Older Teen Asexual Feeling "Left Behind"

[sloanie]

Pretty sure someone's already posted about this but I just feel so left behind sometimes by my peers as an asexual teen. I'm not anti-sex and I do understand some people actually enjoy it but I still feel so boring and childish when my friends all talk about their experiences and troubles with sex and meeting people. I have no "sexcapades" to add to the conversation. It also doesn't help that I look way younger than I really am and my interests generally skew towards the seemingly juvenile (ie. skateboarding). And part of me IS still chasing the youth taken from me by the pandemic. No relationship and the things that I like... I do feel like a "loser" sometimes. 

 

I just keep wondering how I can be perceived as "grown up" without sacrificing who I am, you know? I'm tired of people being shocked when I tell them how old I am. Especially when they're younger and THEY look older. 

 

Also, does anybody else feel like you're almost too queer?? Like, the queer community feels so small already and then you're not even into what's popular in it. Like sex. Or labels can't encompass how you feel, which isn't bad, but you just don't feel like you fit in right even where you're supposed to.

 

I do believe that these issues will fade away for me as I get the freedom to go to the places I want to go and make more friends based on mutual interests instead of to survive being stuck in school together everyday, but it's just starting to feel really tiring. If anyone else reads this and feels the same, we'll get out of whatever boring place we're in soon enough. As corny as it sounds, stay strong.

[Philip027]

I really don't mean to come off as an ass here or anything; this is really just my honest advice.

 

I regard it as a sign of maturity (not necessarily proof of maturity, mind you) when you stop being overly concerned with how mature other people perceive you as, and you just learn to accept yourself as you are and say "tough shit" for anyone else who has a problem with that.

 

1 hour ago, sloanie said:

Also, does anybody else feel like you're almost too queer?? Like, the queer community feels so small already and then you're not even into what's popular in it.

I kinda get what you mean, but I have never really regarded myself as part of the queer "community" despite potentially qualifying as such.  It's too distant to my own experiences as an asexual for me to feel like I belong.  I also think that "queer" is actually a very broad term and I wouldn't regard the community as particularly small.

 

The individual "asexual" identity, though... assuming we're talking about actual asexual people and not just anyone under the sun claiming some sort of weird "ace-spec" microlabel or whatever, now that I would regard as a particularly small group.

[Snao Cone]

It gets better as you age. People don't talk about their sex lives as openly, either because they're in a long term relationship where they're invested in the well-being of their partner and thus are not as inclined to gossip about it (as it's not a "sexcapade" but an intimate private part of their life), or because most of your interaction happens at work where it is generally inappropriate to talk about that.

 

I've also met a lot of asexual people through other parts of the queer community, so not all of those spaces are so sex-focused. And if they are then it's usually more about sexual health than the juicy parts, or at least in environments that are about resources and support instead of a space for hooking up.

 

You will get through school just fine and get a chance to feel more mature in your own way. And maybe at some point you'll look back and realize that a lot of teenagers lie about how much sex they had, and you'll be glad you weren't inclined to do that yourself.

[jesus dario]

When i was 18 years old i was on last year of school never i desired have sex with none of my friends of the school issay i hasn't experienced none desire to have sex or some sexual with my friends of the school there was when a friendgirl said that i'm asexual.

[GRBookworm1818]

I think a lot of it just comes down to the fact that you haven't found your people yet. Anyone who judges you for your interests and sexuality simply isn't meant to be in your life. I've been in a lot of different social circles in my life and eventually found my group, so i promise you it is possible and will happen. I used to judge myself quite harshly and feel like i was behind my peers in some way when i was a teen as well. But when it comes down it you can't be left behind/miss out on something you are not interested in, at least that's how i see it.

 

I think the feeling "too queer" thing will fade as you grow and meet other queer people. The queer community includes all sexual minorities, don't let people online try to convince you that you don't belong just because you are asexual. I have yet to be made to feel like i don't belong in in-person queer spaces, so i wouldn't worry about that. I would try looking up local LGBT alliances in your area, they probably have an ace specific space, i know the one near me does.

 

6 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I regard it as a sign of maturity (not necessarily proof of maturity, mind you) when you stop being overly concerned with how mature other people perceive you as, and you just learn to accept yourself as you are and say "tough shit" for anyone else who has a problem with that.

I completely agree with Philip027 on this one. I tried playing the hide your interests in adulthood game in order to seem more mature and it sucked. If i have to work full time to survive, you better believe I'm going to lean into my more nerdy/ "uncool" interests in my free time. Don't let people pressure you into being just like everyone else just because they are too scared to be who they really are. I have been told that i am weird for just about my entire life thus far (i'm 26) and i see it as a badge of honor at this point because i am being true to myself.

 

I know its easier said then done, as i am still trying to master this, but ya gotta stop comparing yourself to others. We're all on our own timelines.

 

I hope any of this was helpful.

[Mult]

9 hours ago, sloanie said:

 just keep wondering how I can be perceived as "grown up" without sacrificing who I am, you know? I'm tired of people being shocked when I tell them how old I am.

As a 26 year old who looks 16, this doesn't stop. It really doesn't. Some of us just look young, so others treat us based on that assumption. The disinterest in dating or sex is treated as a temporary phase of immaturity based on that perception of age. I'm a plumber but people see me as young first before anything else because that is their first impression of me. 

 

Find an interesting and stimulating job. Get into more hobbies or join communities built around your existing hobbies. You can talk about those aspects of your life rather than sexcapades. Personally no teens in my circle growing up talked about their sexcapades but they did talk about their celebrity crushes and who they would have sex with if they could—something I couldn't relate to either. People in university would drink and party but I wasn't interested in that either. 

 

Honestly a tonne of people in university got back into their childhood comforts; Dragon Ball Z and Neopets stood out to me the most. Lots of people get stressed out and just want to re-enjoy what they made them happy as a kid. It doesn't make you juvenile, just human. 

[red herb]

I'm mid twenties and I used to feel a similar way, as my interests are (still) primarily things like Pokemon, pet sims, etc. I think it does get better, especially if you find the right people as others have said. I'm in a really supportive/nice discord community of about 30 people for a pet sim, and it's helped me a lot to kind of get over the "self cringe" factor. Seeing other people be really passionate about hobbies that are similar or that can also be perceived as 'childish' can help you feel more self assured. If you can't find a community IRL, don't be afraid to seek out smaller online communities for your interests.