i might be transmasc and i'm terrified.

[spacecowboy55]

i'm 18 and i've known i was queer for at least four years now, and labels never really mattered to me, so that's not the problem i'm having here... i just have no fucking idea who i am. it's hard to go through my daily life with that empty space inside me since gender truly does impact so many different aspects of life (which i am only just now realizing).

 

i think i might be transmasc, but i just can't tell at this point. i've been questioning for a long time, even before i knew what being trans or gay was. the dysphoria and negative self-image always come back after i push them away and forget in the same way every time, word for word, too. it scares me. it makes me hate myself to pieces if i'm being honest with you. if i was to do any sort of medical transition like hormones, i wouldn't change anything else about my appearance. maybe i'd try a new haircut, but you get the gist. i like the way i dress, but i hate being read as a woman in my clothes. i hate my name, i hate all of it. all of it.

 

it's hard to even look at my guy friends sometimes because i wish i could be like them. i wish i was born a boy. fuck, reading this back? i think it might be obvious what the answer is. i just need advice i suppose.

 

in the times when its easier to swallow that people see me as a woman, i question whether or not this is all just self-hatred or something else... am i really a guy, or am i a self-loathing woman? i don't know, and i'm scared.

[Frogster]

Please don't hate yourself. You are ok here. Take some time. You are heard and I suspect understood by a lot of people here.

[LeChat]

On 5/1/2022 at 6:03 PM, spacecowboy55 said:

...am i really a guy, or am i a self-loathing woman? i don't know, and i'm scared.

Hi. I just wanted to send you a message of support, to let you know you're not alone. If it helps, I've seen people on other internet forums (in subforums for non-binary, trans men, transmasculine people, etc.) have the same question about themselves,

 

I thought their conversations were interesting, helpful, etc.

[TheAceNinja]

First of all, it's all okay! It's okay to be scared, and it's okay if right now, you're struggling with your identity. It will pass and it will get better!
 

Second, dysphoria and self-hatred are different things, although dysphoria can definitely feel like self-hatred. But dysphoria is specifically related to gender, and what you describe very much sounds like a trans experience to me.
I think it often takes time to understand and accept one's identity, when it's different than the gender assigned at birth. Give yourself time to process all your emotions, even if you've been questionning for some time. it's okay to take as long as you need.
(also, I think self-loathing in a cis woman would probably sound different)

Third, if you feel comfortable labeling / calling yourself a man, then that's what you are. You don't have to look a certain way or fit certain conditions to be valid. You are what you say you are, and no one can take that away from you.
You define yourself!

Sending you big hugs x

[spacecowboy55]

24 minutes ago, TheAceNinja said:

First of all, it's all okay! It's okay to be scared, and it's okay if right now, you're struggling with your identity. It will pass and it will get better!
 

Second, dysphoria and self-hatred are different things, although dysphoria can definitely feel like self-hatred. But dysphoria is specifically related to gender, and what you describe very much sounds like a trans experience to me.
I think it often takes time to understand and accept one's identity, when it's different than the gender assigned at birth. Give yourself time to process all your emotions, even if you've been questionning for some time. it's okay to take as long as you need.
(also, I think self-loathing in a cis woman would probably sound different)

Third, if you feel comfortable labeling / calling yourself a man, then that's what you are. You don't have to look a certain way or fit certain conditions to be valid. You are what you say you are, and no one can take that away from you.
You define yourself!

Sending you big hugs x

thank you so much... this helped me a lot. i'll save this message for next time it gets bad. thank you again ((:

[SilenceRadio]

Trying on the label definitely doesn't hurt! I was still IDing as transmasc a few days ago (I only stopped for... let's say petty reasons and feeling slightly disappointed) and even though I preferred doing that because I was tired of hating being my own gender, it made me feel much better anyway. Plenty of transmascs feel like they might be self-hating women, and I'm not sure the doubt as to whether you're trans really ever leaves. Have you ever experienced gender euphoria, or something similar? Because I would tend to focus on the positive aspects, telling myself that misogyny wouldn't make me like masculine terms more. And I was fine with women in general, I admired them from afar, so I don't think it ever was that either.

 

And even if you were to be a "self-hating woman" somehow, I've heard of a couple of butches who prefer to pass as men, so I don't understand why you should not try being read as a guy if it can stop those feelings. The feelings are there, no matter the cause, so you can deal with them any way you want. There isn't necessarily a "true answer" to things like gender anyway.

[spacecowboy55]

5 hours ago, SilenceRadio said:

Trying on the label definitely doesn't hurt! I was still IDing as transmasc a few days ago (I only stopped for... let's say petty reasons and feeling slightly disappointed) and even though I preferred doing that because I was tired of hating being my own gender, it made me feel much better anyway. Plenty of transmascs feel like they might be self-hating women, and I'm not sure the doubt as to whether you're trans really ever leaves. Have you ever experienced gender euphoria, or something similar? Because I would tend to focus on the positive aspects, telling myself that misogyny wouldn't make me like masculine terms more. And I was fine with women in general, I admired them from afar, so I don't think it ever was that either.

 

And even if you were to be a "self-hating woman" somehow, I've heard of a couple of butches who prefer to pass as men, so I don't understand why you should not try being read as a guy if it can stop those feelings. The feelings are there, no matter the cause, so you can deal with them any way you want. There isn't necessarily a "true answer" to things like gender anyway.

yeah honestly, i feel like internally i just move through life as a guy, but that whole idea comes crashing down when i see my reflection in a shop window or when someone calls attention to my gender... which is really fucking hard to deal with. 

i have experienced euphoria i think, but in kind of weird ways (,: playing guitar with my band is one of em i think. when i got my first leather jacket, a binder (which i can't wear due to medical reasons unfortunately,) just stuff like that. it's so tough that there isn't jut a true answer, i suppose it'll take some more time. hopefully when i move out i can start to figure it out more.

thank you 🙂

[Milque Toast]

13 hours ago, spacecowboy55 said:

i question whether or not this is all just self-hatred or something else... am i really a guy, or am i a self-loathing woman? i don't know, and i'm scared.

this.. this is something I literally started wondering only a few days ago. I'm shocked to see someone else going through this since I barely found anything when I looked online.

I've always been a little worried I was repressing my femininity in a negative way, hating myself as a girl in an unhealthy way. That was until I realised I get a lot of euphoria in dressing up as a femboy! So I mean, that's cool. I like dressing up in very feminine ways but seeing myself as a boy.

 

But I recently got to thinking, do I have internalised misogyny? Seeing as I identify/have identified (since a year ago) as like, everything but female, do I hate being female? Is that simply because I'm trans or does it have to do with something more...? I hate to say it, but there are even things to do with my past that could explain why I would prefer being treated as/seen as a boy. And, especially as a guy, I really don't wanna realise I may have subconscious misogyny.

 

I'm not sure really. I was sort of able to put this to the back of my brain because I think a part of me knows that I'm just a guy, and that's all there is to it.

I just wanted you to know that you're not struggling alone! This really messed me up for a while and I hope you can get out of this tunnel too ❤️ lots of love!

 

[LeChat]

18 minutes ago, Milque Toast said:

this.. this is something I literally started wondering only a few days ago. I'm shocked to see someone else going through this since I barely found anything when I looked online...

 If it helps, here's a list of discussions, all from one site; obviously, there's more than that, elsewhere, around the internet: nonbinary or misogyny site:www.reddit.com - Google Search

[Morays]

I would expect internalized misogyny to manifest in negative views about women generally and not just oneself. That doesn't seem to be the case here. If your aversion to femininity or association with womanhood ends at your own body, that sounds far more like a trans experience than self-hatred -- although as others have stated, dysphoria can certainly feel like the latter.

[Milque Toast]

2 hours ago, LeChat said:

 If it helps, here's a list of discussions, all from one site; obviously, there's more than that, elsewhere, around the internet: nonbinary or misogyny site:www.reddit.com - Google Search

thank you!

[LeChat]

@Milque Toast You're welcome!

[SilenceRadio]

6 hours ago, spacecowboy55 said:

i feel like internally i just move through life as a guy, but that whole idea comes crashing down when i see my reflection in a shop window or when someone calls attention to my gender... which is really fucking hard to deal with. 

I feel you. For me, wearing "masculine" clothes has helped. I've always felt like some of my features were masculine anyway. I think I got so used to thinking of myself as a dude that everytime I would go with my father to shops and other places, it was always weird that they'd say "sir and ma'am". I was always confused, not understanding who they were referring to. I suppose I'm lucky in that regard: most of the time, being misgendered feels more baffling than hard.

 

8 hours ago, spacecowboy55 said:

it's so tough that there isn't just a true answer

Personally, I've find it somewhat liberating. Because I felt like if there was a true answer for me, it would be "cis", partially because I don't really feel trans. It's good that I can pick what's truer for me than force myself to live a truth that doesn't feel authentic.

 

4 hours ago, Milque Toast said:

I'm shocked to see someone else going through this since I barely found anything when I looked online.

I've found some stuff back when I was questioning, which answered the "how do I know if it's misogyny or dysphoria?" question with "You don't" which... wasn't helpful at all. So I just concluded it wasn't a question you couldn't answer. I've brainstormed it a while ago, but otherwise I don't really have much. I just tend not to worry too much about it.

[spacecowboy55]

to whoever sees this, i just want to give a huge thank you for all the support. seriously, i couldn't have gotten it anywhere else. i love this damn website (,:

[LeChat]

You're welcome!

[Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet]

@spacecowboy55 Sending you positive vibes and support your way. 🤗 

[Calligraphette_Coe]

On 5/1/2022 at 6:03 PM, spacecowboy55 said:

in the times when its easier to swallow that people see me as a woman, i question whether or not this is all just self-hatred or something else... am i really a guy, or am i a self-loathing woman? i don't know, and i'm scared.

Life is short and difficult and it's even worse when you're not friends with the Majority of One between your ears. You feel the way you feel, probably for some reason that is really hard to figure out. I know it was for me and I recently turned 68. I had psychotherapy for it, and yet, ironically, without even trying, I still get "Ma'am'd" by the local WalMartians. 

 

Go figure. But I won't start hating myself because they may need glasses or a better understanding of the world.

 

Bob Dylan said it well:

 

Quote

Sometimes I think, the world is one big prison yard,

Some of us are inmates, the rest are guards.