can I still be gray?

[Joalline]

You've probably answered similar questions a million times so thank you for having a look at another one 🙂

 

I'm 35f, bi, and I'm wondering if I'm gray-asexual or how to explain what's going on. I don't prioritise sex in my life. There's at least a dozen things I find more interesting or enjoyable. I often wish sex didn't exist. It would be such a relief. It feels like a chore.

 

But...

I can enjoy the idea of sex, fantasies, sometimes porn. I can even feel sexual attraction to random people. I just don't enjoy the actual activity. My body does, but my mind just goes numb. 

 

Can this still be a form of graysexual even though I can feel sexually attracted to people but don't feel I want the actual act? 

 

I find it negatively affects my relationships.

 

Thanks so much!

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @Joalline🍰

 

It could potentially fit gray for sure. I suppose before my interest in sex went down I felt a lot of what I'm supposed to but sex didn't turn out to be like my ideas and really physical pleasure like it isn't high on my list of things that matter to me, and sex can be boring. For most sexual people though it's also a form of intimacy and a love language so maybe that makes it more interesting to them, I don't really get it though because to me sex isn't a love language (touch/sensuality is, but not sex). I admit I feel it can feel like a chore. I'm good with cuddling :D.

 

One thing I would ask is if you had a partner that understood how you feel, do you think you'd be able to find ways of going about it you'd enjoy more? Really in the end it's more about the desire for it (which can be by itself or also due to how you feel about someone), I think if someone has it and it's still alive, then working with a partner someone can make it more interesting, but someone who doesn't have enough interest might rather share some kind of other intimacy. Just sharing my thoughts but I'm curious what you think about them, and to share more of your thoughts.

[m8476]

2 hours ago, Joalline said:

You've probably answered similar questions a million times so thank you for having a look at another one 🙂

 

I'm 35f, bi, and I'm wondering if I'm gray-asexual or how to explain what's going on. I don't prioritise sex in my life. There's at least a dozen things I find more interesting or enjoyable. I often wish sex didn't exist. It would be such a relief. It feels like a chore.

 

But...

I can enjoy the idea of sex, fantasies, sometimes porn. I can even feel sexual attraction to random people. I just don't enjoy the actual activity. My body does, but my mind just goes numb. 

 

Can this still be a form of graysexual even though I can feel sexually attracted to people but don't feel I want the actual act? 

 

I find it negatively affects my relationships.

 

Thanks so much!

It's great that you are exploring and trying to understand your own sexuality. It's okay to not prioritize sex in your life and to find other things more interesting or enjoyable. However, if you find that your lack of sexual interest is negatively affecting your relationships, it may be helpful to communicate your feelings with your partner(s) and explore ways to meet each other's needs.

[Joalline]

15 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

 

One thing I would ask is if you had a partner that understood how you feel, do you think you'd be able to find ways of going about it you'd enjoy more? Really in the end it's more about the desire for it (which can be by itself or also due to how you feel about someone), I think if someone has it and it's still alive, then working with a partner someone can make it more interesting, but someone who doesn't have enough interest might rather share some kind of other intimacy. Just sharing my thoughts but I'm curious what you think about them, and to share more of your thoughts.

Thanks for your reply Sarah-Sylvia! What you said about love language really resonated with me. I explained it to my partner, the problem is just that it's one of his major love languages and ways to connect deeply, but it's not mine. 

 

It's not boring for me to do it per se, more a bit overwhelming because I want it to be done quickly so I can tick it off the list of things to do for a while. I'm always relieved when I can get back to other things like cuddling.

 

It feels like cooking - I'm not that into cooking, but I'll do it because I get hungry and my body needs nutrients. I'll also cook for my partner because it makes him happy and that's nice. I'm good with simple meals and always the same type of food, but he's really into cooking and wants a lot of variety. He craves food, I just eat it because my body says so. Don't know if that makes sense 😅 If it was up to me we'd do it once or twice a month, if it was up to him once or twice a day.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

6 hours ago, Joalline said:

Thanks for your reply Sarah-Sylvia! What you said about love language really resonated with me. I explained it to my partner, the problem is just that it's one of his major love languages and ways to connect deeply, but it's not mine. 

 

It's not boring for me to do it per se, more a bit overwhelming because I want it to be done quickly so I can tick it off the list of things to do for a while. I'm always relieved when I can get back to other things like cuddling.

 

It feels like cooking - I'm not that into cooking, but I'll do it because I get hungry and my body needs nutrients. I'll also cook for my partner because it makes him happy and that's nice. I'm good with simple meals and always the same type of food, but he's really into cooking and wants a lot of variety. He craves food, I just eat it because my body says so. Don't know if that makes sense 😅 If it was up to me we'd do it once or twice a month, if it was up to him once or twice a day.

Thanks for sharing. With everything you said I would say that it does sound like you're graysexual (gray-ace) to me. I can't tell you what you are but how you feel is very similar to how I do, and id as gray because it's not how regular (allo)sexual people feel. It's unfortunate when there's such a contrast between love languages too.

 

To say a bit from my side, it's even similar for how I could manage having sex once or twice per month and even possibly enjoy some of it though it could start feeling like a chore since I can lose interest, and if I know it's something I'm trying to get done for a partner. My main love language is touch but there's a disconnect when it comes to sex, so it can even sometimes be frustrating if a (sexual) partner feels like having sex when I want to cuddle xD. Sex is just not important to me and doesn't compare to how I feel around love and intimacy in general. It's because of all this that I id as graysexual, because I don't feel I can match being sexual.

 

 

[Joalline]

21 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

To say a bit from my side, it's even similar for how I could manage having sex once or twice per month and even possibly enjoy some of it though it could start feeling like a chore since I can lose interest, and if I know it's something I'm trying to get done for a partner. My main love language is touch but there's a disconnect when it comes to sex, so it can even sometimes be frustrating if a (sexual) partner feels like having sex when I want to cuddle xD. Sex is just not important to me and doesn't compare to how I feel around love and intimacy in general. It's because of all this that I id as graysexual, because I don't feel I can match being sexual.

 

 

Thank you for sharing your experience, I could have written that! It's already  helpful to just know that I experience things differently from allosexuals