Am I too young to be aromantic and how can I be sure?

[Imjusthere]

Hey you guys, I feel dumb just for asking this and wonder if asking this is ok but, I'm a questioning aromantic. I'm not sure if I am, I never really had questioned romance or anything in my earlier childhood and I honestly was just kinda living my best life. I always thought that not having a crush was normal or that it'd happen to me soon. I'm at about 15 and I recently decided to start educating myself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum since I didn't want to offend anyone else later on in life, and one thing specifically stuck out to me: "aromanticism." It clicked with me pretty fast, the definition and the whole idea felt right. I may not have questioned romance earlier on but I know for a fact that I had always been in love with the idea of just having friends and just living my best life without marriage or romance. When I discovered the possibility of me being aromantic I was kinda drawn to it. I had never really liked the idea of kissing or holding hands or stuff like that. I never had a crush, I didn't want a girlfriend or to date in general. I couldn't even define romance if I actually tried. I'm not repulsed by romance (maybe by kissing) but I just don't want it. I've been considering every possibility for over a month now and I'm more confident that I'm aromantic by the day. I've occasionally tried to drop hints to my parents and it's been brushed off mostly. The biggest hole in my suspicions is that, I may literally just be too young to be sure. I don't really know which is why I'm probably going to wait until I'm 17 to be confident enough to come out and tell my parents. I just need to know, how can I be sure that I'm not just too young? I feel tortured inside by being indecisive and it's just frustrating me to not be sure what I feel. I've had multiple instances in the past of rejecting dates or not giving phone numbers (most of those times recent) and I just don't see anyone as romantically attractive. I've rarely ever been asked if I had a crush but when I was asked I just named a random friend and left it there because I wasn't sure. Every time I thought I had a crush was because I had known that person for a while and they were more of a "squish" or I just found that person aesthetically attractive and nothing more. I'm not really sure myself but I just hope I can get some info from you guys.

[Imjusthere]

I’m sorry this was a HUGE rant but I just want other’s opinions.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hey @Imjusthere🍰

 

I tend to think of romantic feelings as coming along earlier, and by 15 I think you'd more or less know. If you're not interested in romance then you don't have to go for it :). You can label yourself or not it's up to you, you can stay open as well for if ever you'd want romance at some point but it sounds like you're just satisfied with friendships.

Crushes aren't necessary to be romantic, it can be just about liking someone and at some point wanting to be closer than friends. If you think you wouldn't want that type of relationship with anyone then using the label might be useful, though a lot of parents don't understand and will probably say things like that you haven't met the right person or things like that, so you might have to be solid enough in yourself and not try not to take it hard if they react that way (if you do want to tell them). You might find more validation with others who understand or your friends.

 

I hope it works out for you :).

[AceArospec]

31 minutes ago, Imjusthere said:

I always thought that not having a crush was normal or that it'd happen to me soon.

 I can relate to this. ☝️ and this. 👇

32 minutes ago, Imjusthere said:

I've rarely ever been asked if I had a crush but when I was asked I just named a random friend and left it there because I wasn't sure. Every time I thought I had a crush was because I had known that person for a while and they were more of a "squish" or I just found that person aesthetically attractive and nothing more.

I've done both. Honestly, I don't think 15ish is too young to feel this. I didn't know the terms (or really anything about the lgbtqia+ community until I was in college) but I felt this way all my life, too. I just didn't have the words to express it clearly or the understanding that it was anything other than just being a "late bloomer" or something along those lines at that age. All of that being said, I do have a friend who didn't experience romantic or sexual attraction until 18- when she was in college, but I think most people who do experience this feel it much earlier.

 

32 minutes ago, Imjusthere said:

I'm not repulsed by romance (maybe by kissing) but I just don't want it. I've been considering every possibility for over a month now and I'm more confident that I'm aromantic by the day.

Not being repulsed by romance for me probably led to me taking longer to figure out my orientation. (I'm actually a(n)egoromantic & enjoy romance in media - that doesn't extend beyond kissing). I'm also not repulsed by friends' relationships - somewhere between neutral/indifferent to being happy for them, but certainly not repulsed by their irl romances. For some of these reasons, I think I just went along with the familys' "it'll happen sooner or later" ideas for longer than I should have. 

 

33 minutes ago, Imjusthere said:

I've occasionally tried to drop hints to my parents and it's been brushed off mostly. The biggest hole in my suspicions is that, I may literally just be too young to be sure. I don't really know which is why I'm probably going to wait until I'm 17 to be confident enough to come out and tell my parents

You mentioned that you educated yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum - how familiar are your parents with this? If they're unfamiliar with aromanticism, do you think that could be part of why they're brushing off your hints? If/when you decide to come out and tell your parents, remember that your feelings and experiences are valid and no one really knows them but you. If you think that they would be open to learning more about it maybe think about sharing some of the sites/videos, etc that helped you learn about your possibly being aro with them - whenever/if ever you do decide to share it with them. There's also no harm in waiting to talk with them about it if you'd prefer. 

[Sak of Potatoes]

I think I was about 15 too when I first learned about asexuality and aromanticism. Now, as someone who's about to turn 20, I still feel like I'm "too young" to be sure. I'm pretty sure I also made plans to come out to my parents when I was "old enough", but I get the feeling that, at least for me, it's less about being "old enough", and more about being "confident enough" in my identity and how I choose to express it. My point is, I really relate to the frustration of not understanding how you feel, and not being able to make a decision. But really, there's no pressure to find a label and commit to it; if aromantic is a label that resonates with you right now, or helps you to understand yourself, then you can absolutely use it with confidence. Maybe one day you will "meet the right person" or "be old enough to understand" as people like to say, and if that happens that is wonderful and you can reevaluate how you feel. But that doesn't invalidate how you feel now, and however you choose to identify yourself, labeled or not, that is just as wonderful and you can take pride in that.

 

Hope this helps!

[Sally]

You're never too young (or too old) to feel what you feel.  But don't firmly stick yourself into a label right now, because you may feel differently in a few years.  

[Imjusthere]

9 hours ago, AceArospec said:

 I can relate to this. ☝️ and this. 👇

I've done both. Honestly, I don't think 15ish is too young to feel this. I didn't know the terms (or really anything about the lgbtqia+ community until I was in college) but I felt this way all my life, too. I just didn't have the words to express it clearly or the understanding that it was anything other than just being a "late bloomer" or something along those lines at that age. All of that being said, I do have a friend who didn't experience romantic or sexual attraction until 18- when she was in college, but I think most people who do experience this feel it much earlier.

 

Not being repulsed by romance for me probably led to me taking longer to figure out my orientation. (I'm actually a(n)egoromantic & enjoy romance in media - that doesn't extend beyond kissing). I'm also not repulsed by friends' relationships - somewhere between neutral/indifferent to being happy for them, but certainly not repulsed by their irl romances. For some of these reasons, I think I just went along with the familys' "it'll happen sooner or later" ideas for longer than I should have. 

 

You mentioned that you educated yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum - how familiar are your parents with this? If they're unfamiliar with aromanticism, do you think that could be part of why they're brushing off your hints? If/when you decide to come out and tell your parents, remember that your feelings and experiences are valid and no one really knows them but you. If you think that they would be open to learning more about it maybe think about sharing some of the sites/videos, etc that helped you learn about your possibly being aro with them - whenever/if ever you do decide to share it with them. There's also no harm in waiting to talk with them about it if you'd prefer. 

I haven’t really told them about research or my concerns yet because I’m not 100% sure how they’d react. I know they definitely wouldn’t get violent or anything, believe I have no doubt in mind they wouldn’t take it badly, but they seem to not have heard much about aromanticism or the LGBTQ spectrum in general. I fully understand that if I don’t tell them what that is and drop hints it’s likely to get brushed aside. I guess I’m sorta just testing the waters. I’ve tried asking for their opinion on those that don’t get married and it’s kinda been unanswered so I don’t know until I actually tell them my concerns. It’s annoyingly hard so far to drop any hints because the more provocative the question the more obvious my concerns become to them. I am going to wait until I’m older to tell them but I will maybe once or twice question them on their beliefs on not dating or marrying just to be sure. 

[Imjusthere]

9 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hey @Imjusthere🍰

 

I tend to think of romantic feelings as coming along earlier, and by 15 I think you'd more or less know. If you're not interested in romance then you don't have to go for it :). You can label yourself or not it's up to you, you can stay open as well for if ever you'd want romance at some point but it sounds like you're just satisfied with friendships.

Crushes aren't necessary to be romantic, it can be just about liking someone and at some point wanting to be closer than friends. If you think you wouldn't want that type of relationship with anyone then using the label might be useful, though a lot of parents don't understand and will probably say things like that you haven't met the right person or things like that, so you might have to be solid enough in yourself and not try not to take it hard if they react that way (if you do want to tell them). You might find more validation with others who understand or your friends.

 

I hope it works out for you :).

I have expressed my concerns with some of my friends at school so far, some can relate and some just haven’t said anything but it’s a nice way to tell people and see their response. I haven’t really ever thought of making friendships anything more than friendships, I guess I just sorta was blissfully unaware of others relationships so that may have been the reason it took me so long to question why I’m not dating. XD

[Imjusthere]

4 hours ago, Sally said:

You're never too young (or too old) to feel what you feel.  But don't firmly stick yourself into a label right now, because you may feel differently in a few years.  

That’s the thing, I’m not completely sure and that’s kinda why I’ve been questioning myself so much recently. I’m not going to stick to a label unless I’m sure. 

[Imjusthere]

5 hours ago, Sak of Potatoes said:

I think I was about 15 too when I first learned about asexuality and aromanticism. Now, as someone who's about to turn 20, I still feel like I'm "too young" to be sure. I'm pretty sure I also made plans to come out to my parents when I was "old enough", but I get the feeling that, at least for me, it's less about being "old enough", and more about being "confident enough" in my identity and how I choose to express it. My point is, I really relate to the frustration of not understanding how you feel, and not being able to make a decision. But really, there's no pressure to find a label and commit to it; if aromantic is a label that resonates with you right now, or helps you to understand yourself, then you can absolutely use it with confidence. Maybe one day you will "meet the right person" or "be old enough to understand" as people like to say, and if that happens that is wonderful and you can reevaluate how you feel. But that doesn't invalidate how you feel now, and however you choose to identify yourself, labeled or not, that is just as wonderful and you can take pride in that.

 

Hope this helps!

Yeah thanks, it did. I guess that my biggest fear is never being sure of myself enough to know. I will try to focus less on “old enough” and more on “confident enough.”

[Monke Jimmy]

15 is about the age when people start recognizing a pattern in who they like. Recognizing if they like someone at all comes at like 10-12 usually. It was 13 for me but that's also when the first signs of puberty really started showing for me. 

Honestly, in my opinion, age doesn't matter. If a 7-year-old kid told me they're ace I'd be like "you're a little young to know exactly what that means, and you'll probably change that later, but okay!" There's nothing wrong with exploring identities. 

[Imjusthere]

Hey guys! I’ve recently got an account here and I just wanted to tell my whole experience to see what you guys think and just to help me evaluate if I’m having some sort of twisted identity crisis or not. 
 

Pretty much all my life I’ve never had a crush or anything, I’m 15 and have never once thought of anyone as anything more than a friend. I don’t like the thought of kissing or anything (that just sounds disgusting) but I’m at the age where I should be wanting that stuff. I haven’t dated, haven’t met anyone, and certainly have no intention of doing so. Romance is some sort of vague thing to me, which is funny considering that 90% of media has some romance in it. I never really minded that I just didn’t want it. Often whenever others were in relationships or had crushes, it had to be EXTREMELY obvious or I would be absolutely clueless. Just in general all I want out of life is just to have friends and a good career, I may live with my friends sorta like roommates but nothing more. I discovered the term “aromantic” when I first decided to educate myself on the whole LGBTQ spectrum a couple of months ago and aromanticism just clicked with me. I haven’t told my parents my concerns because I’m not really sure myself. 
 

When I first discovered aromanticism though, my brain was opened up because I had realized that not loving anyone was apparently abnormal. I’ve spent weeks now in a civil war with my own self trying to be sure if I’m aro or just having a stupid big identity crisis. I’ve considered every possible outcome from being bisexual to in some twisted way just being a stubborn jerk, and everything points back to aromanticism. I haven’t voiced my concerns to my parents yet but I’m gonna wait until I’m 17 to be sure. I’ve honestly been considering trying dating just to see if I experience romantic attraction at all, I just couldn’t do that with anyone at all though, I don’t know what my own emotions are half the time and it frustrates the crap out of me. Do you guys think I may be aro or am I just too young to be sure?

[Monke Jimmy]

Welcome to AVEN! 🍰🎂🍰

 

As was said in another thread, you have time to figure it out. There's nothing wrong with going with a label now and changing it later or just not labeling yourself at all. Don't be afraid to take some back streets on your journey of self-discovery!

 

Also, potentially helpful video: 

Spoiler

 

 

[Imjusthere]

34 minutes ago, Monke Jimmy said:

Welcome to AVEN! 🍰🎂🍰

 

As was said in another thread, you have time to figure it out. There's nothing wrong with going with a label now and changing it later or just not labeling yourself at all. Don't be afraid to take some back streets on your journey of self-discovery!

 

Also, potentially helpful video: 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

Yeah, sorry I was just trying to get as many peoples experiences as possible to kinda cover all my bases. I just wanted to see I guess. 🤷‍♂️

[LeChat]

@Imjusthere (Below is an official, green, mod message.)

 

Hi. Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm just letting you know I've merged your Welcome Lounge thread with your other one in the "Romantic and Aromantic Orientations" forum, since it was a duplicate/similar topic and was a discussion thread, asking a question about aromanticism.

 

In case you might be interested or need it, as a new member, I just thought I'd help let you know that I have links in my signature that are there to help members navigate the site (including the "Welcome Lounge Forum Guide," which helps explain each forum).

 

I hope this helps!

 

LeChat,

Welcome Lounge, Announcements, and Alternate Language moderator

[Imjusthere]

8 hours ago, LeChat said:

@Imjusthere (Below is an official, green, mod message.)

 

Hi. Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm just letting you know I've merged your Welcome Lounge thread with your other one in the "Romantic and Aromantic Orientations" forum, since it was a duplicate/similar topic and was a discussion thread, asking a question about aromanticism.

 

In case you might be interested or need it, as a new member, I just thought I'd help let you know that I have links in my signature that are there to help members navigate the site (including the "Welcome Lounge Forum Guide," which helps explain each forum).

 

I hope this helps!

 

LeChat,

Welcome Lounge, Announcements, and Alternate Language moderator

Thanks!

[LeChat]

@Imjusthere You're welcome!

[Eroell]

On 4/30/2023 at 3:26 PM, Monke Jimmy said:

15 is about the age when people start recognizing a pattern in who they like. Recognizing if they like someone at all comes at like 10-12 usually. It was 13 for me but that's also when the first signs of puberty really started showing for me. 

This depends on the person. I started feeling aesthetic attraction when I was 14, then the need of romantic relationship started, and I had my first crush when I was 15 (most of my friends had when they were about 12-13 lol) And I'm not demi, I can get a crush on someone very fast.

[oops_eddie]

Hi @Imjusthere! Welcome to AVEN! 🍰 I know you've already gotten a few responses but I thought I'd share my experience, too.

No, I don't think 15 is too young to start identifying as aromantic. I began questioning why I was "different" around 14 or 15 for similar reasons and I didn't know that there was such a thing as being aromantic until I was 16-ish (my friend actually introduced me to the idea that I was aro). Now that I'm semi-confident in my aro identity I can look back and see that the signs were there from an even younger age. I vividly remember being in 6th grade and telling my friends "I don't understand why everyone is looking for a boyfriend. We're WAY too young". That mentality followed me throughout high school!

 

I think the most important thing to remember is that it is perfectly okay to "change your mind" (for lack of better words?). There is absolutely nothing wrong with identifying as aromantic now and later deciding that it doesn't suit you anymore. That's how we learn and grow! I'm not saying that you will change your mind but I just wanted to mention this because it was a fear that I used to have.

 

On 4/30/2023 at 4:29 PM, Sak of Potatoes said:

it's less about being "old enough", and more about being "confident enough" in my identity

Also, I agree with the above 👆. I've been contemplating officially coming out to my parents for YEARS but it hasn't happened (I'm almost 21). I've told them that I'm not interested in getting married and I plan to live alone with my millions of rescue dogs lol (and maybe a friend!), but I've never had the "Hello mother and father, I am aromantic" conversation, y'know. It just doesn't feel as important to me anymore.

[A User]

15 yr old here! I totally get you!
 

On 4/29/2023 at 10:02 PM, Imjusthere said:

I never really had questioned romance or anything in my earlier childhood and I honestly was just kinda living my best life. I always thought that not having a crush was normal or that it'd happen to me soon.

 

On 4/29/2023 at 10:02 PM, Imjusthere said:

I've rarely ever been asked if I had a crush but when I was asked I just named a random friend and left it there because I wasn't sure. Every time I thought I had a crush was because I had known that person for a while and they were more of a "squish" or I just found that person aesthetically attractive and nothing more.

i cant 100% relate to the above, and honestly, go with whatever feels right! Labels change as you learn more about yourself, who you love (or don't love lol), and whatnot. I think if you feel attached the aro label, go forth! If something changes, that's ok! Nothing is forever and if it ends up being forever that's cool too!

 

From my experience, people my age are already super deep into romance and people around me are having crushes and stuff, so I suppose 15 is the age of having a crush. Maybe earlier idk, never felt it. 

[Imjusthere]

9 hours ago, oops_eddie said:

Hi @Imjusthere! Welcome to AVEN! 🍰 I know you've already gotten a few responses but I thought I'd share my experience, too.

No, I don't think 15 is too young to start identifying as aromantic. I began questioning why I was "different" around 14 or 15 for similar reasons and I didn't know that there was such a thing as being aromantic until I was 16-ish (my friend actually introduced me to the idea that I was aro). Now that I'm semi-confident in my aro identity I can look back and see that the signs were there from an even younger age. I vividly remember being in 6th grade and telling my friends "I don't understand why everyone is looking for a boyfriend. We're WAY too young". That mentality followed me throughout high school!

 

I think the most important thing to remember is that it is perfectly okay to "change your mind" (for lack of better words?). There is absolutely nothing wrong with identifying as aromantic now and later deciding that it doesn't suit you anymore. That's how we learn and grow! I'm not saying that you will change your mind but I just wanted to mention this because it was a fear that I used to have.

 

Also, I agree with the above 👆. I've been contemplating officially coming out to my parents for YEARS but it hasn't happened (I'm almost 21). I've told them that I'm not interested in getting married and I plan to live alone with my millions of rescue dogs lol (and maybe a friend!), but I've never had the "Hello mother and father, I am aromantic" conversation, y'know. It just doesn't feel as important to me anymore.

Understandable. I mean I want to tell my parents because I know that the older I get the more I’m gonna have to deal with the constant pressure to date and settle down. Besides I don’t think my parents even know what that is and the more people know about this the better, that way others won’t have such a hard time!