Nigel Fairhurst

[michaeld]

Recently I heard the very sad news that Nigel Fairhurst ( @NigelFt ) passed away in January this year, aged 49. He was a moderator of T&S (possibly other forums) and then an admin (the second ever Policy Admin, replacing @kbrd143). He was also very active on the UK meetup scene in the early 2010s, especially in London and surrounding areas. He hadn't been active on AVEN for over a decade so I'm sure only a few here remember him.

 

Others who were around from that time can probably give a better and more rounded tribute. I'll share a few random rambly memories of my own. These aren't in any way the most important things to say about Nigel, but are just some of my lasting memories that I wanted to write down.

 

I first met Nigel in person during the 2011 Leicester Space Centre meet organised by @Ninny:

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/59399-national-space-centre-leicester-saturday-14th-may/

 

I managed to severely shock him by not knowing who Yoda is! (He used the fact his avatar was Yoda to identify his account... He wasn't expecting my answer of "Who's Yoda?" At least I now know...)

 

I also learnt on meeting him that he was living with a rather severe disability, which you wouldn't really guess from online interactions as he rarely spoke of it. I think I remember him saying (and I don't think he'd mind me repeating this) that he was often somewhat acerbic in his interactions with people in real life, but that this wasn't really his personality. He definitely had a sharp tongue, but I never detected any nastiness in anything he did or said.

 

The other thing that was clear from meeting him in person - more so than online - is that he had a highly intellectual and analytical mind, much like many other AVENites. The sort of person I can imagine spending hours discussing science, philosophy, life, the universe, everything and of course (if I'd had any knowledge about it) Star Wars.

 

He was definitely the theorist of the AVEN team, which is the why the role of Policy Admin suited him. I hope @AVENguy and @Kelly won't mind that he once described DJ as the visionary, Kelly as the mechanic/engineer who got stuff done and himself as the person who slowed things down a little, to make sure precedent and policy were being followed. He wrote some of my favourite ever "admods only" posts, meticulously laying out in detail why he'd voted a particular way, with an eye to policy and future precedent rather than just the situation of the moment. In a different life, he definitely could have been a supreme court judge!

 

He also said on several occasions that his job would be impossible without the role played by @WünderBâhr, who at the time was "Info Admin" (a position we've since abolished... maybe that was an error!) I remember during the 2011-12 period, the three of us spent many hours on skype calls discussing AVEN policy and of course current events and drama.

 

I hung out with him quite a bit during that first meet. Aside from talking about the Drake Equation and other things from the Space Museum (given we both had a strong interest in Astronomy), we actually talked a lot about AVEN. I'd only joined the PT a few months earlier, and Nigel had become admin at a similar time. I got a sense from talking to Nigel at that meet about how excruciatingly complex AVEN politics can be. The site was in the middle of several behind-the-scenes crises at the time ("AVEN is creaking at the seams" to use Nigel's words) and it seemed Nigel (and his attempts to deal with them) were at the centre of most of it.

 

He also played a large role in WorldPride 2012, which brought aces from around the world to his hometown of London. It was at WorldPride 2012 that we had our first major international conference. The banner we use at Pride London goes back to WorldPride 2012. The waterpipe system we use to hold up the banner - and used at Pride London to this very day - was an ingenious solution devised by .. you guessed it, Nigel. I realise people who haven't been to Pride London won't know what I'm talking about - maybe @Skycaptain (who currently holds the banner and the piping) can provide some photos? (Seriously, it's about time we found a new solution for holding up the banner, ingenious though it was at the time.)

 

Nigel and I also jointly did the Q&A for the first viewing of the (A)sexual documentary in the UK. It was at an LGBTQ+ centre in London (can't remember now which) and I remember it was an extremely lively discussion. We must have stood around a good 45min after the film was over answering questions from the audience.

 

I think that to the extent he got involved with things, he'd go above and beyond ... until he couldn't handle it any more due to other life commitments. Maybe that's why he seemed to be pulling 9 or 10 different threads on AVEN, many of which I'd been blissfully unaware of. Until he got burnt out. He stepped down as admin in late 2012 and then never posted on AVEN again. As policy admin, he did a lot of work behind the scenes, which has had a lasting effect on AVEN - which isn't known by most of the membership. But he was undoubtedly part - even if only for a comparatively fleeting moment - of AVEN's long and complex story, much of which is still undocumented.

 

I think I last met @NigelFt in person in 2014, when we went to dinner with @ithaca, who had just moved to the UK. He was then hard to get hold of. I remember hearing indirectly from him one more time in the intervening years (when he sent a message to the AVEN social media). I really wish I'd tried reaching out a few other times over the years.

 

I've tried to find photos but I'm coming up pretty short so far. Here's one from the WorldPride 2012 march:

 

Nigel is second on the left on the banner, between @A name is required (on the left of the banner, nearest the camera) and @TheSMMG (at the centre of the banner).

 

I hope to find more pictures before too long! If anyone has their own, please do share.

 

Thanks to @SpirallingSnowy for bringing this sad news to my attention in the first place, by finding an update on his facebook page.

 

People I haven't tagged who might like to chip in:

@AorNay @Tanwen @KAGU143 @Pandoren @Zanzibel @The Evil Cashew @Amcan @Lord Happy Toast @Roon @Coleslaw @Joshua @Goonie @Cicero @bristrek @De Mij'lory @Face @Kitty Rose @MyUmbrella @Kimbugs @P Orridge  @Herr Joseph von Löthing @------ @ShahidAfridiBOOMBOOM @drnick @Gho St Ory Qwan @Ged of Earthsea @Wayne Turner @carried in bags @thecoldground @. . .but there are sounds @Olivier @daveb @Qutenkuddly @Lady Girl @The Great WTF @Heart @Great Thief Yatagarasu

[daveb]

RIP Nigel  

 

I never had the honor of meeting him in person or working with him on staff or anything. I do recall his presence on here back in the day (and possibly occasional mentions of him or references to him in various places here). I also seem to recall seeing him in a photo, as he does look familiar in the pic of the Ace banner.

Edited March 30 by daveb

[LeChat]

Thank you, for sharing that.

 

I didn't know him, nor get to work with him, but I came across some of his posts. His work lives on, on the site, as a part of AVEN's history and, possibly, as an inspiration for others.

 

3 hours ago, michaeld said:

...Nigel and I also jointly did the Q&A for the first viewing of the (A)sexual documentary in the UK. It was at an LGBTQ+ centre in London (can't remember now which) and I remember it was an extremely lively discussion...

Hi. Is this it? If so, it lists the venue.

I hope this helps.

 

(from archive.org - Oct. 16, 2012)

THE ASEXUAL WORLDPRIDE CONFERENCE, LONDON 8 JULY 2012 | Asexual Visibility and Education Network (archive.org)

 

(also mentioned in a small blurb on AVEN's past main page on Oct. 1, 2012, as well as on the main pages of several past, main pages over dates/months that year)

https://web.archive.org/web/20121001074724/http://www.asexuality.org/home/

[Sally]

Is Nigel the Avenite with short dark hair behind the banner?

 

I recognize most of those names at the bottom of your post from many years ago in AVEN -- haven't seen posts from most of them for a long time.  Those of us who've been here 15+ years miss so many people who are no longer active.

[michaeld]

5 hours ago, LeChat said:

Hi. Is this it? If so, it lists the venue.

I hope this helps.

 

(from archive.org - Oct. 16, 2012)

THE ASEXUAL WORLDPRIDE CONFERENCE, LONDON 8 JULY 2012 | Asexual Visibility and Education Network (archive.org)

That is the WorldPride asexuality conference, which we ran, and yes it was held at the London South Bank uni (Keyworth Centre): videos here. The first viewing of (A)sexual in the UK - where Nigel and I did the Q&A - was several months earlier. It was at an event that we weren't running (and unlike the WP acecon probably had a largely non-ace audience), but were invited to in order to do the Q&A afterwards.

 

The WP acecon did also have a viewing of (A)sexual (and Nigel was indeed present). We had DJ himself there to do a Q&A afterwards (rather brief as it was the end of the day and we all wanted to go to the pub!)

 

5 hours ago, Sally said:

Is Nigel the Avenite with short dark hair behind the banner?

Yep.

 

Quote

I recognize most of those names at the bottom of your post from many years ago in AVEN -- haven't seen posts from most of them for a long time.  Those of us who've been here 15+ years miss so many people who are no longer active.

They're not forgotten and are all part of AVEN's story, even if they're no longer active here.

[ithaca]

Thank you @michaeldfor posting about this. It is so sad that he left the world so young. 
 

He was a big presence on AVEN when I joined in 2011 and I had the honour of meeting him at WP2012 and in my holiday around those days.
 

Not only that, he was such a friendly man that when I moved to London in 2014 in a rather disorganised fashion he offered to

have me stay at his place the first few nights until I found a place to go to.

He was sweet and goofy, as shown in some of these pics (eg the one with me where we had actually bumped our heads accidentally, as shown in the following pic). He’ll be missed, and I will always regret not having seen him in about 10 years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[michaeld]

Thanks so much for the piccies, @ithaca!

[Kimmie.]

Sad to hear ☹️

[kbrd143]

So sorry to hear about Nigel’s passing. He will be missed. Thank you, @michaeld, for the wonderful tribute, and @ithaca for the photos.

[LeChat]

Thank you, @ithaca, for sharing your memories and photos.

 

10 hours ago, michaeld said:

...Nigel and I also jointly did the Q&A for the first viewing of the (A)sexual documentary in the UK. It was at an LGBTQ+ centre in London (can't remember now which) and I remember it was an extremely lively discussion. We must have stood around a good 45min after the film was over answering questions from the audience...

 

2 hours ago, michaeld said:

...The first viewing of (A)sexual in the UK - where Nigel and I did the Q&A - was several months earlier. It was at an event that we weren't running (and unlike the WP acecon probably had a largely non-ace audience), but were invited to in order to do the Q&A afterwards...

Okay! Thank you, for sharing the WorldPride info and more info about the event you and Nigel did.

 

If it helps, I found this: (A)sexual screening this Saturday, 14 April in London - United Kingdom and Ireland - Asexual Visibility and Education Network (asexuality.org)

[WünderBâhr]

I never got to meet Nigel in person, but we did have a lot of conversations, back in the day, as fellow Admins. I remember him as being so kind and thoughtful. He will definitely be missed.

[daveb]

Great pics, @ithaca! Thanks for sharing those.

The bumping heads thing made me chuckle.  

[OptimisticPessimist]

So sorry. My thoughts are with his friends, family and everyone who knew him.  His contribution to AVEN and the ace community won’t be forgotten. 

[Goonie]

I am sorry to hear this news.

[Lord Happy Toast]

I never met him in person, but when I worked with Nigel, I remember him as kind and as being a very capable admin.

[michaeld]

On 3/30/2024 at 10:21 AM, kbrd143 said:

So sorry to hear about Nigel’s passing. He will be missed. Thank you, @michaeld, for the wonderful tribute, and @ithaca for the photos.

Good to hear from you @kbrd143. For those who don't know @kbrd143 (first policy admin on AVEN, directly preceding Nigel) and wife @KAGU143 were also highly influential in setting the early direction for AVEN, and also ace discourse more generally through the US Media Team.

 

On 3/30/2024 at 10:39 AM, LeChat said:

If it helps, I found this: (A)sexual screening this Saturday, 14 April in London - United Kingdom and Ireland - Asexual Visibility and Education Network (asexuality.org)

That's the one! I guess I should have said it was the first fully public screening of (A)sexual in the UK. As that thread mentions, there was an earlier viewing at Warwick Pride. There was also one at the University of Kent (Canterbury) in late 2011 if my memory is correct. I think these last two were restricted to members of the universities and invited guests.

[LeChat]

Okay!

Thank you, and everyone else for sharing more information.

[Tanwen]

It's taken a while to actually process this, and I'm not sure how far along the road I am, at one point we 'spoke' often but like most friendships, I'm ashamed to say, I let it fade. I looked at his FaceBook page - and 'stole' this pic (another of Ithaca's). He was a very caring and understanding individual who didn't deserve the rotten hand he'd been dealt but was never bitter about it.

[Cicero]

Thanks for sharing this news, @michaeld. I was thinking of some of the old members recently, including Nigel, and wondered how he was doing. Such a shame to hear this.

 

I met him a few times at various meets back in the day and remember him always being full of character and very witty.

[Kelly]

Thank you for sharing, @michaeld. I did not know. So sorry to hear! 

 

I got to meet him a few times. The last time, I had a layover in London and he met me at a pub before I had to leave:

 

[Amcan]

Thanks for passing along this very sad news @michaeld

 

Nigel was one of the best admins we've had. His insights were always thoughtful and appreciated. I still associate the name Nigel with Yoda thanks to his avatar!

 

Sadly I never met him in person but I do recall several online interactions on messengers and via PMs. He was always honest and interesting in whatever interactions we had. I was very sad to see him suffer the burnout he did and to leave AVEN afterward. I can't believe that was so long ago. He was very much missed.

 

RIP Nigel.