Poor social skills...feeling unattractive

[coffeed]

I don't know if anyone can relate to this. I feel very sad. I have trouble expressing my thoughts.

I am 40's, asexual, very poor social skills. In the past, I had "dates" (mid-twenties), but in the last decade or so I am starting to feel like a very ugly joke. Do guys just pick up on something (they see in me) that is very unattractive? Do they think I'm this horrible person and I give weird vibes? I'm starting to think so, b/c often they show initial interest, but when I actually call them, or follow up.....they either give a wrong # (this happened once), or they suddenly stop responding. It is a matter of hours, or days, before the guy gets turned off.

I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. There is no way to find out, because *I* think I'm doing everything right, but obviously there must be something beyond my radar detection that is so clearly turning them off. Or is it some sort of joke? Thank you for responding, if anyone can relate, or has advice.....thanks

[Sundance]

It sounds like you are not "asexual" - or at least as I have read that word as defined on this site. It sounds as though you are a sexual person who is interested in a romantic relationship but you aren't sure how to get to that point. It also sounds like you are depressed and pretty down on yourself. My advice would be this: (1) try as hard as you can not to feel so negative about yourself. Everyone gets rejected - EVERYONE. Everyone has had the blow off, the wrong number given, the no-response, etc. Frankly, you just have to try to blow it off. It always feels bad, but with time, I think it gets a little easier. (2) If you feel that people get turned off after a few hours or days, when they initially seemed interested, perhaps you should talk to someone - a coach or a counselor - and ask for some honest feedback? Or a therapist? Have you tried online dating at all? (3) A lot of how people act towards you has to do with how you perceive yourself and carry yourself. If you lack self confidence, then it comes across. You may need to do something - or some things - to boost your confidence. For example, if you like music, take up an instrument. If you are a good cook, join a cooking group. If you like reading, join a book club. If you like cats, join a rescue-a-cat foundation. Anything that you enjoy will make you feel better about yourself and it will translate to other areas of your life. (4) Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are a good person with a lot to offer. You deserve to be loved, and if someone doesn't see that it is truly their loss. A lot of people don't see the great qualities we may have to offer, but there will be someone who does. Keep trying. Hang in there.

[chatha]

I agree that everyone gets rejected. It's kind of like making sales calls. Depending upon the demographics of your targeted group, you might be well received, or you might not be.

I'm a guy. One thing I think I can tell ya... If you come across as desperate and not just a little hard-to-get, guys might not take up the chase. Guys seem to like the chase. Kind of like dogs chasing cars. If the car stops, they don't know what to do with it. Play coy. And yet not too much so or they will think you're an ice queen.

[coffeed]

It sounds like you are not "asexual" - or at least as I have read that word as defined on this site. It sounds as though you are a sexual person who is interested in a romantic relationship but you aren't sure how to get to that point. It also sounds like you are depressed and pretty down on yourself. My advice would be this: (1) try as hard as you can not to feel so negative about yourself. Everyone gets rejected - EVERYONE. Everyone has had the blow off, the wrong number given, the no-response, etc. Frankly, you just have to try to blow it off. It always feels bad, but with time, I think it gets a little easier. (2) If you feel that people get turned off after a few hours or days, when they initially seemed interested, perhaps you should talk to someone - a coach or a counselor - and ask for some honest feedback? Or a therapist? Have you tried online dating at all? (3) A lot of how people act towards you has to do with how you perceive yourself and carry yourself. If you lack self confidence, then it comes across. You may need to do something - or some things - to boost your confidence. For example, if you like music, take up an instrument. If you are a good cook, join a cooking group. If you like reading, join a book club. If you like cats, join a rescue-a-cat foundation. Anything that you enjoy will make you feel better about yourself and it will translate to other areas of your life. (4) Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are a good person with a lot to offer. You deserve to be loved, and if someone doesn't see that it is truly their loss. A lot of people don't see the great qualities we may have to offer, but there will be someone who does. Keep trying. Hang in there.

Thanks for your response. :) Just to clarify, I am asexual- I don't feel physical attraction to either gender, but over the years have desired a long-term relationship, an emotional connection. Have gone through the motions (without it leading to intercourse) of cuddling, kissing, etc. Your post made me feel better. It has been a long time since anyone has said that I'm a good person (well, don't talk to a lot of people really, anymore). Thank you, you have made me feel better. :)

[bbctv]

if you're dealing with guys, it may be something tells them you're not interested in sex, and that's all THEY are interested in, which means you aren't really missing out on anything. (a lot of women i meet can tell i have no interest in sex and many identified me as asexual, meaning the term must be out, though being male this is a POSITIVE more often than not.)

i'd agree- go with areas where you can meet someone who has INTERESTS, something you can both get into. and BELIEVE ME, you sound like a decent human being, given the right situation i think you should be able to meet someone you can connect to.

[chatha]

(1) if you're dealing with guys, it may be something tells them you're not interested in sex, and that's all THEY are interested in, which means you aren't really missing out on anything. (2) (a lot of women i meet can tell i have no interest in sex and many identified me as asexual, meaning the term must be out, though being male this is a POSITIVE more often than not.)

(3) i'd agree- go with areas where you can meet someone who has INTERESTS, something you can both get into. and BELIEVE ME, you sound like a decent human being, given the right situation i think you should be able to meet someone you can connect to.

ditto on #1

#2, I'm a guy. I'm still waiting on the Postive part.

#3 Where??? (and not bars or clubs) and more importantly, How??? (Nobody's ever taught me this... or is that something that just comes naturally to sexuals?) I'd like some companionship, but not so sure about the romance and definitely not interested in physical intimacy.

Yeah, I didn't mean my earlier post to sound like a criticism... I was trying to say what david said (#1 above) and that you shouldn't take things personally. Instead, play 'em a little bit. Make them see that you've got the goods then make them wonder whether you're interested in them. It's all a game.

[bbctv]

sorry- it's been a positive for me since i typically can just ask women to hang out and they don't interpret it as anything more. (though the few times i WAS interested apparently i didn't display typical indicators, sort of a negative there but for me more Pos than Neg) i do a lot of volunteer work which usually means at least the people i'm around are NICE at least, and socially conscious.

i also hang around the library a lot and can usually find people there to talk to, male or female.

[chatha]

sorry- it's been a positive for me since i typically can just ask women to hang out and they don't interpret it as anything more. (though the few times i WAS interested apparently i didn't display typical indicators, sort of a negative there but for me more Pos than Neg) i do a lot of volunteer work which usually means at least the people i'm around are NICE at least, and socially conscious.

i also hang around the library a lot and can usually find people there to talk to, male or female.

Maybe I'm just chicken as well as clueless. I talk to lots of folks, but never have the wherewithal to ask anyone to meet me for coffee. And I don't have the pleasure of socially conscious and/or other educated folks to talk to; hence many think I'm either a closet gay or perv or just weird. (You make a good suggestion, however... I need to find somewhere to volunteer, to get me out of the house and meeting new people. Thanks! ;) )

[catrinac]

I have the same issue, only I don't try to meet men. Ever since my bad rhinoplasty 3 years ago I can barely get anyone, male or female, to make or sustain eye contact with me, so I don't even bother. In my 20s I did date a little also though nothing serious.

I think mid life is hitting Generation X much harder than we thought it would. I don't know about you but I never worried about looking older or unattractive even 3-5 years ago, yet in the last few weeks have started to wonder what else I might have done besides my nose, which will have to be redone in order for me to function at a higher level. Seriously, I don't mean to be superficial, but getting older sucks period, and having either a makeover or getting a little Botox isn't such a drastic measure, even if you're not planning on meeting anyone etc. This is my point of view and I'm sticking with it. Life is so hard when you don't feel your best physically... anything you can do for you, like dieting, going to a gym, getting a better hair cut, or even plastic surgery, can potentially make you feel better about yourself. I got a better hair cut about two weeks ago and am on a careful skin care regimen. Though I am ugly and never hear that I'm pretty people do comment on how young I look and a couple of people have commented on the cut. I don't do it for other people, I do it so for myself AND because I've gotten tired of the toxic residues of dealing with all the strange, rejecting people who seem to make up most of the U.S. public nowadays.

The point is to feel better about yourself.

Today I decided that after I have my nose redone if I am feel like crap about myself I am going to have Botox and possibly a breast job, FOR ME, not in order to attract anyone else. I am strange, I think Botox sounds like fun.

[coffeed]

I have the same issue, only I don't try to meet men. Ever since my bad rhinoplasty 3 years ago I can barely get anyone, male or female, to make or sustain eye contact with me, so I don't even bother. In my 20s I did date a little also though nothing serious.

I think mid life is hitting Generation X much harder than we thought it would. I don't know about you but I never worried about looking older or unattractive even 3-5 years ago, yet in the last few weeks have started to wonder what else I might have done besides my nose, which will have to be redone in order for me to function at a higher level. Seriously, I don't mean to be superficial, but getting older sucks period, and having either a makeover or getting a little Botox isn't such a drastic measure, even if you're not planning on meeting anyone etc. This is my point of view and I'm sticking with it. Life is so hard when you don't feel your best physically... anything you can do for you, like dieting, going to a gym, getting a better hair cut, or even plastic surgery, can potentially make you feel better about yourself.

It is true, and I've noticed, people also treat you better. I've had horrible, horrible hair days, same clothes, but people are just generally ruder when a person doesn't look their best. It isn't fair, but that's what seems to happen. Getting older in this country is hard, because people are incrementally more distant. (i noticed in my twenties i got a lot more 'attention', as far as people wanting to reach out or become friends; now in my 40's most people are guarded, as if i'm about to chop their head off! ) But that is great that you know what you are doing is for yourself, screw the others. It is more fun that way :)

[Angelica Soprano]

Some of the problem with who and how we're perceived, is how we smile at this world. I must stop doing it! :) ---Oh sorry! = :(

[ily]

I don't know you, but I doubt you give off "bad person" vibes...the scary thing about bad people is that we usually don't know who they are until we're already in a relationship with them. So I don't think that's it. I've wondered if I give off some kind of asexual "pheromone". I've wondered why funny-looking people I knew could be in relationships, and I couldn't. If gay people have gaydar, then sexual people can probably identify each other as well. Go to an AVEN meetup if you can! I think that will go a long ways towards making you feel better...

[141822]

Obviously as I'm not one of the persons who 'lost interest in you' so I can't say for sure why exactly it happened. However, each person is different, whether by personalities or body language etc. I know I do some really annoying things when I'm around people that I don't realise I do, unless I look at it from a different perspective (so say I'm watching something that was videotaped involving my friends and I) and I'm like omg I can't believe I did that, it's not something I go out of my way to do, its just subconscious. What I would do, in you situation, is to have a friend present, so they can observe how you interact. My friends have been with people, and later been like - well I don't know why they were unhappy or something, and I'm like well did you realise that you did ______ or said ____ and that definitely impacted their perception of you. Other than that, no idea as to why it would occur. Unless they all just happen to have similarities, and didn't hit it off. Good Luck though.

[Amcan]

I've never dated. I don't even know how so I can relate a little.

[Goonie]

Your body language might be sending some signals you don't mean to. Like some people have told me I make myself invisible by the signals and vibe I give off. I've also been told that I give off this "f you" sort of look so people keep their distance.

[doogs]

This is my situation as well.

There is a woman in New York who promises to be able to cure this. Her name is Eva Margolies and her website is sexualsuccess.org (I think). She wrote a book but otherwise has no credentials.

Yes, I tried her. So far she hasn't given up any solutions. All I know so far is that it takes at least $450 to even get to the point where she might tell you what to do. But it might take more. At that rate I can't afford to be "cured"!

[catrinac]

I went to her website and got a very bad feeling about it. How awful that this is what the U.S. culture has devolved to. Instead of people naturally meeting and hooking up IF that is what they want to do we now have a culture based on desperation and inadequacy. Everyone must be "on" constantly sexually and there is no room to just be yourself. That sex has become so emphasized in the workplace I think also sucks. It has caused me so much freaking trouble. If someone isn't coming on to me they're rejecting me. I had a 17 year old ask for my number a few weeks ago. Of course I could never talk to him or hang out, I am way to old. Yet I don't feel I have sex appeal and have no desire to focus on that as a part of my life. I think it is important to look groomed and nice but the whole vibes thing is really distressing. Yet as I've said on another thread this is part of getting along in the culture nowadays with all the aggressive sexuals who are constantly on the make. I wouldn't spend the $450 to get advice from that lady, I'd spend it on a hair cut and good clothes. That's all people notice anyway!!

This is my situation as well.

There is a woman in New York who promises to be able to cure this. Her name is Eva Margolies and her website is sexualsuccess.org (I think). She wrote a book but otherwise has no credentials.

Yes, I tried her. So far she hasn't given up any solutions. All I know so far is that it takes at least $450 to even get to the point where she might tell you what to do. But it might take more. At that rate I can't afford to be "cured"!

[goldenlady]

Your body language might be sending some signals you don't mean to. Like some people have told me I make myself invisible by the signals and vibe I give off. I've also been told that I give off this "f you" sort of look so people keep their distance.

You too?! :D It must be something about me also. I usually don't look people directly in the face. I may glance, then look away quickly. They probably think I'm either shy, anxious, or dumb. One of the three. And I rarely smile, for there is no reason.

[thewrll]

Ive never dated and have never had any desire to date either.

[Illusionary]

Your body language might be sending some signals you don't mean to. Like some people have told me I make myself invisible by the signals and vibe I give off. I've also been told that I give off this "f you" sort of look so people keep their distance.

You too?! :D It must be something about me also. I usually don't look people directly in the face. I may glance, then look away quickly. They probably think I'm either shy, anxious, or dumb.

Another one here! I've never been told I give off these signals, but I'm almost positive I do. I know that I also glance at people then quickly look away. But I am shy, so some people assume correctly whereas I intimidate others ( which I find amusing since I'm about the size of a munchkin :lol: )