Friendship into relationship (?)

[Eutierria]

Poll on whether you would ruin a friendship to risk a relationship. 

[RileyA]

I don't see it as a risk as such just because of how my relationships work. If I have a friend, and there is sexual attraction, we might already be sexually intimate. If we think we are compatible for something other than friendship, then we will change the terms of our relationship, perhaps our labels too. 

 

If it doesn't work out, hopefully we find something that does. I don't buy into the idea that it all has to explode.

 

 

[Ceebs]

Well, whether anything is actually 'ruined' is highly variable from one situation to another, I'd say. It's certainly not a given. But yeah, I risked making a very clearly non-platonic move with my partner because we'd been good friends for several years and I'd had a crush on him for a long time and eventually realised I was in love, and we were quite emotionally intimate in ways I knew he definitely wasn't with other people, so I figured there might be a chance the feelings would be reciprocated.

 

The types of situations where I wouldn't risk it would be where I knew there was virtually zero chance they could even be capable of reciprocating. About 10-12 years ago I had really intense feelings for a female friend... the situation was actually painful as hell... but I never said anything because she was straight. Of course there's a tiny chance she could discover she's bisexual I guess, but I wasn't going to make myself look like an absolute moron just to find out, especially as I had no indication she was into women (despite the fact that she behaved in ways that are very romantically-coded with me, but I knew she did that with friends in general).

 

So it depends. But if I have feelings and I think it's possible they might too, I'll got for it. Life is too short not to, IMO.

[Guest]

I find it complicated to answer simply because it depends on the situation and I'd need to weigh up whether it would be a good idea. In theory, I wouldn't say no to the possibilty of exploring something more with a friend. Unless the other person shows a sign of interest it's unlikely something I would broach though. I value friendship and rarely meet someone I want to be friends with so it's not something I would rush into.

[Ceebs]

10 minutes ago, Guybrush Threepwood said:

rarely meet someone I want to be friends with

Same. 🥲

[Philip027]

I don't understand the question.  What is ruining the friendship?

[Ceebs]

31 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I don't understand the question.  What is ruining the friendship?

Haha, this reminds me of previous very similar threads. I wondered if you were going to chime in.

 

For some people, admitting more-than-friendship feelings is a really vulnerable thing to do. It implies a desire for romantic and (if you're not ace) sexual intimacy with someone, and those can be big feelings to confess for some people. They worry that if they do so and the other person doesn't reciprocate, the friendship will become awkward, with both people having that admission sort of hanging there between them, unspoken. It may make the recipient feel uncomfortable or guilty for not reciprocating, the person making the admission may feel ashamed or guilty for having those feelings... and when you already have a great friendship with someone, it's common to not want to risk things getting emotionally weird between the two of you.

[Eutierria]

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

I don't understand the question.  What is ruining the friendship?

Guess it would depend on how people process & deal with information but I feel this is a pretty good explanation - 

 

1 hour ago, Ceebs said:

those can be big feelings to confess for some people. They worry that if they do so and the other person doesn't reciprocate, the friendship will become awkward, with both people having that admission sort of hanging there between them,

 

[Philip027]

Quote

They worry that if they do so and the other person doesn't reciprocate, the friendship will become awkward,

It's weird to me because, even though I hear of this sort of thing happening a lot (or at least people worrying it will happen a lot), I've never had things turn out this way.  I've just never felt like a good, solid friendship would be threatened by something like this, assuming both people feel the same way about said friendship.

 

But then, I've never been the sort to be bothered by a rejection or unrequited affection.  I feel like maybe this has a lot to do with it -- clearly some people can't handle it as gracefully, and it ends up eating away at the friendship apple, I guess?  Regardless, I never expect reciprocation, and I make that clear right away, so maybe this has helped the other person not feel uncomfortable?

 

In any case, in response to the question, I would always confess how I felt, because I feel like if I regarded someone that highly, they deserve my honesty, and that includes how I feel about them.  But I've never looked at it as potentially risking or ruining a friendship.  If we were really as "solid" as I'm under the impression that we were, I don't feel like I'm really risking anything at all.  If it did somehow push someone away, then I would have to question if we were ever really friends to begin with.  I don't know if that makes sense 🤔

[Ceebs]

6 hours ago, Philip027 said:

But then, I've never been the sort to be bothered by a rejection or unrequited affection.  I feel like maybe this has a lot to do with it -- clearly some people can't handle it as gracefully, and it ends up eating away at the friendship apple, I guess?

I'm not sure it would be about not handling it gracefully for me... there's no reason I would be mean, rude, lash out, whatever... but I think I would find it so deeply emotionally painful, like my hopes being dashed forever, that I may have to distance myself from the person. At least for a while. Longing for someone in that way -- especially if it's gone beyond a crush and I'm actually at the point of being in love with them -- is something I feel very intensely.

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

I def don't want to ruin any friendship, but if I see they may be into me, I'll jump in (if I think we are romantically compatible). 

I think that as my age the risk is low because we are supposedly to be able to handle this kind of thing in a more mature way, in theory hahha.

[Ceebs]

1 hour ago, Su. said:

we are supposedly to be able to handle this kind of thing in a more mature way, in theory hahha.

I know that one. 😅

 

There are lots of things I'm supposed to be able to do 'in theory' at this age...

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

3 hours ago, Ceebs said:

I know that one. 😅

 

There are lots of things I'm supposed to be able to do 'in theory' at this age...

I know that feeling hahaha. Me too, but let's pretend we do all the adulting things pretty well hahaha. 

[Sally]

No, I wouldn't.  I'd think that it would be fairly evident if, or if not, a friend wants to transition to a relationship, and if it doesn't seem so, then I wouldn't embarrass the friend and me by saying anything.  

[Thujaplicata]

I did. It took me forever to realize I was interested but by then I was pretty sure she liked me too and she believed me to be fully aroace so she would never have asked for anything more because she respects boundaries more strictly than anyone else I've ever met. 

 

Mostly, we'd been friends for about a decade and I trusted that we'd be friends after as well, though I was still rather terrified. It helped that I wasn't sure exactly of my feelings and felt I could go back to very close presumed platonic if she preferred. 

[Philip027]

2 hours ago, Ceebs said:

I'm not sure it would about not handling it gracefully for me... there's no reason I would be mean, rude, lash out, whatever... but I think I would find it so deeply emotionally painful, like my hopes being dashed forever, that I may have to distance myself from the person. At least for a while. Longing for someone in that way -- especially if it's gone beyond a crush and I'm actually at the point of being in love with them -- is something I feel very intensely.

Now, don't take this the wrong way; I don't mean this as a jab or anything of that sort (more like wistful musing), but this is basically the exact sort of thing that's made me wonder at times if I ever feel as strongly about other people as they do.  I usually think I do, but then I see things like this and I start second guessing myself all over again 🤔

[Ceebs]

4 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Now, don't take this the wrong way; I don't mean this as a jab or anything of that sort

It wouldn't have occurred to me to take it that way at all anyway, so you're good. Tbh I'm not sure how it could be a jab? To me it sounds like you're suggesting I have strong feelings for people... which I do... and I consider that a very good thing.

 

But yeah, I dunno... I can't analyse your feelings, only you can do that. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

[Eutierria]

8 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Regardless, I never expect reciprocation, and I make that clear right away

I'm the same. 

 

 

8 hours ago, Philip027 said:

if I regarded someone that highly, they deserve my honesty, and that includes how I feel about them. 

 

8 hours ago, Philip027 said:

If we were really as "solid" as I'm under the impression that we were, I don't feel like I'm really risking anything at all. 

I smiled reading these - there's something very beautiful about the way you've worded this section which speaks to me. 

[Eutierria]

52 minutes ago, Thujaplicata said:

It helped that I wasn't sure exactly of my feelings and felt I could go back to very close presumed platonic if she preferred. 

I never thought of it this way - thanks for the additional perspective that not being entirely sure of one's feelings can actually turn out to be a positive. 

 

10yrs is a really long time - I feel happy it worked out for you. 

[RileyA]

8 hours ago, Ceebs said:

I'm not sure it would be about not handling it gracefully for me... there's no reason I would be mean, rude, lash out, whatever... but I think I would find it so deeply emotionally painful, like my hopes being dashed forever, that I may have to distance myself from the person. At least for a while. Longing for someone in that way -- especially if it's gone beyond a crush and I'm actually at the point of being in love with them -- is something I feel very intensely.

For me, if we were close friends and this happened, I'd feel like you never valued our friendship and it was all just a ploy to have me as your man. Now I won't, all of what we shared is meaningless.

 

This happened to me repeatedly with women who I was very clear that I am not really into women. Once it became clear that they're not going to be one of the ones that I am "demisexual" for, they weren't interested in anything else.

[Ceebs]

7 minutes ago, RileyA said:

For me, if we were close friends and this happened, I'd feel like you never valued our friendship and it was all just a ploy to have me as your man. Now I won't, all of what we shared is meaningless.

Not my intention, but you're welcome to read it that way if you wish. If we had become super close and were interacting all the time, I would be adding to the feeling of sadness if we kept up that same level of interaction immediately following me telling them how I felt. I would not be cold, rude, cut them off, not explain, whatever... but I would need to take a little time to focus on other friendships and just myself too because it would be unhealthy for me to try to get over how I felt about them whilst continuing with that same level of intimacy. Loads of people are this way and I see nothing wrong with it. 

[RileyA]

3 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Not my intention, but you're welcome to read it that way if you wish. If we had become super close and were interacting all the time, I would be adding to the feeling of sadness if we kept up that same level of interaction immediately following me telling them how I felt. I would not be cold, rude, cut them off, not explain, whatever... but I would need to take a little time to focus on other friendships and just myself too because it would be unhealthy for me to try to get over how I felt about them whilst continuing with that same level of intimacy. Loads of people are this way and I see nothing wrong with it. 

 

I'm not being facetious here, but were you only interacting that way because you hoped for more? Or because you are friends. 

 

It's the former that makes me feel negatively. On my side, we're mutually enjoying "closeness" because we are friends, and then I find out this "closeness" is painful to you unless it comes with partner style agreements. It's saying that our closeness is only appropriate if we move into "partner" realm.

 

Also with me, there isn't anything I inherently do with partners that I wouldn't do with a friend if we were well matched for that. 

 

[Ceebs]

Also I literally never go into any connection wanting someone as 'my man' (or woman). I just don't connect that way, I don't go after people with a goal of a romantic relationship. Ever. Never once done that in my life. 

[Ceebs]

Just now, RileyA said:

I'm not being facetious here, but were you only interacting that way because you hoped for more? Or because you are friends. 

Apparently I added my second post at the same time you did. I think that answers your question maybe? I've never even dated in the traditional sense in my entire life, not even once. I've never had my eye on anyone for a relationship. All my romantic feelings have developed out of simply getting to know a person and liking them.

[Ceebs]

Well other than the one relationship where someone else became obsessed with me and love-bombed me and I ended up having some sort of feelings despite not being particularly interested in the first place.

[RileyA]

5 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Apparently I added my second post at the same time you did. I think that answers your question maybe? I've never even dated in the traditional sense in my entire life, not even once. I've never had my eye on anyone for a relationship. All my romantic feelings have developed out of simply getting to know a person and liking them.

 

I'm really asking this because of my experience with friendships with women. 

 

I suppose I feel like when it happens, our friendship was a ploy. I do get the need for space but often when it occurs  they don't want space, they want to end our friendship and feel I've led them on somehow. 

[RileyA]

5 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Well other than the one relationship where someone else became obsessed with me and love-bombed me and I ended up having some sort of feelings despite not being particularly interested in the first place.

Yes the love bombers do that to you 🤣

[Ceebs]

I truly can't fathom completely ending a genuinely good friendship over something like that, unless the other person took it so badly that they were mean to me and they wanted it to end. Then I'd leave them alone at their request because anything beyond that would be harassment. It's just about space so my feelings can chill out and maybe things wouldn't feel quite as awkward and confusing as it would if we kept up the same level of emotional intimacy. It's hard to get over romantic feelings for someone if you're doing everything exactly the same as when you got to that place of falling for them.

[Starry Sky]

Usually the best relationships start as friendships. So yeah, absolutely, but it wouldn't ruin the friendship unless the other person sees it that way. In which case, better friends for me are out there

[J. van Deijck]

All my relationships have started as long term friendship and nothing has been ruined so far, so I don't feel any of these options is really applicable to me.