Advice much needed, the ace demi merry-go-round

[inconsequentialyeeyee]

I think I'm just gonna lay it all out. If anyone has had a similar experience, or even if you think you have some nuggets of knowledge I could use. Please respond.

I am interested in a friend and I think I want to date them. But as far as I'm concerned, they're allo. What I've come to discover is that I'm either ace or demisexual. I believe I'm alloromantic. I believe I like sensual touch, kisses, hugs, holding hands, all that nice stuff, but sex is really something I can't get my head around. I don't think I've ever been sexually attracted to any real (I'll get back to that) person. I'd like to date someone and just generally have someone I can spend my life with, but when I think about having sex, its not really something I find myself gravitating towards, or wanting. I don't understand the need for sex, it makes no sense to me.

However, I MIGHT be demi. I'm kinda open to exploring with someone I trust. Like, testing out what makes me feel ok and what doesn't, and just generally discussing what we'd both need to make a relationship work, or if it'd work at all. Like, maybe it just takes me a while to be in the mood? I'm not really sure. I think I'd be fine if a partner wanted sex, as long as it wasn't constant. Like, once a month might be alright?

And if this were it, I think I'd be a lot less confused... However. I believe I feel sexual attraction to fictional characters, I enjoy characters in shows getting into sexual relationships and I'll read about those scenarios and like reading them. So I'm fictosexual right? Well, I guess so, but being fictosexual seems like you want to be with this fictional character. Which I do not want. I don't like reading self insert stuff, or anything where I'm physically there with the character, I'm just... generally attracted to them? And I like them being with other characters in the show. But I don't personally want to be with them or date them. I still want to date a real person.

So, that's kind of a mess, why do I feel at least some sort of sexual attraction to fictional characters, but only romantic attraction to real people? Is this like a phycological thing? It doesn't distress me, because I still couldn't care less about real sex, but it does make me very confused lol

Anyway, let's say for the time being that I just really like fictional characters, but I still crave emotional and physical connection with a real person (I'm switching topics here). If this is the case, ignoring the fictional character thing for now, how do I know I'll be alright with sex? Should I know? I think I'm pretty neutral but there's a chance I might just nope out at the last minuet. And like, maybe I'm just ok with some sexual acts but not others. Do I just tell this person 'I want to go really slowly, but there's a chance I won't be ok with sex. Is that a deal-breaker for you?'. Like, I don't want to string someone along in the hopes I'll be ok with sex, but maybe I'll be sex neutral.

 

It just sucks because I really just have no idea how I'll react, so I can't really give a straight answer to this person about my sexual needs. I could really use some advice from someone who may have been in the same situation as me. How did you go about this? Any advice would be great. And if anyone's posted something similar to this don't hesitate to send me to that post. I'd just really appreciate some answers and insight.

(I'm so sorry if this is super long :'D)

[Catttt]

You might be aegosexual - I would describe it like generally liking the idea of sex, but not in the real life. Aegosexual people might have sexual fantasies (and I think it is actually common to have these fantasies about fictional characters), but they lack the desire to be part of sexual practises irl. There are multiple threads about it on this forum, so for further info you can check it out. Hope it helped! 

[inconsequentialyeeyee]

hmmm, seems to only encompass some of my feelings. But I really need advice more than a label. I can't seem to find much on here other than 'what is aegosexual?' and 'is this real?' which, doesn't really help. I need advice on how to navigate a romantic relationship with an Allo person, since I still crave a relationship with a real person and I'm unsure how to navigate it with my current uncertainties. but thank you for this anyway <3

[pbandpip]

Hey, thank you so much for sharing.  I hope my two-cents help, but please disregard anything you don't find helpful in this!  As an aro-ace and recently unmasked autistic, we have different experiences but similarities in facing challenges while trying to realize and advocate for what we want and need.  A couple thoughts:

 

1. Don't worry about the labels.  Write down what you do know that you need/want, and write down what you still have to discover about yourself.  Don't worry about labels, just write out what you know clearly and concisely ("I crave real romance.  I feel attraction toward fictional characters.  I don't know how I will feel about sex with a romantic partner.  I'm willing to try.  My partner would need to be okay with that.").

This is a practice I'm working on, because my autism label comes with more questions and misconceptions than it does clarity, so it's actually been a bit of an obstacle in trying to advocate for myself.  But clearly knowing who I am, what I need, and what I'm still learning has helped me.

 

2. Once you have your list of facts you do know - as well as questions you'd like to discover - about your sexuality, you can sort through when and how you want to share those facts with this person, or anyone you'd be interested in dating/pursuing a relationship with in the future.  And it's okay - actually really healthy and good - to be honest about what you don't know yet!  If they're right for you they'll understand and appreciate the honesty, and if they don't you deserve better.

It is ABSOLUTELY okay that you don't know how you'll feel about sex yet.  If someone gives you any shame for that, they're not worth it.  You deserve someone who provides a safe place for you to learn about yourself as you go.  As long as you're honest with someone, you won't be stringing them along because they'll know where you stand and what to expect.

Honestly open communication is key and confidence is key.

 

3. Some label ideas if you do want to pursue that a little more.  The "simple" label choice would probably be gray asexual.  That mixed with "I'm learning about/discovering my sexuality" may help.  Maybe you're aromantic-allosexual with fictional characters and alloromantic-asexual/graysexual/demisexual with real people.  

 

Hopefully something in this might help.  You're doing great, and your courage and honesty in sharing this post is awesome.

[Eutierria]

10 hours ago, inconsequentialyeeyee said:

I believe I like

This bit spoke to me as I have very little experience in comparison to some friends.

 

10 hours ago, inconsequentialyeeyee said:

like sensual touch, kisses, hugs, holding hands, all that nice stuff, but sex is really something I can't get my head around.

I experience this too & it took me time to realise that I'm on the ace-spectrum. I've since identified as demisensual. I don't think I'm demisexual but if I ever get into another romantic relationship, it could develop that way, though I'm not motivated to find out. 

 

10 hours ago, inconsequentialyeeyee said:

However, I MIGHT be demi. I'm kinda open to exploring with someone I trust. Like, testing out what makes me feel ok and what doesn't, and just generally discussing what we'd both need to make a relationship work, or if it'd work at all. Like, maybe it just takes me a while to be in the mood? I'm not really sure. I think I'd be fine if a partner wanted sex, as long as it wasn't constant. Like, once a month might be alright?

You'd have to have a conversation with the person you end up with to see if this would work for both of you. 

 

10 hours ago, inconsequentialyeeyee said:

fictosexual right?

I can't answer this as I don't experience the same - better to wait for someone else who has knowledge/experience in this area to respond.

 

10 hours ago, inconsequentialyeeyee said:

just sucks because I really just have no idea how I'll react, so I can't really give a straight answer to this person about my sexual needs. I could really use some advice from someone who may have been in the same situation as me. How did you go about this? Any advice would be great.

Have open & honest conversations. I used to be partnered with an allo & discussing boundaries will help you figure out compatibility.