“Straight passing”

[Aimee03]

Apologies for how long this is...Just diving right in. I only realised that I’m ace and most likely grey(hetero)romantic back in late February of this year. It’s caused me to go into a sort of spiral of thinking about the past, and wondering why I just always assumed I was straight. (Because everyone’s straight automatically, right?)

 

Well, ever since figuring out that I’m ace, it’s like...so...I’m not straight? But I still am attracted in other ways to men, and I never thought that I might be homosexual, because I was never interested in girls. I suppose I realise in retrospect how strange it is, to be in my early 30s and be able to count the guys I went out with on one hand, and to not be bothered about it.

 

I hate dating. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and just not for me. They say one of the key aspects of attraction is proximity. Well, I can go out in public, and guess how many attractive people I see who live around me? None. Yep. None. Even before the pandemic, when I regularly saw more people out and about (and unmasked), I am completely apathetic about the people I see around me, and it has been this way for basically all of my life. Why would I want to date someone if I don’t find them attractive in any sort of way??

 

Nevertheless, I still do find men attractive, just not the ones who are anywhere near me (the ones I see around me are all....just a big nope). 
 

I guess the point of this rambling post is that, the more I think about it, the more I feel like, “oh...I’m not normal? The way I experience attraction (or lack thereof) isn’t the norm like I had assumed?”

 

But there are times, I see a cute guy like on tv or something, and then it comes back, “Am I straight? I’m just some sort of fake straight?” (Lol) I know people around me assume I’m straight, so I guess I’m “straight passing”, whatever that means.

 

The more I think about it, I relate more and more to when Todd on Bojack Horseman said, “I think I might be nothing.”

 

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess what I’m curious about is if other aces feel like they’re “straight passing” or sort of like you’re pretending to be straight. 
 

It’s a weird place for me because I’m not homosexual or homoromantic, or bi or pan, or anything else, but I’m also not heterosexual, and I seem to be some sort of hetero aromantic. But I’m somewhat romance repulsed and sex indifferent, so...yeah. Weird.

 

 

[SithLord]

"Straight passing" is what I see as a form of privilege among the LGBT+ crowd. Bisexuals get this too, when they're dating those of the opposite gender. It's a way we're discriminated against because we're not discriminated against by those outside the community I guess? 

 

I think a lot of heteroromantic asexuals feel this way. Hell, it's one reason many don't consider us LGBT+ at all. It's weird because you're different, but not quite different enough for people to seemingly care. 

[Milque Toast]

I'm not technically out to anyone, but my guess is that they all assume I'm straight, aswell. But, at the same time, all of my friends are aware that sex is not something I enjoy talking about (explicit gore and heavy topics either, for that matter), so I guess those more "woke" people I'm friends with might be guessing that I'm asexual. And they'd be right, lol. Otherwise, literally everyone else would assume each other to be straight unless they specifically came out.

 

Personally, I don't consider heteroromantic asexuals 'straight', because I define 'straight' as heterosexual. With both parts of the word included, heteroromantic, does not fit inside of heterosexual. I hope that makes sense.

Not to mention, straight people aren't harassed. Asexual people are.

Harassment is not a criteria for being part of the LGBTQ+ community, but it also isn't the 'norm', which counts as queer in my book. 

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

[Ace Of Dragons]

3 hours ago, Padparadscha said:

Personally, I don't consider heteroromantic asexuals 'straight', because I define 'straight' as heterosexual. With both parts of the word included, heteroromantic, does not fit inside of heterosexual. I hope that makes sense.

Not to mention, straight people aren't harassed. Asexual people are.

Harassment is not a criteria for being part of the LGBTQ+ community, but it also isn't the 'norm', which counts as queer in my book. 

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

When I first discovered that I was heteroromantic asexual I believed or at least I wanted to believe that I was straight, after all it was a big part of who I thought I was, but the more I researched and thought about it is the less straight I felt. Straight people expect sex at the end of the date and think of it as getting lucky, while I have to explain how that is anything but lucky to me. Straight people don't have to do explain that they are heterosexual, but I have to explain that I am asexual. Knowing how sexually incompatible I am with a straight heterosexual that I don't believe that I can have anyone that isn't ace as my romantic partner. That in itself would only be a straight-passing relationship, and not straight in itself. As for as me myself being straight goes, I what you to consider this, what is the main reference with straight from gay, lesbian, bi and pan. If you say that straight is considered the default and the normal then you would be correct. Any deviations from the default or normal like asexual is not really straight, but straight-passing. The aces that say they are straight can if they want to, and I will around cishets, but you have to remember that heteroromantic asexuals are so straight-passing that they can even fool themselves. I hope this clears things up for some people.

[KayleeK]

7 hours ago, Aimee03 said:

But there are times, I see a cute guy like on tv or something, and then it comes back, “

You can still be asexual and find people cute or attractive. The question is do you want to have sex with them. You can be attracted to people for different reasons, just aesthically good looking, or a great personality, or an emotional/love connection - thats different from feeling like having sexual interactions with them.

[Techie]

If you are heteroromantic or biromantic, it is not difficult to be considered "straight". In fact, it can also be confusing to ones self, as it was for me, being heteromantic. Not realizing that sexual and romantic attraction were two different things, it was 40+ years until I realized I had one and lacked the other.

 

I have noted that in some LGBT circles, they consider biromantic and homoromantic ACE's to be "acceptable" to their group but not heteroromantic. I do not feel part of that community but it is interesting to me from an academic standpoint that several have their own standards for inclusion.

[daveb]

4 hours ago, Techie said:

In fact, it can also be confusing to ones self, as it was for me, being heteromantic. Not realizing that sexual and romantic attraction were two different things, it was 40+ years until I realized I had one and lacked the other.

Quite so. I have always found some women attractive and had crushes and feelings. But I never knew I didn't have any interest in sex until I was finally in a relationship that lasted long enough that sex was on the table (er, bed). And even then I thought there was just something wrong with me, like lack of experience so late in life or something. So all along I was "straight passing" even to myself.

[Aimee03]

On 4/4/2021 at 7:02 AM, Techie said:

I have noted that in some LGBT circles, they consider biromantic and homoromantic ACE's to be "acceptable" to their group but not heteroromantic. I do not feel part of that community but it is interesting to me from an academic standpoint that several have their own standards for inclusion.

I was just thinking about this. I don’t think of myself as queer, but it’s like a strange feeling of not quite belonging in either space.

I think I’m still in the state of processing everything in regards to my asexuality and romantic orientation, since I only realised earlier this year, and as far as I can remember, I had never thought about it before at any other point in my life. 
It’s a strange thing; suddenly realising the way you experience attraction isn’t the norm for most people. 

[Aimee03]

On 4/3/2021 at 9:24 PM, Ace Of Dragons said:

but you have to remember that heteroromantic asexuals are so straight-passing that they can even fool themselves.

Ha! Very true. Currently I’m sort of floating around in a confused bubble of: “Am I straight? Am I not? I don’t think so, but....” you get the idea.

 

I’ve read some firsthand accounts of straight people talking about their relationships and how important sex is to them, and oh boy, did that make me feel like the odd one out. 

(If you want to be freaked out like I was look at r/deadbedrooms on Reddit).

 

I feel so silly since I’m only seeing some of this stuff now, at my age. But I suppose that’s what happens when one’s family is of the sort who never speaks of sexual things, and I never thought of it at all when I was growing up.