Offended? Why or why not?

[Apophenia]

Here's the deal: While trying to find my own sexual identity I often found myself relating to the gay/lesbian genre. Most of the time I was rejected by either straight/gay friends. They had claimed that I was not gay, just curious. And they would be offended that I had called myself that orientation. So my question to you is...

Do you feel offended by people who claim to be asexual that may not be at all? Are you offended by those who just use this sexuality as a 'cane' to lean on until they can identify themselves to something?

If you are or you aren't offended, what is you're reason behind it if there is one?

Sorry, I'm just full of questions and may possibly become annoying as I can be a post whore! lol ;)

[Hayley]

Personally I'm not, but it's pretty much impossible to offend me anyway.

I just don't really see the big deal about the word 'asexual' itself, why should it be something 'sacred'? If identifying as asexual for a short while helps someone then I can only be pleased for them. :?

[cijay]

Here's the deal: While trying to find my own sexual identity I often found myself relating to the gay/lesbian genre. Most of the time I was rejected by either straight/gay friends. They had claimed that I was not gay, just curious. And they would be offended that I had called myself that orientation. So my question to you is...

Do you feel offended by people who claim to be asexual that may not be at all? Are you offended by those who just use this sexuality as a 'cane' to lean on until they can identify themselves to something?

If you are or you aren't offended, what is you're reason behind it if there is one?

Sorry, I'm just full of questions and may possibly become annoying as I can be a post whore! lol ;)

No, I'm not offended. I don't often give people permission to offend me.

I don't consider their using this sexuality as a can to lean on until they can identify with something because it could have been me and I'm sure they could use the rest.

I am always treated well in the GLBTA community. They don't always know I'm asexual (it's none of their business) but I have always been treated with respect.

[The Evil Cashew]

I'm not. We are complexe and soemtimes we need to take the time to figure things out, or to be comfortable with who we are. So if someone who is still searching uses asexual because it makes them happy for the time being. then fine. let them be happy.

~Cashew

[GirlInside]

I'm not offended, I just think they don't really understand what "asexual" means. That's hardly offensive.

But I read about this teenage boy who took on the identity of "transgendered" and cross-dressed in an attempt to help overthrow the patriarchy; he wasn't the least bit feminine at all, and the whole thing was obviously a political statement. I found that extremely offensive. You don't just decide to be transgendered; it comes from having to live your life (or at least the first part of it) in a gender role that is completely alien to you. what his "political statement" was really saying (whether he intended it or not) is that being transgendered is a lifestyle choice. That's hardly the revolutionary statement he was hoping for.

So I can understand how a person could find it offensive when someone claims to be asexual but might not be at all.

And yet, I understand how it is on the other end; some transgender forums (which shall remain nameless) basically told me that because I have no plans to transition, I'm "just a sensitive guy." :roll:

[AVENCakes]

Because I'm not an elitist bastard. That's why I'm not offended.

Sorry, did I type that out loud?

Anyways, honestly, they're idiots. They have no right to tell you what you are, any more than I have the right to say "oh, well, you aren't asexual because..." Honestly, I'd be like "hey, you actually know what that means. Awesome." And if it turns out they aren't, whatever.

Unless they're doing it to be mean. Like, pretending to be for whatever reason or trying to get something from it.

[rosalie]

Same here, I'm not offended. I can perfectly understand that someone may label him/herself asexual, even if the person is not sure about his/her sexual identity. It seems for some person that even fluctuates over periods in their lives.

As you will have read from the various posts and members, asexuality is a pretty broad spectrum so if someone's sexual identity is not so clear-cut, it may take time and inner search/understanding to conclude whether one fits under the asexual label and which of its many variations (like romantic or aromantic, bi, gay, lesbian, straight, something else...) and ultimately, some people feel like they don't need to use any label anymore... Up to you to figure out what is best for you.

[Idedalus]

I'm not offended at all. Nothing wrong with being curious and figuring yourself out :-) I find it easier to deal with curious people than those who are certain about what they want and don't want to allow anything else.

I've had that experience though of being rejected because I don't fit a certain label. I can sort of understand that rejection. I think those people are just trying to find someone who they think could give them what they want. Doesn't mean that they are right to judge you like that, but they are just trying to avoid being hurt, I think.

[cyan]

One more tick to the "not offended" column.

What does worry me, is if (when?) people use it as an excuse to avoid some topic they really ought to confront, for the sake of their own mental health. I feel like this is maybe another case of using it as a "crutch".

Even then, I'm not offended -- who am I to tell people what to do with their own mental health? A nosy friend, at best.

I just hope, personally, that everyone who takes on the label "asexual" (or really, just about any label) thinks critically about what the label actually means to them, and if they figure out the label doesn't fit, is honest enough with themselves to acknowledge that and move on. It's really sad to get stuck in a rut because you're too afraid to face yourself. (A bit of experience talking, here :P )

[ily]

I'm not offended. People have the right to call themselves whatever they want. Labeling other people is a different story. :roll:

[jr1]

we need to have thicker skin and not let people offend us

[Eta Carinae]

I'm not personally insulted (usually), but I don't think this practice is harmless. Think of all the dismissals of asexuality: that it's not real and we're just repressed or haven't met the right person, or that we're just using a fancy name for simple, chosen celibacy. Somebody who calls themselves asexual without actually being asexual is just confirming those ideas -- a particularly problematic issue given how few self-identified asexuals there are, as the not-actually-asexual-asexual may be some people's only exposure to the orientation.

If somebody genuinely thinks they're asexual, knows our definition, and fits it reasonably well, that's one thing. You can't hold a person culpable for that. You can't blame them if they don't know our definition, either. But using the identity as a crutch or when it doesn't apply at all (like a gay male poster we had once who thought he was asexual because he didn't care for anal), when the person knows about asexuality as an orientation, is a different matter.

[Orren]

It would be upsetting if someone questioned it with me.

I'm sure enough people have been offended similarly, when others don't believe it's true.

Like parents for example: 'It's just a phase', 'stop being ridiculous', 'that's not normal, I won't have that kind of behaviour in my house'.

I think, some people like the idea of putting themselves into groups and feeling superior to others, especially ones who so wish to be a part of the group but don't 'qualify'.

It's like the 'No Homer's club'; childish.

You see it with religion and nationality as well as sexuality. It's all completely pointless to me.

[cait]

Because I'm not an elitist bastard. That's why I'm not offended.

Yeah, agreed.

I've found a lot in the gay community (I'm about to get offensive, not offended) you have to be like really really gay in order to be accepted as one of them. Whatever that means ... but that's why there are so many people prancing around "trying" to be super gay. I think it's silly and ridiculous, and a lot of gay people don't believe in bisexuality, and that just downright pisses me off more than offends me. Anyway ... in my opinion everybody's sexuality is absolutely complex and if they don't have a mind to explore that, and they just slap everyone in categories "gay" or "not gay" or "sexual" or "not sexual", then that's their loss.

[Apophenia]

Because I'm not an elitist bastard. That's why I'm not offended.

Yeah, agreed.

I've found a lot in the gay community (I'm about to get offensive, not offended) you have to be like really really gay in order to be accepted as one of them. Whatever that means ... but that's why there are so many people prancing around "trying" to be super gay. I think it's silly and ridiculous, and a lot of gay people don't believe in bisexuality, and that just downright pisses me off more than offends me. Anyway ... in my opinion everybody's sexuality is absolutely complex and if they don't have a mind to explore that, and they just slap everyone in categories "gay" or "not gay" or "sexual" or "not sexual", then that's their loss.

Your statement right here just furthers my amazement of the human body/brain even more. The entire functionality of it, in all its complexities, are endless. No one person, whether they are the smartest person alive, can ever define one aspect of someone's life. It truly puts me in awe to think of the possiblities, of the science of it all.

[Busrider]

To err is human

If you "find the right person" at the tender age of 50-something and "bloom" I simply hope that the time spent here might have honed your tolerance and understanding for asexuality.

Besides friendly support for each other this seems to be one of the main interests of this community. (I see Eta Crinae's point but it doesn't matter that much to me since I'm still hiding in the closet and am also way too lazy for visibility work)

Labeling oneself "questioning / grey-A" or saying "I feel asexual" are options too and might not water down the asexuality of others that much. - But only you can tell what or how you feel and where you like to stand in the world.

[Tangled trees]

I'm with Eta Carinae -- I'm not personnally offended in any way, but people identifying as asexual when they are not (and sometimes very, very obviously not), is detrimental to getting asexuality accepted as valid. It gives ammo to the "Asexuality is a mental illness" people, and they have enough ammo as it is.

As an example, here is an image a friend forwarded to me after finding it in a secret-posting community...

And that's one of many on many, many sites.

End result is instant disbelief when you just so happen to be an actual asexual in a community where most of the others are fake / in denial / mistaken :?

[noise]

I'm with Eta Carinae -- I'm not personnally offended in any way, but people identifying as asexual when they are not (and sometimes very, very obviously not), is detrimental to getting asexuality accepted as valid. It gives ammo to the "Asexuality is a mental illness" people, and they have enough ammo as it is.

i agree completely.

[OwlSaint]

I'm with Eta Carinae -- I'm not personnally offended in any way, but people identifying as asexual when they are not (and sometimes very, very obviously not), is detrimental to getting asexuality accepted as valid. It gives ammo to the "Asexuality is a mental illness" people, and they have enough ammo as it is.

i agree completely.

It can be very irritating when someone does something along those lines, and doesn't make a very good first impression.

I'm not offended by someone who is confused, but someone who is just being confrontational or an ass can be fairly annoying.

[Apophenia]

I agree. That goes for any aspects in life as well. Confrontational people with the intent on hurting others just for the purpose of doing so are cruel. Live and Let Live... why is that so hard for some people?

[yay]

not offended

[alicaurusrex]

I find it all a bit silly but sometimes I can kind of understand that when people identify as something they might not be, it can undermine the validity of that identification... does that make sense? Someone else just worded it better before me, but that's what I mean.

But yeah, not personally offended at all, I just see why some people might be.

[bbctv]

it takes a lot to offend me, so no.

[Haunter]

Because I'm not an elitist bastard. That's why I'm not offended.

Yeah, agreed.

So what's wrong with being an elitist?! I resent that! :twisted:

[rosalie]

I'm not personally insulted (usually), but I don't think this practice is harmless. Think of all the dismissals of asexuality: that it's not real and we're just repressed or haven't met the right person, or that we're just using a fancy name for simple, chosen celibacy. Somebody who calls themselves asexual without actually being asexual is just confirming those ideas -- a particularly problematic issue given how few self-identified asexuals there are, as the not-actually-asexual-asexual may be some people's only exposure to the orientation.

If somebody genuinely thinks they're asexual, knows our definition, and fits it reasonably well, that's one thing. You can't hold a person culpable for that. You can't blame them if they don't know our definition, either. But using the identity as a crutch or when it doesn't apply at all (like a gay male poster we had once who thought he was asexual because he didn't care for anal), when the person knows about asexuality as an orientation, is a different matter.

Good point. I did not think that far... But indeed.

[Remote]

I hope people aren't offended, because I think I see myself as someone for whom asexuality is a possible but not a defintive identification.

Presumably one of the things that upsets people is when an individual who ceases to live an asexual 'lifestye' then tries to deny that it was ever part of them. Rather like people who have had gay experiences but when they enter a straight relationship, refuse to aknowledge their own past.

If I did enter a sexual relationship with someone, I think I would be quite happy to tell them that I'd been living an asexual 'lifestyle' beforehand. In fact, I think honesty on the subject would be essenstial.

The label subject is an interesting one. I suspect that for some people, identifying strongly with a label can supply a sense of security in a chaotic world - not to mention the chaos of human thought. That's not to say that the identification might not be totally valid, but others have said, if you do want to do it, it's important to consider the meaning of the label you chose.

I totally agree with cait's comments about certain elements in the gay community putting pressure on people to be 'super gay'. I've known some really cool, interesting gay guys who still feel the need to put on an act on the scene, just to fit in. And I'm not just talking about young people here, there are are older guys who get caught in that facade for life.

[agentjones]

Sexual identity is confusing enough as it is; I started out fairly I was straight, had fleeting thoughts of being gay, was convinced by someone else that I was bi, and finally found this place. And I'm comfortable here.

I may not even really be asexual, but right now, that's the best fit, and in my experience that's about as valid as I can get. I feel comfortable and confident calling myself asexual, and I think that anyone who thinks this description fits them as well has every right to say so, regardless of whether they find that fit for a few months or the rest of their lives.

[Dame du Lac]

I'm not offended because my self-identity is not based on my sexuality. And within any "sexuality" there is going to a range of feelings and attitudes towards sexual behaviour and attraction. If you think about it, most people do not join web forums or support groups based on who they have a desire to have sex with. Forums like this will attract people who are questioning, and as others have said, some of them may label themselves asexual for a while before realising that's not really who they are.

On the other hand, I do find it odd when people post to the effect that they wish to be asexual when clearly they are not. I'm not offended by these posts though as the people concerned are clearly having difficulties and I see no problem with them coming here to get a bit of perspective on their situation. And I don't think its a problem visibility/education wise having these people on site as long as we give balanced, mature replies. On the contrary, if sceptical people see us patiently explaining the difference between not experiencing sexual attraction and choosing to become abstinent because of sexual frustration or difficulties then they will see that we are serious about asexuality as an orientation and are not some irresponsible recruitment site for abstinence which some critics have expressed fears about.