For sexuals-whats it like to have a sex drive?

[Frendo]

and I don't mean one where you feel the need to masturbate like some aces do, I mean the ones where you feel you need to have sex with a partner(could be anyone whether in a romantic relationship or not). I'm still unsure about libido or no libido or whatever, I might just be at the point in my life where I don't worry about it as much. Some of my peers seem more interested in having sex than others, and it doesn't really matter whether or not they've lost their virginity. But I have been wondering for a while. Anyway, here are my questions:

1. When would you say you started to have a sex drive? How was it effected by losing your virginity(I mean like did you want sex more or less, etc.)

2. How is it triggered? Does it feel really simular to the need to eat, etc?

3. How does it feel(for you atleast) to go without sex? Does it negatively effect you? How does it feel to not have those cravings 'satiated'?

 

Anyway please try to make sure that you talk about your opinion/feeling on sex and not the sex itself, thank you

[a little annihilation]

1. i feel like to some extent i started having a sex drive pretty young, like before i started puberty. not a very strong one obviously but it was definitely there. i think losing my virginity made sex more real to me. i have (and still kinda do) lived in a bubble my whole life, i am naive in the way that my life experiences bank is very empty. in terms of things i've done i haven't got much to show for. until i was 16, my parents controlled every aspect of my life and i feel like my own thoughts were under lock and key and everything i consumed was heavily censored. so, sex didn't really absorb into my brain as an actual thing until i actually experienced it. that being said, i don't believe my base level libido has really been affected as a result. 

 

2. assuming it's not triggered by regular old ovary hormones, it's non-existent unless i actively have a partner or am talking to a potential partner. if i do not have a partner or prospects for one, sex usually doesn't cross my mind organically. if i do, then i feel like my libido is probably about average, if not a little lower but still within somewhat normal range. 

 

3. if i went through a medically induced early menopause as i would like, i'm not sure i would even notice going without sex if i didn't have a partner. but, assuming i actively want sex and can't have it, it's just incredibly annoying and mentally grating. i personally would not liken it to hunger but more like having a song you hate be stuck in your head or some issue that you can't think of a solution for nagging at you in your mind. it's frustrating and in the moment seems impossible to quell, and may make it hard to shift your thoughts onto something else. 

[MarRister]

I have quite a low libido generally. My sex drive in the sense of wanting to have sex with a partner really only strongly arises when I have someone of interest in my life. I'm someone who can go for long periods without partnered sex and have it not bother me too much, though this is when I have no one of interest in my life. 

 

1) When did I start to have a sex drive? Fuck if I know really. I think I had the capacity for it for a good while before I really realized I did because of mental blocks in my way. I didn't have sex for the first time until I was 27. When I did, it was because I felt like I could finally be ready for it, and had someone of interest around to ask. Having sex for the first time didn't really have any affect on my drive I don't think, other than maybe solidifying that sex felt like a real attainable thing for me that didn't have to be scary and could also be enjoyable and fun.

 

2) A person triggers it for me. Someone who I feel attraction for, and that that attraction is returned in kind. I don't really have a ton of free floating undirected desire going on, I more so need someone to inspire it. And no I would not say it feels similar to needing to eat. If I don't eat that has tangible and direct impacts to my health and well being, like feeling faint/low blood sugar and so on. Maybe I could see it more like, not needing to eat, but wanting to eat some food you are really craving at that time. Like "damn I could really go for a burger right now", as opposed to a general "I am hungry and need to eat". But it is its own thing that I think is hard to make good comparisons to.

 

3) How it feels to go without sex is totally context dependent for me. If I am single and am not interested in anyone I don't really give much of a shit. Maybe a passing thought would cross my mind of "that could be nice" but then without someone to direct that at it just never goes anywhere and I'm not too bothered by it. If I had a partner and we had to go without sex, I think it would also depend on the reasons why that was the case. If they were ill or something or idk some sort of reason that is basically uncontrollable but I know there is still mutual attraction and desire there, then I think while I'd feel saddened by the lack of it, I would cope fine. In the case of there not being a clear reason why, and me not feeling secure in the relationship and/or feeling unsure if they felt desire/attraction for me, then I think it would drive me mad. It is really an emotional thing as opposed to physical in why it would affect me or not. 

[Ceebs]

8 hours ago, Frendo said:

1. When would you say you started to have a sex drive? How was it effected by losing your virginity(I mean like did you want sex more or less, etc.)

I'm not sure how to answer this exactly, but I remember definitely being curious about the concept of sex and thinking it sounded sort of good when I was about 13. I recall two of my favourite characters in one of my favourite TV shows being in a sex scene and kind of wanting to experience something like that someday. I taped that episode off the television and watched it over and over lol. I didn't actually want to really have sex with anyone yet though, and probably would've been horrified if the opportunity had presented itself. I had some crushes, but I didn't think about sex with these people. I noticed that when I was near them I felt kind of giddy and happy and nervous and flustered, and I wondered what it would be like to kiss them. If someone I had a crush on did something like touch my arm, it felt thrilling. Any daydreams I might've had about anyone were just kind of vaguely romantic in nature, not sexual. It felt like being obsessed with a person. I didn't masturbate to anyone, I didn't really masturbate much at all. I knew sensations down there could feel good but I felt vaguely grossed out and guilty and honestly I wasn't quite sure what the feeling even was. It rarely occurred to me as something to do and I didn't connect those sensations to other people.

 

I completely lost any degree of interest in sex within the next couple of years when I began struggling with an eating disorder. It took a huge medical and psychological toll. Zero sex drive of any nature, and by the time I was in my late teens I felt outright disgusted by and hostile towards the idea of sex. My physical health improved a bit after a period of partial recovery when I was in my very early 20s. Sex didn't seem gross anymore but the idea of having it still made me feel quite nervous. I had no idea if I really wanted to have it or not.

 

It was not long thereafter that I finally found myself in a situation with someone where there were mutual feelings and having sex was a real and immediate possibility, and I realised that it seemed natural to me to want to do that with someone. That instinct didn't mean I was instantly comfortable with my own sexuality though. It was long after I lost my virginity (honestly not until I was about 30) that I stopped feeling a lot of shame surrounding sex, around wanting and enjoying it.

 

8 hours ago, Frendo said:

2. How is it triggered? Does it feel really simular to the need to eat, etc?

No, to me it doesn't feel like a need to eat. It feels more like a need to listen to my favourite music in the universe, music that gives me a huge dopamine hit and makes me feel pure joy at being alive. (Edit: I say this as someone who really really really loves music, like it's one of the most important things in the world to me and I wouldn't want to be alive without it. If you're not a huge music person, the analogy might not work.) I don't really get physical-only cravings for sex much, but I get very strong feelings of 'This is an activity I love and it makes me really happy, so I want it now/soon/whatever'.

 

Generally it's triggered for me by interacting with someone I'm attracted to. I don't mean someone I think is hot-looking, I mean someone whose character I like, where something about our dynamic triggers that spark of sexual feelings. And then when I'm interacting with them, generally something like playfully joking around, banter, having a really good conversation, laughing at a movie or doing a favourite activity together, etc. it can get me in the mood for sex. Sometimes it's really just kind of out of the blue. Something will remind me briefly of sex and I'll think 'Mmm that sounds good' and I'll initiate something with my partner if the time is right.

 

8 hours ago, Frendo said:

3. How does it feel(for you atleast) to go without sex? Does it negatively effect you? How does it feel to not have those cravings 'satiated'?

Physically honestly it makes no difference to me. My body doesn't bug me for sex. Hell, it doesn't even particularly bug me to masturbate (although I do sometimes, because I know I'll definitely enjoy it). When I'm not experiencing any type of connection with someone that involves mutual sexual desire though, when there's no one who's my partner (or a potential partner, someone I've been interacting with in a way that seems like it could probably lead to a romantic and sexual relationship), I feel like something really important is missing in my life. Honestly I feel like my own sexuality is missing, and I feel like part of who I am that can only come out and be expressed when there's another person involved just kind of ceases to exist.

 

This didn't bother me when I was young and wasn't yet comfortable with my sexuality. I didn't even really notice. Now it feels like grief and sadness. Or rather it would if I didn't have that type of connection in my life, but I do. When my last relationship was clearly breaking down, I started fixating on the idea of what if I never feel that again, what if I never find another person who brings out that part of who I am? I didn't want to lose my... sexual self... because that's one of very few aspects about who I am that I love. But it truly requires connection with another person for me to engage with it, and it can't just be anyone. I realised casual sexual stuff doesn't fill that need for me, it has to be someone who's properly in my life and with whom I connect in many ways. Basically it needs to be a relationship or probably on the way to becoming a relationship; I only want and am only fulfilled by that type of sex. And the idea of living without that sounds painful and sad and empty to me.

[RoseGoesToYale]

47 minutes ago, Frendo said:

I don't mean one where you feel the need to masturbate like some aces do, I mean the ones where you feel you need to have sex with a partner

My body doesn't differentiate, but my brain does. Take that as you will.

 

49 minutes ago, Frendo said:

 

1. When would you say you started to have a sex drive? How was it effected by losing your virginity(I mean like did you want sex more or less, etc.)

I haven't had partnered sex yet, but I started to have an actual sex drive once I developed strong feelings for the first person I was ever sexually attracted to. It shot up like a rocket and never fell. The closest thing I've had to partnered sex was sexting (granted, not close to irl at all), and it just made my libido increase.

 

52 minutes ago, Frendo said:

2. How is it triggered? Does it feel really simular to the need to eat, etc?

It isn't, it's there constantly. Some days I want to act on it more than others, like when I'm really depressed not so much, also, paradoxically, when I'm really happy, not so much either (this probably goes back to the whole haven't-had-partnered-sex-yet-and-have-no-available-partners thing). When I'm so-so, and especially when it's that time of the month, it's at its highest. Low libido for me is still higher than most of the AMAB people I talk to in a day.

 

57 minutes ago, Frendo said:

3. How does it feel(for you atleast) to go without sex? Does it negatively effect you? How does it feel to not have those cravings 'satiated'?

It literally eats me alive and tortures my brain to death, I hate it and it drives me insane. This is obviously not a universal experience, and a good lot of my sexual friends find partnered sex to be meh and are unbothered by a lack of it.

[Ceebs]

36 minutes ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

Low libido for me is still higher than most of the AMAB people I talk to in a day.

Yeah I can relate to that. Well, in a general way, not that I talk to too many guys every day; the two I consistently talk to are my partner (whose libido is fairly similar to mine) and my ex (who is still a close friend, but also asexual and as far as I know he doesn't particularly have a libido). But as a general comparison to guys I've talked to over time, at this point in my life (italics cos it was definitely not true when I was younger), I seem to want sex about as much as a fairly horny man lol. But... for me, that's when I have an actual person available to have sex with. I initiate more often than my partner does and I'd say he has an average to higher-than-average libido. But if there's no one available, my libido does shut down to a decent degree.

 

36 minutes ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

a good lot of my sexual friends find partnered sex to be meh

That one kind of blows my mind. I've had specific sexual experiences that were meh or outright unpleasant, but in a general way, partnered sex is one of my very favourite activities in the world. If I had the energy and enough time in the day after doing other things as well, and assuming I wasn't going through a bad period of feeling extra physically unwell (cos... chronic health stuff), I'd happily have partnered sex pretty much every day or more than once a day.

 

The rest of my body might be fairly unbothered if it doesn't get sexual release since it's never really like 'I just need to get off', but my... emotional self... is super not happy about it.

 

36 minutes ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

especially when it's that time of the month, it's at its highest

That is very consistently when my interest is at its absolute lowest. PMS means my mood is flatter, my level of fatigue is high, and my body just feels generally gross from a sensory perspective. If it's not too bad I'm still very much open to sex if the mood is right, but often I feel less like bothering. Also once my period actually starts I'm not interested because I just don't like period sex.

 

As soon as Monthly Lady Times are over though, my partner has got used to me basically being obsessed with sex. 😅 (My baseline mood goes up a whole lot too. And when I'm happy, I want to shag a lot.)

[RoseGoesToYale]

1 minute ago, Ceebs said:

That one kind of blows my mind. I've had specific sexual experiences that were meh or outright unpleasant, but in a general way, partnered sex is one of my very favourite activities in the world. If I had the energy and enough time in the day after doing other things as well, and wasn't going through a bad period of feeling extra physically unwell, I'd happily have partnered sex pretty much every day or more than once a day.

 

Yeah, I'm guessing a lot of their sentiment comes from having meh or bad partners, or just the general hell of having to socialize with people in order to get to partnered sex, which means dealing with all of their BS, etc. Maybe the answer would be different if I stipulated that a) said sex partner would be completely complimentary to them, and b) the hypothetical encounter would involve no drama and no BS.

[Acian]

My sex drive doesn’t actually lead to sex. It’s more emotional for me so there are other things that can be sexually gratifying for me or have the same effect. Genitals don’t cause any arousal but the idea of someone wanting be to be with me, being vulnerable, and being open about feelings can trigger my sex drive. If there’s a deep emotional bond then I’ll be aroused and I’ll be open to having sex if it’s what my partner wants. If my partner has little to 0 interest in sex then I can’t ever entertain/fantasize about having sex. Not having sex is ok with me and I wouldn’t be upset if my partner needed to look for sex outside the relationship.

[binary suns]

2 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

Yeah, I'm guessing a lot of their sentiment comes from having meh or bad partners,

I worry this is me and I really just want a good experience or something. but then I want to not give it a shot. If I don't want sex I simply won't have a good experience forcing an encounter. and a partner  in this senario might not feel all that into it either

[Libellule]

1. I actually don't know at what point I'd say I started having a sex drive. I doubted I had one for quite some time. When I was younger I thought I wanted sex but mostly because I wanted to relate to what the majority of my friends were doing at that point. And when I eventually did it, it didn't really make any difference. It wasn't really until I met people I felt I really connected with in that sense that I realised I had somewhat of a sex drive within me.

2. For me it's triggered by being with someone I have a connection (not necessarily a romantic one) with and if I feel there's mutual attraction. I wouldn't compare it to the need to eat. If anything, I'd say it's probably more like the need to scratch an itch for me. But as others have mentioned above, it's usually linked to a person I feel attracted to. I've been in a relationship for over a year now but before that there were times where I didn't feel like I was really connecting with anyone. Even when I was going on dates with people. And I didn't really miss having sex at that point either.

3. This kind of goes along with my answer to the previous question. I never felt bothered about not having sex when I was not seeing anyone (and not interested in anyone either). I think what I did miss was the feeling of connecting with someone, the build-up, the mutual attraction...but not so much the act of sex itself. 

[Ceebs]

6 hours ago, Libellule said:

I've been in a relationship for over a year now

Oooh congrats! 😁 Didn't know that. (Maybe you hadn't mentioned it before, I dunno.)

[SpMd]

On 3/17/2024 at 3:29 PM, Frendo said:

When would you say you started to have a sex drive? How was it effected by losing your virginity(I mean like did you want sex more or less, etc.)

1. Honestly, I think I had some version of a sex drive as early as I can remember. To be fair, my parents were hippie, permissive types that allowed me to watch adult media at a very early age. I became obsessed with the female form and any depiction of women brought to orgasm. Then post puberty that desire was multiplied further. Losing my virginity was awkward and weird as I had constructs in my head from all the prior movies/magazines that suggested something smoother and easier. But regardless, it was definitely on my mind every day, particularly through the teen years.

 

On 3/17/2024 at 3:29 PM, Frendo said:

How is it triggered? Does it feel really simular to the need to eat, etc?

2. It’s generally through one of two routes. The first is when seeing something flirty or sexual on TV or through a screen that I find stimulating. The second is more emotional and connection based. In the latter case it might even be someone I didn’t find as attractive before but am now warming up to from engaging conversation or relatability.

 

On 3/17/2024 at 3:29 PM, Frendo said:

How does it feel(for you atleast) to go without sex? Does it negatively effect you? How does it feel to not have those cravings 'satiated'?

3. Interestingly, it’s part of why I’m here. My wife is ace and it seemed I could do without partnered sex for the most part in the cost/benefit calculus… but now I’m not so sure. There is a deeper, darker emotional struggle I’m working through as I’m not sure I can leave my sexuality completely behind. To this question you pose, I found I’m more adaptive than I would’ve expected, but maybe not as adaptive as I’d hope to drop my interest completely off. The longer I go without sex, generally, the more I’m aware of it and the more it has an effect on my baseline mood.

[Frameshift07]

Just wanted to thank yall Allo/Gray/Demi people for giving us a valuable insight into what sexual attraction feels like, and how it led to many of my High friends shagging. 

 

On 3/17/2024 at 11:09 PM, Ceebs said:

On 3/17/2024 at 10:29 PM, Frendo said:

2. How is it triggered? Does it feel really simular to the need to eat, etc?

No, to me it doesn't feel like a need to eat. It feels more like a need to listen to my favourite music in the universe, music that gives me a huge dopamine hit and makes me feel pure joy at being alive. (Edit: I say this as someone who really really really loves music, like it's one of the most important things in the world to me and I wouldn't want to be alive without it. If you're not a huge music person, the analogy might not work.)

I really like this analogy, cause I've tried before to enjoy music with a persistently blocked ear, and if you understand the impact stereo imagery can have on the atmosphere of a piece you'll understand how devastated I was trying to listen to things how I used to. Things felt much flatter, it got harder to judge the panning while doing my Whomixes and if I wanted to really enjoy a piece, I'd have to drag it into my DAW and boost the high frequencies in my right ear. It fixed itself in the end, but it certainly hurt my mood, and I can't help but wonder now that this must be how people towards the Allo side of the spectrum feel when they don't get satisfying sex. Hell, I was preparing to watch an ep of Hazbin Hotel the other week, and I nearly reblocked my ear with a cotton bud which was quite upsetting as it's a music heavy show - so I chose to watch Star Trek instead, and was still a little salty I couldn't enjoy the nice stereo/5.1 upmix of the BD remaster like I could have done. Is that the sort of impact a lack of sex can have on one's behaviour, or has my analogy gone off track?

[Ceebs]

Hrmm, maybe. Really depends on one's relationship with both music and sex and how exactly the desire to engage with them manifests in a particular individual.

 

Speaking only for myself and making no claims about other sexual people or avid music listeners, although sex and music have different roles in my life of course, both are ways I tap into some kind of deeply instinctive joy, a feeling of being alive and present and immersed in a highly emotional sensory experience. Music is more about sound and sex is more about physical touch, but both of them are things I feel throughout my whole body and that flood my brain with happy chemicals and are heavily tied to the strong emotions I feel, whether it's about something in my personal life or the world in general (when it comes to music) or how strongly I feel about another person (love, desire, wanting to be close, and expressing those things through sexual intimacy). 
 

I could tolerate going without sex longer without feeling something was missing from my life than I could without music -- which is not to say one is necessarily more or less important than the other, but just a reflection of how often I engage with either in the first place. I listen to music for hours every day, but certainly don't spend hours having sex (or masturbating) every day. That would be ridiculous. If I went a single day without listening to music, it would feel weird; if I went a couple days without it I would feel disconnected from myself in certain ways and it would be rather disconcerting. It would take me much longer to feel that way about sex, plus it's dependent on many other factors too. Am I single? In an overall happy relationship with someone I'm strongly attracted to? In a boring or mediocre or outright shitty relationship? Are my partner and I generally well-connected in other ways? How old is the relationship? Have we had any conflict lately? What's my mental and physical health like? But a lack of either one -- and specifically the type I enjoy and that holds meaning for me, NOT just any music or any sex with anyone -- will eventually make me feel like I'm missing a type of energy in my life that's part of being alive, and that makes being alive worth it. Things like my depression or feelings of emptiness that I struggle with anyway regardless will worsen. 

 

As I say though, that's me. Other sexual people might engage with and feel differently about sex and have different needs. Some people have no strong connection to music and I've even met people who don't like music at all.

[Bicat]

To me, it feels a bit like being hungry and fantasizing about your favorite food/having a food craving. Sexual and romantic attraction are separate for me. When it comes to casual sex, it's the horny feeling of really wanting a good pizza right now, combined with excitement and cuddles and social interaction. To a certain extent, this can be transactional. I want to feel good, they want to feel good, we share. 

 

When it's love, it's much better. It's the same feelings, but it almost feels like a drug, like being high. I cannot stop thinking about that person, wanting to be close to them,  wanting to melt together with them. Where they touch me, my skin feels on fire. I cannot get enough. It feels like being vibrantly alive. 

 

Not sure if these analogies make any sense lol. It's hard to put hormonal feelings in words.