Is this sexual attraction?

[PurplePrincess321]

Hi there!
 

So I’ve got something I’d like to share to hopefully gain some clarity on it, so here it goes. A little embarrassed to disclose, but I’ve made up my mind to just do it anyhow. I recently figured out my asexuality might not be as clean cut as I previously thought it was. Also, I think my situation has made me realize that I’m not only greysexual but also queer??
 

For context, I figured out I’m somewhere on the ace spectrum during the lockdown in 2020; it made me slow down and really think about what I want from my life and why relationships turn out the way they do for me. Then, I moved to a new city in 2022, found out what the split attraction model is, and decided to figure out what my romantic orientation is (rn I think it’s bi but lately I’ve also been considering the possibility that it might be more pan). After that, I slowly began the coming out process with friends and family, and then I met her. I have a crush on a beautiful woman who lives in the same apartment building as me. This crush feels completely different from any other crush I’ve had in my 28 years of life. Every crush up to this point has either turned out to be a squish or been a cisgendered male. I’ve only ever had romantic relationships with the latter as well.

 

She and I met in a pub last year, and I thought the attraction was purely aesthetic at first. She didn’t really speak to me much, but a group of her friends I knew did and after that I just thought ‘wow, she’s really pretty’. Weeks later, I saw her again at the same pub with other friends but it was a super bowl party this time. I would have missed her all together if she hadn’t screamed from across the room as I passed by lol. She’d yelled ‘you’re really pretty’ a couple times. I said thanks and asked her name, she told me, I said it’s very nice to meet you, and went about my business. From the day after onward, I saw her around the building more frequently but every time she’d see me looking she’d stare for a bit and then run away. At first I was confused, but then I began to think that maybe she’d been drunk the night before and so seeing me again might have made her feel embarrassed for all the yelling her friends must have told her she’d been doing lol. Anyway, I felt kind of bad about that. The last thing I wanted was for her to feel scared around me, so I kept thinking about what I could do to reverse it and maybe even become friends somehow. I thought about how I would apologize and assure her that I wasn’t going to make fun of her or something. I passed a flower stand outside one day and immediately thought about buying her flowers…and then holding her hand after giving them to her. The thought caught me so off guard that I literally shook my head and said to myself ‘WTF! Why are you thinking like this? Holding her hand is a bit much for friendship, no?’ Not long after that, a day came where it was just me and her in an apartment elevator, but she was acting differently. She didn’t seem shy or scared anymore, but maybe…interested? (For more context, I can’t always tell when someone is interested in me, so most of this interaction went right over my head initially) I wasn’t sure how to start the conversation and decided to ask how she was and she calmly said she’d been doing fine. I asked her name again and she asked for mine (apparently we’d both forgotten the other’s name by this point haha), and for the whole rest of the ride she kept sweeping her hair behind her ear, fussing with herself, and just seeming like an all together different person than the one who’d been itching to get away from me every chance she got previously. I left the elevator confused again, but the more I thought about it later on that night the more I became sure she must have been flirting with me. I haven’t stopped thinking about her since. 
 

I truly don’t know how allosexuals deal with it because it feels like these thoughts are slowly but surely starting to run my life. I have trouble focusing on work or whatever it is I’m doing now, I stutter when I speak to her or choose to just say hi and walk away quickly, I feel Iike I’ve had to ‘take care of things’ much more often than I deem my normal, and I’m having fantasies that I didn’t even have when I was dating cisgendered males for YEARS! It honestly frustrates me so much sometimes that this crush isn’t going away, but also makes me feel guilty  like I can’t say I’m ace anymore after all that hardwork of coming to accept myself. So I’ve moved on to greysexual, but my question is: does this count as sexual attraction, and does having these feelings for her make me queer?
 

I know these may seem like silly questions, but I truly would like some advice. I don’t really have friends whom I feel the most comfortable with IRL to have this conversation with and I know that it is possible to prefer the same sex and be ace (and some believe that being ace is inherently queer as we are apart of the LGBT+ acronym while others don’t, and other aces can still identify as heteroromantic). I just had no idea prior to these events that this could apply to me. I was in such a state of shock when I realized what might be a double-whammy of discovery (grey-ace and queer) that I’m not sure if she still likes me like that; it’s been months now since we met but I would still like to find out for myself going forward.
 

I hope my story is not too difficult to understand. Thanks in advance for the help! 

[Monke Jimmy]

Most of what you've said is classic crush stuff. Would you mind elaborating whether your fantasies with her involve anything explicitly sexual? 

Also, is there any reason you can't pursue it?

Have you considered looking up ace meetups in your area? There might be someone to talk to there. 

[autumn blink]

Yeah, sounds like classic crush indeed. Instead of being frustrated over the crush though, and seeing it's still early in an ongoing situation, try not to freak out completely about your ace-ness until you have figured out your feelings more. We as humans sometimes find change in ourselves when we least expect it, and if that turns out to be the case here, that's ok! You are still you.  There's nothing that dictates that you have to figure it out right now though, or with this exact person.

Now, do the feelings make you queer? I don't think that's something one can decide on so little information. It sounds likely, but right now there's just not a lot of data. What do you think, if you go by first instinct?

 

Whether you've been experiencing sexual attraction or not is hard to say. If you've been having fantasies that involved her, then it's possible? But such a fresh crush could also over-complicate feelings and make things extra confusing. Seems like you are in a good position to figure things out at your own pace and in a way that you are comfortable with though, so why not do just that?

 

None of your questions sound silly by the way. Truly. Some things might feel trivial, but are somehow very hard to figure out on your own nonetheless. I think sometimes just writing things down can be a good step towards understanding. Hope you find some answers.

 

34 minutes ago, Monke Jimmy said:

Have you considered looking up ace meetups in your area? There might be someone to talk to there. 

This sounds like a good suggestion, I imagine in New York you should have some options in that area

[PurplePrincess321]

4 hours ago, Monke Jimmy said:

Would you mind elaborating whether your fantasies with her involve anything explicitly sexual? 

They do

 

4 hours ago, Monke Jimmy said:

Also, is there any reason you can't pursue it?

It’s not really a can’t and more like a should I bother pursuing it thing. When I moved from home, I made up my mind not to get involved with people so I can focus on getting a job or going back to school; I’ve been really bad at focusing on myself and another person at the same time before. Being into her is messing with that focus. I am also not 100% sure she is even into women, though I know she’s at least an ally and I’ve heard her drop hints before. 

 

4 hours ago, Monke Jimmy said:

Have you considered looking up ace meetups in your area?

I have! I actually just got accepted into the Aces NYC meetup group, but I don’t want to introduce myself with my problems you know? 😅

[Monke Jimmy]

3 minutes ago, PurplePrincess321 said:

I made up my mind not to get involved with people so I can focus on getting a job or going back to school

Have you ever heard advice about surrounding yourself with people? They take up a lot of time, but they are an essential support network. I know I sound like a devil on your shoulder, but why can't she be part of that support for you? Why not give attention to the issue so it doesn't keep eating you up?

 

5 minutes ago, PurplePrincess321 said:

I actually just got accepted into the Aces NYC meetup group, but I don’t want to introduce myself with my problems you know? 😅

I'm glad. I'm sure they would be okay with hearing your problems, too. That's what they're there for. It's kind of part of being a community, having somewhat shared problems. 

 

All I'm saying is, if you look at it the right way, life looks pretty exciting for you right now. It's a journey of exploration, and you're a pro, believe it or not. 

[PurplePrincess321]

4 hours ago, autumn blink said:

Instead of being frustrated over the crush though, and seeing it's still early in an ongoing situation, try not to freak out completely about your ace-ness until you have figured out your feelings more.

Yeahhhh I’m not great at that, but I can try 😂

 

4 hours ago, autumn blink said:

that's ok! You are still you.

Thank you

 

4 hours ago, autumn blink said:

What do you think, if you go by first instinct?

I don’t know..maybe? I honestly never really gave my sexual orientation much thought prior to the lockdowns. Before that, I assumed I was straight because there wasn’t much of anything telling me that I wasn’t and I grew up in a Christian church so if there were any reliable signs I probably would have just suppressed them. This is all very new to me, unfortunately.

 

4 hours ago, autumn blink said:

If you've been having fantasies that involved her, then it's possible?

I have. 

 

4 hours ago, autumn blink said:

But such a fresh crush could also over-complicate feelings and make things extra confusing.

To clarify, when I said months I mean I’ve had a crush on her for close to a year now. I’m not sure if it would count as fresh, but the majority of my feelings for crushes die by now so yeah I’ve been freaking out and feeling hella confused lol! 

 

4 hours ago, autumn blink said:

Seems like you are in a good position to figure things out at your own pace and in a way that you are comfortable with though, so why not do just that?

Yeah maybe you’re right. I like that idea! 

[nanogretchen4]

I know how awkward it can be to come out as one label and then realize that it is not as good a fit as you thought or at least not the whole story. However, it sounds like you have been experiencing pretty strong sexual attraction to a woman for nearly a year. The crush/sexual attraction started before you got to know her, so that doesn't sound demisexual at all. But there's no sense in coming out over and over. Instead of worrying about your labels, try dating and getting some relationship experience. Maybe ten or twenty years from now there will be a sexual orientation label that describes your pattern of sexual and romantic feelings in hindsight, and you can come out then if you feel like it. 

 

In the meantime, it sounds like the woman you have a crush on has been flirting with you really blatantly. Maybe you should invite her to get coffee with you or something, and see what develops. This seems like a great opportunity to get some of that dating and relationship experience that might eventually clarify your orientation.

[autumn blink]

10 hours ago, PurplePrincess321 said:

To clarify, when I said months I mean I’ve had a crush on her for close to a year now. I’m not sure if it would count as fresh, but the majority of my feelings for crushes die by now so yeah I’ve been freaking out and feeling hella confused lol!

I see! Then I guess I agree with the other two.  Approaching her and seeing what happens for a little bit might do you better than trying to avoid the situation altogether. Since it's been going on for this long it does sound like something you might benefit from doing. Coffee or something similar would be a nice low key way to do it for sure. No big commitment there.

Maybe you get a new person in your life, if not a gf kind of thing then a friend. Or you know you've tried and can put the case to rest. I understand wanting to focus on work, but it's not and easy thing to do as long as ones emotions are all over the place, lol ☺️

 

But think on it. Only you decide what is the most important to you, and if that is getting back on track with school/work, that's understandable too.

[autumn blink]

3 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

In the meantime, it sounds like the woman you have a crush on has been flirting with you really blatantly.

*Nods* And I'm not one that are good at hints either...

[PurplePrincess321]

4 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

it sounds like you have been experiencing pretty strong sexual attraction to a woman for nearly a year.

Ohhh…. great *panics a bit again internally* 

 

Thank you for explaining. Honestly, I don’t experience these things very often at all so it’s good to know. To clarify further, the sexual stuff wasn’t immediate; it was more like a slow build to that from aesthetic to romantic and then to sexual attraction. I also feel it in sporadic bursts and at a pretty low intensity, which is why I believe greysexual may fit me better. My attraction is singularly directed toward her, so I still feel nothing but platonic attraction to most other people. 

4 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

The crush/sexual attraction started before you got to know her, so that doesn't sound demisexual at all.

Yeah I was able to eliminate demi from the equation pretty quickly lol

 

4 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

 

In the meantime, it sounds like the woman you have a crush on has been flirting with you really blatantly. Maybe you should invite her to get coffee with you or something, and see what develops. This seems like a great opportunity to get some of that dating and relationship experience that might eventually clarify your orientation.

 

Oh wow ok I am really bad at this 😅

I hear what you’re saying, but honestly I don’t even know if I want to date. I’ve been through some awful situations when I was dating back home so I decided to just be single years ago and I’ve really been liking it. I’d love to figure out my orientation and coffee sounds OK-ish, but I’d hate to bring someone in further than that after really learning to love myself by myself just to experiment. 
 

[PurplePrincess321]

59 minutes ago, autumn blink said:

 

But think on it. Only you decide what is the most important to you, and if that is getting back on track with school/work, that's understandable too.

I will think about it. Is it wrong to say that sometimes I wish I could just turn this part of my brain off so I can get back on track? Lol. That was honestly my first reaction to everything because I want to keep my promise to myself, but at the same time I get what you’re saying about it not being easy when emotions are flying everywhere, and why all of you think I should just try it out to see where it goes. I wish I could just turn my emotions off like my attraction normally seems to, but this time around it’s been especially hard to do. She’s so nice and pretty and talented, and I like the thought of pursuing things, but the action is tougher when everything is so new. I’ve kind of needed a minute to accept my queerness and just take things one day at a time. 

[autumn blink]

Yeah, I find myself wanting an off-button now and again too. If life was only that easy ^^

 

Half-joke, half serious: Have you tried meditation?

[PurplePrincess321]

15 hours ago, autumn blink said:

Half-joke, half serious: Have you tried meditation?

Lol I have but not for this. I haven’t been consistent about it.

[PurplePrincess321]

Hey everyone! So I have an update on this thread/situation: my crush and I became roommates for 2 days by chance for a program we’re both in and now we are friends! 😊It was honestly the best 2 days I’ve had in a long time. Very happy to be making less awkward progress toward being apart of each other’s lives lol and she seems a lot more comfortable around me now, but I’m not sure if I’m feeling positively or negatively about officially being put in the friend zone. Right now, I’m just taking my time and seeing where this goes like you all suggested and it’s feeling better (I’m not so frustrated about having the crush for this long anymore, I’m stuttering less when I speak to her, and we have actual conversations that feel really good, like we’ve both calmed down on this a bit and have reached common ground). Attraction is still going sporadically but in closer and closer intervals everyday if that makes any sense, my ability to concentrate on myself/work is still about the same, and I even had a dream about her! Having a crush is starting to feel really, really good. I will update again if anything meaningful happens. Thank you all for listening to my story so far! 

[autumn blink]

Aw, that's a really great update. Sounds like it has moved in a pretty good direction! I understand your mixed feelings about the friend zone though, but there's also the possibility that your emotions are just in different stages at the moment, and that she might feel more about you with time. Who knows! I think it's good you are taking things as they come for the time being, enjoy your time together  

[PurplePrincess321]

Aaaannndd she’s straight *sighs exasperatedly* …I’m really no good at this crush-having-thing. Crawling into a hole now 😥😶‍🌫️

[Curious Crow]

Hey @PurplePrincess321,

 

I'm sorry, that feeling must suck 

I do think though that it's good you have clarity already (being uncertain is not a great place .. heck no).

 

While it's a crappy feeling to have today, it'll feel better tomorrow 🍀

 

If I may ask, did you ask her? Or did she inadvertently gave you that information?

[PurplePrincess321]

Thank you @Curious CrowI appreciate it.
 

The feeling did suck for a few days before I decided to share, but I am glad to have clarity now as you mentioned. Right now, I just feel silly for maintaining these feelings for so long without knowing, and for freaking out so much. I mean, for a while there, I really thought we had this interesting, flirty vibe between us and that she might like me, too, and now I need to work on getting over my feelings for her. I should have known it couldn’t be true but I guess a part of me kind of wanted it to be. I’m so glad I get crushes so infrequently, but at the same time when I do it’s so frustrating and my feelings get so confusing! 
 

To answer your question, I didn’t ask her. She, another couple friends, and I were having a conversation about types, one of the friends mentioned that my crush is straight, and then my crush confirmed it. Then she proceeded to talk at length about the kind of guy she likes/missing the touch of a man. I felt like ripping my ears off 🫠

[Curious Crow]

1 hour ago, PurplePrincess321 said:

To answer your question, I didn’t ask her. She, another couple friends, and I were having a conversation about types, one of the friends mentioned that my crush is straight, and then my crush confirmed it. Then she proceeded to talk at length about the kind of guy she likes/missing the touch of a man. I felt like ripping my ears off 🫠

Ouch

 

And you shouldn't feel silly - it's understandable. That uncertainty is a two-edged blade - with the fluttering of hope, and the sinking weight of dread - but it's feels so much safer to stay in that uncertainty (I haven't had my first coffee today yet, so, unfiltered romantic sop is what is coming out my brain-to-text)

 

But yes, I'm glad you found out, so you can find a way to move on. 

I truly believe it - you'll find it easier to handle those feelings soon. 

 

Take care ✨

 

[PurplePrincess321]

7 hours ago, Curious Crow said:

but it's feels so much safer to stay in that uncertainty

That’s true. In that uncertainty, I could pretend that what we seemed to have could someday grow into more. Certain signals and things that were happening between us that I mentioned before made things confusing, too, which is probably why I held onto the little bit of hope I felt for so long. I certainly miss when my sexuality seemed more clean cut now 🫤

 

7 hours ago, Curious Crow said:

I haven't had my first coffee today yet, so, unfiltered romantic sop is what is coming out my brain-to-text

Lol it’s OK! I’m a sucker for romantic sop actually. 

[Curious Crow]

32 minutes ago, PurplePrincess321 said:

Lol it’s OK! I’m a sucker for romantic sop actually. 

High five! 🤚🙈🤭