Gaaah help please. Asexual ?romantic college student looking for advice

[AncientBrassDragon]

Ok, so, kinda in a panic. I’m a 21 year old college student, cis male. I’m very much asexual, but I don’t know what I am romantic. I’ve don’t think I’ve ever experienced romantic attraction before but I’ve never been not opposed to the idea and I really don’t have models for what romantic attraction in the absence of sexual attraction looks like. Which brings me to my problem.

 

One of my good friends— they describe themselves as female-adjacent (she/they)  and identify Asexual and biromantic— just told me that they like me. I’m flattered, but confused and conflicted. I really like them— I think they’re aesthetically attractive, funny, smart, cool, I trust them a lot, I love spending time with them, if I think about it I feel more for them than I do for pretty much all of my friends— but I don’t know if I’m romantically attracted. I don’t know what romantic attraction looks and feels like, especially without sexual attraction. Maybe what I feel is romance, but ????

 

 And I care about this friend so much, I’m terrified that we will go on a date or start a relationship and I won’t be able to give them what they want in terms of romantic reciprocation. They’ve apparently been trying to hint that they’re into me for a couple weeks now, if not longer, and I just didn’t pick up on it. I’m down to try, and down to figure things out, but *gaaah*
 

has anyone been in this situation? What are some of your reads of it. 

[AncientBrassDragon]

Also, I’ve been doing research because I can’t sleep after that, and I can’t find a definition for romantic attraction that doesn’t basically just sound like “it’s wanting to be near someone and spend time with them and share with them and care about them and trust them” which like… how is that different from just friendship in absence of sexual attraction? I don’t get it. Anyone have any insight? 

[Network_Apparition]

For me, romantic attraction is very much like "Friendship-Times-Ten".
Strictly in terms of romantic orientation, romantic behaviors might include getting them small pick-me-ups or gifts, kissing, cuddling, hand holding, going to activities/events together, cohabitating, etc. Pretty much anything besides sex. 

I would suggest taking a look at the QPR Request Form to help figure out that you do and don't want in your relationship/friendship. It has a handful of romantic behaviors, and of course you can cross off the sex part. And if you don't want to do any of those things, then explain to your friend that you like your friendship the way it is. She has to be responsible for handling a rejection the same way she has to be responsible for putting herself out there. 

The only things that define a relationship is the boundaries of both people and their styles of communication. Regardless of wether or not you use the form, ask her what she is expecting out of a romantic relationship and explain your stance on things as well. 

[Shoro]

I also struggle to understand what romantic means and since I’m in an asexual relationship with another asexual I have tried to pay close attention. My partner is romantic and I’m romantic too but probably on the low end 😊 Either way, a relationship will work just fine as long as you are open about not knowing if you’re romantic and allow your partner the opportunity to give it a try. They may not know if they need it reciprocated. 
 

Romantic stuff?

1. Giving and receiving gifts 

2. Celebrating birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine’s Day 

3. When I hang out with a friend I have an awesome time, but a romantic may instead not just see it as awesome, but fall deeper in love. Time together is another chance to fall in love? Time together has special meaning.

4. Going on dates. Basically gifting events or places. Going for a walk for the purpose of being together, Going to a special occasion restaurant, secretly taking note of your partners interests so you can get them tickets to their favorite event

5. Remembering a place or a song as “our song” , or the place we first met. Being sentimental.
 

I guess if you look at the list above my mom and my partner would do all of these and feel super loved and emotional to be able to do them. They are both romantic types.
 

I would do all of them and be happy to do some of them and others I would feel silly. Some would not be apparent to me if not for observing others…

 

My dad on the other hand wouldn’t do any of these and would learn to do them out of obligation only. He’s not romantic at all lol

 

 

 

[WhiteCatandcherries]

I can just feel an innate difference between how I feel about my friends and people I am in love it. With people I am in love with there is an extra "spark" there and I want to date them and get nervous and excited when i talk to them, but in a good way. I dont think there is any objective difference between "things you would do with your friends" and "things you would do with a romantic partner" instead I think that what matters is intend and romantic feelings. If the people involved feel that it is romantic then it is.

But all that might be as helpful as someone describing sexual attraction to me and saying "you know it when you feel it", so - practical advice: if you think you might like to try dating them even if you are not entirely sure of how you feel about them - or maybe even regardless - can you tell them how you feel about this? That you are unsure if what you feel for them is romantic? That gives them the agency to decide for themselves if they would like to date you still.

[AncientBrassDragon]

I just wanted to post a quick update while I'm on the site: We've been dating for roughly five months now, and it's wonderful. We communicated openly at the very start, and since, we've been slowly figuring things out. I get the romance thing now, I think. There's definitely more there, and I don't know how to describe it still, but when I look into her eyes or hold her hand or when she sends me a picture of the sunrise or we laugh at an inside joke, its just... different. Your post @Shoro helped a lot by just you describing yourself as "romantic, but on the low end" because that's how I feel. There's definitely romance there, and I'm apparently good at it according to her (having to pay so much attention to my own feelings to decipher them helps) but I just process emotions-- especially towards others-- differently I guess. Anyways, my partner and I are both very happy with what we have going. Many thanks to everyone who answered! 

[Shoro]

I’m so happy for you!!  😊