Is my relationship doomed?

[catelope32]

I know this is a question that has been touched on quite a bit already, but I’m hoping for any kind of personal advice. A few months ago, me and my girlfriend started dating. She’s somewhere on the grey-ace spectrum (doesn’t experience attraction but wants to have sex occasionally) and I am sexual. Our relationship has been great so far, we started as friends so we are very connected and have a lot in common- but the only issue for me is the lack of desire on her part. I know that it isn’t personal and not something that she is choosing to feel, but sometimes my feelings get hurt irrationally regardless of the fact that I know it’s just her sexuality. I really really like her, and we are so compatible in every way other than sexually- which sometimes makes it feel like we are just in a super close friendship rather than relationship. Now, even when she seems to be in the mood, I can’t feel anything towards her, and will suggest watching a movie or going on a walk instead of messing around. This is making the relationship feel even more like a friendship, but I really like the romantic aspects, like sleeping in bed together, cuddling, kissing, and romantic gestures. I really care about her and I don’t want to lose her from my life or hurt her feelings by breaking it off, but I fear the lack of sexual compatibility might be ruining our relationship. I just feel so stuck because I don’t want to break it off but I don’t want to long term commit to something that lacks one of my fundamental needs for a relationship. I also don’t want an open relationship- it would cause too many issues and probably lead to a break up. I just feel selfish for my sexual needs being such a big priority, and I wish I could stop feeling desire in that way because I just want to be together with no issues. Any advice? 

[thebluestskye]

That's a really tough situation to be in and I'm really sorry you're dealing with that right now and I hope you can get the advice you need here💜 Firstly I do want to say that it is not selfish of you for having your sexual needs be a big priority, everyone has different priorities and different requirements within a relationship and just because one of yours is sexual doesn't make you selfish for having it. Unfortunately this is ultimately up to you and your girlfriend to come to a conclusion on and I would really encourage you to talk to her about this, which I can appreciate will be difficult but it's important to remember this isn't you asking her to change or to not be herself or questioning her sexuality it is making it clear what you want out of a relationship and that isn't selfish since you are reaching out to her and being vulnerable with her because you value your relationship so highly and because you love her. I would recommend you take some time to think about this and maybe even write down what you want to say to make sure you are able to do it in a way that feels right to you and a way that won't be misunderstood. I'm wishing you all the luck in the world on this 💜

[Olallieberry]

6 hours ago, catelope32 said:

sometimes my feelings get hurt irrationally regardless of the fact that I know it’s just her sexuality

It's not irrational at all. These feelings are coming from needs you have which aren't being met. They're real and the situation is real. You're being very rational about recognizing that it's not personal, not something she's doing to you, but that doesn't mean the feelings are fake and need to be ignored.

 

Ignoring feelings or disregarding them is toxic. They're there for a reason. Can you handle them? Or will they eventually blow up your relationship?

 

Rejection hurts. That isn't irrational at all. You're being rejected, at least in this particular regard. Again, you recognize that it's not something she's doing to you, it's just who/how she is, but it's still rejection. And you have to be honest about that that is what's happening.

 

6 hours ago, catelope32 said:

I really really like her, and we are so compatible in every way other than sexually- which sometimes makes it feel like we are just in a super close friendship rather than relationship.

Me too. I've been married for many years, and sexual incompatibility has grown and grown until she finally identified as ace last year. It's literally our only incompatibility. I don't know what the future holds.

 

6 hours ago, catelope32 said:

Now, even when she seems to be in the mood, I can’t feel anything towards her, and will suggest watching a movie or going on a walk instead of messing around.

Same here. Though, she's never "in the mood." But I've stopped participating in the compromise sex we agreed to. It's just so sad and empty and squicky and unexciting and one-sided that I can't go through with it. I feel like you're lucky your partner at least does get the mood sometimes. But, it's not a misery contest. I can completely understand you losing interest in sex with this person because of the incompatibility.

 

6 hours ago, catelope32 said:

I don’t want to long term commit to something that lacks one of my fundamental needs for a relationship. [...] I just feel selfish for my sexual needs being such a big priority

From my point of view, many years into marriage, I'll tell you that you aren't selfish for having these needs and for it being a priority, and that it's going to be far, far easier to decide against this commitment now than it would be after it's already been made.

 

It will not get easier for you. It will only get harder. Be brutally honest with yourself about whether you want to endure this for decades. Be brutally honest with yourself about whether you want to endure worse.

[nanogretchen4]

I think you should break up. It's only been a few months, and it already seems clear that although you are very compatible as friends, you are not really relationship compatible. When a relationship is just not going to work out, dragging it out just causes more suffering for everyone. 

 

You cannot stop feeling desire and you shouldn't try. Your sexual orientation is just as real, valid, and unchangeable as asexuality. Most people are not asexual, and most sexual people are not in incompatible mixed orientation relationships. It is not selfish to look for a relationship partner who has a compatible sexual orientation. That is a very normal thing to want and a very normal thing to have. 

[BeakLove]

On 10/3/2023 at 1:49 PM, catelope32 said:

I just feel so stuck because I don’t want to break it off but I don’t want to long term commit to something that lacks one of my fundamental needs for a relationship.

Imagine how stuck you'll feel if you commit to something that doesn't feel right. 

 

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I just feel selfish for my sexual needs being such a big priority, and I wish I could stop feeling desire in that way because I just want to be together with no issues. Any advice?

The vast majority of people want a sexual connection with their partner.

It's not just about the sex itself. It's an expression of how close and connected you feel to the other person, and a proxy for the strength of the romantic feelings. And it's a mode of connection that's not easily substituted... a walk isn't the same thing. 

 

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This is making the relationship feel even more like a friendship, but I really like the romantic aspects, like sleeping in bed together, cuddling, kissing, and romantic gestures. [...]  I fear the lack of sexual compatibility might be ruining our relationship 

Sometimes, a great friend is not a great partner and it's no one's fault. You haven't failed a moral test if you choose not to continue in a sexually incompatible relationship. Statistically, you're probably straight (forgive me if you're not) - would you date someone of the same sex - to whom you had no attraction?

 

It's never easy letting someone down - someone you have a lot of regard for. That's not a reason nor an excuse to avoid the decision, if it's the right one. Best of luck.

[catelope32]

3 hours ago, BeakLove said:

And it's a mode of connection that's not easily substituted... a walk isn't the same thing. 

I wish it was but alas….. I resonate with quite a bit of this. I think I will sit on this decision, as there isn’t any rush to figure it all out now, but the resounding advice is all very much the same. 

 

3 hours ago, BeakLove said:

Statistically, you're probably straight (forgive me if you're not) - would you date someone of the same sex - to whom you had no attraction?

Statistics have worked against your favor this one time- I am in fact a lesbian (no hard feelings lol) but I think that honestly makes it harder because sapphic relationships tend to have a blurred line with friendship and romance. We will see though.

It is reassuring to know that other people have been there and there isn’t moral wrongness in the way I feel. 

[Sally]

On 10/3/2023 at 9:58 AM, Ollie415 said:

Rejection hurts. That isn't irrational at all. You're being rejected, at least in this particular regard. Again, you recognize that it's not something she's doing to you, it's just who/how she is, but it's still rejection. And you have to be honest about that that is what's happening.

As an asexual, I think calling this rejection is using an unfairly punitive description.  The OP is actually saying that he is avoiding sex because of his feelings, not that his girlfriend is rejecting him.  What it is is incompatibility, and the feelings that such a situation engenders.   

[BeakLove]

5 hours ago, catelope32 said:

I wish it was but alas….. I resonate with quite a bit of this. I think I will sit on this decision, as there isn’t any rush to figure it all out now, but the resounding advice is all very much the same. 

Someone you care about deserves nothing less than a considered decision. The very fact you've come on a place like this seeking advice demonstrates how thoughtful you are being about everything.

 

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Statistics have worked against your favor this one time- I am in fact a lesbian (no hard feelings lol) but I think that honestly makes it harder because sapphic relationships tend to have a blurred line with friendship and romance. We will see though.

It is reassuring to know that other people have been there and there isn’t moral wrongness in the way I feel. 

 

Hah - the danger of assumptions on the internet! But I trust you take the point all the same.

 

You're right burred lines definitely make it harder. It's easy for inertia to set in and the wrong decision to be made by default (in either direction). 

 

I think from what you've described the blurred lines are a natural consequence of how your relationship evolved. That in itself doesn't "doom" things. Naturally, the elements we find appealing in a great best friend we'll find attractive in a great partner, too. It's simply down to whether you truly feel the romantic connection is there to complement it. 

 

It can be so frustrating when something feels like it's 95% perfect, if only for X. Logic almost dictates that you shouldn't "throw away" something that's so nearly perfect for the sake of what seems a comparatively small thing. There's a degree of truth in that - perfect enemy of the good and all that.

 

But. Ultimately, you can't "logic" your way into feeling something (or not), and you can't simply chop out X and put it aside in a box. The element that doesn't sit right will eventually corrode the entire piece unless you genuinely feel it's unimportant enough to affect your feelings about the entire relationship. For the majority of us, a lack of sexual compatibility is going to color our feelings and it simply can't be helped. I'm glad you're reassured it's not a moral failing - that cannot be emphasised enough.