Question for asexuals in their 20’s who doesn’t want children

[Guest]

How do you deal with the pressure to get children, and if you have a partner does your he/she/they agree and respect that you’re not going to have any children?

[Lord Jade Cross]

Not in my 20's anymore but I've always said that I didn't want kids since way before then.

 

Short answer is, you just do. People will try and to push the having kids idea. From "it's normal" to "everyone has them" to "you can't wait too long" to "who's gonna take care of you when your older" to "won't you be lonely?" to "youre being selfish", the list goes on and on and on.

 

You will rarely be able to convince people otherwise no matter what route you take: financial, psychological, societal, etc. People just have the "must have children" wedged between their eyes and no one stops to question it.

 

As for partners, no experience in that department but just the same, if someone didn't respect you enough to understand that you don't want them, you shouldn't waste your time with them.

 

 

[Raindrops]

I don't like children and I've made it clear to my family that I'm not comfortable around them. It's fully accepted in that way. As for society, I don't listen to it. 😗
If I ever get a partner somehow, they'd already know I don't want kids before they date me. I'd only date someone who knows me inside and out. 🙂

[Homer]

My 20s are long gone, but here are my two cents anyway.

 

There have been questions along the lines of "Don't you want to have a SO at some point?" or "What about children?", but I don't (and didn't) consider that to be "pressure". Pressure is "Do X or else" and that's something I have never experienced when it comes to starting a family. My go-to response is to ask for people's reasoning. I have yet to hear a reason for entering a relationship or breeding that can't be debunked within five seconds.

[Phalena]

For me, in Germany, it's still quite chill. I'm in Uni and in my early 20s, so almost everyone around me wants to finish their studies first. It's quite normal that people don't have children prior to their 30s. If I wouldn't study but would have chosen an "Ausbildung" which is faster (but is lower in the hierachy of education) I'd be under much more pressure because, well, I'd get a full-time job faster. People getting different types of education is closely tied to social background and that also molds the time-frames for certain "life-expecations". But once I'll be 30, oh boy, will I be in for a ride. Women and men are (lowkey) considered broken and even scary when they stay childfree for their entire lives. Though some claim that it's worse for women. If so, that's to be explained with the course of history...

[elmas]

Hi! I am an ace in my twenties and dont want children. I dont feel much pressure when it comes to that though. And I think for me the key here is that I removed myself from an environment where that pressure exists. Of course we cant escape that completely, but I think its important to surround oneself with people and communities that dont put this sort of pressure on you. My close friends for example dont want children themselves and I would say in my wider circle of friends no one would find it weird not to want children. For me, the media I surround myself with is also very important. I consume a lot of queer media (books, TV shows, podcasts etc.) and of course I dont want to imply that queer people dont have children. Its more that queer communities are so much more diverse and full of different lifestyles in contrast to the heteronormative worldview we grew up with where only one lifepath seems to exist. I think "found families" are a big theme in queer media. The idea that you can make your own family and that they can have many diverse forms. 

I dont know if its at all helpful to you, but for me (and my sanity) its vital that after I had a conversation with my mother for example, I can talk to people or read about people that share my convictions. I know that my mother deep down believes that having children is a basic requirement to achieve happiness in life but I also know that the people I surround myself with do not believe that.

[Asexu_owl]

1 hour ago, Phalena said:

For me, in Germany, it's still quite chill. I'm in Uni and in my early 20s, so almost everyone around me wants to finish their studies first. It's quite normal that people don't have children prior to their 30s. If I wouldn't study but would have chosen an "Ausbildung" which is faster (but is lower in the hierachy of education) I'd be under much more pressure because, well, I'd get a full-time job faster. People getting different types of education is closely tied to social background and that also molds the time-frames for certain "life-expecations". But once I'll be 30, oh boy, will I be in for a ride. Women and men are (lowkey) considered broken and even scary when they stay childfree for their entire lives. Though some claim that it's worse for women. If so, that's to be explained with the course of history...

Is it really that bad, that people are considered broken and weird if they don't want to have kids in Germany? I moved to Munich only two months ago and I'm really hoping Germans will be tolerant of ace people because I know they're super accepting of gays. Are you German yourself, or a foreign student studying in Germany?

I'd met plenty of Germans overseas who were 40+ and childfree, but having said that, people do tend to emigrate when they don't fit into their own country, so if Germans are judgemental about being childfree, then that might partly explain why they left Germany. 

[Homer]

1 hour ago, Phalena said:

I'd be under much more pressure because, well, I'd get a full-time job faster.

What would that pressure look like, in your opinion?

[Phalena]

53 minutes ago, Homer said:

What would that pressure look like, in your opinion?

"You got a job, so you can marry and have kids. Why would you wait?" I don't know. Sometimes it's subtle, sometimes not. If everyone in a wider circle of acquaintances did certain things in life the same way, then they kind of except one to do the same. And I guess my family won't react in a pleasant manner when realising I won't change my mind (like they're telling me) because they became very defensive with my different choices of education already. It was as if I challenged their life-style by being different. I'm expecting a huge bullshit bingo in the near future. Once I'll have finished my studies and earn money I don't have "an excuse" to not have children anymore.

[Phalena]

1 hour ago, Asexu_owl said:

Is it really that bad, that people are considered broken and weird if they don't want to have kids in Germany? I moved to Munich only two months ago and I'm really hoping Germans will be tolerant of ace people because I know they're super accepting of gays. Are you German yourself, or a foreign student studying in Germany?

I'd met plenty of Germans overseas who were 40+ and childfree, but having said that, people do tend to emigrate when they don't fit into their own country, so if Germans are judgemental about being childfree, then that might partly explain why they left Germany. 

I am German and most people around me are also. I'd say depends on your bubble, social status, education, general mindset, like in all places I guess. Those things. I'm not sure about Munich. It's quite the big city, so I expect the people there to be more used to very different life-styles. My home region is very rural, and most people are quite old, that might not be helping my case. In general, the Germans seem to be quite conservative when it comes to family overall though since more and more articles and books about being childfree and being treated differently for it were published within the last few years. It seems that people don't feel like they have an actual choice.

 

And yes, I can imagine that it might be one reason for people to leave the country. Many people around me (all ages) also say that Germany isn't a very-child-friendly country overall. They are convinced that politics are only made for the middle-aged and old people (but not very old) because they are in the majority (and their votes secure an election) and because of that the younger generations are forgotten. The school system has been suffering greatly in the last 30 years. My grandma also often complains about how the old are ruining the opportunities of the young. And since one's social background is very important for the life options of a child will have it's also bad that the amount of "simple people" in politics are getting lower. I think the new classism debate will get big in the near future.

 

I started to ramble, sorry.

[Lord Jade Cross]

2 hours ago, Homer said:

What would that pressure look like, in your opinion?

Anything from passive aggressive comments to full on demands in the realms of "In waiting for my grandchildren" or "when are you going to give me grandkids" or "my friend/co-workers/general aquaintances/etc all have grandchildren" to "you're waiting too long to give me my grandchildren" to being creepy and trying to basically set up or arm twist you into dating someone of their choice. And that's only the family.

 

Culturally, you're expected to have on average 2-3 kids and only 2 if you manage to have a pair of one boy, one girl. If not they push for 3 and in some cases it goes up to 5.

 

I shit you not, one of my cousins has 3 girls and the comments in the last family talk was "We tried but couldn't get a boy" as if the whole thing was like catalog shopping.

 

Not complying tends to generate views/comments of anger, disappointment, ridicule (calling you immature, childish, insecure, stupid, making excuses, the list goes on) and in some cases, public humiliation, as in being put on the spot and told that you're being cruel and insensitive because you don't want to "bless" your parents with a child. Yes I have been in that spot. 

 

 

[LeChat]

2 hours ago, Phalena said:

...I started to ramble, sorry.

 I didn't mind; I appreciated reading your experiences and thoughts about life, social pressure, etc. in Germany.

 

 

3 hours ago, Homer said:

What would that pressure look like, in your opinion?

I think, generally, others mean they're being repeatedly pressured (i.e. repeatedly bothered, asked, etc.) by others ( e.g. strangers, co-workers, family members, etc.) about why they're single, don't want children, etc.

 

Having others always expect them to answer others' questions and explain themselves, their choices, etc. is pressuring someone.

 

51 minutes ago, Comrade Jade Cross said:

...I shit you not, one of my cousins has 3 girls and the comments in the last family talk was "We tried but couldn't get a boy..."

Yikes! I'm also feeling sorry for the three girls if they've heard that because that really could give an impression as if they really weren't wanted, that their parents really preferred having a boy, instead of them.

[Lord Jade Cross]

14 minutes ago, LeChat said:

 

Yikes! I'm also feeling sorry for the three girls if they've heard that because that really could give an impression as if they really weren't wanted, that their parents really preferred having a boy, instead of them.

Thankfully, they are all young and were not present that day so even if they had heard, I would hope that they would quickly forget about it.

 

But this kind of talk is rather common amongst the culture and people here, so save for those of us that find it, distasteful, to say the least, no one bats an eye about comments like this. 

[riskygamble]

My parents/family know me as gay so they've never expected children anyway. It wasn't really pushed on me either before I came out. I don't think I've ever come across as someone who would be fit to be a parent, in other words.

 

My partner and I have had the possible adoption discussion but both of us are in the same camp of not really wanting kids. I feel more strongly about it than him, but the sentiment is the same.

 

It's never been pushed on me socially and I'm already past trying to uphold any sort of societal expectation placed on me so I hardly think about it.

[Guest]

My family used to bug me with the typical "you'll want them eventually", and up to a point, my extended family said the same. This was mostly before I learned about asexuality and came out to them as ace. After that, ironically I haven't had any pressure - it must be that they assumed asexuality equals no desire for kids, since I basically told them I wasn't going to have sex. I haven't really felt the need to correct them - works for me

 

I find it really annoying in general though. Like wtf? If someone says they'll eventually want kids at a young age, nobody bats an eye. If someone says they'll never want kids, especially in their later years, everybody in their circles loses their minds. Double standards much!

[Asexu_owl]

5 hours ago, Phalena said:

I am German and most people around me are also. I'd say depends on your bubble, social status, education, general mindset, like in all places I guess. Those things. I'm not sure about Munich. It's quite the big city, so I expect the people there to be more used to very different life-styles. My home region is very rural, and most people are quite old, that might not be helping my case. In general, the Germans seem to be quite conservative when it comes to family overall though since more and more articles and books about being childfree and being treated differently for it were published within the last few years. It seems that people don't feel like they have an actual choice.

 

And yes, I can imagine that it might be one reason for people to leave the country. Many people around me (all ages) also say that Germany isn't a very-child-friendly country overall. They are convinced that politics are only made for the middle-aged and old people (but not very old) because they are in the majority (and their votes secure an election) and because of that the younger generations are forgotten. The school system has been suffering greatly in the last 30 years. My grandma also often complains about how the old are ruining the opportunities of the young. And since one's social background is very important for the life options of a child will have it's also bad that the amount of "simple people" in politics are getting lower. I think the new classism debate will get big in the near future.

 

I started to ramble, sorry.

I've definitely heard Germans complain about the childcare situation (prior to Corona), as apparently childcare is expensive and in short supply in Germany. Which then means one parent (usually the mother) has to give up work because childcare is inadequate.

 

I grew up mostly in New Zealand after my British parents decided to move out there, but NZ is very 1950s and everyone is expected to marry and produce children. I've got lesbian friends, and they and I (me being ace) have received lectures from middle-aged men in NZ who say lesbians and women who choose to be single are selfishly holding out on men who end up unmarried and childless thanks to women like us who choose a happy life as childfree and carefree beings 😁 It's crazy how being a happy single female is viewed as unacceptable there. But I'm really surprised to hear the rural areas of Germany are like that too 😮 In the UK, people don't care what you do as it's none of their business, so you can be gay, ace, childless or whatever you want.

 

[Phalena]

14 hours ago, Asexu_owl said:

I've definitely heard Germans complain about the childcare situation (prior to Corona), as apparently childcare is expensive and in short supply in Germany. Which then means one parent (usually the mother) has to give up work because childcare is inadequate.

 

I grew up mostly in New Zealand after my British parents decided to move out there, but NZ is very 1950s and everyone is expected to marry and produce children. I've got lesbian friends, and they and I (me being ace) have received lectures from middle-aged men in NZ who say lesbians and women who choose to be single are selfishly holding out on men who end up unmarried and childless thanks to women like us who choose a happy life as childfree and carefree beings 😁 It's crazy how being a happy single female is viewed as unacceptable there. But I'm really surprised to hear the rural areas of Germany are like that too 😮 In the UK, people don't care what you do as it's none of their business, so you can be gay, ace, childless or whatever you want.

 

Tzz, do they "at least" say that to gay men, too? It goes both ways, if at all. But bad jokes aside, That sounds super awful! Nobody even asked for their opinions.

[Libellule]

I'm 26 and don't feel pressure to have children yet as I just started building a career for myself. However, having children is something that seems to be assumed everyone wants, and I get mildly annoyed at the "you'll experience this one day when you have kids of your own" comments. And the "you'll change your mind when you get older/meet the right person/whatever" is even worse. Nowadays I just stay quiet when other people talk about it and hope they don't ask me anything because I really can't be bothered.

 

I'm not in a relationship, but I could not see myself getting into a relationship with someone who didn't respect the fact that I'm not going to have children. Actually I don't think I'd get into a relationship with someone who knows for sure that they want children because I kind of feel like I'd just be wasting their time.

[Asexu_owl]

On 2/20/2021 at 12:16 PM, Phalena said:

Tzz, do they "at least" say that to gay men, too? It goes both ways, if at all. But bad jokes aside, That sounds super awful! Nobody even asked for their opinions.

That's a good question (gute Frage). I have honestly never heard a gay man complain that they've been accused of being selfish for not having kids. But I think that is perhaps because gay men have less options in that regard? Some gay male couples would love to adopt a child, but many pregnant women choose a straight couple when they select which couple will get the baby. And surrogacy isn't really big in NZ because I think there are still laws preventing women from receiving payment to do it, so she misses out on work and gets no compensation if she acts as a surrogate. It's different for lesbians, of course, and I've heard of lesbian couples being pregnant at the same time using the same sperm donor. So lesbians are still expected to have kids to keep society happy 😂

As for women being selfish for not marrying a man, that is largely because it leaves single men without a wife to do the cooking and cleaning for him. So she's seen as selfish because she deprives a man of someone to do his laundry and ironing etc (someone to care for him). One lesbian couple means there are two single men left with no one to care for them (according to the way these older people think in NZ). Gay males are viewed as being capable of doing their own laundry and ironing (and they do a good job of it - they always look clean and tidy, from what I've seen). 😎

[Asexu_owl]

On 2/22/2021 at 10:13 PM, fairyofsuburbia said:

I'm 26 and don't feel pressure to have children yet as I just started building a career for myself. However, having children is something that seems to be assumed everyone wants, and I get mildly annoyed at the "you'll experience this one day when you have kids of your own" comments. And the "you'll change your mind when you get older/meet the right person/whatever" is even worse. Nowadays I just stay quiet when other people talk about it and hope they don't ask me anything because I really can't be bothered.

I read an article once about a woman who just tells people she is infertile because it is the only way to stop all the silly comments ("you'll change your mind," "you'll regret it," "he'll leave you for a woman who gives him children"). Even though lying about being infertile isn't the "honest" thing to do, it certainly shuts down all the comments immediately 😂

[SpaceDustbin]

You just sort of have to ignore it, and it will stop eventually. At least, it did for me after I turned 30. The peak of people bothering me about getting a bf so I could have children "in time" was when I was 27, because apparently by that age you're still "salvageable", but by 30 you're too old, especially if you're single

... at least, if you believe my old boss and some other people. (that same boss also told one of my colleagues to get rid of her cats if she wanted to get a boyfriend (and children later on)... like... how does that even equate?! )