Sex averse and favorable at the same time?

[Lilac200]

I'm just curious if anyone experiences this as I've never read about it. 

 

If I do have sex with my partner, I start off feeling aversion to everything even before sex. Even just touch my knee if I feel like it's sexual in any way. I would rather stop, I'm not liking where it's going, etc. Then it's like I cross some sort of magic arousal line where my body takes over and I am favorable to what's happening. I like it, it feels good and I don't want to stop. After, I don't feel bad about it. And I think, I'd like to do that again. But then same story next time. It's like my body is on one side and my mind another. 

 

Does this sound familiar to anyone? 

[RoseGoesToYale]

Sounds like the aversion comes from foreplay rather than the actual sex (because foreplay is thing that's supposed to arouse the body to prepare for sex. If you're already sufficiently aroused, then you can just jump right in). For many, kissing is a major part of foreplay, but I've heard of people who don't like kissing but enjoy sex, and it's also possible to be averse to specific parts of sex, e.g. penetration, so I'm certain aversion to foreplay is a thing.

[Iam9man]

3 hours ago, Lilac200 said:

Does this sound familiar to anyone? 

It does, but I essentially experience the exact opposite 🙃

 

I’m sort of “functionally heterosexual” during foreplay, but once the actual sex part starts I’d really rather not, although I am able to enjoy it from a physical perspective.

[EmeraldIce]

I sometimes have the opposite problem. Every time I think I want sex, I'm always reminded after sex starts that it's actually not all that and what I had in mind was not this at all. This being said, there are certain sexual practices and imageries that I'm generally averse to when I see porn or imagine it in my head, but in practice it's not nearly as bad. For example, in porn I always, always find blowjobs disgusting. I hate that look on the woman's face that says she can't get enough. I hate that look on the man's face that's just reveling in how big his member is. And I hate the way that the woman looks up with the thing in her mouth, the look that I typically associate with sluttiness. No offense intended to those who enjoy sex, by the way; it just doesn't fit my aesthetic preference or sexual fantasies. Anyway, in practice, though, I don't find blowjobs disgusting as long as he cleans himself beforehand, and sometimes it can even be fun to imitate those moves I find disgusting to watch. Of course, I usually burst into laughter when I try, but it's basically theatrical comedy. Similarly, I've always hated hearing people vocalize pleasure in porn, but in practice it's actually kinda nice when my husband does it. BDSM-related stuff are usually the only things that turn me on, but I find BDSM aesthetics fairly repulsive and over-sexualized, though in practice I can usually dissociate those. Etc. etc.

[Lilac200]

Yeah, I've heard of the opposite like you all are stating.

My situation makes it hard to understand and communicate my boundaries. 

[rebis]

10 hours ago, Lilac200 said:

I'm just curious if anyone experiences this as I've never read about it. 

 

If I do have sex with my partner, I start off feeling aversion to everything even before sex. Even just holding my hand or touch my knee if I feel like it's sexual in any way. I would rather stop, I'm not liking where it's going, etc. Then it's like I cross some sort of magic arousal line where my body takes over and I am favorable to what's happening. I like it, it feels good and I don't want to stop. After, I don't feel bad about it. And I think, I'd like to do that again. But then same story next time. It's like my body is on one side and my mind another. 

 

Does this sound familiar to anyone? 

Could you say more about what you mean here? Which side of you is on which side?

 

I suppose I am not clear on what is different between when you think you'd like to do that again, and when you try? Is it that touch physically does not feel good? Or more mentally, like you'd like to try in theory, but are unable to want to enough to go through with it?

 

I guess I am hearing that arousal seems to make a difference ... hopefully not too obvious a question, but have you tried waiting until you are already aroused? I suppose that could be a problem if it never happens spontaneously, though...

[Lilac200]

On 9/4/2022 at 8:56 AM, rebis said:

Could you say more about what you mean here? Which side of you is on which side?

 

I suppose I am not clear on what is different between when you think you'd like to do that again, and when you try? Is it that touch physically does not feel good? Or more mentally, like you'd like to try in theory, but are unable to want to enough to go through with it?

 

I guess I am hearing that arousal seems to make a difference ... hopefully not too obvious a question, but have you tried waiting until you are already aroused? I suppose that could be a problem if it never happens spontaneously, though...

I think I mentally feel aversion at the beginning and my body physically feels good and at some point my body response convinces my brain. 

[hypercube]

Very interesting case. By what you described it's not easy to determine if you have aversion against sexual practices, or against the "situation" of "getting into sex" (foreplay but not just that, the "mood" in the air itself).
On one side, if sex is good then probably you're cumulating a good feedback about sexual practices, to associate to the foreplay you get. So maybe things could get better with the time.
But I'd ask more questions here to investigate more:
- If you picture in your mind anything sexual in this right moment (not when you're prompted by your partner), do you feel aversion?
- Same question but picturing foreplay, do you feel aversion?
- What does it happen if you initiate foreplay and touch/kiss the partner who stays passive instead? You could try asking them to stay completely passive for a couple of hours, to let you experiment with your initiatives and timings, to see if, by having more control, things feel less bad.
- Would it help if before getting to bed with your partner you secretly close yourself in the bathroom for 5 min, touch yourself even if you aren't in a sexual mood so that the body "convinces" your mind, then instead of reaching any orgasm you just stay in that mood and reach your partner in the bed? Would that make the foreplay you receive acceptable?
- Could it be this is your first sexual partner and simply they are bad at understanding your needs and have unsexy manners, but you just don't have experiences to compare them with? In that case this person could be open to try being more passionate/cool in the way it works for you. If it works then it's win-win for the partner too.

[Lilac200]

On 9/5/2022 at 11:32 AM, hypercube said:

Very interesting case. By what you described it's not easy to determine if you have aversion against sexual practices, or against the "situation" of "getting into sex" (foreplay but not just that, the "mood" in the air itself).
On one side, if sex is good then probably you're cumulating a good feedback about sexual practices, to associate to the foreplay you get. So maybe things could get better with the time.
But I'd ask more questions here to investigate more:
- If you picture in your mind anything sexual in this right moment (not when you're prompted by your partner), do you feel aversion?
- Same question but picturing foreplay, do you feel aversion?
- What does it happen if you initiate foreplay and touch/kiss the partner who stays passive instead? You could try asking them to stay completely passive for a couple of hours, to let you experiment with your initiatives and timings, to see if, by having more control, things feel less bad.
- Would it help if before getting to bed with your partner you secretly close yourself in the bathroom for 5 min, touch yourself even if you aren't in a sexual mood so that the body "convinces" your mind, then instead of reaching any orgasm you just stay in that mood and reach your partner in the bed? Would that make the foreplay you receive acceptable?
- Could it be this is your first sexual partner and simply they are bad at understanding your needs and have unsexy manners, but you just don't have experiences to compare them with? In that case this person could be open to try being more passionate/cool in the way it works for you. If it works then it's win-win for the partner too.

I don't think any positive feedback loop is going to help me at this point. 

[Jane_low]

Hi Lilac200 - I'm new to this board, but I completely understand your post and felt a jolt of connection after reading all the other posts and not really finding one that matches my situation. 

 

I have been with my partner for over 20 years and I have an aversion to starting anything sexual.  I simply cannot initiate and really don't want him to, however, I am able to enjoy (TMI here people), i.e., orgasm during penetrative sex (which I hadn't for years, but changed a medication so that's a plus) and oral stim (though I am not comfortable engaging in that at this time.)  But I'd honestly rather just skip to that step and not do all the other stuff - or even better just skip it I guess despite having pleasure.

 

All the pre-stuff usually either doesn't do much for me or makes me uncomfortable, and I'd rather not do it if it's going to lead to sex.  Because of my lack of initiation and really no desire to have sex even though I can get physical pleasure out of it most times, and the aversion to anything that could lead to sex, there is a constant strain on our marriage.  I even don't want to hold hands, cuddle, etc., because I feel like that will lead to sex.  Which I really can enjoy parts of - but then blame myself for that not being enough to change the pattern.

 

I'm just starting the journey of trying to parse out what my sexuality is after so many years of laboring under the "low sex drive" message that dominates society.  Do this, do that, it will magically change!  Well, no.  I also think ultimately this could be the end of our marriage and I hate that, but so many years of strain and compromises sexually on both sides have been bad for both of us.  I get resentful and anxious, and he feels undesired and unnattractive and I honestly can't blame him because I understand why he feels that way but I just can't seem to change my behavior even to make this relationship work well.

 

So now I'm evaluating, learning, trying to figure out where I really fall and what the path forward might look like.  Have you had any additional thoughts or experiences that helped you figure this out since you first posted?