Ideal relationship ?

[City Girl]

This is a great question! I've been reading some of them just to get an idea before I posted my answer.

Well, first of all, I'd want a friendship/companion relationship with someone who liked or loved me for who I am and wouldn't just be out to use me for their own puposes.

I'd want us to share some interests, but also have some of our own. Someone around my age, whether it be male or female, but it would have to definitely be someone who's also asexual. I don't want sex ever again! I've just recently separated from a sexual husband, who also has an addiction to sex. Ugg!

I'd like to be with someone who's alot of fun to be with, whether it's when we go out somewhere or just sit and talk.

Right now, though I'd settle just for meeting some people to make friends with. Ever since I moved out on my own, I haven't been able to connect with anyone. :cry:

[nonentities]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, because I'm pretty sure that this is never going to happen for me, so I may as well daydream. :? Once upon a time, I wrote out a list of things that I thought would make the "ideal guy." But the more I think about it, the more I think that no matter how perfect this person would be, it would never really be enough. I've pondered self-sufficience, I've pondered codependence, and what I've ended up with is a partner that can be everything---best friend, lover, whatever. I'm not really satisfied with second-best. I feel things strongly. Someone who would always be there---but know when to back off.

I get annoyed easily, by things that are nearly impossible to predict. Very annoyed, to the point of slightly worrying rage. I like my space, but I also don't like being alone for too long. I'm never very good at keeping up relationships, friendships or otherwise, because I expect the other person to be able to anticipate what I'm feeling, and half of the time, that's so unpredictable that even I can't anticipate it.

I'm not satisfied with second-best. I'm a selfish person. I want to be EVERYTHING to the other person, but at the same time, I have been everything to someone, and that frightened me so much that I backed away. Still---I'm a jealous person, and the ideal relationship would come with the security of no jealousy. But how to even go about accomplishing that?

I've come to the conclusion that I could only really fall in love with someone exactly like me. (How narcissistic. :roll: ) And since I'm fairly sure that there's no male version of me wandering around, I'm pretty much destined to hack it on my own for the rest of my life. I've been accustoming myself to this with varying degrees of success. Even with me, there's still that stupid hope that I won't live the rest of my life completely alone, but I know that it's going to be true eventually.

[Cate Perfect]

*reads Chess' post*

*check to be sure she didn't write it herself*

Man...that's so...me.

Particularly this bit:

I get annoyed easily, by things that are nearly impossible to predict. Very annoyed, to the point of slightly worrying rage. I like my space, but I also don't like being alone for too long. I'm never very good at keeping up relationships, friendships or otherwise, because I expect the other person to be able to anticipate what I'm feeling, and half of the time, that's so unpredictable that even I can't anticipate it.

I'm not satisfied with second-best. I'm a selfish person. I want to be EVERYTHING to the other person, but at the same time, I have been everything to someone, and that frightened me so much that I backed away. Still---I'm a jealous person, and the ideal relationship would come with the security of no jealousy. But how to even go about accomplishing that?

Cate

[nonentities]

Haha, you know, it worries me that all of my "dark things" are the things you most identify with, dearie. :lol:

[Cate Perfect]

Haha, you know, it worries me that all of my "dark things" are the things you most identify with, dearie. :lol:

Ditto.

Oh, well, at least I know I'm not alone. :D Though I already have an evil twin *points at Virago* so we'll just have to be evil friends.

Cate

[nonentities]

That's what worries me, though.

And evil friends works fine for me. I'm evil enough that I don't need an evil twin!

[nonentities]

I also found my list of fifty things that made the "ideal guy." I'll post it so someone can have a laugh at it, at least. I was about eighteen when I wrote this, can you tell? :lol:

1. Appreciates obsessions -- I.E., would not object to certain songs being played on repeat for hours on end, or that certain books must be returned promptly, because being away from them for too long makes me sad.

2. He doesn't mind spending hours not talking. Comfortable silences are amongst the most important things in a relationship. Therefore, he must also realise that just because I'm babbling at a rate of fifty words a minute, that doesn't necessarily mean I want to talk, it means I'm nervous.

3. Conversely, he must know how to indicate "shut up" without making me angry.

4. He must be at least one inch taller than me, though preferably at least a six-inch difference. I'm not tall, but looking down at him would make me feel uncomfortable.

5. Understands moodiness, and if it's obvious I don't want to be bothered, knows how to keep his distance. Doesn't ask "are you all right?" every five minutes.

6. Has good taste in music. Not necessarily my taste in music, but a well-defined, broad catalogue of interests that, preferably, aren't played relentlessly on Clear Channel. Guilty pleasures are allowed, hell knows I have my own. Knows what he likes and keeps his collection current.

7. All right. I'll admit it. I like pale guys. Complexion's a silly thing to worry about, isn't it? If there are freckles, they must not be too dark, because it's distractingly annoying. Pale yellowy freckles are tolerable, tans are unattractive.

8. Appreciates feminism as a valid social movement and avoids making snide comments about feminists and underarm hair, and does not find it amusingly endearing when I identify as a feminist.

9. He has gallows-humour. I find the misfortune of others to be amusing, it wouldn't do to have a boyfriend be horrified at such things. Similarly, mocking people is also a valid pasttime.

10. He is either an atheist, or not particularly serious about his religion.

11. Realises that certain songs sound like sex, and appreciates them accordingly.

12. Bookstores are a preferred location for a date.

13. He doesn't have long hair, but he doesn't have short hair. Long enough to run fingers through, not as though I would ever do that. But hair should look ruffleable. It's amusing. Anything in the hair is a no-no -- anything that smells like anything other than cleanliness is, likewise, offputting.

14. Either shave, or grow a decent beard. Anything in between makes you look fourteen. Don't do it. Also, mustaches are disgusting.

15. The bill will be split democratically. It makes me uncomfortable when people insist on paying for me; nor should I have to pay for him.

16. I am not a convenience object. I am not a toy to take out and play with when he's ready. Obligations will be kept, dates will be on time, and the fact that I am paranoid about being late will be taken into consideration.

7. His hair is somewhere between light brown and black, preferably, with dark eyes.

18. Handsome's relative, and wears away. I'd rather find someone with a quirky face: interesting, features you remember instantly. A broken nose, or a mouth that's turned down at the corner in a smirk-that-isn't. Different.

19. He must be well-read, and able to discuss literature intelligently, without regurgitating Spark Notes.

20. A sarcastic mouth. I'm not sure quite how to describe this, but it's a combination of thin lips and a look as though the world is ever-so-amusing, but for reasons that shouldn't really be funny.

21. He knows the song "Cathedrals."

22. He wants to travel, but he also realises that if I'm going to go anywhere, it's going to take a while to convince me that I don't need to worry about my other responsibilities. He should know to be patient about these things.

23. Physical contact makes me squirm, things will be taken slowly, if they are taken at all.

24. He can't decide if his favourite smell is old-book or new-book.

25. He doesn't watch reality television, and in fact, is not particularly fond of television at all. Most news is read either through the newspaper, or the internet. He doesn't just read one newspaper, but cultivates a variety of opinions.

26. He isn't a Republican. I don't even think I have any Republican friends.

27. He isn't bigoted, but he isn't falling all over himself to prove how bleeding heart he is. There is a medium one should reach, where there is self-respect and pride in one's own identity without denigrating others. People who are still apologising for what the pilgrims did should be smacked over the head.

28. He doesn't mock my fondness for cheesy Russian electro-pop, though I wouldn't expect him to share it. There's only so much that I can require.

29. He isn't an idealist. I want to be able to wallow in my hatred for humanity, someone who believes in their redemption would only annoy me.

30. He has something he really, truly loves, above all other things.

31. He pursues knowledge for knowledge's sake, not because he actually needs to learn something.

32. He realises when something's funny and cute, and when it's obnoxious and I want to rip his throat out.

33. He doesn't compliment me on my appearance.

34. If I ever ask, "Does this make me look fat" he will laugh at me. Loudly.

35. He notices small things: the way that a street sign is tilted, or the way a street looks like a picture, or an old man swinging his legs over a bench, or a lyric like "he gave away his heart like it was his to give away." (Quiet, if you've ever heard McLusky they are NOT an emo band at ALL. Download "The Man Will Not Hang.")

36. He doesn't categorise himself, or categorise me.

37. No assumptions.

38. Telepathy would be a bonus but I won't hold out for it.

39. He plays one instrument badly, but keeps at it because he wants to play songs that he likes.

40. When he eats, he eats with his mouth closed. He doesn't make smacking sounds when he's sitting still, nor does he breathe loudly. In repose, he breathes through his nose, and not obtrusively.

41. If my foot is tapping wildly, he doesn't put his hand on my knee to calm it down.

42. He avoids Axe. Axe is really, really gross, and all of the guys who wear it only wear it because they don't shower and are covering up their body odour. Then they smell like body odour and Axe, which has the same effect as spraying a floral aerosol in a gas station restroom.

43. While he has a strong sense of irony, he doesn't go in for kitsch. Nor does he insist on being horribly droll and ironic all of the time. There are moments when a quiet sense of appreciation for the way things are is welcome. Looking out on a cityscape at midnight, watching people stream by in the metro.

44. He doesn't want children, not because he doesn't want the responsibility, but because he doesn't want to impart his genes to someone else and mess them up that way. And he appreciates this: Man hands on misery to man. / It deepens like a coastal shelf. / Get out as early as you can, / And don't have any kids yourself.

45. Knows the difference between "nice" and "true."

46. If he has done drugs in the past, he doesn't do them anymore.

47. He isn't clingy. He has to have his own life and let me have my own life, but it's not that either of us would ignore each other -- there's a difference between respecting one's distance and being inconsiderate.

48. At concerts, he doesn't do that stupid head bobbing thing, nor does he dance. Moshing at appropriate concerts is acceptable, but only at concerts which are supposed to be moshed to. At a concert like, say, the Decemberists, he does not do the hipster arms-across-the-chest pose, he will be able to stand ... without looking like an asshole.

49. I will cook dinner if he takes some responsibility and does the dishes, or the other way around. If he sits at the table looking smug as I wash the dishes, not only will I walk out, I will break a plate over his head.

50. He doesn't believe in marriage.

[downpour]

...

[Caligari]

29. He isn't an idealist. I want to be able to wallow in my hatred for humanity, someone who believes in their redemption would only annoy me.

I liked this one, especially coming from someone who was creating the version of an "ideal guy."

Sounds to me like you've built a palisade wall around yourself, in regards to finding your ideal fella (or should I say, fiend?). Ah well, just be happy you know what you want (even if the criteria is lofty). The people who take "anybody who puts up with them" generally have a horrible time with their relationships (I've known a couple people like this, and the results aren't pretty). I think it just depends on whether you're willing to spend your life solo, or if you'll ever want to share it with another/others. And I think if you do want to share it, you're gonna find some way to break down those barriers eventually.

But, hey, if you ever want to discuss music, lit, bookstores, or a general dislike for the television, aim me sometime. I could probably spend hours talking about those topics.

Anyway..

At this point in my life, I've been so overly self-conscious and it's been so damn strange dealing with these transitions in my life, that I don't know what I think anymore, much less what an ideal relationship is for me. So, I couldn't really say, other than the other person/persons must appreciate living in a state of chaos.

[Penumbra]

I made up a list of criteria for "my ideal partner", once.

A couple of months later, I was TOTALLY freaked out when a boy who fulfilled every single criterion except one asked me out.

I think it's because of that one missing criterion that we couldn't get along, in the end.

[nonentities]

I liked this one, especially coming from someone who was creating the version of an "ideal guy."

Hey, I never said I wasn't a hypocrite. :lol:

I may indeed do that, if I can get over my IM shyness. It's a horrible horrible thing!

[Cate Perfect]

Chess, I had an 'ideal mate' list when I was 18 or so. I think it had about 300 entries. But I wasn't picky or anything.

Cate

[Hexpiral]

What's great about that list is that anyone who fails to meet the criteria probably isn't going to like you anyway.

*probably meets about 30 of those requirements* :shock:

[Caligari]

What's great about that list is that anyone who fails to meet the criteria probably isn't going to like you anyway.

*probably meets about 30 of those requirements* :shock:

Yeah, that's why I don't mind the lists. You've gotta be picky, else you're not really going to be too satisfied with any relationship you have.

And the scary thing is, I probably meet about 30 of those requirements too (including knowing about the Decemberists, McLusky, and I think the song "Cathedrals" -- if it is indeed a song by Jump, Little Children.. :?: )

I may indeed do that, if I can get over my IM shyness. It's a horrible horrible thing!

Up to you, really. I'm not going to bite or anything. If you want me to initiate something, pm me your aim and I'll get back to you shortly..

[Shockwave]

eep!

I think I meet about 42 of those requirements and the ones I don't meet are mostly things like specific songs I haven't heard.

Weird.

[Loonita]

I've come to the conclusion that I could only really fall in love with someone exactly like me. (How narcissistic. :roll: ) And since I'm fairly sure that there's no male version of me wandering around, I'm pretty much destined to hack it on my own for the rest of my life. I've been accustoming myself to this with varying degrees of success. Even with me, there's still that stupid hope that I won't live the rest of my life completely alone, but I know that it's going to be true eventually.

Thats pretty much the conclusion I came to as well... its just so difficult. I dont get annoyed easily, but most men bore me after about 20 min chat. And as ell, I want to be the most important person in his life, thats just what it means to be in a relationship.

A perfect relationship for me would mean:

unconditional love

honesty

tolerance

to be able to rely on each other

and, of course, to laugh together, and enjoy every moment when we are together,

but also the freedom and space for each other as much as they need

But i guess, thats really really hard to come up with, at least if you have a weird sense of humor and a high level of energy and activity.

[slatterly]

I'm never going to bother formulating an 'ideal man' list because I don't have requirements. I have some things I like, but if I set down definite criteria I'm going to run across someone who breaks them all and yet is perfect. Because that's the kind of thing my life does to me.

(The fact that I don't have a set 'ideal man' is further proven by the fact that I consider all my characters to be somewhat ideal. And they literally range to the happy-go-lucky extrovert to the guy who wants to curl up in a corner and die. I refuse to box myself in. :) )