Was forced into marriage at the age of 19

[Liyana]

I'm a 20 years old girl from north India and recently realised that I'm asexual. I was forced into marriage at the age of 19 when i wasn't aware of anything but at that time I did told my mom that I'm not interested in relationship and I don't want to get married with anyone but due to emotional blackmail and pressure I had to get married. I thought I was bisexual or lesbian so i started to watch those scene or started to check out others but found no interest in those things or in any gender. After researching alot I came across the word asexual. When i learnt more about asexuality through website and YouTube, I felt like they were talking about me and I actually became happy with this because I wasn't alone and it wasn't a disease. I told my mom and husband about it but they said it's impossible that I'm asexual, everyone is interested in doing those things and there must be treatment for it. I tried to made my husband understand but he kept on saying that i can change and relationship gonna work out. The reason why our marriage relationship is not going to work out is because we are not emotionally connected and Whenever I'm with him, I feel suffocated and depressed. I was verbally forced to do things with him and I cant forget all of it and now I'm having nightmare. I really don't want to hurt anyone and destroy anyone's life. That's more of a reason why I want to get out of the relationship. I want to live my life without being in those relationships and i want him to be happy with someone else. I told him everything but he said that even if we goes into depression and if nothing gonna work out we will stay in relationship for the sake of family's reputation. I do understand him but whats the point being in relationship when both partners are not happy and in love with each other. I  can't end the relationship if he doesnt agree to end it because of panchayat system otherwise i would've already end it because truly it's destroying both of our life. Today I gathered up my courage to speak here and ask for help. 

 

I did took help from therapist but she made me feel worse about myself and i became more miserable and suicidal. If you could help me out, could you please recommend me some therapist that would help me to make my family and husband understand it. They think that I'm faking everything and sex is important. I can't get out of this relationship unless they all agree together. It will mean alot if you can help me out to find a really good therapist who will help me to get out of this complicated situation and i really want to stop being suicidal. Or could you tell me what kind of therapist should I look for?

 

Thank you alot for your time

[Curious Crow]

Hello @Liyana,

 

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Having a supportive family, or something as simple as getting married by choice, is something a lot of people take for granted. 

 

I'm glad you've found that you can relate so well to asexuality and come to accept yourself and that what you feel is valid. 

 

I unfortunately do not know of a therapist or counseling services in North India - but I do know that there are online counseling services. You'll have to do some research about their credibility, effectiveness and so on - but it's an option, albeit a potentially expensive one.

Here is a news article about some; It doesn't account for them being great, but at least they're likely to be credible: https://www.indiatoday.in/information/story/five-best-online-mental-wellness-platforms-to-look-out-for-in-2021-1761288-2021-01-21

 

If you live near a bigger city, you could also consider making a trip to gather more information, though I realize frequent trips may not be possible.

 

Finding a therapist can be a long and difficult journey. Finding one who you can talk to about your sexuality and helping communicate about it to your family is going to be a whole other ball game. I know you already know all this - but stay strong and hold on.

 

If the online counselling services turn out to be infeasible or insufficient for some reason(s), you could consider consulting some NGOs focused on women's rights. I checked through some lists - they may or may not be effective for the current situation, but some of them also provide counseling services. 

 

Here is a list I found:

https://give.do/blog/10-ngos-making-society-equitable-for-women-in-india/

 

I hope you find a way to get yourself through this situation and finally be yourself.

 

Take care.

 

[Destranix]

How about...leaving?

 

You are not understood by family or that peson you got married to. And you are psychical (and maybe even physical?) abused. Law in your country does not seem to help you. So you got plenty of reasons for moving away. (That's probably also even better then suicide by the way.)

 

Not sure though what your possibilities are. Maybe there are some organisations there that may be able to help you?

Internet gives me this:

https://www.oxfamindia.org/blog/five-charities-working-women

https://borgenproject.org/5-organizations-fighting-for-womens-empowerment-in-india/

https://www.superprof.co.in/blog/top-ngos-for-women-in-india/

[Lizzy95]

Hey @Liyana

 

This sounds tough and complicated. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. 

 

I can't recommend any therapists, but also kinda wonder if a therapist could help you in convincing your family (usually that's not part of their job). Perhaps you could look into legal assistance from a local/national feminist organization? You might even look into international organizations who focus on women's rights, in India or worldwide. Sometimes there are shelter-like places where women who want to escape a forced/abusive marriage can go to. You could even look into organizations who advocate for victims of modern slavery/human trafficking, since forced marriages are considered modern slavery by many of these organizations. 

 

Sending care and support,

Lizzy

[cauliSunflower]

Hi Liyana,

 

I'm very, very sorry you're in this situation and you can be very proud to have found the courage to write this post. The others already posted links about NGOs for women's rights and suggested looking for shelters. Leaving the country on your own, if needed even secretly, might seem like a logical solution from here, but I can imagine that in reality that's very difficult, too.

Another possibility for now might be to look for a therapist from another cultural background, probably in another country, too, who offers online video-call sessions? You shouldn't go to a therapist who doesn't genuinely want to help you but makes you feel even worse. If you want to leave this relationship, that is your right as a person (maybe not legally, where you live, but as a human right and in my personal opinion). You could look up english-speaking therapists in Europe or the U.S., maybe even ones who originated from India and therefore have a better understanding of your family system. I could imagine that a not-so-empathic western therapist might basically just tell you to leave your husband and/or the country, since here that would be fairly easy to do (at least legally), without really understanding the actual problems you have.

I would also try to differentiate between getting acute mental support (from a therapist) and getting real-life practical help to get out of this situation (maybe from an NGO, feminist organization, a lawyer, etc.). I'm afraid you can't expect a therapist to tell you exactly what you need to do to get out of this situation. But they might offer you psychological support on the way, so that you feel capable of looking up the other stuff yourself and gather enough strength for it, too.

 

Best of luck and please keep us informed on how it's going for you, if you want!

[Liyana]

2 hours ago, Curious Crow said:

Hello @Liyana,

 

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Having a supportive family, or something as simple as getting married by choice, is something a lot of people take for granted. 

 

I'm glad you've found that you can relate so well to asexuality and come to accept yourself and that what you feel is valid. 

 

I unfortunately do not know of a therapist or counseling services in North India - but I do know that there are online counseling services. You'll have to do some research about their credibility, effectiveness and so on - but it's an option, albeit a potentially expensive one.

Here is a news article about some; It doesn't account for them being great, but at least they're likely to be credible: https://www.indiatoday.in/information/story/five-best-online-mental-wellness-platforms-to-look-out-for-in-2021-1761288-2021-01-21

 

If you live near a bigger city, you could also consider making a trip to gather more information, though I realize frequent trips may not be possible.

 

Finding a therapist can be a long and difficult journey. Finding one who you can talk to about your sexuality and helping communicate about it to your family is going to be a whole other ball game. I know you already know all this - but stay strong and hold on.

 

If the online counselling services turn out to be infeasible or insufficient for some reason(s), you could consider consulting some NGOs focused on women's rights. I checked through some lists - they may or may not be effective for the current situation, but some of them also provide counseling services. 

 

Here is a list I found:

https://give.do/blog/10-ngos-making-society-equitable-for-women-in-india/

 

I hope you find a way to get yourself through this situation and finally be yourself.

 

Take care.

 

Thank you so much 

[Liyana]

4 hours ago, Destranix said:

How about...leaving?

 

You are not understood by family or that peson you got married to. And you are psychical (and maybe even physical?) abused. Law in your country does not seem to help you. So you got plenty of reasons for moving away. (That's probably also even better then suicide by the way.)

 

Not sure though what your possibilities are. Maybe there are some organisations there that may be able to help you?

Internet gives me this:

https://www.oxfamindia.org/blog/five-charities-working-women

https://borgenproject.org/5-organizations-fighting-for-womens-empowerment-in-india/

https://www.superprof.co.in/blog/top-ngos-for-women-in-india/

Thank you for your advice 

[Liyana]

3 hours ago, cauliSunflower said:

Hi Liyana,

 

I'm very, very sorry you're in this situation and you can be very proud to have found the courage to write this post. The others already posted links about NGOs for women's rights and suggested looking for shelters. Leaving the country on your own, if needed even secretly, might seem like a logical solution from here, but I can imagine that in reality that's very difficult, too.

Another possibility for now might be to look for a therapist from another cultural background, probably in another country, too, who offers online video-call sessions? You shouldn't go to a therapist who doesn't genuinely want to help you but makes you feel even worse. If you want to leave this relationship, that is your right as a person (maybe not legally, where you live, but as a human right and in my personal opinion). You could look up english-speaking therapists in Europe or the U.S., maybe even ones who originated from India and therefore have a better understanding of your family system. I could imagine that a not-so-empathic western therapist might basically just tell you to leave your husband and/or the country, since here that would be fairly easy to do (at least legally), without really understanding the actual problems you have.

I would also try to differentiate between getting acute mental support (from a therapist) and getting real-life practical help to get out of this situation (maybe from an NGO, feminist organization, a lawyer, etc.). I'm afraid you can't expect a therapist to tell you exactly what you need to do to get out of this situation. But they might offer you psychological support on the way, so that you feel capable of looking up the other stuff yourself and gather enough strength for it, too.

 

Best of luck and please keep us informed on how it's going for you, if you want!

Thank you so much and I'll inform you 

[uhtred]

Are you able to divorce and leave?  From what you describe, I don't see any way you can be happy in this marriage. Also even if you did give up all sex, then your husband wouldn't be happy. 

 

If you cannot leave is an open marriage a possibility - where he has permission to have sex with other women, but you remain married?

 

I know these are not good options, but its very unlikely you will decide you enjoy sex or he will decide he doesn't need it to be happy.   Asexuality is real and for most people it doesn't change

[Daphnaea]

I'm very sorry that you are in such a difficult situation, and I'm glad you were able to come on here and talk about it. It's too bad that your therapist made things worse, but there are still many therapists who don't understand about asexuality. You might want to try a therapist who specializes in the LGBT+ community, someone who knows about asexuality and understands that it's a real orientation. This article lists some good resources for LGBT+ therapy services.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/best-lgbtq-online-therapy-options/#:~:text=Therapy Tribe is a session,in your state or country.

 

I hope things get better for you soon.

 

 

[thylacine]

I think you just have to get out of this terrible marriage.  That's all.

[Theoryal]

I am so sorry to hear your situation.  I just want to affirm that you are completley valid in not liking sex, you are not faulty or crazy.  You are a worthwhile human being and you deserve respect!  

 

I think what they need to understand - but culturally it my not be seen the same - is that this is an abusive situation.  Any time you're forced to have sex against your will you are being abused.   Agreeing to it only because you are faced with consequences if you don't is not truly agreeing.  I can appreciate commitment to family and think there is value in that, but I think its importance is out of balance when it results in abuse.  

 

A marriage that is not based on love is more like diplomatic cooperation or perhaps similar to a business arrangement, and should have clearly defined duties and privilages that both parties agree to and are capable of.  Socially speaking, what do each of your families get out of this alliance?  What will actually happen to each party if you were divorced?  Often people get caught up in the idea of 'this would be terrible' without taking a moment to look at what the actual results would mean and to consider how they might be able to cope with them.  If you were to continue in this relationship I think it would require that he respects you and accepts that he is not going to be getting sex whenever he wants it.  Depending on how you feel and how respectful and self controlled he is, you may be able to set limitations, such as only having sex when trying to conceive children, and excluding methods or actions that you are especially uncomfortable with.   You should not be the only one making sacrifices and compromises.   He should not expect to have whatever advantages there are to being allied with your family if he is not willing to respect their ambassador (you).  I hope he will choose to be a respectible, honorable person and be willing to work with you rather than selfishly take advantage. 

 

I don't know if it would help them to understand or not, but perhaps you could make a detailed list of exactly what you don't like about sex and why you feel that way.  It definitely sounds like they need to hear from respected sources that interest in sex naturally varies between individuals and that some people naturally fall on the far ends of that spectrum.  Perhaps there are articles or books you could bring to their attention?  

 

I sincerely wish I knew of an organization or therapist where you are that could help.  I agree that you probably need legal help - emotional help will only go so far if the things causing emotional distress are still happening, just as a wound can't heal with the thorn still in it. 😢 I will pray for your wisdom and safety.  

[Liyana]

Thank you so much for your advices and i will take into consideration. Thanks alot

[uzzi]

If this helps you can go for personal consultation with https://drpragatisingh.com/ . Don't know if you already know about her. It helped me but your situation is different.

Wishing you lots of loves ,stay strong, you'll get out of this.

[Ahimsa_Raven]

I am so sorry you're going through this. You are in an unimaginable situation, and you have my deepest sympathies and condolences for your situation. I am not from India, but there are organizations that you may be able to find help from.

 

Shakti Shalini is an organization that helps victims of gender and other crimes. You can call their helpline at: 011-24373737. Their website is: https://shaktishalini.org/

 

The Vandrevala Foundation provides 24/7 support to people in crisis. You can call their helpline at: +91 9999 666 555. Their website is: https://www.vandrevalafoundation.com/free-counseling

 

You can find a list of women's assistance organizations and helplines from the NOMORE Global Directory: https://nomoredirectory.org/india/

 

Naaree has information about counseling and other sources of support available in India: https://www.naaree.com/domestic-violence-helplines-india/

 

I hope this helps you. I wish you strength in moving forward and healing.

 

 

[Elgray]

@Liyana you could check this google docs list to find an Indian therapist that suits your needs (this was shared by a therapist)

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1pzckT6ns2H1IlmwYwJa8EnBh_1u3gRA9cEOoA4zfilc/htmlview#

 

I hope this helps you, wish you loads of strength!!

[Sally]

Others have given you a number of organizations to contact.  That is probably your best way to resolve this horrible situation.  A therapist is not going to help; you know what's wrong, and you know why your parents and your husband are too tied into their culture to even want to understand -- they don't want to cause any talk about the situation.  Please contact one (or two or three) of the organizations which seem to help Indian women get out of this kind of situation, and report back to us.  Do not think any further of suicide; you will be able to find help.  

[Liyana]

On 1/5/2024 at 11:12 AM, Elgray said:

@Liyana you could check this google docs list to find an Indian therapist that suits your needs (this was shared by a therapist)

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1pzckT6ns2H1IlmwYwJa8EnBh_1u3gRA9cEOoA4zfilc/htmlview#

 

I hope this helps you, wish you loads of strength!!

Thank you so much

 

[chrząszcz]

Right now you are in a dangerous situation. Even if you weren't asexual, emotional blackmail and pressure sounds bad.

 

Once you are to safety, you might still act as if there is danger. My understanding is that psychotherapy might help convince you that you really are safe. (Though my personal experience says that psychotherapy itself is pretty dangerous, so I personally wouldn't even try it then.)

 

But you are not at safety yet. It is dangerous to convince yourself that you are safe when you really are not.

 

It would be really great if you could remove the danger. It sounds like that will be quite difficult. Perhaps you can get divorced or agree that your husband can have sex with other people or otherwise compromise; but if emotional blackmail and pressure is what got you married, such compromise sounds unlikely. So maybe you have to move away without telling anyone, and thus without any support. Or maybe even if you do get divorced you need to move away because of your reputation.

 

It sounds like people will be upset with you if you do end the marriage. (Maybe it would be good for them if they would consult psychotherapists.) But what else can you do? Nobody can tolerate it, so it will end somehow, and sooner is likely better. Also, the people you know now may look badly on you for ending the marriage, but you will meet new people who will admire your determination and independence and courage.