relationships, it seems.

Your control group isnt doing very well, maybe you need to post somewhere else as well to get that; its all pretty useless wthout it after all... of course its hard to know where to post without distorting results (even AVEN for asexuals might not be that great- we clearly have time to be here meaning we might have less tendency to be in a relationship, or more tendency to be having sex related issues within one)... I wouldnt think sexual forums to get the sexual results are going to be any better (but I think it needs to be on the internet to lessen the distortion of time and relationship issues, so the church picnic is probably not the place to get the sexual results). Can of worms eh!

Haha yeah, I'm not really looking for much of a control group though, since there have been many published studies on attachment styles with sexuals and this is the first ever study of attachment styles with asexuals, so I'm not too concerned about that, but I do think it would be better if I could find asexuals who aren't members of AVEN to respond, or a larger number of asexuals to respond...Only 44 responses so far...Can of worms indeed!

Right I just did the test again, but this time just remembering how I was about relationships when I was demisexual; its interesting...

According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 2.11, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 1.64, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).

(little blue dot at top left on the secure ladder, just a smidge to the right of the top rung- heading into low avoidance area)

Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships. They are comfortable expressing their emotions, and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders.

So, it seems becoming asexual has had a big effect on me.... but it might not be asexuality per se as it it could just be the difference I feel when there is no sexual attraction, it makes me feel weird because it feels 'missing'. Basically it kind of feels like Im trying to force friendship into a relationship box (romantic attraction doesnt seem enough, as its just a kind of vibe that is often in opposite sex friendships -thinking heterosexual here asdjust as required lol-) Its probably easier to have always been asexual than to suddenly have to start abstracting sexual attraction from your own concept of a relationship.

Im not entirely sure what to make of it; but it has been interesting thinking about this stuff, especially as Im trying to date again and feeling very ambivalent about it, as if nothing good can come of it, but being alone isnt great either (and maybe more importantly to me I do want a baby). Anyway I keep hiding my profile and self sabotaging (quite willfully too, not oh why did I do that, deliberate I dont really want this lets put him off stuff)

Of course there is the 'dead boyfriend factor' too, cant seem to shake the love is death thing... maybe Im too screwed up to be in your survey!

I like your idea about "trying to force friendship into a relationship box." It's something to think about, since asexual/asexual relationships are basically glorified friendships- not that that's a bad thing! But for asexuals, there's a fine line between a "good friend" and a "romantic partner."

[Guest Heligan]

I am asexual and my attachment style is IT DEPENDS ON WHO THE PERSON IS AND HOW LONG I'VE KNOWN THEM

Yeah i was thinking that as I was answering the questions, trying to come up with some average attitude.

I also think, that as we are asexual if we see sex as a potential problem issue is going to distort our results.

Anyway I got:-

According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 4.17, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 3.00, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).

(That put my little blue dot just at the end of the first rung of the low avoidance ladder)

Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the preoccupied quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships.

But I think Im higher in avoidance that that, as the sticking point for me is actually letting myself get into the relationship to start with (always been a bit that way, but its much worse since I became asexual- it just feels weird to get into a romantic relationship without sexual attraction to me- I guess it feels like there something missing).

It could be that it's difficult for you to get into relationships, but once you're in one, you're very concerned with keeping your partner and about the status of the relationship- but, only you'd know the answer! Mm, it does seem different for asexuals beginning relationships, it seems.

Ah, not really.... havent actually been in a relationship since I became asexual; just trying to guess based on my feelings during the dancing around each other stage.... if I could get past that who the hell really knows, if it would just settle down, once the real dimensions of the sex hurdle was established. Maybe its fear of the unknown not fear of the relationship itself, sex doesnt just slot in naturally to asexual-sexual relationships after all. In fact if I would be equally dubious about staying in the relationship myself as in them staying.... some things are too difficult to make work.

P.S. I still think there are issues with the control group depending on the setting they were asked in, even age... you need to make sure there are no variables except asexuality that you are accidentally selecting with us (what the name for them.... cant remember... they distort the results anyhow)

[Guest Heligan]

...is it confounding variables (cant check on line as downloading something and everything is massively slow).

I have no idea how you could modify the asexual group to be more like the control you already have either- though as you say that would work too. Some universities have asexual groups apparently, maybe thats worth a look.... thats all I can come up with.

My concern is the last thing asexuals need is another 'broken' label. Even if its made clear its correlation not causation its not going to help us, because people dont like to think, they like stuff simple.

There are studies out there that found us to be short, poor etc.... all of which are explained if you are looking at confounding variables like age, and household income (you would think that was an obvious one but who knows, even just not having a spouse might restrict the move up some career ladders) and this implies stuff that we are stunted in some way or other.

Asexuality is still kind of a stigma in the real world, at least now and then... even gay is better understood.

[Guest EGDingaFosco]

*waves hi*

Okay, so I took this last night and I got an attachment that surprised me. (I did vote, so no worries it is in there).

*really assumed I would fall lump into avoidant...*

I was thinking maybe in general I am, however maybe if I've gotten to that "dating point" with someone, I probably have gotten to a place of having built up trust with someone. *ponders this quietly*

I have bookmarked the main site... and plan to do a few more tests.

What's sort of your goal number for people taking this? (ideally)?

'Cause I don't mind um, adding this to my ever growing signature... *smiles*

[square peg]

I'd like to help but I've never been in a relationship long enough for those questions to be applicable (half a day, then haven't bothered since, lol). Might be worth mentioning that sort of thing as a limitation in your paper, as I'm probably not the only one.

[CrazyCatLover]

I was placed in the secure category, but very close to the dismissive line. In my human sexuality class, I had placed myself into the dismissive category (based on descriptions), so I think this was accurate for me.

[Southpaw]

I apologize for not getting back to your replies for some time! Thank you all again, to everyone who cast a vote in the survey and to those of you who replied. I've really enjoyed reading all the comments! My paper is due relatively soon and so I'll be analyzing the current information on the poll today or so, but anyone can still reply to this thread or to the poll for fun.

Ah, not really.... havent actually been in a relationship since I became asexual; just trying to guess based on my feelings during the dancing around each other stage.... if I could get past that who the hell really knows, if it would just settle down, once the real dimensions of the sex hurdle was established. Maybe its fear of the unknown not fear of the relationship itself, sex doesnt just slot in naturally to asexual-sexual relationships after all. In fact if I would be equally dubious about staying in the relationship myself as in them staying.... some things are too difficult to make work.

P.S. I still think there are issues with the control group depending on the setting they were asked in, even age... you need to make sure there are no variables except asexuality that you are accidentally selecting with us (what the name for them.... cant remember... they distort the results anyhow)

...is it confounding variables (cant check on line as downloading something and everything is massively slow).

I have no idea how you could modify the asexual group to be more like the control you already have either- though as you say that would work too. Some universities have asexual groups apparently, maybe thats worth a look.... thats all I can come up with.

My concern is the last thing asexuals need is another 'broken' label. Even if its made clear its correlation not causation its not going to help us, because people dont like to think, they like stuff simple.

There are studies out there that found us to be short, poor etc.... all of which are explained if you are looking at confounding variables like age, and household income (you would think that was an obvious one but who knows, even just not having a spouse might restrict the move up some career ladders) and this implies stuff that we are stunted in some way or other.

Asexuality is still kind of a stigma in the real world, at least now and then... even gay is better understood.

Thank you for all of your comments! Keeping in mind that these results are merely a small portion of my research paper, I understand that there are many flaws within the results (most notably the lack of a consistent control group), but I wanted to use this as a basis for perhaps what some trends might be with asexuals and attachment styles. Trust me, there's nothing in my paper that would try to put another 'broken' label on asexuals; it's difficult enough without all that. I'm just trying to apply attachment concepts to asexuality in a way that sheds light on, I suppose, ways of functioning in adult relationships without any necessity for sex. There are already a number of asexual studies out there, but there definitely need to be more...and I can only hope that one day someone will look at my paper and see how there need to be more such studies (Oh, if only I had the time and resources...I could do a real attachment study with asexuals. One day, one day.)

*waves hi*

Okay, so I took this last night and I got an attachment that surprised me. (I did vote, so no worries it is in there).

*really assumed I would fall lump into avoidant...*

I was thinking maybe in general I am, however maybe if I've gotten to that "dating point" with someone, I probably have gotten to a place of having built up trust with someone. *ponders this quietly*

I have bookmarked the main site... and plan to do a few more tests.

What's sort of your goal number for people taking this? (ideally)?

'Cause I don't mind um, adding this to my ever growing signature... *smiles*

Hehe thanks for the offer, EGD! I'm almost done though...I hope you read it when I'm finished! :)

I'd like to help but I've never been in a relationship long enough for those questions to be applicable (half a day, then haven't bothered since, lol). Might be worth mentioning that sort of thing as a limitation in your paper, as I'm probably not the only one.

Yes, there are lots of things limited about this poll haha...Ah well. Thank you.

I was placed in the secure category, but very close to the dismissive line. In my human sexuality class, I had placed myself into the dismissive category (based on descriptions), so I think this was accurate for me.

I'd like to take a class on human sexuality one day, that sounds fascinating. Thank you!

[blushingivory]

Well, then for fun!

Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the preoccupied quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships.

That's right on the money...

[Preskom]

anxiety 3.36

avoidance 2.44

I am secure, fact. I know what I want, I have no trouble at all opening up and loving my partner(s).I KNOW we love each other, I KNOW we make a good team.

But my results are very close to preocupied...Me and my partner(s) share so much... that I always know when my partner(s) have doubts...the treat of them leaving me for more raw sexually satisfying activities is very real. I know I can't make the love of my life completly happy, and it's even more frustrating that in our society my "lack" is something that he could easily fullfill with someone esle... But he choose to endure, nobody knows for how long, because he thinks I have something that everybody elses lack, something that he thinks he could never go without anymore: true complicity and love for him.

I did a similar test: Choose your own story

I imagined a new partner that would be compatible with me sexually.

anxiety 3.06

avoidance 3.26

I understand my anxiety decreasing...but avoidance? 0-0 I guess it's only because there is more questions about "would you like your partner to feel and ask if something is troubeling you" I'm very opened, but I don't want a psykic wannabe to ask me if I'm alright every 5mins. >_< I don't want someone telling me I don't look ok! If something is really troubeling me I'll share it right away.