I’m demisexual, he’s asexual, I need support

[jedi028]

I bet there are a ton of threads out there, but I really just want to write out my situation and hopefully find some community support.

 

I identify as demisexual. For a while I thought I was asexual because I just didn’t care or wasn’t interested in anyone. (Also maybe some religious trauma—I went to Catholic school K-12.) I never dated in high school, went on three first dates in college, and after graduation tried a few dating apps on and off. I found the term demisexual and it was like a light switch clicked on. I felt like I could maybe be sexually attracted to someone, someday, even if I hadn’t yet experienced it. It was the right term for me.

 

In my late 20s, I met my (now) husband. He told me early on that he thought he might be asexual, and I thought, “Who better to understand this than me? I thought I was asexual for a while, sex doesn’t mean much to me.” But my own attraction deepened and grew and it was a different kind of light switch. Like a bulb that stutters for a few seconds before lighting up a room.

 

Now we’re married, and I just want to turn my light off again. I feel trapped in my own feelings. So many articles I read about asexuality in partnerships talk about how “we used to have sex but it dwindled.” We’ve never had sex. I’ve never had sex (so I don’t even know if I’ll like it, which makes the feelings feel ridiculous). I’m so grateful my husband has the language to identify himself early, but I find myself also feeling envious of those people who have at least had sex with someone they love.

 

Sometimes, in the worst moments, I wonder if I made a mistake marrying him. He’s my best friend, but there is no passion. He has said so and he doesn’t need it. Compromise on physical touch is the closest we can get:

 

• He’s identified himself as sex-repulsed, at best sex-indifferent.

• He can manage touching my upper body, but only for short amounts of time and only spontaneously (read: rarely).

• Kissing is ok for him, but he prefers very short kisses and “making out” maxes out at about 5 minutes.

• He thought he could never be naked in front of me, but he did overcome his nerves/fear/reservations in this and has become fairly comfortable. It was a big step (and gave me some secret if misguided hope that a compromise could be possible).

 

I keep trying to convince myself maybe things could change, which isn’t healthy for me or for our relationship. I bounce between acceptance and anger, bitterness and blaming other things: “He watches porn [which I know some asexual people do], maybe if he stopped…?” “What if it’s just related to his ADHD and sensory issues…?” “He’s got as much religion to unpack as I do, so maybe…”

 

We moved to a new state two years ago after we were just starting to broach these topics with a couple’s therapist. We haven’t had much luck finding a new one. Same for me and an individual therapist. I don’t have anyone else to talk to, I don’t feel like there’s anywhere else to turn. Our conversations end up in the same place: me trying to share my feelings, him feeling guilty for not being able to give me what I want, me ending up exasperated because he shuts down in self-guilt and my original feelings get pushed aside. Again, it’s not healthy or good. I just don’t know what to do, where to go, what to say, and I don’t expect you all to have the answers. I just want to feel less alone.

[Liara]

I understand so much what you are feeling that it hurts... Welcome here, I hope you'll feel less alone with us.
Somebody will certainly advise you to talk more with your husband, but communication is not a magical wand who resolves everything. When guilt, pain, fear, anger fill the room, that's really complicated to talk, to explain and to listen.
I'm in the same situation than you for more than 20 years so... sadly, no, I will have no answer for you. I already don't have answer for myself...
Just be sure nothing will change, he is what he is and that's not his fault. Don't keep hope about this, that will just hurt you more.

I hope you will feel better.

[Ceebs]

A lot of your story is very familiar, but I'm not sure I have a solution for you based on my own experiences that'll fit your situation, so most of the 'support' I can offer is primarily being able to empathise and share how things went for me. Which probably isn't much help, but anyway...

 

I married a man who's asexual, knowing he identified that way. For a while he thought he might be demisexual, as I was his first partner (he'd had a few crushes before, but no relationships). When I was younger I was super messed-up about my sexuality; lots of shame, repression, and mental health struggles that took a large toll physically and psychologically (particularly depression and anorexia). Like you, I even once wondered if I was somewhere in the asexual realm of things. Even once I realised I definitely wasn't, I didn't feel good about my sexuality and I think my husband felt... safe. I knew there would never be any pressure to have sex and he'd be fine if we didn't. What I didn't expect is that eventually I wouldn't be fine with that. Unlike you and your husband, we did have sex quite a number of times in the beginning, since his general attitude is pretty sex-positive, he's not repulsed or averse, and he's generally a physically affectionate person (plus the thing about him thinking he might be demi; he's not, though). The sex we had made me feel very uncomfortable though, like I was a creepy pervert or something, and despite his willingness I could easily tell that there was no reciprocal desire. I ended up feeling even worse about my own sexuality than I had before, and I think both of us were relieved when we stopped engaging in any form of sexual activity. By that point I'd lost all romantic interest in him anyway and he was more like a combination of a brother and a completely platonic friend.

 

We didn't talk about sex... it didn't seem like there was anything to talk about. I stuffed my sexuality down, figured I'd be just be in a platonic sexless marriage for the rest of my life, was more concerned with various other struggles I was dealing with anyway, end of. Except then things got messy. I'm bisexual and... uh, let's just say I developed an off-and-on connection with another woman that was initially not particularly above board, which that made me realise I was miserable as fuck in my marriage and not ok with never having sex again. Long story short (ok lol, this hasn't been very short), my husband eventually became my ex-husband (we're still close), my sometimes-girlfriend became my ex-girlfriend because the relationship was very unhealthy, and I've been with someone else for nearly three years now who I met here on AVEN because he came here suspecting his wife, now ex-wife, might be asexual. The solution for me was not staying married. (And also I'm not at all fucked-up about sex anymore, which is a very very good thing. That changed slowly starting from around when I became involved with my ex-gf.)

 

I totally get the pain you're in. The bitterness and anger, sometimes feeling like you've accepted the situation, other times feeling exasperated and overwhelmed and like it's unbearable. It's lonely, so of course it's very normal that you feel alone. @Liara is correct; your husband is who he is and that won't change. It's not his fault, and it's also definitely not your fault. I wish I had something better to offer other than my own long-winded story and some understanding, but hopefully you'll be able to at least find some emotional support and comfort here on AVEN. Be compassionate with yourself and allow yourself to have the feelings you're feeling. They're normal under the circumstances.

[Ceebs]

Actually I will add... really really think about whether this will be something you can endure for the rest of your life -- no sex, ever. A whole portion of who you are going unexplored, remaining virtually unknown to you. It's unlikely that it will get easier somehow. 
 

Sometimes loving each other isn't enough to make a situation work. I can't say whether that's true for you guys, but something to keep in mind.

[Mountain House]

Welcome @jedi028, You are not alone.

 

When you did have conversations with a couple's councilor, where did the conversations go?

[nanogretchen4]

It sounds like you married your husband in the full knowledge that he was asexual and that sex wasn't on the menu. You cannot change your husband's orientation, and you really  shouldn't pressure your husband for sexual contact he does not want. It sounds like he is already compromising up to or beyond the point he is comfortable with, so it's probably better not to expect "progress" in that area.

 

Your husband's orientation is not a problem to be solved. Your marriage does have a problem in the form of a permanent major incompatibility. However, that is not your husband's fault and there is nothing he can or should do to change it. Therefore, I think you should prioritize finding an LGBTQ+ friendly individual therapist for yourself rather than a couple's therapist. Once you reach the point of accepting the reality of your husband's orientation, a therapist might help you consider the options that are actually possible and support you as you make choices and carry them out. 

[Sally]

4 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Your husband's orientation is not a problem to be solved. Your marriage does have a problem in the form of a permanent major incompatibility.

That seems to be the priority to be addressed -- not who your husband is or who you are.  

[Mountain House]

9 minutes ago, Sally said:

That seems to be the priority to be addressed -- not who your husband is or who you are.

I think these go hand in hand. A couple can't get to, "this is who we are" until both reach, "this is who I am." To me it looks like husband is there, but OP may need to reflect. (?) This is a declaration of autonomy, a recognition of one's authenticity. If I do not know who I am, how can I answer the question of what I need for a fulfilled, healthy life?