should i inform my sex-repulsed bf that i'm weakly sexually attracted to him?

[Mael]

Hi, I'm demisexual + gray-asexual (meaning, I experience weak sexual attraction to a person I already feel emotionally intimate with). I'm also sex-repulsed but have high libido. My boyfriend is AFAIK completely asexual and sex-repulsed.

 

I am usually repulsed by the idea of engaging in sexual acts, both in theory and in real life. Unfortunately, because I am demi/gray-asexual, I have become sexually attracted to my boyfriend, and I no longer feel repulsed by the idea of engaging in sex acts with him. I get the sense that sometimes certain things that we do together mildly turn me on but are entirely platonic to him. These include hand on thigh, makeout session, spooning, and jokes about or mention of our sexual anatomies.

 

We both firmly do not wish to have a sexual relationship with each other - him due to sex-repulsion, me due to personal choice. I think he is under the impression that my desire to not have a sexual relationship is similarly based in sex-repulsion. With anyone else that would be true, but with him it is not. Due to my grey-aceness, I would be curious for us to try certain sexual things together, but I am not bothered that we don't. I'm also very relieved that he is sex-repulsed because I know if my attraction for him became strong enough and he was open to it, I would eventually override my personal values for sake of trying sexual things out, and I do not want that.

 

If he was receptive to these topics, then maybe I would have requested that we try sexual things together. However, he is clearly uninterested and in the past has become visibly distressed and withdrawn if sexual topics were brought up that involved either of us. The one or two times I did bring up sexual desire to him briefly, early on, his distress was enough for me to never want to mention it again. Also, I feel very uncomfortable and repulsed by the idea of disclosing attraction to a person I deeply care for who clearly does not reciprocate it and does not want to hear about it.

 

The reasons I feel guilty for not informing him of my weak attraction to him and wonder if he deserves to be made aware:

 1) I have started to have sexual fantasies about him anytime my libido spikes. I have never mentioned this to him and never want to.

2) Sometimes we spoon together, which feels mildly sexually arousing to me, but mostly platonic and nonsexual. I think he deserves to know whether the person he is in a vulnerable, intimate position with desires him sexually or not. It may affect how safe he feels and come as a betrayal of trust if I intentionally keep it from him.

 

3) In real life I have never percieved spooning as a gateway to further sexual acts with him, but in my fantasies sometimes I do. Again, not something I have ever mentioned to him in real life or want to.

 

I don't know how to reconcile the way I secretly fantasize about him with the way I strictly platonically/romantically engage with our relationship in real life. Theres also the part about being mildly aroused by him quite frequently but never disclosing it. I don't know what "counts" here as worth mentioning to him or not.

 

Also, it feels a bit unfair for me to have to mention attraction to him when I have my own sex-repulsion to contend with clearly screaming at me to keep my mouth shut. Does his deserving to know override my repulsion with telling him?

 

Even if I never request or act upon it in real life, is it wrong to hide the fact that he is attractive to me in a way he may not know of?

[nanogretchen4]

My opinion is that you should not tell him. 

 

You know he is repulsed to the extent that the conversation would seriously distress him. So that is a good reason not to tell him. 

 

I am not actually hearing any good reasons to tell him. You don't want him to do anything about it, so I don't think he needs to know. I don't fully understand the reasoning that he "deserves" to know so that he can feel unsafe around you or whatever. It really does not sound like he is unsafe around you. How would it benefit him to feel unsafe around you? If you both enjoy spooning, why make that weird for him by telling him it's a sexual turn on for you? 

 

Your fantasies are none of his business. He simply does not need or want to know about them. In this situation sharing sexual fantasies would in and of itself be an unwanted sexual interaction. I think you knew when you got into this relationship that no type of sexual interaction was part of the deal. Therefore, you should control any impulse you may have to tell him about your fantasies and keep your sexuality a strictly private, solo affair for as long as you choose to remain in this relationship.

[Anomaly Q3Xr]

I agree with the above post, I see no reason that you should tell him.

 

It is not wrong to have fantasies that you keep private. As a sex-repulsed person myself, I would rather not know that a partner was aroused or fantasising about me. For me, it would make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Obviously I don't know your boyfriend, that's just my perspective. I'd rather they just not tell me.

 

I don't think he deserves to know. I don't see any reason for him to be unsafe around you by your not telling him, and telling him will likely make him feel uncomfortable and distressed, as you have said that similar talks regarding sexual topics have done so in the past.

[bare_trees]

It sounds like his desire to avoid discussing sexual topics might outweigh any benefit he might get at this point in his life from knowing more about your attraction to him.  There's nothing at all wrong with having and enjoying fantasies about him that you don't share with him.  You're not being deceptive in doing so, just considerate of his boundaries, IMO.

[Mael]

On 9/18/2023 at 8:03 PM, nanogretchen4 said:

 

Thanks for the advice.

I am still concerned about him believing that his partner is entirely asexual when I am not. It seems dishonest.

I don't want to put him into any sort of repulsive feeling. And obviously I have no intention to act on it. But I also wish I could get the message across to him in a safe way that my orientation towards him is not 100% ace.

 

Happy and relieved to hear about fantasies being none of his business, i also think everyone is happier that way.

 

With regards to spooning - I guess I actually don't know if he enjoys it or is just doing it for my benefit, which is probably where the guilt comes from. I have sleep issues and spooning helps with them.

 

In the future I should probably clarify with him if I happen to want to do it just for fun and not in the context of needing to sleep, in case his consent changes.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Spooning is awesome. Though Im a touch-based person.

 

I believe in honesty in a relationship. But I also believe in being able to talk about things at your timing and in a way that feels good to. Just because someone can have weak sexual feelings doesn't mean it means much or they can't respectfully let it go, or wait til there's a good reason to mention things or fantasies. If it's not something there's a reason to mention, then it's not important for now.

 

If it would come up, I'd like to think a partner trusts that it's ok, that their partner would respect how they feel (like being sex-repulsed in this case) and wouldn't be an issue or after time of understanding. You are how you are and there's nothing wrong with that.

[nanogretchen4]

If you described yourself as demisexual + gray-asexual at the beginning of the relationship, your boyfriend had enough information to figure out that you might feel sexual attraction toward him at some point. Unless he asked you to alert him if indeed this predictable development came to pass, you should assume he does not want updates.

 

If you presented yourself as entirely asexual and sex-repulsed at the beginning of the relationship, and have since learned that in fact you are demisexual and gray-asexual, you should come out in the sense of revealing the labels that you use now. Don't get any more personal or specific than that except to answer any direct questions he may ask you. If he does ask questions, that is not your cue to blurt out all of your fantasies and turn-ons involving him. Give only the information he actually asks for.

[Mael]

10 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I believe in honesty in a relationship. But I also believe in being able to talk about things at your timing and in a way that feels good to. Just because someone can have weak sexual feelings doesn't mean it means much or they can't respectfully let it go, or wait til there's a good reason to mention things or fantasies. If it's not something there's a reason to mention, then it's not important for now.

Thank you. This is comforting.

[Mael]

10 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

If you described yourself as demisexual + gray-asexual at the beginning of the relationship, your boyfriend had enough information to figure out that you might feel sexual attraction toward him at some point. Unless he asked you to alert him if indeed this predictable development came to pass, you should assume he does not want updates.

 

If you presented yourself as entirely asexual and sex-repulsed at the beginning of the relationship, and have since learned that in fact you are demisexual and gray-asexual, you should come out in the sense of revealing the labels that you use now. Don't get any more personal or specific than that except to answer any direct questions he may ask you. If he does ask questions, that is not your cue to blurt out all of your fantasies and turn-ons involving him. Give only the information he actually asks for.

Sounds good, thanks for the advice.