The Concept of Being "In Love"

[Astra Skadi]

I've always found the concept of being "in love" overblown. I love many people but it seems like being "in love" requires one to abandon logic to emotion. It also involves a lot of possessiveness and wanting to change the object of love. For example, when someone has said they love me, this is too often followed by the expectation that I would change to suit the other person's desire, e.g. return being "in love" or the performance of certain sexual acts.

For the most part, I've viewed my "romantic interests" as not all that different from friends - their just really good friends that I can be affectionate with, hopefully someone I can make long term life plans with. There is *some* extra emotion in there, but not what other people describe (including the idea that you can fall in love with someone upon first meeting them ). Anyone here experience anything like this?

[pikku]

I completely agree. Both friendship and romantic relationships are similar to me. Not completely the same, of course, but it certainly doesn't make me abandon my normal thought process too much more that friendship does.

I also don't get the thing about wanting people to change, because doesn't that, by default, make the person being loved different? And wouldn't loving a different person the same way mean that the person in love sees the subject of their affection as "close but not enough?"

[nackteziege]

I'm so with you. I hate how once people are "in love" they abandon the people they once "loved", ie. their friends ie. me, to be with the one they're "in love" with. You described the idea so well when you said:

I've always found the concept of being "in love" overblown. I love many people but it seems like being "in love" requires one to abandon logic to emotion...For the most part, I've viewed my "romantic interests" as not all that different from friends - their just really good friends that I can be affectionate with, hopefully someone I can make long term life plans with. There is *some* extra emotion in there...

I haven't vocalized this to ANYONE, but I feel that I loved my most recent ex and I feel like I still do. This wasn't that "OMGGZZ I IZ SOOO IN LUV IZ LUVZ MAH BEHBAY!" thing that people pull, but that deep desire to protect and care about his wellbeing and all of that. Would I say I was "in love"? Not particularly. But I gave a lot of myself and I still feel the attachment and the need to care, or even love if you want to go that far.

It's a damn stupid word and concept. When I try to express this to people, they say I'm cynical. I am cynical towards that "romantic love", but really I have a lot of love for a lot of people and as such often feel very deeply hurt as significant others appear to be preferred over me.

[jcortese]

I think "in love" is some sort of initial rush and fascination that people feel. I've certainly had that giddy feeling for new things that I've encountered. It's just that "OMFG THIS IS THE COOLEST THING EVER!" that you feel before the shiny rubs off. :-)

For people, hopefully, once you get to the stage where the shiny rubs off, you have already found other less shinyful things to like about the person that makes being around them worthwhile despite the loss of that intensity. *shrug* If statistics are any indicator, this rarely happens.

[_K_]

It also involves a lot of possessiveness and wanting to change the object of love. For example, when someone has said they love me, this is too often followed by the expectation that I would change to suit the other person's desire, e.g. return being "in love" or the performance of certain sexual acts.

That, to me, is not love. That sounds like someone using the concept of being in love to control you and/or the relationship.

To answer the question, yes, I believe in love and that I can be in love. To me, it's just a step up (emotionally speaking) of friendship. It's more intense, more encompassing. It's very similar, yet different in a way that's very difficult to articulate.

[numberfour]

I think I am "in love" with a friend. She isn't someone I always like, but I have always loved her. I can't write it out, I'm not a poet, I like writing essays, but it's been awhile and I never felt the same way about anyone else. I've tried, which sounds awful and it is, but I don't feel the same way about anyone else but I still have briefly liked other people and can still find friendship with others.

I know! It's like my dog. I love my dog. I love her the same way. Cat Stevens beat me to that but it applies to me too!

[Gatto]

.

[............]

Well, that's recognizing a pretty narrow scope of love.

What you are describing as "love" is what is generally described as a sub-catagory of love: mania. It involves possessively clinging to the object of one's affection, throwing away rationality to be with them. This is pretty emphatically not all love.

For some people, love is the feeling they get after being close to someone for a number of years and becoming best friends with them. They then decide to become romantically involved with them or feel that the friendship has reached something that makes it more special from most other friendships, because, hey, they've gotten along this well for so long and, honestly, they can't imagine fitting better with anyone else.

For others, it is a practical thing of satisfying something emotional or physical.

For others, it's a sort of "game" to see how much they can get or, oppositely, of providing the object of one's affections with all the help and support they can get.

Point is, love is not just what Hollywood tells us it is. Don't let other people limit what you define as "love".

[Ellers]

I agree with riteilu and _K_, great posts.

Love is what you make of it. *shrugs* There is possessive, controlling love...I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that, but there are people who would. Is that as pure as people who aren't controlling and just want to be together? Who knows? Maybe it is...but I'd rather be alone than with someone who tried to control me...but some people might not care, or might like the structure. Look for the kind of love you want. No...I take that back. Make the kind of love you want, and don't settle for less. Then who gives a damn about the love other people feel?

[TheFool]

I saw an interview with David Bowie ages ago where he basically said to love someone is selfless, to be in love with them is selfish. Most of the time I agree with that.

[andrew_w]

I've always found the concept of being "in love" overblown. I love many people but it seems like being "in love" requires one to abandon logic to emotion. It also involves a lot of possessiveness and wanting to change the object of love. For example, when someone has said they love me, this is too often followed by the expectation that I would change to suit the other person's desire, e.g. return being "in love" or the performance of certain sexual acts.

For the most part, I've viewed my "romantic interests" as not all that different from friends - their just really good friends that I can be affectionate with, hopefully someone I can make long term life plans with. There is *some* extra emotion in there, but not what other people describe (including the idea that you can fall in love with someone upon first meeting them ). Anyone here experience anything like this?

That is exactly the way I am, too.

[Beardless]

There are about three people I consider Awesome (with capital A, lower case is the next category down). When I have to leave them, I'm crying all the way home. It's an irrational emotional response. I think that's love, isn't it? I don't want anyone to hurt them (like lower-case awesomes of mine) but there's more, too: a desperate need for them to be around in some fashion or another.

If I felt about my family like I feel about them, I would never have left home.

Also, I was listening to this song yesterday, and it connected to my last crying-home incident. I think it kinda sums up this thread. Howard Jones: What is Love

I love you whether or not you love me

I love you even if you think that I dont

Sometimes I find you doubt my love for you, but I dont mind

Why should I mind, why should I mind

Chorus

What is love anyway, does anybody love anybody anyway

What is love anyway, does anybody love anybody anyway

Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear

Never worry never be sad

The answer is they cannot love this much nobody can

This is why I dont mind you doubting

And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be

The door always must be left unlocked

To love when circumstance may lead someone away from you

And not to spend the time just doubting

[Shrine Maiden]

I think "Love" is one word to cover a pretty wide variety of emotions. It often depends on people, too. Not everyone loves others the same way; some show it in different ways, some do not show it at all. Some want to be chained to the object of their desire, some love from afar. As many types of love as there are people, actually...

Being "in love" is often used to describe an infatuation; a strong biochemical reaction that often leaves the brain behind in its singlemindedness. More often than not people will instinctively think up some wonderful fantasy about the person they are infatuated with and fail to see the true person behind it. These infatuations all come with an expiry date on them so there'd better be something else in the deal beside a pretty illusion.

At the same time, really loving someone (a parent, a partner, a friend) would ideally mean that you don't expect anything in return for it . But since none of us is perfect, we have demands to make of our loved ones just as they have demands of their own. We're always trading something for something else in order to keep our bonds. This doesn't make the love shared any less in my opinion even if it sounds a bit materialistic.

[Hayley]

I saw an interview with David Bowie ages ago where he basically said to love someone is selfless, to be in love with them is selfish. Most of the time I agree with that.

I have to agree with that quote, at least in my case.

What I consider to be my "in love" feelings are fierce and passionate, and all consuming. My "love", regardless of whether it is romantic in nature or not, has nowhere near as much impact on me. At the risk of a cliché, falling in love is almost as though my entire consciousness has changed - I even think differently. At it's longest has lasted six years so, if it is an infatuation, I must really hold on to these things. It can be very trying as I'm known for developing romantic feelings easily and, while I'm comfortable having an open relationship with a partner I love, I am not when I am in love with that partner.

As a side note, my nature tends to lean towards ridiculously selfless and giving when I love someone. Family, friend, partner, colleague; you want it, I'll do my best to provide.

[Astra Skadi]

I hate how once people are "in love" they abandon the people they once "loved", ie. their friends ie. me, to be with the one they're "in love" with.

I've been musing over this same thing. Just about all my friends are coupled and whether they are in a new relationship or not, they seemed sucked into coupledom. For me, I really like have a confidant but I also really like having at least several people to converse/socialize with on a regular basis.

[Astra Skadi]

Well, that's recognizing a pretty narrow scope of love.

What you are describing as "love" is what is generally described as a sub-catagory of love: mania. It involves possessively clinging to the object of one's affection, throwing away rationality to be with them. This is pretty emphatically not all love.

*That's* what I'm trying to get at. This is what people describe to me as being "in love". I'm not trying to narrow love. I agree with the David Bowie quote about love being selfless and in-love being selfish, i.e. as far as I can tell by common usage.

For some people, love is the feeling they get after being close to someone for a number of years and becoming best friends with them. They then decide to become romantically involved with them or feel that the friendship has reached something that makes it more special from most other friendships, because, hey, they've gotten along this well for so long and, honestly, they can't imagine fitting better with anyone else.

But some people swear it can happen when they first meet somebody.

I know, as Shrine Maiden pointed out, it comes down to biochemistry. I'm just wondering if there's a certain biochemistry among asexuals.

[Goonie]

oo my theory has always been that poets tend to be the ones "in love" with the idea of being in love. My poet friends are always chasing that idea of love but never finding love in the relationships they are in because it's not "in love." if that makes sense.

I know most don't do country...but I got this album today for one song and hear dthis one while driving and cracked up.

There ain't a woman in the world

That wants to hear the word, yes

When she asks you if you think

That she looks chubby in that dress.

And if she cooks all day

You better eat it with a smile

It doesn't matter if it tastes just like

Bad gravy on a Goodyear tire.

(Yeah, yeah, yeah) all right

So you bend the truth

(Yeah, yeah, yeah) that's somethin'

That you'll have to get use to.

Chorus:

That's love you'll see

We all commit a little bit of perjury

Ah, but that's no crime if you ask me, that's love.

You're starin' at a burnt steak

You bite the bullet and you clean your plate

And then you go on and on about how great it was

That's not a lie, that's love.

...

[Shortass Lady]

I think "in love" is some sort of initial rush and fascination that people feel. I've certainly had that giddy feeling for new things that I've encountered. It's just that "OMFG THIS IS THE COOLEST THING EVER!" that you feel before the shiny rubs off. :-)

For people, hopefully, once you get to the stage where the shiny rubs off, you have already found other less shinyful things to like about the person that makes being around them worthwhile despite the loss of that intensity. *shrug* If statistics are any indicator, this rarely happens.

Is that really genuine love though...the shiny, infatuated bit I mean? I tend to think of 'being in love' as a combination of this 'shiny' you describe and more deep-rooted feelings of affection and caring and real tender concern for the person's wellbeing, and the smushy 'aaw they're so lovely' feelings too, plus a few physical reactions thrown in for good measure.

Perhaps the 'shiny' is the infatuation bit. Say a couple have been married for decades, so the shiny swirly feelings have maybe faded. This doesn't mean they aren't still 'in love'. I think what I mean is that I think being 'in love' is a more deep thing rather than a more surface thing, if that makes sense.

[oneofthesun]

I've always found the concept of being "in love" overblown. I love many people but it seems like being "in love" requires one to abandon logic to emotion. It also involves a lot of possessiveness and wanting to change the object of love. For example, when someone has said they love me, this is too often followed by the expectation that I would change to suit the other person's desire, e.g. return being "in love" or the performance of certain sexual acts.

Agreed. Love as our society defines it is a farce.

[ThePieMaker]

I don't really believe in love. It's just some chemical reactions.

[Lunacy]

To be quite honest I don't really know if I've ever been in love...infatuation, yes, definitely, but love?

The most similar feeling I have to being in love isn't the kind of love which makes me fantasize about being in a romantic situation with another person. I tend to obsess over that person without necessarily wanting to be emotionally close to them. Usually it feels more like admiration, making me want to be like them. Sometimes there'll be physical attraction, because I'm not indifferent to a person's physical appearance, but it hapens very rarely. I don't want a romantic partner because I don't like the idea of being commited to someone for who knows how long.

Even if I become infatuated with someone, I'll still be rational and I won't abandon logic to emotions. And I agree that being in love is overrated.

I think that how you fall in love depends on your personality. In my high school psychology class we had studied different love types, such as manic love, erotic love, ludic love, pragmatic love, selfless love, etc. Some people find love by developing friendship first, other people will view love more like a game than an emotional commitment. Others, called manic lovers, will fall passionately in love as soon as they meet each other, and will instantly become obsessed with the other person, leaving the rest of their life behind. I know several manic lovers, and I used to be very annoyed by them, until I realized that they really can't help feeling the way they do...it's just part of who they are.

[Shinnok]

I haven't really experienced the friendship kind of love yet. Usually when I have a friend and if they're really cool or something, sometimes I develop a crush on them but if I don't I experience more of a brotherly love towards them. There is a big difference between the two feelings to me anyway but they're both good to have

[FuTeffla]

I've been in love once, but I could never get obssessed with them. I can't stand people who have to scream their love to the heavens - I know that's irrational and unfair of me, because I believe that love is a very special and beautiful thing, so I can understand that people want to express it, but it just gets annoying! My sister is in a relationship and is so besotted with her boyfriend that she won't hear a word said against him, believes he has no faults, talks about him to the point of driving me insane , etc. When I was with my boyfriend, people would say 'Do you even *like* him?' I had to point out that just because I was aware of how irritating he could be sometimes, it didn't mean I wasn't aware of his good points too. Not showing love is not the same as not feeling it - besides, I was perfectly expressive to him. I just like to be sensible about love, and not ever become blinded by it.

I worried sometimes that I didn't love him as much as I was supposed to. I couldn't fawn over him, and I wondered if there was something wrong with me, because all Valentine's Day cards saying things like 'To My Ickle Snugglepuss' made me retch. Plus, I am an absolute daddy's girl - my dad has always been the main man in my life, and if I had a problem or worry, I would turn to him, not my bloke. But I think I was in love, definitely. I got butterflies in my tummy everytime I saw him, I used to grin when I thought about him, and I absolutely wanted to keep him to myself, and spend years and years with him. When we split up, it felt like I had been punched in the gut, and I cried all day. It's been 5 months and I still think of him a lot and feel sad not to have him in my life anymore. I found a photo of him last week and just felt sick. I don't know if I'd be able to bear seeing him again, or knowing that he was dating someone else.

But love has always been about friendship most of all for me (I'm a psych student too, Lunacy) - companionate love for me all the way!

I think love is what happens after the obssession and infatuation has burned away. I don't think it can be true love if you live with an idealised version of the other person, or refuse to acknowledge their faults, because their faults are part of them. When you've seen all their flaws and failings and still want to be with them, and work hard towards each other's happiness (and I think real love involves so much hard work) then I think you could call it love. So now I'm wondering if I can call what I had with my ex real love? Because our break-up came about from our inability to accept each other for what we were. For a start, me being asexual was not something he could reconcile with.