The Oddest Friendship You've Ever Heard Of

[Monke Jimmy]

I think I'd consider this friendship... experimental. Also, I don't know whether to put this here or in "Asexual Musings and Rantings." I'm just going to rant about this friendship. 

 

We've known each other for just over two years, started talking a few months later, and have been close friends for about a year now. I think we're each other's best friend. We're at the point where we might be pushing it, though. 

The thing is, she's exactly my type (romantically). I've been wondering for the past year why I haven't been crushing on her. Still, we've done some things that some people would consider as beyond friendship. We've cuddled a couple times. We have nice one-on-one dinners together. We seem to need to see each other many times in a week. One time we laid next to each other in the grass until we almost fell asleep. We also say raunchy things to each other in what I'd call a weird game of chicken (purposely ironic because asexuality). We even play footsies sometimes. I'm pulling some extreme examples so you can get a full picture. 

I know that a lot of people here will see this and think "yeah, that sounds like a unique but valid friendship," but I've still got some concerns. 

 

First of all, what is the difference between this and romance for me? I've never wanted to kiss anyone. The only thing separating this friendship from a romantic partnership is the rate of physical contact and time spent together. That's not a fine line at all, and I'm already pushing it a little. Also, I'm not sure I would do that stuff with another type of person. Would I do that stuff with a guy? Maybe most of it, but not all of it. 

She'll move out of state next year, so eventually our friendship will wane, but it brings me to my next point:

 

What does this mean for my romantic orientation? It kinda feels like if I can't fall in love with someone who I spend a lot of quality time with and who is my type, then I won't be able to fall in love with anyone again (as I have before), in which case there'd be no point in ever dating. Or maybe this is what romantic love looks like to me. Maybe my sense of romantic love is forever diminished to essentially being best friends who do each other's hair, in which case I need to figure out how to find someone who wants a partner who just follows her around like a dog. Or, speaking of dogs, would I feel better about all this if I just had a puppy to take on a walk every day?

These are important questions for me because I go to bed every night wishing for what is probably a rosy version of what romance is looks like to me. I feel lonely so often, and I don't know if I will have any chances to remedy that. That's assuming that my feelings would even be different if I was in the ideal situation. 

 

I'm not asking for any answers for my situation. I just have to draw an arbitrary line somewhere both in my behaviors and in my feelings. I hope this was an interesting read, and if you have any questions (or notice anything that seems very wrong to you), let me know. And if you're wondering about my friend's feelings on all this... you're not privy to that information lol. 

[Slothed]

As a greyromantic what you're describing is very relatable. There's always been that experience of meeting nice women and feeling like I "should" be romantically interested in them because we connect well as friends, but it just isn't there. Just because you don't feel anything for this particular person doesn't mean you can't or won't again for someone else. Love is fickle, not a set of objective rules and criteria (or "type") that you fall for every time and in my one experience it catches you off guard, often with someone you didn't expect at all.

Also, romance looks different for everyone. Like you, my vision of love was influenced by the "rosy" limerent whirlwind Hollywood portrays it as and that's what I thought it had to be my entire life...until I actually experienced it. You can check out some of my old posts and replies for details, but for me romantic love is much duller (though no less beautiful or wonderful) than we see in media and that's perfectly valid. You said you've fallen in love before so maybe you already know your style, but don't beat yourself up if it doesn't look the way the world says it "should" or if you have doubts or uncertainty.

 

I just got out of a long-term friendship with the first and only person I've had true romantic feelings for and we were close enough to make the relationship ambiguous like you and your friend. Now that it's over it's hard to say why I fell for her specifically or how what we had couldn't be replicated platonically too, which gives those same concerns for future romantic relationships. As long as we keep staying social and trying to make friends I'm confident that one day we'll find someone who gives us those feelings again.

 

Anyway, the point is you're not alone. There are others dealing with the same confusion, questions, and worries as well 🙂.

[Czytling]

It sounds to me like an amazing friendship, maybe even verging towards qpr, if not necessarily a romantic relationship. I am somewhere on greyaro spectrum, and also struggle with 'is this all i can experience romantically', but from the few experiences that i actually had - romantic love is characteristic enough that if you feel it, you know you feel it. Even if you can't explain it afterwards. Sometimes its just not meant to be, and you find out years later why, or its the right person but not the right time. But its also possible you are just taking it slow.

 

In my experience the knowledge that a relationship has 'expiry date' can block a lot of feelings from forming, as a subconscious way of protecting yourself from inner harm. (Might be also me-specific issues tho). Your friend may be moving away, but that does not have to mean you lose your relationship with her - planning how to keep it instead of preparing yourself for the 'relationship expiry date' might help some. Also, seems like you are good friends, it would be a shame to lose that, even if nothing more feelings related happens.

 

From other ideas: look into QPRs, that type of relationship is also beautiful and it seems to me most similar of what you are describing, the way you are describing it. At least from your side. Try to let the relationship develop as it develops, and don't force it, enjoy the relationship as it is instead. It's perhaps not the most helpful advice, but overthinking is not going to help much either, even when it is hard to stop. Try to romanticise the small moments instead in your head, in the way you think about them and describe them? Or when experiencing it, try to focus on details, like what color are her hair when the sun hits it just like that, what flowers are there... A lot of the things that are there in ideal romantic relationship you seem to already have, hollywood is just making them way out of proportion. You mentioned laying in the grass together, for so long you nearly fell asleep - that sounds like something out of romantic movie to me. 

 

Besides, as long as you both enjoy your ambiguous relationship, and there is fun, and smiles, and laughter, just appreciate that you have that. Because it sounds like a great thing you have with her, even if you don't define it further (and thats also ok)