Are you my friend?

[Sha'zar]

I have to stop and wonder if my friends are real friends, or just people i hang out with. Friends wouldn't knowingly do something that makes you uncomfortable, would they? On a consistent basis, i would think the answer would be no. Most of my 'gay' male friends want to bed me. I know this from advances they have made, from questions they have asked, and just the look they sometimes get in their eyes. I read people fairly well, and i can gather what a person really wants just from a simple question.

What has set me off is a recent advance made by a 'friend'. I went over to his house to hang out, and as he was taking me home, he asked, "What are you doing when you get home?" I replied that i was going to go to bed in an hour. He asked, "And what are you going to do in the next hour?" It was at that point i realized he wanted to get me naked and do naughty, naughty things. I began getting frustrated, but calmly replied, "I'll probably wind down by watching TV, playing on the internet, etc." That conversation ended there, but it constantly frustrates me.

Now, to be fair, i haven't 'disclosed' my asexuality to everyone, but this specific friend has commented on blogs i have written on LiveJournal talking about my asexuality, so i'm assuming that he actually read the blog he commented on. Why do sexual people have to be so sexual? I guess i could tell them abruptly that i am not interested in sex, but i guess i fear that they will be offended somehow, and not want to hang out with me anymore. I'm not willing to risk the 'friendship' over my sexuality, so i never bring it up. Plus, there's always the 1% chance i'm reading the person wrong. So how can i let people know that i'm asexual, without it being completely out of the blue, or possibly offending the other person?

Thank you for letting me rant.

Dani

[Luvdisc]

Maybe he was testing you?

I don't think they would find it offensive if you told them you were asexual and were sincere about it. Some sexual girls would be okay with what they were doing (others not) so it's possibly they actually have no idea that you're uncomfortable.

Or you could not say you're asexual but just say you wouldn't be interested in whatever they are implying. I mean, if you're fun to be around but firmly say no with anything sexual, they would have to be morons to friend-dump you. Friends don't have sex with each other anyway.

In my opinion, a real friend would understand that. I think you should tell them if they keep on making advances on you, but be gentle and sincere. They need to respect your thoughts.

[DougN]

I agree with Luvdisc. Just tell them very nicely that you don't appreciate their advances.

[jr1]

just say you want to be friends

[infinityhype]

Just say you don't appreciate the sexual advances.

[Roy(Banned)]

I agree with Luvdisc. Just tell them very nicely that you don't appreciate their advances.

And marvel at how quickly they reject you as a friend.

[DougN]

And marvel at how quickly they reject you as a friend.

I guess the question is, does he want them as friends if they only want sex?

[Solodancer1]

I call it pretend-befriending, sometimes. When someone 1. acts like a friend, 2. continues that behavior until you forget to doubt the likelihood that he's a friend out of sheer distraction and acuustomization, 3. repeats every statement of values you make until you grow to believe you have communicated and found common ground, 4. passes several tests you devise to determine what he really wants, then 5. suddenly hits on you in a totally inappropriate situation, 6. gets upset and starts trying to guilt-trip you about not being interested, and then finally, for a grand finale, 7. says he's sick of being the nice guy because they never win.

Wow.

Why don't they try saying what they mean with a little tact and attention to the context, a little empathy, and then take no for an answer like big boys? Then they could save their "friend" talk for actual friends, and everyone would be happy.

And how is it "nice" to be sneaky and trick people who need a friend?

Of course. you end up as another proof that they are too nice. That's what thye want in the first place, perhaps: a set-up that makes them look (so they think) too nice for their own good, so they can indulge whatever cruel fantasy life they have and feel fine about it.

[Face]

Friends wouldn't knowingly do something that makes you uncomfortable, would they?

If we're honest I think we'll find they often would; if they think they are helping. If someone cares about someone they can often try to push them towards what they want them to be. I've guilty of this with a friend who has an overactive sense of disgust and can't use public toilets. I'll sometimes get him into situations where he has no choice but to use one.

Going the other way I find it uncomfortable when he puts me in social situations that he knows I'll find awkward. This doesn't mean we bully each other. When it comes to fears if you get it right in a way that makes it easier to face the fear than to avoid it, you can be helping.

Of course no amount of awkwardness is going to make you 'overcome' your asexuality so it's very annoying when sexuals get the idea that it will. You need to make it clear that your not asexual because of some anxiety and no amount of encouragement is going to change that.

[BunnyK.]

I call it pretend-befriending, sometimes. When someone 1. acts like a friend, 2. continues that behavior until you forget to doubt the likelihood that he's a friend out of sheer distraction and acuustomization, 3. repeats every statement of values you make until you grow to believe you have communicated and found common ground, 4. passes several tests you devise to determine what he really wants, then 5. suddenly hits on you in a totally inappropriate situation, 6. gets upset and starts trying to guilt-trip you about not being interested, and then finally, for a grand finale, 7. says he's sick of being the nice guy because they never win.

Wow.

Why don't they try saying what they mean with a little tact and attention to the context, a little empathy, and then take no for an answer like big boys? Then they could save their "friend" talk for actual friends, and everyone would be happy.

And how is it "nice" to be sneaky and trick people who need a friend?

Of course. you end up as another proof that they are too nice. That's what thye want in the first place, perhaps: a set-up that makes them look (so they think) too nice for their own good, so they can indulge whatever cruel fantasy life they have and feel fine about it.

Some guys do this, but keep in mind that sometimes it's not an either/or thing for sexuals. In other words, a guy could really want to be friends with you AND really want to get you in bed at the same time. It's not mutually exclusive. And sometimes people get to be friends, and then develop a different kind of attraction, get shot down, and don't handle it well. It's a hard thing when you have so much emotion wrapped up in a person, and they don't return it the way you'd like; it tends to be one of those things that make you act like a jerk unless you try really hard not to.

I'm not discounting your irritation with so-called "nice guys" - I know exactly what you're talking about here, it happens to sexuals too, and it's SO annoying. But not every person that gets mad at you for rejecting them is a passive-aggressive twat; and even the ones that are probably aren't doing it consciously.

[Sha'zar]

Thank you for all the replies everyone. I feel somewhat validated, but at the same time, i realize i need to be assertive about my asexuality, and if they won't respect that part of me, then they're not the types of friends i'm looking for anyway.

[DougN]

i realize i need to be assertive about my asexuality, and if they won't respect that part of me, then they're not the types of friends i'm looking for anyway.

I agree. I feel a little hypocritical saying this, since I'm not assertive about my asexuality in real life, but I also don't know anyone who hits on me.

I would not want to be friends with anyone who could not accept me for who I am.

[Shrine Maiden]

Some guys do this, but keep in mind that sometimes it's not an either/or thing for sexuals. In other words, a guy could really want to be friends with you AND really want to get you in bed at the same time. It's not mutually exclusive. And sometimes people get to be friends, and then develop a different kind of attraction, get shot down, and don't handle it well. It's a hard thing when you have so much emotion wrapped up in a person, and they don't return it the way you'd like; it tends to be one of those things that make you act like a jerk unless you try really hard not to.

I'm not discounting your irritation with so-called "nice guys" - I know exactly what you're talking about here, it happens to sexuals too, and it's SO annoying. But not every person that gets mad at you for rejecting them is a passive-aggressive twat; and even the ones that are probably aren't doing it consciously.

I agree with this but will add a bit something...

Rejection is a bitter pill to swallow but the way a person handles said rejection shows how mature they are. I mean, regardless of a/sexuality, every person has their own mind and make their own decisions. If a "nice guy/gal" can't handle that "no" and starts acting like a total a$$hole, isn't that a clear exit sign? I'm not talking about the initial shock and perhaps a week or two of the cold shoulder treatment, I'm talking about constant bullying and talking down and aggressive behavior. Sometimes it helps to sit down and have an honest talk afterwards, sometimes it's time to cut your losses and go.

[AVENCakes]

i realize i need to be assertive about my asexuality, and if they won't respect that part of me, then they're not the types of friends i'm looking for anyway.

I agree. I feel a little hypocritical saying this, since I'm not assertive about my asexuality in real life, but I also don't know anyone who hits on me.

I would not want to be friends with anyone who could not accept me for who I am.

When I'm assertive they don't seem to understand any more. I tried to explain to a guy that I don't want to date sexuals because I don't think it'll work out and wouldn't feel comfortable (I didn't feel like pointing out "I don't date straight boys, they keep wanting to call me a girl"), and no matter how many times I said this he said "well, I know you're asexual already so THAT can't be why you won't date me".

Sometimes it's easier to be unassertive than deal with the morons.

[Solodancer1]

Talking to sexuals once they get it in their heads you ought to want them can be just like telling a dog that wants to chase a chicken that he has to sit. He may twitch and try to sit for a second but he just runs again. When you scream "Sit!" in his ear again and again he twitches again and starts circling but then runs again and each time he realizes you're screaming at him it's like the first time -- no contnuity or recognition that he's been through this and he someone might be about to lose patience.

Seeing a friend become that dog is deeply disappointing. Even if they're not overtly aggressive, just the fact that they already tried to pick you up proves they will never forget about it, in my experience, never really go back to being friends, the trust is gone, and they tend to keep trying like the dog regardless of what you say to them.

[bitterforsweet]

Thank you for all the replies everyone. I feel somewhat validated, but at the same time, i realize i need to be assertive about my asexuality, and if they won't respect that part of me, then they're not the types of friends i'm looking for anyway.

I think this is a good choice.

But even if you're don't want to be assertive about being asexual, they still shouldn't be giving unwanted attention. IMO these guys need to have a little more respect and stop trying to bed their friends, regardless of your sexuality. Tell them to back off.

[Sally]

Talking to sexuals once they get it in their heads you ought to want them can be just like telling a dog that wants to chase a chicken that he has to sit. He may twitch and try to sit for a second but he just runs again. When you scream "Sit!" in his ear again and again he twitches again and starts circling but then runs again and each time he realizes you're screaming at him it's like the first time -- no contnuity or recognition that he's been through this and he someone might be about to lose patience.

Seeing a friend become that dog is deeply disappointing. Even if they're not overtly aggressive, just the fact that they already tried to pick you up proves they will never forget about it, in my experience, never really go back to being friends, the trust is gone, and they tend to keep trying like the dog regardless of what you say to them.

That is so funny; a perfect analogy.

[Sha'zar]

Well, i believe an update is in order. Last night and earlier today, i spent a good amount of time with one of the friends (T) that has hit on me once before. One of the first things i talked to him about was how the other friend (M) that set me off initially to make the thread had hit on me, and i can't remember the exact words i used, but i basically told T i wasn't interested in sex. I caught myself taking a breath like i was diving into a pool, because of the past history with T having hit on me before, and also T and M are friends. Anyway, he laughed it off, but every once in a while he would make a remark about me. For example, swimming in the pool, he was talking about dinner, and he said, "I think i'm going to go to Longhorn for some steak. I'd rather have tube steak, but that's not gonna happen.", and as he finished the sentence, he glanced right at me. I almost laughed, and i think i may have scoffed, just because i was dumbfounded by the childish behavior. I'm beginning to think the dog analogy is perfect, although it saddens me to think that way about my friends. But it certainly seems like the addiction attraction to sex is similar to crack. I really don't get it.

[Shortass Lady]

Well, i believe an update is in order. Last night and earlier today, i spent a good amount of time with one of the friends (T) that has hit on me once before. One of the first things i talked to him about was how the other friend (M) that set me off initially to make the thread had hit on me, and i can't remember the exact words i used, but i basically told T i wasn't interested in sex. I caught myself taking a breath like i was diving into a pool, because of the past history with T having hit on me before, and also T and M are friends. Anyway, he laughed it off, but every once in a while he would make a remark about me. For example, swimming in the pool, he was talking about dinner, and he said, "I think i'm going to go to Longhorn for some steak. I'd rather have tube steak, but that's not gonna happen.", and as he finished the sentence, he glanced right at me. I almost laughed, and i think i may have scoffed, just because i was dumbfounded by the childish behavior. I'm beginning to think the dog analogy is perfect, although it saddens me to think that way about my friends. But it certainly seems like the addiction attraction to sex is similar to crack. I really don't get it.

That's not on, for them to mock you. It shows a lack of repect for your sexual orientation. Real friends might make friendly jokes about it but it looks as though this is verging on spite. Do you have other friends to hang out with? I'd suggest cutting down the amount of time you spend with T and M if they are just going to treat you like this.

So you're asexual. They need to get over it.