Reaching out for support / to give support

[HereThereEverywhere]

Hello, I have been in a relationship with my partner for almost 4 years. Roughly 1.5 years into our relationship he came out to me as ace and I did not handle it well. Our relationship has been on a slow decline ever since, which has not been helped by my relationship OCD. Each time there was a new crisis in our family life, it also seemed to diminish his ability to feel seen/supported. After my father died 6 months ago, he said to me he did not feel seen or supported at all in the relationship and wanted to sleep separately. Then last week he said that he wanted to not have a romantic relationship, which I interpreted as him breaking up with me. Then he did say because of that assumption he wants to take a break, which he does not think will result in us ending up together. He says he loves me, but does not feel seen or supported or that his ace identity has been acknowledged or loved in any way. I am fully willing to admit that I have not done a good job in supporting his identity, I have been in a quest to support it perfectly and as a result have not done much at all. That being said, I do love him entirely and want to keep our family together. Any advice or support from folks who've been through this would be much appreciated.

 

- Helen

[Liara]

Have you tried to ask him what he wants, how you can help him, support him?

[HereThereEverywhere]

@Liara, I have but he said that I don't listen, don't do it consistently, or do it for awhile and then stop when things are hard in life. I want to be there for him and know i'll make mistakes, he knows i will too.. but it feels like we're at a point where if i do make a mistake it feels like an erasement to him.

[Vorps]

There's a book I've recommended before that you may find helpful. It's called Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson.

 

It illustrates with a bit of a step by step process how to reframe discussions around the really deep issues. It takes time and a *lot* of talking. Both people have to be deeply invested in making it work.

 

First and foremost, I doubt any of us react perfectly to the news our SO is on the asexual spectrum. But while I think there are worse reactions than others, I also think it's an unfair expectation of the sexual partner to be entirely capable of absorbing that news immediately and effortlessly.

 

Im not saying that's what he expected, just that there needs to be space for mistakes from both partners. You, the sexual, have had the entirety of your relationship rewritten in your mind. If you had a sex life together before the revelation, your understanding of it is suddenly different. This can be difficult for the asexual partner to understand, because of the fundamental difference in experience.

 

It's important for his identity to be clear and cared for. It's equally important for yours to be as well.

 

It's tough to say without more details, as the post is a little vague. (No judgement. Just saying). 2.5 years of strife is a long time, and it's no wonder things are rocky.

 

Hold Me Tight sort of helps each person confront their fears about their relationship, and how those fears make them act, as well as helping them take responsibility for their additions to the relationship strife.

 

It helps put words to things like 'you dont support my asexual identity.' Well, has he been able to communicate what that support looks like, feels like? What need isnt being met in that regard?

 

It seems, to me, like there are some deeper issues than sexual incompatibility, and if you make it through those, you may still discover that, as a sexual, life without reciprocal desire in your sexual relationship, or no sexual relationship at all, is untenable.

 

Good luck!