Demisexual and high libido, what do?

[DemiMel]

Hi there, I’m new here so I apologize if I’m repeating something already talked about but I couldn’t quite seem to find an exactly relatable discussion for this topic/question yet so I figured I’d try to start one. 
 

Im pretty certain that I’m demisexual because I almost never experience any form of romantic/sexual attraction for a person unless a specific connection has been formed. Although once I have- BOOM, head over heels. But then I’ve also noticed that I experience a high libido/desire. Like quite often I’ll just have a floating passive desire for sex, just simply no one I feel connected to that I am willing/am interested in committing it to. It’s quite frustrating and lonely, and it doesn’t seem like this experience of high libido is common for fellow Demi folk or general ace folk? Am I maybe confusing my experience for something else? The attraction part is solidly conditional for sure. I’ll have zero desire for anything beyond simple hand holding or a hug with someone I’ve just met, if even, but then once I feel a specific emotional connection and trust it’s like turning on a light switch. It’s just, in contrast to my libido/desire haha, not very common for me find that connection. So high libido and desire for romantic affection, but rare experience of connection to give that desire a place to go. 
 

I’ve been considering just experimenting outside my comfort zone with the concept of fwb but I’m not sure if I’m the right person for that set up and I worry about how that might go. I have up to this point only ever shared sexual affection with someone I felt connected to.
 

If anyone experiences similar to me, what have you done to help find a balance in your love life for these things? I browse dating sites, and am fairly social in general, but I just have a hard time connecting to people in that way, and I feel a little lost on what to do or try or if maybe I’m just being impatient and that’s how life goes lol. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

hi @DemiMel

It's common enough to have libido when on the asexual spectrum. But usually it doesn't amount to a desire for sex, but masturbation, since there isn't a draw to sex with people as someone asexual. A bit different for demisexual people, but would be for when they're bonded with someone after a long while, they might feel that way.

There's other ways to be on the asexual spectrum too though.

As for love life and dating that can be complicated, but I think finding people you like to be friends with first is a good way to start, instead of putting expectations of relationship or sex too soon.

[DemiMel]

Yea it definitely takes me a couple months on average to sort out my experience and either form a romantic centered emotional connection with someone or to confirm if platonic only. Sometimes sooner sometimes later, but around there. That has also been a  difficulty in my dating life because most of the dating pools I’ve experienced just aren’t patient enough to linger and let me sort out my feelings. Maybe I’m just looking in the wrong places, but it just really seems like all avenues of dating options are usually this way. I’m fine with being single and don’t mind being on my own romantically, I just think it would just be a nice bonus in life to share memories with a partner to love too. 

[DemiMel]

19 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

but I think finding people you like to be friends with first is a good way to start, instead of putting expectations of relationship or sex too soon.

This is what I have been trying thus far. I usually need to be friends first before considering romantic possibility, part of that conditional connection thing I guess. It’s just this hasn’t been fruitful so I’m trying to think of what other options may be and I was hoping others could share about their experiences on how they’ve handled things like this to see if it would help

Edited July 7, 2021 by DemiMel
Typo

[Janus the Fox]

Moved to The Grey Area, Sex and Related Discussions

 

Janus DarkFox

Current Policy Administrator, Covering Tea and Sympathy/(h)AVEN, Welcome Lounge, Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings

[BiDemi]

Hey @DemiMel, welcome to the forum, have some cake 🧁  .

 

I would say I have medium libido and am demi, so I get what you're feeling...

 

Like being hungry at a buffet, but not finding any of the food on offer appetising. Do you eat the food even though you don't like it, just to fill the void? Or skip it and stay hungry? There is no "right" answer to that.

 

When I was younger (before the 'demisexual' or 'asexual' labels existed) I experimented a bit, so I did try sex with people I wasn't bonded with or attracted to. For me, it was unfulfilling. To use another food analogy, my arousal is like a soufflé... it rises in anticipation, can feel nice making out with someone, but if I take it further physically without bonding or attraction, it is like opening the oven prematurely and the soufflé sinks... arousal disappears because it isn't sturdy enough by itself, it needs the bonding (or attraction) to keep it up.

 

However, that is just my experience... it may be different for you. And even for me, those experiences date back over 20 years (because I've been in a monogamous relationship for over 20 years), and might not be true for me today - because things can change. The only way you will know is if you try, however that doesn't mean you should push yourself to "try" something if it doesn't really feel comfortable.

 

Sorry I can't give you a definitive answer!

[marot002]

Hey @DemiMel!

 Thank you for posting this. I feel the same way. It wasn’t until I was 25 that I realized I wasn’t fully ace bc that’s the first time I ever felt sexual attraction. But I do have a high libido. I also thought I might be somehow emotionally stunted because I did have sex and even dated I never felt anything even for the guys I was with more than once.  I just assumed that was all I could expect.  And often felt unsatisfied or even disappointed with myself afterwards. 

I don’t have a good solution for you but there are a couple of thing, when you can find them, that have worked for me. The guy for whom I first felt any sexual attraction is now a really good friend of mine. For a few years he was in an open relationship. (I have also become friends with his girlfriend, so I know it’s actually mutually open). Occasionally we would hang out and also have sex - so it was with someone I still felt attraction to with no expectations. And it satisfied me enough not to pursue guys with whom sex would ultimately feel lacking.  

 

I’ve also considered the FWB but that’s hard to find online bc you aren’t friends first and foremost and most people online looking for that arrangement are looking for it now, not when you are ready.
I haven’t explored this avenue myself, but I’ve encountered people in committed open relationships, or looking for nonmonogamous relationships, and also looking to have both an emotional and physical connection with someone. But this way they aren’t waiting on me for sex and I don’t feel at all pressured. I’ve also found many people in ENRs are more aware of different types of sexuality and are more accepting of the ace spectrum. My issue is I feel in most relationships I don’t feel that attraction relatively quickly that I’m leading them on. In this case I feel by not caring if they are nonmonogonous I can be and do, or not be and not do, anything without feeling I am denying anything. (I realize for this last part I should feel confident enough to expect someone who wants to be with me to like me for me, but I still experience guilt sometimes).

This may not help, but your post did. I regularly question whether I fit the Demi mold because I do have sex and have a high libido but identify with so many Demi characteristics. It’s really good to hear your experiences and feel validated in mine. 

[sortabutnotinterested]

Hi, just hopping on to say this is exactly how I’ve experienced sex and relationships (high libido but seemingly no realistic way to accomplish attraction), and lately I’ve struggled to figure out how I should approach a love life. Unfortunately I don’t have any good answers at the moment. But thank you for posting because it feels good to know I’m not alone. 

[alex_zh]

hi just want to say that im also demisexual but also have a fairly active libido and i've also struggled in meeting people in my dating pool who would be patient enough to sort out my feelings.

i've been dealing with my high libido with masturbation since i'm currently not attracted to anybody

 

i don't have much other advice honestly other than avoiding dating apps since they don't allow for the kind of relationship building im looking for that would be better served by meeting friends of friends or going to social events and stuff.

 

mostly wanted to write this since it's nice to know that i am not alone in feeling this way

[caitwrsthndth]

Hi -

 

not sure if this is the right place for my contribution, but I have a similar experience of high libido and (I think) demisexuality. For me, the idea of sex is enough to get me aroused, but I definitely don’t feel sexual attraction to specific people until there is an emotional bond. However, I’ve definitely had physically fulfilling sexual encounters with people despite not having an emotional bond with them. They were never emotionally fulfilling, the way that sex with someone I care about is tho. These experiences have definitely had me questioning my demi-ness, but I decided that I don’t need to gatekeep my identities and am working on being less self-judgy. 

 

As far as your situation goes, I think anything that you think might help / be enjoyable is worth trying. And if it turns out it’s not for you, then you don’t have to keep doing it. 

[DemiQueer]

I have never related to a thread on a forum so strongly before. Especially enough to actually reply! I've been trying to find a way to describe how I experience attraction since I was a preteen. My family and peers always told me it was weird, and I had felt like such an outsider. I've technically always been demisexual, so I didn't get many crushes growing up, which added to the feeling of social isolation. It even spawned a rumor that I was gay becuase I never showed any interest in dating as a teen. (Plot twist: they were right I just didn't know yet LMAO) It's so validating see that I'm not alone in this. My hope for whoever stumbles upon this in the future is that you finally feel seen and validated too! ❤