My husband is Asexual and I don’t know what to do

[Butterfly4217]

Hi, I need help please as I do not know what to do.  I have been married for almost 16 years.  I had no idea my husband was asexual or on the spectrum when I got married as I am a Christian so I waited to have sex until I was married.  There was some signs but I didn’t know anyone that was asexual so I was completely unaware.  After I got married he rarely if ever never initiated sex.  For years I thought I was ugly or not sexy or I wasn’t good in bed.  He never says I’m pretty or sexy or anything.  I’m 5’7” and I weigh 120 lbs.  For years I had no clue and was secretly ashamed when women would talk about husbands not leaving them alone physically.  I knew it wasn’t right but I blamed myself.  I had sex to get pregnant but it wouldn’t go in.  My husband said it was because I am too tight.  His part was not getting hard but said it was me.  I had to have the implanted sperm to get preggo.  Anyways we never have sex and it affects me so much.  We don’t sleep in the same bed because my husband says he sleeps better without me.  My #1 love language is physical touch.  I love my daughter.  She’s 12 now but I feel so unloved.  I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and a counselor suggested it could be my marriage.  I don’t want to get divorced as I don’t want to hurt my daughter but part of me really does because I need love.  

[Mountain House]

Welcome 🙏 

I hope venting helps you feel a little better. Your story fits a common pattern here.

 

You are with friends and you are heard. You are not broken and neither is your husband. (except for the gaslighting) You are incompatible. 

 

Spend some time and read through some posts.

 

It's good you have a therapist. You might consider talking about the shame and guilt this situation has brought on.

 

From here forward is a tough road, but you got this!

[winter solstice 冬至]

Find other ways to express and feel love. Sex might not be the only way.(but I don’t really know how you need it though).

 

Talk to your husband and stop the blaming game.

 

good luck.

[Vorps]

As a follow-up to the previous poster, it's also okay if you discover, in time, that the particular intimacy that sex brings you is irreplaceable. What you need to be happy is just as valid as what your husband needs.

 

Definitely worth checking out the rest of the forum. There are tons of insights and resources spread out through very similar posts.

 

Welcome to a place that will actually understand the challenges you're facing.

[Ceebs]

29 minutes ago, winter solstice 冬至 said:

Find other ways to express and feel love. Sex might not be the only way.

While I know that's probably a well-meaning suggestion, it's unfortunately not a particularly helpful one. Sexual people have many ways we express love, not just through sex. We know it's not the only way. I would find a relationship with someone who only ever showed it via sex to be as unfulfilling and painful as one without any sex. We need other expressions of love too, and share many ways of showing it with asexuals. It's just that unlike asexuals, sex is one of those ways -- and it's not something that has a direct substitute. There's no replacement. Imagine it being like having a partner who never wants to talk to you. That's not a relationship the vast majority of people would be happy in.

 

@Butterfly4217 I'm sorry you're in a position where you're making a post like this, but I'm glad you've found AVEN. Welcome. As @Mountain House said, there are many with similar stories here. I hope you find comfort and support. Depression and anxiety are rough, I know that all too well, having struggled with both since childhood. And I'm really glad you've got a counsellor; I hope that along with AVEN, they're able to help you figure out a way forward from here.

[nanogretchen4]

Your daughter probably has some idea that her parents don't get along as well as other parents. Even if you and your husband don't fight or seem angry with each other around your daughter, she has probably noticed that you don't share a bed. For sure having a depressed and anxious parent is affecting your daughter, possibly more than a divorce would. Additionally, your daughter will be an adult in six years. If she is your only reason for remaining in the marriage, that reason has an expiration date.

[Liara]

I think that your daughter prefers her parents happy even separated than together and depressed...
Your husband doesn't seem very helpful or supportive. And lack of sex doesn't seem to be the only problem your marriage has...

Welcome here. I hope you will find what you need to feel better.

[Philip027]

2 hours ago, Liara said:

I think that your daughter prefers her parents happy even separated than together and depressed...

As a child of divorced parents, yeah, that.

[intheshadowoferos]

Welcome. You don’t mention if your husband wants to work on the relationship or that he is attending sessions with the therapist. Does he identify as asexual? How is your communication on the subject? If he hasn’t learned about asexuality I would suggest you start there. One big piece of the puzzle, at least in my relationship and in coming to terms with all this, was being able to have honest communication about it. 

[Traveler40]

34 minutes ago, intheshadowoferos said:

One big piece of the puzzle, at least in my relationship and in coming to terms with all this, was being able to have honest communication about it. 

This is the biggest missing piece to the puzzle for quite a few in mixed relationships. It’s common for the spouse to not know or not want to know. They don’t own it, won’t discuss it and have zero desire to learn. The shoe doesn’t fit, the label is an insult and the sexual is invalidated a thousand different ways.

 

Their participation, or lack thereof, should have no bearing on how the OP handles it for themself. Whether or not their husband identifies is meaningless. 
 

I agree it can and should be a massive help for those that have ace spouses who engage on this topic and it’s effects on the relationship, but sadly it’s not a reality for many. (Me included)  Don’t let their reluctance deter your discovery, understanding or decisions towards a better life. At the core, while nice, it’s irrelevant.

 

Stick around, read all you can and formulate your life around him or without him. You’ll thank yourself.♥️

[intheshadowoferos]

1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

but sadly it’s not a reality for many. (Me included)  Don’t let their reluctance deter your discovery, understanding or decisions towards a better life. At the core, while nice, it’s irrelevant.

I agree that for many it may not change or begin a dialogue. And, yes! Don’t let anything deter your discovery.

But I never think that communication is irrelevant.

neither my husband nor I had heard much about asexuality. Only after researching it and finding a comfortable way to hold honest conversations (with the help of a knowledgeable therapist)could we begin to rule out where he was and or wasn’t in the asexual spectrum. Through that conversation we found out other things too, like his executive function memory issues, and that he is adhd. 
and, it’s only now that we are finding out what kind of touch he is comfortable with, and it’s more touch than I had gotten in 14yrs. I feel like I found my friend behind that “elephant in the room”, and while I may never have sex again, (my choice to stay monogamous in a relationship without sex) I can tell you that we are defining a healthy relationship on our terms with our unique challenges, and it feels good.

 

and Traveler40, I know you weren’t saying communication was irrelevant, I just want to show another perspective.

😉

[Olallieberry]

20 hours ago, winter solstice 冬至 said:

stop the blaming game.

fgs don’t you kind of see what you’ve just done as the blaming game? This person could really use some welcoming and reassurance right now, not a blunt, insensitive, unsympathetic lecture. I don't see anything in her post which is blamey, she's just saying what's factually happening.

 

If you have advice, there’s a kind way to offer it. I don't see how you can do this finger-pointing while simultaneously evoking "the blame game" yourself.

 

Mine is:

10 hours ago, intheshadowoferos said:

You don’t mention if your husband wants to work on the relationship or that he is attending sessions with the therapist. Does he identify as asexual?

Whether he identifies as asexual or not isn’t very important. It’s probably fine and maybe helpful for you, @Butterfly4217, to regard him as asexual in your mind, knowing what you know about the reality of your sex life with him, but, if he resists being called asexual, it doesn’t matter. You can still talk about the sexless relationship without him adopting a label he might resist.

 

If he doesn’t resist it, great, that will be helpful but it’s his business whether to identify with this label or not. It doesn’t change the situation one way or the other.

 

Welcome to AVEN, I hope you find help here, particularly in the SPFA area.

[nanogretchen4]

You could do all of that work to try to save the marriage if you want to, but I am assuming that after 16 years feeling unloved and unhappy to the point that it has damaged your mental health, maybe you have put enough time into trying to make an unworkable marriage work. I highly recommend prioritizing you own health and happiness. And maybe instead of communicating with your husband about sex it's time to communicate with him about property division and child custody.

[Traveler40]

13 hours ago, intheshadowoferos said:

But I never think that communication is irrelevant.

I understand at the end of your post it’s acknowledged that I didn’t say the quoted bit, but as worded insinuates I did which is inaccurate and totally wrong.

 

Your alternate perspective has zero to do with my point.
 

The anecdote as described hinges on a partner participating in the process of understanding and joining discussion regarding their suspected asexuality.

 

Someone either chooses to participate or not. Period.

 

There’s really nothing to discuss or provide alternate perspective on there. 

 

It is what it is and the OP seems to be in the latter camp based on the minimal bit offered. 

[Guest]

Sixteen years in a marriage without leaving means that there was something to stay for. You stayed despite the hardship despite feeling unloved and lonely.

 

For me, understanding why I stayed/ stay is important. It allows me to move forward with clarity and honesty.

 

Prior to knowing about asexuality, there was blame, suffering, contempt, feeling sorry for myself. Knowledge has helped bury these feelings and it has given me perspecuity to make choices I can live with.

 

I am in a sexless marriage. I choose to stay. I live day by day and cherish what I have, with an open-mind.

 

If I understand your query correctly you're asking whether you should get divorced or not.

Noone can answer that question but you.

 

No matter what choice you make, communicating with your husband is key. Your resolve to leave or stay will help you in closing this chapter in your life.

 

Should you leave you may find your husband will be supportive once it's clear to him what your feelings are. Then again you may decide to stay and negotiate a different marriage than the the one you've had until now.

Then again you may find that he is not open to communication, but you won't know until you've tried.

 

The past can't be undone, nor can you turn an asexual person into a sexual person.

 

If your husband is an ally rather than a foe it'll be easier for you to follow your heart and find your path.

 

 

[Mountain House]

3 hours ago, Astutusdomina said:

Sixteen years in a marriage without leaving means that there was something to stay for.

I rarely feel the need to call out bullshit. What about fear, manipulation, sense of fidelity to some doctrine, or believing it best for their child? So this was the case for you; don't generalize.

 

We have no idea. This is part of @Butterfly4217's journey of self discovery.

 

@Butterfly4217, the marriage does not have precedence over the people in it.

[Guest]

22 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

I rarely feel the need to call out bullshit. What about fear, manipulation, sense of fidelity to some doctrine, or believing it best for their child? So this was the case for you; don't generalize.

 

We have no idea. This is part of @Butterfly4217's journey of self discovery.

 

@Butterfly4217, the marriage does not have precedence over the people in it.

Maybe it was fear, manipulation, fidelity or doctrine.

I did not specify the 'something'. Understanding and having confirmation of the 'someting' can only help the OP find direction.

 

I don't beat about the bush, there was no generalisation to my words, nor insinuation. I'll simply take note that you like to read between the lines.

[intheshadowoferos]

10 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Your alternate perspective has zero to do with my point.

I’m sorry Traveler40, I should have specified they in offering a different perspective I was speaking to the original post, in this case, Butterfly4217. 
 

sorry again.

[Lawrence]

Hi Butterfly,

 

I have been, and am, exactly where you are. I, too, kept the children in mind.  But my ace wife and I, after years of agony, already made our decision. We decided to continue our marriage.

 

I never pushed for separate bedrooms until all the kids were out of the house (and, boy, that made it real hard). I didn’t want to send the message to the kids.

One of the things I continue to struggle with is that our sex is completely determined by her….when, where, how, etc. and the fact that it is completely one sided.  She does so out of love…. but she “services” me.  All romance, anticipation, excitement, feelings of unity and passion, mutual giving and receiving, “after-glow” feelings, etc. are all absent. In fact, I now tend to get quite nervous and my anxiety rises as she starts. And often I feel guilty afterward.

But, I suppose, what she can provide is better than nothing.

 

Some things may get better as you work it through with your husband, but you will have to resign to the fact that what you thought, expected and dreamed about for an intimate/romantic relationship with your husband….will likely never occur.

 

 

 

[Traveler40]

21 hours ago, intheshadowoferos said:

I’m sorry Traveler40, I should have specified they in offering a different perspective I was speaking to the original post, in this case, Butterfly4217. 
 

sorry again.

No worries - classic misunderstandings happen. 
 

Frankly, I was irked by the response as I tend towards accuracy, so I went back and reread what I’d written that prompted such a response as I know you’re both level and caring. I think it was this:

 

On 3/25/2023 at 7:46 AM, Traveler40 said:

At the core, while nice, it’s irrelevant.

I see now that although you quoted an alternate bit, you were likely explaining feelings stirred by this part in my post so illustrated that a partner who communicates is relevant.
 

Anyhow, got it now. I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. I both enjoy your voice and don’t want to deter that.

 

Thanks and keep on keeping on. It must be wonderful to have a partner that gets real about this issue which so impacts our lives. 🥰

[intheshadowoferos]

3 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Thanks and keep on keeping on. It must be wonderful to have a partner that gets real about this issue which so impacts our lives. 🥰

I enjoy your voice as well. I appreciate that no two lives are impacted the same. 
And, that no two approaches to mixed relationship issues are not the same either.

I haven’t gotten to the wonderful part yet. For me It takes moxie, I never had moxie before, and shied away from starting difficult conversations because I didn’t have a way to fix our issues, and felt invisible in his world. 
With his memory issues it can feel like a scene from 50 First Dates. But when we make it through the notes we have made, the reminders we have written, and he isn’t too spent from all of that, yes, he and I can have an honest and raw conversation about us, and it might end in a long embrace and a kiss.

☮️

[Butterfly4217]

On 3/25/2023 at 7:01 AM, intheshadowoferos said:

Welcome. You don’t mention if your husband wants to work on the relationship or that he is attending sessions with the therapist. Does he identify as asexual? How is your communication on the subject? If he hasn’t learned about asexuality I would suggest you start there. One big piece of the puzzle, at least in my relationship and in coming to terms with all this, was being able to have honest communication about it. 

He doesn’t want to talk about it.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

3 minutes ago, Butterfly4217 said:

He doesn’t want to talk about it.

Is talking about important things on the table in your relationship?

[Ceebs]

8 minutes ago, Butterfly4217 said:

He doesn’t want to talk about it.

That right there is a huge problem. Actually a bigger and more telling and concerning one than the specific issue of his sexuality and your shared sex life. He owes you communication in a marriage, even if he doesn't owe you sex. When someone won't talk, they're unilaterally deciding that's the end of the issue. That's a bad position for you to be in and doesn't model a healthy relationship for your daughter.

[Butterfly4217]

28 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Is talking about important things on the table in your relationship?

He refuses to accept it and if I ever bring up anything he gets angry.  He then states we’ve already been over this.  I’ve have been to counseling for years without him there.  

[Butterfly4217]

19 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

That right there is a huge problem. Actually a bigger and more telling and concerning one than the specific issue of his sexuality and your shared sex life. He owes you communication in a marriage, even if he doesn't owe you sex. When someone won't talk, they're unilaterally deciding that's the end of the issue. That's a bad position for you to be in and doesn't model a healthy relationship for your daughter.

We can’t talk about anything real just the weather, day to day transactional communication, work related communication.  When I try to bring anything up he gets angry and somehow I shut down feeling guilty for trying to bring something up.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

3 minutes ago, Butterfly4217 said:

He refuses to accept it and if I ever bring up anything he gets angry.  He then states we’ve already been over this.  I’ve have been to counseling for years without him there.  

Ok. Is it the same reaction if you talk about it in terms of sharing how it matters to you and affects how you feel in the relationship? (and that it makes you sad, or whatever you feel)

Because it's his business how he sees his sexuality, but your feelings still matter, and people in a relationship should be able to talk about their feelings together if something's the matter.
If it's hard or you can't talk about these things, it's a big barrier to making progress together.

[Ceebs]

1 minute ago, Butterfly4217 said:

When I try to bring anything up he gets angry and somehow I shut down feeling guilty for trying to bring something up.

Very sincerely, I think your daughter needs you to leave this relationship. With an atmosphere like this, you won't be hurting her by separating/divorcing; quite the opposite.

 

Of course that's on top of the fact that you need to do it for yourself as well. I'm so sorry you're in this position. It's no wonder you're struggling with depression and anxiety. Someone behaving the way your husband is kind of just makes you feel beat down over and over again until you're exhausted.

[Liara]

A relationship needs 2 people to work. If only one of them tries to do something, that's impossible.

He doesn't want to work on your relationship. He doesn't want to listen to you. He doesn't care about you and your feelings.

Sadly, I think you already know what it means...

[intheshadowoferos]

14 hours ago, Butterfly4217 said:

He doesn’t want to talk about it.

I’m so sorry. I hope you can find a way to feel whole again