Help in understanding a sexual?

[Guest]

To be clear, I don't know if my wife is asexual or not. In her words: "I just don't need it like you do..." But, since I can't remember the last time we had an intimate encounter, I think it is fairly safe to say that she just isn't into it, regardless of what we call it. 

 

I've come to realize this incompatibility in our relationship needs, and from what I have read, my situation is remarkably similar to many others in that regard. 

 

But where I seem to differ from what I have seen from others, is that my wife seems to find our situation/relationship perfectly normal... She seems to think that I just "want it all the time" and that is the problem. Which I could understand if we had some sort of regular interaction, but we don't. 

 

She doesn't seem to even try to understand my needs or what I feel may be missing from the relationship. I have talked to her about how I feel and she said she wanted to "fix it" and "make it work", but nothing has changed. 

 

Is there a way that others have gotten their partner to see, and even remotely, appreciate the relationship from the sexual's perspective?

 

Thanks. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @blews22
It's actually not that uncommon for someone asexual to not understand how it is for someone sexual, because we all make some assumptions about the world based on our own experience, and some asexuals don't think it's as big as some people or the media makes it out to be, because it just doesn't really make much sense why sex would be that important (from an asexual view).

 

Maybe it would be useful (in her case) to learn about asexuality and how sexual people feel in contrast, but it could mean you end up having even less sex as she realizes that she has her own feelings around it and doesn't have to be 'normal'.  But obviously your feelings matter too. It's just even if you can help her realize, it doesn't mean the sexual incompatibility will change. But I guess you can see where things go and what could work for both of you.

[Olallieberry]

It probably won't take first-person persuasion. There are no magic words the sexual partner can say to show the spouse, "Oh, wow, I see now that what you've been saying all this time is real."

 

I think it would take third party evidence.

 

So, this site.

 

Books like Come As You Are and countless others which credibly represent the sexual needs of most people in most relationships.

 

Credible research statistics about infidelity. Would so many people, including women, do it if expectations of sexlessness in marriage were universal?

 

Divorce law from before the no-fault times when withholding sex was legally considered "abandonment" and grounds for anullment or divorce. People might object to this and say that that's more evidence for coercing sex than evidence for the uncommon-ness of sexless marriages, and they might object to the word "withholding" because it implies entitlement, but I hope they will just take the point as intended and not take it as weaponizing the worst of the patriarchy. I'm not suggesting using this to threaten your wife to have sex with you "or else" and fgs I hope nobody derails this by accusing me of that, I just think it's a point of evidence which demonstrates that sexless marriages aren't as common as your wife's world-view seems to tell her they are.

 

She may never come around and see it your way. I don't know if it matters. My wife does see it my way but it doesn't make her want to do anything differently, because she has her own preferences. Knowing that they don't align with those of the normative majority doesn't mean shit to her - and it shouldn't. They don't to me either, the only thing that's important is knowing that they don't align with mine.

[Olallieberry]

1 minute ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

It's actually not that uncommon for someone asexual to not understand how it is for someone sexual

I agree with this, but to not even have any idea that most married people are not in sexless marriages is rather uncommon.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

4 minutes ago, Ollie415 said:

I agree with this, but to not even have any idea that most married people are not in sexless marriages is rather uncommon.

You think it's most? I know there's quite a few but I wouldn't have thought most, not that I've looked into it.

 

Edit: oh misunderstood

[Olallieberry]

Just now, Sarah-Sylvia said:

You think it's most? I know there's quite a few but I wouldn't have thought most, not that I've looked into it.

Not sure I get what you mean. Are you saying you think most marriages are sexless?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

15 minutes ago, Ollie415 said:

Not sure I get what you mean. Are you saying you think most marriages are sexless?

I had to reread what you said, the double negative threw me off.

 

Edit: Found some info that said about 15% of marriages were sexless. just a random tidbit.

[Guest]

23 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

It's actually not that uncommon for someone asexual to not understand how it is for someone sexual, because we all make some assumptions

Hello, and thanks for your feedback. I don't disagree with what you have indicated at all. In fact, I think you are completely correct that better understanding won't even mean that the incompatibility is fixed... I guess I am just getting her to see me side.  

[Guest]

29 minutes ago, Ollie415 said:

She may never come around and see it your way. 

Thanks for the feedback and I agree, this is a rather helpless, last effort on my part. 

 

I guess I just feel that I have put a lot into trying to make it work, whereas she continues to not see the issue so it is basically my problem. 

 

I figured that if at least of we both recognized the problem, we could make an effort to fix or move on... But if she doesn't even recognize it, then it is all up to me and I am the 'bad guy' which ends up 'leaving the family' just because I didn't 'get it enough'. 

 

I think that is unfair. 

[Olallieberry]

Yeah, it sucks royally.

 

This might be what happens to my own marriage, and I don't even have the "she doesn't understand" factor. She does, and it still kills me that sex might be the thing which does us in. Nothing else is a problem but this.

 

I hate feeling unable to escape the thought of "how shallow does that make me."

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, Ollie415 said:

I hate feeling unable to escape the thought of "how shallow does that make me."

So sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. 

 

I just hate that I am trying, and seemingly she is just happy with the way things are... All while she knows I am not happy and his could be the end. 

 

I don't think that she wants to see the end of the relationship either, but I do wonder if she sees the inevitability as well and perhaps that is part of where she is coming from and why she is responding the way she is?

[Olallieberry]

1 minute ago, blews22 said:

So sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. 

 

I just hate that I am trying, and seemingly she is just happy with the way things are... All while she knows I am not happy and his could be the end. 

 

I don't think that she wants to see the end of the relationship either, but I do wonder if she sees the inevitability as well and perhaps that is part of where she is coming from and why she is responding the way she is?

Ask her.

 

My wife knows I probably can't do this forever. We talked about it and she really closed the door on ENM tonight - not even worth discussing, to her. Last night I wasn't even talking about leaving and she asked if I could stay 5 or 10 years for our son's sake.

 

*curses*

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Ollie415 said:

Ask her.

 

My wife knows I probably can't do this forever. We talked about it and she really closed the door on ENM tonight - not even worth discussing, to her. Last night I wasn't even talking about leaving and she asked if I could stay 5 or 10 years for our son's sake.

 

*curses*

I'm sorry, that's really unfortunate....

 

I realized a while ago that I may be in that 10 year situation that you referred to. 

 

... And that's where I am now, just waiting it out. 

 

I am close...

[Liara]

3 hours ago, Ollie415 said:

My wife knows I probably can't do this forever. We talked about it and she really closed the door on ENM tonight - not even worth discussing, to her. Last night I wasn't even talking about leaving and she asked if I could stay 5 or 10 years for our son's sake.

Hum, I think your son will prefer his parents happy even separated than together and suffering, right? In 5 or 10 years, a lot of resentment could be accumulated and let you hating each other if you force to stay together...
I don't say you MUST break up, just that the excuse of the kids rarely is the best...

[Vorps]

6 hours ago, Ollie415 said:

 

My wife knows I probably can't do this forever. We talked about it and she really closed the door on ENM tonight - not even worth discussing, to her. Last night I wasn't even talking about leaving and she asked if I could stay 5 or 10 years for our son's sake.

Heart's out to you tonight, buddy

[Mountain House]

On 4/10/2023 at 9:31 PM, Ollie415 said:

she asked if I could stay

☹️

[intheshadowoferos]

On 4/10/2023 at 6:56 PM, blews22 said:

To be clear, I don't know if my wife is asexual or not. In her words: "I just don't need it like you do..." But, since I can't remember the last time we had an intimate encounter, I think it is fairly safe to say that she just isn't into it, regardless of what we call it. 

 

I've come to realize this incompatibility in our relationship needs, and from what I have read, my situation is remarkably similar to many others in that regard. 

 

But where I seem to differ from what I have seen from others, is that my wife seems to find our situation/relationship perfectly normal... She seems to think that I just "want it all the time" and that is the problem. Which I could understand if we had some sort of regular interaction, but we don't. 

 

She doesn't seem to even try to understand my needs or what I feel may be missing from the relationship. I have talked to her about how I feel and she said she wanted to "fix it" and "make it work", but nothing has changed. 

 

Is there a way that others have gotten their partner to see, and even remotely, appreciate the relationship from the sexual's perspective?

 

Thanks. 

I understand your perspective, although I never felt like my partner thought I wanted sex frequently or all the time. 
I agree with @Ollie415 that it may help to explore more.
When I introduced my husband to the conversations about how we were mismatched in desire and drive it enabled both of us to learn a great deal about each other.
I hope your exploration helps both of you.

 

(note, I edited this a great deal, and I am sorry if I misstepped your intention for this conversation. It wasn’t my intent. )

Edited April 12, 2023 by intheshadowoferos
Misunderstood

[Olallieberry]

12 minutes ago, intheshadowoferos said:

I agree with @Ollie415 that it may help to explore what asexuality is and isn’t with her. 

I'm surprised anything I said was interpreted that way, because I think it's likely to trigger defensiveness.

 

Unless you meant to say "sexuality" instead of "asexuality?"

 

That's something OP asked for, so, it's about his own business and doesn't involve projecting asexuality onto the wife.

[intheshadowoferos]

You are absolutely correct, thanks for calling me out, I will edit the post, the op reminded me of my own perspective and I went sideways, not intending to. 
sorry, and thanks again

[Olallieberry]

3 minutes ago, intheshadowoferos said:

You are absolutely correct, thanks for calling me out, I will edit the post, the op reminded me of my own perspective and I went sideways, not intending to. 
sorry, and thanks again

heh, don't worry about it.

[Guest]

On 4/11/2023 at 3:56 AM, blews22 said:

To be clear, I don't know if my wife is asexual or not. In her words: "I just don't need it like you do..." But, since I can't remember the last time we had an intimate encounter, I think it is fairly safe to say that she just isn't into it, regardless of what we call it. 

 

I've come to realize this incompatibility in our relationship needs, and from what I have read, my situation is remarkably similar to many others in that regard. 

 

But where I seem to differ from what I have seen from others, is that my wife seems to find our situation/relationship perfectly normal... She seems to think that I just "want it all the time" and that is the problem. Which I could understand if we had some sort of regular interaction, but we don't. 

 

She doesn't seem to even try to understand my needs or what I feel may be missing from the relationship. I have talked to her about how I feel and she said she wanted to "fix it" and "make it work", but nothing has changed. 

 

Is there a way that others have gotten their partner to see, and even remotely, appreciate the relationship from the sexual's perspective?

 

Thanks. 

There are others here whose partner doesn't see. Sometimes it's a gender thing i.e. some women on here think that not desiring sex is the norm and that sexual intimacy is some sort of fabrication. I don't want to generalise, but for a long time women saying no was socially acceptable.

Then again there are illuminated ace women who have prepared their escape route realising that their partner may decide that one day they will go.

It's absolutely not my case as my ace husband is well aware that no sex is not the norm. However, I know that I can't make him feel what I feel and insisting on it would not solve our problem. On the other hand you can't really feel what she does either. What's helped me is realising we have different needs. They don't match, what can we do about it? I.e. can we still be happy together? And if so, how? Easy peasy questions really.

[Olallieberry]

35 minutes ago, Astutusdomina said:

we have different needs. They don't match, what can we do about it? I.e. can we still be happy together? And if so, how? Easy peasy questions really.

Says you

 

No, really, though - can you say more?

 

Is it as easy for your sexual spouse as it is for you?

 

At my house, it's easy for her (ace) but not for me. She's not the one with choices to make, though. Hers are clear.

[Liara]

The only question is simple : is there a situation where both of you would be satisfied?

That's it, nothing else.

But as simple as the question is, the complicated the answer is.

[Guest]

5 hours ago, intheshadowoferos said:

I understand your perspective, although I never felt like my partner thought I wanted sex frequently or all the time. 
I agree with @Ollie415 that it may help to explore more.
When I introduced my husband to the conversations about how we were mismatched in desire and drive it enabled both of us to learn a great deal about each other.
I hope your exploration helps both of you.

 

(note, I edited this a great deal, and I am sorry if I misstepped your intention for this conversation. It wasn’t my intent. )

No problem at all. I appreciate you sharing as I am just looking for any other perspectives at this point that I havent yet considered. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Astutusdomina said:

can we still be happy together? And if so, how?

Agreed. This is what I am trying to determine.

 

But right now it is a single-sided effort, which certainly won't work.

 

So my challenge is just trying to get her to see the problem - without her getting defensive - and then engaging in the discussion.

[Olallieberry]

Just now, blews22 said:

my challenge is just trying to get her to see the problem - without her getting defensive - and then engaging in the discussion.

You can't control her feelings. If she gets defensive, it's her business, not yours.

 

There's not much of any magic formula for saying something to someone in a way which is guaranteed to not set off their triggers. I'm sure you're already doing the very best you can. Just be really clear that you have a problem, that you're not even saying that the problem is her, and that her deflection is unfair.

 

Are you able to do that? Own the problem you have and explicitly reassure her that you don't think it's her fault?

 

That's all you can do. She might believe it and she might not, but there's nothing else you can do.

 

Anyway, I think someone previously brought up nonviolent communication. Maybe it was in this thread or maybe somewhere else, I'm not sure. But it could be worth it to take a time-out on discussing this issue with your wife, and develop your own skill at non-violent communication so that if she gets triggered and reacts with projections, deflections and other defense mechanisms, you can understand what's going on and not escalate the toxicity, and feel confident that you're doing your best and that her problems are her business rather than your fault for triggering them.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Ollie415 said:

Says you

 

No, really, though - can you say more?

 

Is it as easy for your sexual spouse as it is for you?

 

At my house, it's easy for her (ace) but not for me. She's not the one with choices to make, though. Hers are clear.

The unfortunate part here is that status quo is completely acceptable for her. And why not, she is getting everything she needs (her words). 

 

The fact that she can claim she loves me but be happy with a situation that makes me miserable though is difficult to understand. 

 

Could it very simply just be attributed to selfishness???

[Sally]

3 minutes ago, blews22 said:

The unfortunate part here is that status quo is completely acceptable for her. And why not, she is getting everything she needs (her words). 

 

The fact that she can claim she loves me but be happy with a situation that makes me miserable though is difficult to understand. 

 

Could it very simply just be attributed to selfishness???

 

5 minutes ago, blews22 said:

Could it very simply just be attributed to selfishness???

That's not something to ask other people.  If you feel that it does, there are more problems in the relationship than a sexual orientation mismatch.  

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, Ollie415 said:

Own the problem you have and explicitly reassure her that you don't think it's her fault?

Helpful feedback, thanks. 

 

Yes, this is what I have tried to do and explain it is not her fault but just different needs. 

 

And I am taking the break from any communications on it now to give her some time to think on it as well. 

 

Time will tell if she is willing to broach the subject at some point...

[Olallieberry]

One more thought.

 

What are you hoping for, overall, here? What result do you think can come from her understanding your sexuality and your problem with sexual starvation better?

 

It's extremely unlikely it will convince her to provide more.

 

Do you simply want to feel more "seen" if you succeed at opening her eyes to your experience? That seems reasonable.

 

Will it help? Will it help enough?

 

Is there something else you're after?