inner_terrestrial Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 i've been thinking about whether or not i am asexual or just scared of intimacy, but to be honest i just feel like i'm scared of relationships BECAUSE of the fact that people may try to push unwanted sexual contact on me, so that's why i'm scared if you know what i mean? and the reason i act shyly around people i have 'friendship crushes' on is because i'm worried if i show too much interest they will think i'm sexually attracted to them. in fact, i've been thinking how liberating it would be to actually come out as an asexual and start describing myself as that to other people if it ever came up in conversation because i would feel free to be myself, act however i want to without giving people the impression that i'm sexually attracted to them. whereas before, because i thought i just had intimacy issues, i would push myself to try stuff and put up with stuff, if i started being more open about my asexuality i would feel able to say 'no' to sexual contact, you know? does that make sense? like i have a valid reason. and i don't mean that in the way of "oh its an excuse" you know? because truly it is how i feel. if i don't want sex surely that's ok? and if i knew that sex was off the table, i'd feel freer to be myself and be more loving towards other people without thinking "uh oh, i can't let them get the wrong idea". i've always felt like i have to be distant and unaffectionate towards others because i don't want it to get to that place where it's like "ok now time for sex", you know? so if i actually was open about my asexuality i feel like i would be be able to live a much more fulfilling life as opposed to feeling cut off from others because i'm scared of them getting the wrong idea. it's not that i think sex is horrible, but i personally don't want it, like maybe once might be vaguely interesting, because hey its a new experience, but i just don't desire it. i would rather hug someone or cuddle or whatever. sex seems kind of like, "well, if we have to" with me, and only so i could then be close in other ways with that person you know? it just seems a bit weird and boring and, well, not something i would ever think of doing! i think the only reason i feel like so disgusted by sexual behaviour towards me isn't because i think its wrong, but it's like, i don't want it, and when you don't want something and its constantly being pushed on you, like it's your obligation as a human being then of course your gonna start getting a negative idea about it. i'm pretty sure i'm not repressed. even though sex was never really talked about at home, i talk about it around friends, and have questioned myself a lot to get to this point where i feel like i might actually have found myself.... the thing is i feel like i can't come out because what if suddenly i feel that attraction one day, you know? but at the same time, not coming out is making me withdrawn and lonely becasue i can't interact with other people in an affectionate way without worrying. a plus side would be that i might be able to find another asexual to have a relationship with, but the down side would be, what if i start feeling sexual attraction to them then what happens? you know. anyone got any thoughts? sorry to post so much recently but i've been thinking about it a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Shortass Lady Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 the thing is i feel like i can't come out because what if suddenly i feel that attraction one day, you know? but at the same time, not coming out is making me withdrawn and lonely becasue i can't interact with other people in an affectionate way without worrying.a plus side would be that i might be able to find another asexual to have a relationship with, but the down side would be, what if i start feeling sexual attraction to them then what happens? you know. anyone got any thoughts? sorry to post so much recently but i've been thinking about it a lot. Coming out does not have to be permanent. You may start feeling sexual attarction for somebody one day, but that doesn't invalidate the fact that you have no sexual desires today. Choosing a label (eg asexual) won't mean that you are stuck with it for life; it's just a means of expressing how you feel at any given time. One day you may feel asexual, one day that may change, and you can say 'Oh I don't feel that way any more, but at the time I did.' Don't be scared of fluctuations. Sexual and asexual are not hermatically sealed binary categories. Some people who fall between the two call themselves 'Grey A': a bit of both. If you want to come out, you could tell people that sex isn't currently an important part of your life; that you are quite happy without it. If that changes, so be it. I've known girls who've had boyfriends only to later realise they are lesbians. Going otu with a boy once and declaring themselves bisexual doesn't mean they were later unable to change their mind. I guess the best thing might be to be honest: tell them you think you might be asexual but you're not 100% sure. :) Link to post Share on other sites
inner_terrestrial Posted July 1, 2008 Author Share Posted July 1, 2008 good idea... about the other stuff though - do you think it's a good idea to not let my worries about misinterpretations ruin my interations with other people? do you think it's good to just go about things assuming people aren't going to think like that and then if you find out they are, then set them straight as opposed to second guessing everything and ending up really withdrawn and scared? Link to post Share on other sites
ily Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 I think it is liberating to come out...it's not always easy, but I remember when I was pretending to be straight, I went along with sexual behaviours that I didn't really want to do. I wouldn't do that now, and I have more confidence to express what I want. And sexuality is a fluid thing...if it changes in the future, so what? We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. What matters most is being true to yourself, whatever that is, in the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
jr1 Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. ~Leo Buscaglia Link to post Share on other sites
Shortass Lady Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 good idea...about the other stuff though - do you think it's a good idea to not let my worries about misinterpretations ruin my interations with other people? do you think it's good to just go about things assuming people aren't going to think like that and then if you find out they are, then set them straight as opposed to second guessing everything and ending up really withdrawn and scared? Yes. Is misinterpretation so bad? As long as you're not actively trying to mislead someone, then if they get the wrong message, it's not your fault. I do think it's better just to go about things, and if someone misunderstands you, to then put them right. Assuming people will jump to the wrong conclusion could limit your confidence about social interactions so I'd say just interact with people how you want, and if the worst comes to the worst, an explanation from you (which won't always be needed, only in some situations) will set the record straight. It would be sad to let fear restrict you too much, so maybe a bit of 'What the hell, I'm going for it!' might help! Link to post Share on other sites
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