Best friend, love, and not being listened to

[Adnama]

I need to rant, and I need to rant bad, and I need to rant to someone who might have some tiny chance of understanding, and for some reason y'all sprung to mind even though this isn't a strictly asexual problem.

I have one of the best friends you could ever have.

She's actually the person who first applied the lable asexual to me. [she's definately NOT asexual however, she said she got the word out of some book.] She's one of those sexuals deserveing of one of those ASSS stamps someone was talking about awhile ago, lol.

This person is the only real true actuall friend I've ever had.

Sure I've had [and have] plenty of aquantences. And I even had a few "friends" in the past. [For the duration of this post please realise that I make a very real destinction between 'aquentence' and 'friend.' Friend is a level or two beyond a classmate/coworker or someone you just hang out with basicly.] But none of them were this good of a friend. This girl and I are really pretty close. It's hard to explain... but she really is one of those 'best' friends all the kids talk about haveing... and then some.

Now, she is a very touchy-feely, affectinate, huggy, open, expressive, and all that and then some kind of person. And I am very NOT any of that. [i'm sure some of y'all can relate to that] Sometimes we wonder how we ever became friends. It took her a while to get close enough to me to where I'd actually allow her to hug me and what not with out being uncomfortable.

*sits there for awhile trying to put the rest of this into words, is finding this harder than it should be.*

She's the kind of person who loves her friends, and tells them so... compleately in the platonic friendship kind of way. [Now maybe you know why I rant here as oposed to the teen boards I go to.]

And I love her as the greatest friend I've ever had. She's just such a wonderful person...

But every "I love you Amanda" is met with silence. I can't fathom why, but I can't say it. I think she knows me well enough to understand that I feel the same and can't say it. But it gets to me any way.

In any event, today at lunch she hugs me, and lays her head on my chest and says "I love you Amanda."

And I was actually contemplaiting returning the sentement. I think I'd actually opend my mouth.

"'cause of your comfy boobs."

Well there goes that moment. She was jokeing of course, she knows what kind of things pull my chain. We mock argued for a minuet, before she finaly retracted that statment. "Nah, that's not why I love you," and she proceeded to list why she loves me [because I'm a good friend and an individual ect ect, how sweet heh.] What a kodak moment.

And it's like, well here's a moment if I ever saw it.

And I opend my mouth, and I said "Well that's better, I love you too."

But... and here is something you have to understand about this girl. She's 'popular' at least in the sence that she knows EVERY ONE and has 50 freaking THOUSAND MILLION friends. That's always been a hard thing for me to come to terms with, I just can't socilize with a whole lot of people, I'm best one-on-one. And ALL OF THESE 50 THOUSAND MILLION PEOPLE are ALWAYS competeing for her attention! We are CONSTANTLY interupted. I know it's not her fault, but it's ALWAYS gotten to me [it all goes back to a very deep rooted fear I have of looseing my friends, but lets not psychoanilize me today lol.] I hate it when we get interupted, I've talked to her about it, but there isn't much she can do about it, so I do my best to ignore it.

Returning to our story, at the exact moment that I finaly poor my soul out.... the girl across the table jumps in. My words fall on deaf ears. I don't even know what she wanted, but she starts talking right when I'm talking, and has the girl go off on some errend for her or what ever. So she leaves for about 5 minuets.

By the time she comes back the moment is compleatly lost and the conversation migrates to something else entierly. I don't even remember what.

You know, this kind of thing seems to happen alot. No one ever listens to Amanda. It's happend, many times, that I can just stand there and talk in the mists of it all, and no one hears me. This isn't occationaly, it's often. And it happend again today....

When ever Amanda has something actually important or worthwhile to say, it falls on deaf ears.

You know sometimes I really do think I'm not cut out to have friends, I'm not cut out to be around other people, and this is only a tiny part of the reason for that.

*sigh* End rant... for now any way. Please forgive the long windedness of that. I'd love to hear from any one to can offer any insite or relate in the least :?

[Silly Green Monkey]

Maybe you could try writing it all down, so that the person you want to communicate with can get distracted but still come back to what you were saying.

I have a very quiet voice, so people find it easy to be distracted when I am talking. I've tried to be louder, since I'm a club president and must be heard, but people still complain that I'm too quiet.

[Ineptitude]

Hey, Amanda!! I can't say as I know exactly how you feel, but we do have a lot in common. I'm also lucky enough to have a spectacular best friend, and I've also got a deep rooted fear (based on experience) of losing my friends. My best friend moved this year, and so he has this whole new group of people in his life, and I'm always afraid I'm going to be left out or forgotten or something. So I'm with you so far.

As far as having other people interrupt you when you're hanging out, if it's really a problem, can you get some personal time? Just go to your room or somewhere that people won't be bugging you constantly? If you really have something important to say, it shouldn't be too much to ask.

But in general, yah, it is really obnoxious when people constantly interrupt you. I have the same problem because I speak softly, but I haven't figured out a good solution to it yet, other than yelling. I'm sorry you feel that way. That's one good thing about postboards - everyone hears you!!

[Carsonspire]

Amanda,

I think I know where you're coming from. I am a softspoken person, so whenever there's a competition of voices, I am the last person likely to be heard. I have had a similar friend-situation. I met a guy last year at our school's gay-straight alliance. He immediately became the center of attention and ignored me, presumably because of my quietness. This continued on for weeks and I finally got so sick of it that I sat him down in the club office when nobody else was around to disturb us and told him that I would like to be his friend, but his ignoring me really hurt my feelings. He seemed completely oblivious of his actions, or at least their effects on me, and immediately changed his behavior. Now, he is one of my best friends, and I also distinguish greatly between acquaintances and friends. We have been through hellish and sunny times together, and I can say with confidence that we will be friends for life. The moral of this story is, if you care enough about your friend, then do what Ineptitude suggested and take her to a quiet place where she will be forced to listen to what you have to say. It's worth the trouble, I'm sure.

[Bee]

Sounds like you need to spend some time with your best friend, just you and her going shopping or having a meal.

[Icarus]

You're fortunate to have someone. I hope you're able to work something out--maybe some occasional-but-regular together time that both of you are interested in.

I know the feeling though. A less rational part of you always wants to always have ther other person's undivided attention. But of course knows that would be impossible and probably selfish. Personally, I just try and let it slide--important things can always be brought up again later.

You know, this kind of thing seems to happen alot. No one ever listens to Amanda. It's happend, many times, that I can just stand there and talk in the mists of it all, and no one hears me. This isn't occationaly, it's often. And it happend again today....

When ever Amanda has something actually important or worthwhile to say, it falls on deaf ears.

Heh. Blowing people off like that should result in immediate and severe punishment by the Divine Stun Gun (whatever that is).

Persons A and B were talking for a minute or so.

Person A: "There's something I really want/need to show/tell you."

Person B: "Uh-huh--" gets distracted by someone, starts walking off.

Person A: (catches up) "I was--"

Person A: *sigh*

ZAPPP!

Person B: "Owwww!"

Divine: "Person A was talking to you in case you hadn't noticed, ****head. So why don't you go give him/her the courtesy of some of your attention, if that's within your capacity."

You know sometimes I really do think I'm not cut out to have friends, I'm not cut out to be around other people, and this is only a tiny part of the reason for that.

I know what that's like. I get about one really good friend every five years. The last one I had I gained last fall, they disappeared without a trace almost three months ago. At the going rate, I'll be due for my next really good friend sometime in 2008. Something to look forward to. (An absolute lack of peer groups is the biggest problem.) Thank God I'm kind of a loner and can get along without others.

Chalk up another in the can't-be-heard-well category. In my case having a deformed jaw is the problem. (i wonder if I'm sometimes invisible too. :roll:) Speaking sometimes isn't worth the effort--let's get together and invent some sort of telepathic speech. :)

[cijay]

Monkey took half my answer about the writing it down.

I have a feeling tho' that as far as being hears, it's not the volume that's the issue, it's the tendancy to become invisible in a group of more than two people. Also, once the moment is shattered, there's no sense in trying t pick it up later by asking for private time.

Perhaps IN the private time (or, in a letter) you can let your friend know that she needs to be able to tell her 50million disciples that she needs alone time with her best friend. When someone comes bounding over with an issue that simply cannot wait, maybe she should learn to let her disciples know that she's busy.

[fluffy_hime]

That sucks, Amanda! I suggest what everyone else said. If she really cares for you, she'll make time for you outside of wherever it is you get interrupted (school?), and she'll tell her annoying little friends to bug off when it's obvious you've got something to say. She should know you well enough.

I hate it when people get distracted so easily. I don't like repeating myself; it makes me feel dumb, so I generally just don't bother if someone isn't really listening.

[Des]

My soul is resonating on Amanda's wavelength.

What more needs to be said?

[Guest]

I'll third the writing it down idea. I personally can only express emotions for others when it's written down. It just makes everything so much easier, although you might not get across the tone of voice you desire.

You could always invite her to your house, or some other place you know you can be alone.

[Des]

You could always invite her to your house, or some other place you know you can be alone.

I dunno, I'd be careful there.

Get her all alone, set the tone, to tell her you love her, something she says all the time anyway for no reason. I'm betting she'll get the wrong idea.

Maybe in a public setting, but isolated from potential intruders. Preface with "I've got something difficult and personal to tell you."

[Guest]

Well, yeah, it doesn't have to be dramatic. That will obviously make it come across the wrong way. I just mean, if she's at your house, you can be, say, playing video games (or whatever you do :P) then casually say it for no reason like she does.

[ApolloSeek]

Adnama,

I'm thankful you're a quiet person. And I'm sorry your friend treats you as

if you are transparent. I've been treated that way, especially by my

family. That's why I visit my parents as little as possible. Plus they

interupt me all the time.

Note how people pause during a long conversation to catch their breath?

Most do not treat this as a signal to talk, but a pause. Not my family.

The slightest pause and they charge in.

Here's how I deal with it;

(1) Tell people I wish to be around to stop it. And be clear and specific.

If someone has any manners at all, they'll stop.

(2) If (1) doesn't work, talk to them as little as possible. I don't want

to deal with those who are so into themselves that they won't listen.

IMO, you are better off alone that with peope like that.

(3) I don't speak unless I have something worth saying. This

makes me think about what I say, resulting in coherent and

clear speech. People really appreciate this, especially on the job.

Please think about this-why talk when you can do? Give me 4 doers

and I'll accomplish more than 4 doers and 3 yappers together. My 4

doers will spend their time accomplishing instead of talking. Not so for

the 4 doers + 3 yappers. The 3 yappers will slow the 4 doers down.

You may be a doer, not a yapper.

Sidebar:

IMO, one of the problems in the USA is too many yappers and not enough

doers. The yappers are allowed to dominate discourse with a river of

words that are worthless and waste time better spent doing something.

[Adnama]

The odd thing about me, is that I have NO problem with volume. I don't talk a whole lot [unless I've had to much sugar] but when I do talk, I'm loud. I've often had people tell me to lower my voice. It's definately more along the lines of what cijay said- I just become transparent in groups.

It's not that she can't hear me, it's that she's not listening to me. I said something today, and she was distracted so she didn't listen to what I said and she said something along the lines of, "what? what?"

"See, no one listens to Amanda, I was talking right to you, you could hear me"

"no no, I'm listening, I heard noises..."

"That's not listening that's hearing!"

"Oh... yeah huh?"

I've thought about writeing it down... but I just can't bring my self to do it.

As for alone time... here's the thing about this: I go to high school on the opposite side of town from my house [the school here is a really bad place, and they don't have the advanced program that I'm in.] What does that mean? All of my friends and aquantences live on the opposite side of town from me. When I made the desision to go to this school, I'd been use to not haveing friends, didn't expect to make any new ones, and so I didn't see it as a problem [not that it would have changed the mind of a determined nerd any way]. But it didn't turn out that way. Next thing I know I have the greatest friend in the universe[she really is even though I seem to have alot of complaints about her], and the only times I get to see her is before school, lunch, and theater practice. We're busy during theater practice, and lunch and breakfast add up to about an hour a day, in the lunch room, where all of her deciples [ha, I love that word for it] reside.

It's very difficult, if not impossible, to see each other at any other time. So that idea is kind of out the window.

And besides that, expecialy with me, there are just cirtain moments that come up to say something like that, when that moment is destroyed it's gone, poof, for ever.

I got her alone after school once, to talk about all the interupting and not listening. We just got lucky with theater practice being half cancled and I haveing an hour till my ride came. But the conclution we came to is that there isn't any thing she can do about it. It's other people who interupt her, and she can't do much about that. She's not about to tell any one of them to buzz off. The only good that came out of that is that she knows that's how I feel, but with no way to change it.

Its not that she's self absorbed, or that she ignores any one on perpous. It's that every one likes her so much that they all compete for her attention, literaly! She's just one of those people. It's not her fault, I understand that.

Futhermore, I seem to be the only one who has a problem with it. Probably because I'm the only one who can't really socilize with all of them. I just can't take every one at once.

Good to know there's so many simmiler-wavelength-resounding souls around here though, heh. :)

[Cate Perfect]

Sidebar:

IMO, one of the problems in the USA is too many yappers and not enough

doers. The yappers are allowed to dominate discourse with a river of

words that are worthless and waste time better spent doing something.

Right on. And I also cannot take people who yammer on any time you take a breath. Or who feel compelled to talk about nothing. Cell phones only perpetuate that behaviour. Phones are to be used to impart pertinent information, not chunter on about what store you're in.

Cate

[mindlife]

Returning to our story, at the exact moment that I finaly poor my soul out.... the girl across the table jumps in. My words fall on deaf ears. I don't even know what she wanted, but she starts talking right when I'm talking, and has the girl go off on some errend for her or what ever. So she leaves for about 5 minuets.

I've been in situations like this.

I guess what has always perplexed me is the curious insensitivity in the "others." This was an important moment for you, and your intimate friend doesn't seem to realize it. Is that because she is insensitive to your non-physical cues?

I've often wondered about that.

[fluffy_hime]

The slightest pause and they charge in.

I do this, if I think I have something "important" to say. I'm very annoying.

She's not about to tell any one of them to buzz off.

Why not?

[guardianoftheblind]

If it's any comfort, I know exactly what this is like. I've had a moderate number of people who at one time or another have been my best friend. But I was never their best friends. They were always more important to me than I was to them. My best friend right now has told me I feel for her more than she feels for me. It's frustrating and it hurts. I've never been anybody's best friend.

One positive way to look at it is this friend is sweet enough to give you time and attention in the first place. She could easily snub you all the time in favor of her other dozens of friends. But it sounds like she talks to you a reasonable amount, she takes the time to say nice things and be silly with you. That's a hell of a lot more than what some people do, trust me. Enjoy her company and make the most of the time you have with her.

[Des]

yeah, I got 3 best friends. but only one of 'em even likes me. Well, she's the only one who returns my calls.

[Des]

hey, I just made Amoeba Colony.

[Silly Green Monkey]

Congrats Desdenflau!

[Bestatued Head]

I'm glad I read this. I've always been the wise-cracking yapper in every situation, and I bet I've made many people angry. Huh... no wonder I have no friends and too many aquaintences. But lately I'm beginning to notice the load of trash I say, and I'm becoming more empathetic in a way. I love maturation... sometimes I need a lot of it. :lol:

[Icarus]

Post deleted. (Disadvantage to having a ton of windows open at once--I replied to the wrong thread! :oops:)