VERY interested in trying ace/allo romance with my special someone. Tips on pitfalls and how to avoid them?

[AspieAlly613]

This past week, I asked a woman on a date.  We've been friends for nearly eight years, though only meeting in person for the first year.  (I didn't bring her up when I asked for advice about how to rebalance my romantic safeguards a few weeks ago because I didn't want one particular possible romance to impact the advice I'd get.)

 

I was shocked when she expressed doubts about our compatibility because she's ace.  I had no idea she was ace.  We're trying a QPR to see how we feel, and thus far we feel really, really happy and have been discussing how to make a long-term romance work.

 

I realize that most of the people who have posted here have not had much success with mixed romances.  Here's why I'm more optimistic about our chances:

 

• I know going in that this would be an abstinent romance.
• I always stress-test my potential romantic feelings to try to make sure they're not being propped up by sexual interest.  This is largely why It took so long for me to feel romantic desire towards anyone.

 

She's brightened my entire week thus far, and I feel so fortunate to have her in my life.  I owe it to her to do the best I can to give her no reason to fear the sort of man I may become.  I realize there's only so much advanced planning we can do.  Would it be better for us to sleep in the same bed or not?  How much cuddling/abstinent sensuality would make sense?  Only time will tell and we'd have to see how we each felt.  

 

Any advice on any pitfalls to avoid?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I'm glad you're feeling good about it :D.

 

Honestly it's always individual for how much people enjoy closeness and cuddling and all that. It's also hard to tell before having wants that come up, or what you enjoy together and keeping communication open to see how much someone likes it, especially if it's hard to gauge.  And only you would know how much you enjoy compared to any desires that come up and whether or not you can put it aside. Some people love sleeping in the same bed and others not as much or sleep better on their own or without cuddling. It can also depend on the day, and how hot it is xD.

 

And of course, best to start small, like first if or when you visit, to just spend time together and sleep apart, especially since it sounds like you both want to take it slow.

[AspieAlly613]

1 minute ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

It's also hard to tell before having wants that come up, or what you enjoy together and keeping communication open to see how much someone likes it, especially if it's hard to gauge.

Yeah, I realize there's only so much advanced planning we can do.

[Ceebs]

I know it's not really my business and you don't have to answer, but if you're not asexual, is there a reason you want it to be an abstinent relationship and is that what you're looking for permanently? That's generally where all the problems arise in a mixed relationship (assuming compatibility in all the other important areas). One person wants sex and the other doesn't, and the situation becomes unsustainable in terms of either the sexual person giving up sex and feeling unfulfilled or the asexual person choosing to have sex they're really not interested in having.

 

Also if you've never had sex before, as a sexual person, how certain can you be that that won't change once you're in a relationship with someone you really love? When I'd never had any sexual experience, I wasn't very sexually-driven at all. Sex felt sort of irrelevant to me. Except once I'd developed close enough romantic connections, I realised that I needed sex to be a part of the expression of those feelings and the intimacy we shared.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

@CeebsIt's like 'the' mixed relationship pitfall so I think it does have a place to think about.

[Ceebs]

Yeah that's kinda the sticking point for couples who are otherwise a good match.

 

I just know from personal experience that unlike a lot of other sexual people, I didn't have that drive where I knew I wanted to connect with someone sexually until I was actually in a position where it was a very real possibility, and then I discovered it was just entirely natural to me to want that. I remember peers when I was younger who were eager to get laid essentially, they knew they wanted to experience sex even if they didn't have a partner, even if they'd never been in a situation with someone where sex was on the table as an option. I didn't. I think my brain really needs that real life situation for a lot of things in life in order to determine how I feel about them, whereas sex seemed like something other people were certain about even if it was pretty much an abstract concept for them at the time. I know there are other people who figure things out the way I did, so I guess that's my concern here. Once upon a time I thought I'd be fine in a relationship with my asexual ex since it wasn't innate to him and I thought of myself as someone who didn't find sex particularly important... and then I learned it was and the mismatch became very painful.

[AspieAlly613]

16 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

but if you're not asexual, is there a reason you want it to be an abstinent relationship and is that what you're looking for permanently?

The prospect of "abstinent romance with the most amazing woman in the world for me" s appealing, but not specifically because of the abstinence.  It's appealing because she's so perfect for me and I'm very fortunate to have her in my life.  

 

21 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Also if you've never had sex before, as a sexual person, how certain can you be that that won't change once you're in a relationship with someone you really love?

Yes, that's a risk.  I know the logic "well, it would be no different from all the sex I haven't been having anyway, and his time I'll have the love of my life to make every day sweeter" isn't ironclad.  There's a possibility that I'll find it emotionally painful to be deprived of her loins.  But it is a certainty that I'd find it emotionally painful to be deprived of her love.  If there's any way to make it work (and I'm rather optimistic that there is) then we should do anything we reasonably can to try to avoid pitfalls.

[Ceebs]

7 hours ago, AspieAlly613 said:

There's a possibility that I'll find it emotionally painful to be deprived of her loins.

Now there's a sentence. 😅

 

And ok, fair enough. I admit I've never been in a situation where I was deeply in love with a partner who didn't want sex. I developed a crush on my ex-husband and had feelings for him that were not just platonic, but having now experienced 'deeply in love' with someone else, what I felt for him wasn't the same. It went from crush to strong affection and decent enough compatibility as life partners, but somehow without the intensity of the feelings I've had for other people. I think that's actually what made it seem sustainable longer than it would've been if I'd felt the right things for him. He didn't need to have sex in a relationship and I didn't really need to have sex with him specifically even though I knew I craved that type of connection with someone. But at that point, feeling it briefly once before when I was younger plus initially hoping it would happen with him were basically long-ago memories and I kind of just shut off my own sexuality and figured 'this is how it is'. Platonic life partners. My romantic feelings for him faded, and it seemed ok to not be having sex with someone I didn't desire and wasn't in love with, and we still got along fine otherwise. It took someone else developing feelings for me and a connection forming with them for me to realise what I was desperately missing. (That relationship was missing other things too though, as I eventually learnt -- just not really sexually -- and it was also unsustainable.)

 

Anyway. Yeah, the future doesn't come with guarantees (much as I'd love it to lol; I'm not someone who copes with uncertainty very well). If you think this woman is Your Person and want to try a relationship, that's fair. I guess the only advice I'd have then is that if somewhere down the line, you find that a non-sexual romantic relationship is not enough for you, that's not your fault and it's ok to (hopefully amicably) split up. Live and learn.

 

I get what you mean about it being painful to be deprived of a loving relationship with a specific person, even if there's a mismatch in one area. I've contemplated how I would feel if for some reason my current partner couldn't have sex with me anymore (say, a health issue, an accident that left him disabled, whatever). I am so certain that he's who I want to be with that I would not leave that relationship even if we couldn't have sex. The rest of the connection is too important to me. Although I suppose I also know that if sex wasn't possible for us for a reason like the ones I mentioned, it wouldn't be because he didn't actually desire me. I imagine we would still find ways to express that desire. That's a problem that most sexual-asexual couples seem to come up against -- often it's less about the physical act of sex itself than it is coming to the realisation that the feeling of sexual desire isn't even there for the asexual partner at all. That's the part that hurts the most.

[AspieAlly613]

45 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Anyway. Yeah, the future doesn't come with guarantees. If you think this woman is Your Person and want to try a relationship, that's fair. I guess the only advice I'd have then is that if somewhere down the line, you find that a non-sexual romantic relationship is not enough for you, that's not your fault and it's ok to (hopefully amicably) split up. Live Love and learn.

You're right that the future doesn't come with guarantees.  We'll have to just do what we can to give ourselves the best shot we can, and I'm quite optimistic we can address whatever troubles may lie ahead.

 

 

[Ceebs]

You know what's funny? When I wrote 'live and learn' my phone initially autocorrected it to 'love and learn'. I was proofreading before posting and spotted the error and briefly contemplated leaving it that way.

 

But yep, that's pretty much all you can do in any relationship -- give it the best shot. Be honest with yourself and open with your partner and treat each other's needs and wants with respect.

[Traveler40]

After 5 years on this site as an ally @AspieAlly613, it’s hard to square entering head first into a mixed relationship eyes wide open.  You are one that’s read the misery that can be found here in SPFA in these types of relationships. 

 

Understanding loneliness and the result of compromise with great folks, I can’t help but wonder if your desire to be in a relationship of any kind trumps all for now?
 

Enthusiastically embracing “against nature” and knowing you’re likely setting yourself up (loin deprivation bit) in the long run, strikes me as “settling for good”, not “great”. (best you’ve come across, so it should do sort of thing…)
 

So, before you move forward, eyes wide open and all, perhaps lay out groundwork for how your sexual side may be nourished while a partner to her. Explore all options that might come into play - including how it might look if sex with others becomes the answer in time. 
 

As you well know, there are only “the mixed relationship options” at your disposal. Explore them all in good faith before you move forward is my advice. Now that the proverbial rose colored glasses are on, it’s tougher for you.  
 

Do the math and puzzle it out for best outcomes. That part is your forte. Best of luck!

[Ceebs]

Yeah that kinda reminds me of another question that came up in my mind. If you know you're sexual, doesn't that essentially mean you know you want a sexual relationship? I suspect there may be some well-intentioned optimism precisely because of what I mentioned -- never having had sex before and thus not experiencing the type of intimacy it fosters with someone you love, and coupled with the strength of the feelings you have for this person, you might be thinking it won't matter that much. Love will overcome the differences. But it may not. And going on the experiences of other posters in SPFA, it's statistically unlikely to. Never say never, but be prepared. I can tell you from experience that suppressing your own sexuality not only doesn't really work over the long term, it's actually psychologically damaging. For me, it lead to a lot of shame and self-disgust that took a long time to get rid of.

[Ceebs]

Here are some rather intentionally broad questions for you. What does it mean to you to be a sexual person and how do you know that you're not asexual? (I'm not suggesting you are asexual. And I'm well aware that most people don't start from a point of assuming they're asexual and then figure out they're not.) And how does your sexuality currently manifest in your life as someone who hasn't yet had a sexual experience with another person?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

It is possible to value romance/love much more than sex even for someone (allo)sexual, since sex is differently important to everyone. I mean I don't know what the % of it is for how many people don't feel it as important to the point of needed, and I do think as 'importance' of sex as meaning a lot when it comes to someone's sexuality, ie it's good to know how important it is to someone.

 

One question I could ask extra is how high does it rank in terms of love languages. Like for me sensuality ranks so high that I would not want to be in a relationship if it wasn't on the table, I'm just very cuddly and want to be close :D, so it's like a 10 out of 10 ranking. And then sex doesn't feature as important at all, it's like a 0.1 out of 10 for mattering for something.

[Liara]

For someone who has never had sex before, that's really complicated to judge what importance sex can have for you. When you have had sex before, you know what it can bring to you and so what you left. When you have no experience, you can just imagine... and imagination can be your worst enemy...

[Vorps]

For my money, there is no 'avoiding' the pitfalls of a mixed-orientation relationship.

 

How deep those pitfalls are will depend on the severity of the mismatch. From your post, it seems like abstinence is the charted course from day 1. So if you expect to have any sexual desire at all, you can similarly expect for it to exist unfulfilled for as long as you're in the relationship. (Excepting the ENM option).

 

I think aiming to 'avoid' the pitfalls is perhaps a misaligned goal. I think perhaps you might consider how you're going to navigate them when they appear.

 

You're already miles ahead of a lot of us, having foreknowledge of asexuality and the language and various experiences around it.

 

If you identify as allosexual as it appears to me you do from your post, you can expect to have to deal with those feelings at some point in the relationship. So knowing how you're going to communicate about this is, in my mind, of far greater value than trying to work around the pitfalls. If we could effectively work around the pitfalls, most of us sexual parters in SPFA wouldn't be here.

 

Imo, talk to her now, when the sexual feelings aren't really a factor, and when no part of you is feeling rejected or hurt, as can happen when those feelings surface.

 

You're in an enviable position. Brand new relationship with the asexuality on the table from day 1. She's understood and presented her sexuality as a possible barrier to the relationship, if you haven't done the same, I'd recommend doing so. We arent often asked, as sexuals, to define or understand the relationship between our identity, our sexuality, and our self-worth. Dive deep, and imagine a relationship where you are never sexually desired, and try to see if that's tenable.

 

I agree that it's tough to know eithout experience, and honestly it *may* make it easier. It's hard to say. But generally I wouldn't count on it. Sexuality is ingrained in us, and we notice when its needs are not being met.

 

Best of luck!

[Olallieberry]

You talk about "pitfalls" like there's some behavioral secret which if you can avoid "doing that thing" then you can avoid the negative feelings and repercussions.

 

It just isn't like that. A pitfall is a mistake. The problems in mixed relationships aren't mistakes, they're incompatibilities of needs.

 

So the pitfall is entirely about the decision to knowingly commit to such a relationship in the first place. If it turns out to be a mistake, it was a pitall. If it turns out to not be a mistake, it wasn't.

[AspieAlly613]

5 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Enthusiastically embracing “against nature” and knowing you’re likely setting yourself up (loin deprivation bit) in the long run, strikes me as “settling for good”, not “great”.

Quite the opposite, actually.  While I did recently rebalance my approach to romance to account for the fact that I'm almost 35, many people still think that my self-imposed rules are too restrictive.  The relaxed standards are now that the question "behaviorally, what more could I want from a partnership" is a relevant one.  Previously, I required of myself that we reinvent the wheel and have a complete romance without the aid of sexual desires, all before our first date.  Even most standard alloromantic allosexuals don't have those standards for themselves.

 

I still refuse to surrender to my subconscious and let a sense of achievement or a sense of sexual desire dictate my judgement.  I spent quite a long time deliberating whether my feelings toward my special someone formed the grounds for a good romance.  

[Sarah-Sylvia]

@AspieAlly613Are you ok with never expressing yourself or receiving love/romance/intimacy through sexual means (with the person you love)? I think that's really the big question along what people might be wondering when it comes to the 'big' part of it. After that it should be easy to find smaller things to watch for

[AspieAlly613]

2 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

@AspieAlly613Are you ok with never expressing yourself or receiving love/romance/intimacy through sexual means (with the person you love)? I think that's really the big question along what people might be wondering when it comes to the 'big' part of it. After that it should be easy to find smaller things to watch for

Yes, especially as there's SO MUCH non-sexual stuff I love about her in particular.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

1 minute ago, AspieAlly613 said:

Yes, especially as there's SO MUCH non-sexual stuff I love about her in particular.

I don't think it's about liking sexual stuff about the person, I think it's more about someone's love languages that plays a factor, as in when you like someone non-sexually but how someone will still share their love through sexual intimacy. If sex isn't a strong love language for you and you're satisfied with sharing love and intimacy in other ways then it can work out :).

I think all other 'pitfalls' pale in comparison.

[AspieAlly613]

8 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I don't think it's about liking sexual stuff about the person, I think it's more about someone's love languages that plays a factor, as in when you like someone non-sexually but how someone will still share their love through sexual intimacy. If sex isn't a strong love language for you and you're satisfied with sharing love and intimacy in other ways then it can work out :).

I think all other 'pitfalls' pale in comparison.

Thanks for the input.  (This goes for everyone else who replied as well.)

 

I'm getting a pretty clear picture.  If I were the sort of person to feel like sex was an integral part of what romance means for me...

 

...I never would have joined AVEN in the first place!

[Ceebs]

9 minutes ago, AspieAlly613 said:

Yes, especially as there's SO MUCH non-sexual stuff I love about her in particular.

Everything I love about my partner is the 'non-sexual' stuff that's particular to him. I admit we wouldn't be compatible in a relationship if he was asexual, and our sexual needs and desires are very compatible and that's one thing that makes us work well together, but I don't love him for the sexual stuff. It's stuff about his character that I love, not just that he wants sex, which is why him I want him in particular.

 

Related question: do you feel something for her at all that you would call 'sexual attraction'? (Being fully aware that we can't seem to come to a consensus here on AVEN regarding what sexual attraction actually is lol.)

[Ceebs]

7 minutes ago, AspieAlly613 said:

If I were the sort of person to feel like sex was an integral part of what romance means for me...

 

...I never would have joined AVEN in the first place!

Same, and that's why I'm really cautioning you. I joined AVEN as a 19-year-old with no sexual experience who was confused about sexuality and the role it seemed to play for other people since it didn't seem particularly important to me.

[Liara]

Just to say : in a lot of posts from allo people in mixed relationships, they say their partner is perfect, that they love everything in them, that they share everything with them... Just to add after there is only ONE thing that spoils everything, something they tried to forget because everything else was perfect.

[BeakLove]

18 hours ago, AspieAlly613 said:

She's brightened my entire week thus far

I personally think you should give it longer before you decide. You asked her on a date a few days ago. The biggest pitfall to avoid is rushing into a decision simply because she expressed some doubts.

 

I think the only way you'll get a decent idea is to live the thing for a bit without the pressure of commitment.

 

58 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Related question: do you feel something for her at all that you would call 'sexual attraction'? (Being fully aware that we can't seem to come to a consensus here on AVEN regarding what sexual attraction actually is lol.)

This is important to understand.

[AspieAlly613]

1 hour ago, BeakLove said:

I personally think you should give it longer before you decide. You asked her on a date a few days ago. The biggest pitfall to avoid is rushing into a decision simply because she expressed some doubts.

 

I think the only way you'll get a decent idea is to live the thing for a bit without the pressure of commitment.

Well, yes, that's why we're in a QPR and I'm not about to get down on one knee and propose this week.

[Guest Queerdo]

If you both know what you want, and are willing talk things through as things change, then that's a good start for a relationship. 

[Sally]

Yeah, but the usual difference between a QPR and a romantic relationship is that a QPR lacks romantic love.  When you talk about her, your language practically screams "romantic love."  And QPRS are generally fairly commmitted relationships.  So you've committed in an extremely short period of time.

 

TLDR:  You're rushing it.  

[Ceebs]

Yeah I keep actually forgetting the mention of the QPR aspect, since everything described sounds very stereotypically romantic to me.

 

If you don't want to have sex with her even though you're sexual, and you just have a really close and meaningful bond... can you not just call it a really good friendship? That way you're not locked into some sort of exclusive commitment where you may find that you eventually feel deprived of a sexual element, and she's never going to worry that she's not able to provide something that you would ideally like.