Seeking Feedback - a "sex plan" for saving my marriage to a sexual partner

[anisotrophic]

@PetalsOnTheShamrock without meaning to say you aren't asexual, I want to say that the things your spouse is doing is insensitive to you needs and liable to mess up any sexuality you might be capable of.

When my partner started to identify as asexual over two years ago, I became much more careful and attentive to what he needs to "get in the mood". He told me what way to ask works best, and I knew never to expect that he would spontaneously want it – but that if I asked correctly, and the context was right, he could get into it. I accept I have to ask & he'll have to get into the mood.

 

So… after a couple years, I've come to think of him as fitting a more "responsive desire" pattern (I think you should look this stuff up) – maybe he doesn't want it or think about it or even "want to be wanted", but he can get into it. To which he's said "whatever works for you". You may want to read about responsive desire, or maybe to the point, maybe your spouse should.

 

If he wants to be overtly desired, he's not going to get it. If he wants you to get into the mood instantly: also not going to happen. It's not something you can change about yourself. These patterns are also much more common in women. And – as someone who was a woman, with a male partner like this – I'm not feeling very sympathetic to his position.

Suck it up and show some respect and empathy. He didn't marry a dude. And even if he did, turns out not all guys are like that either. He married another person, not his twin, and people are different – and they deserved to be loved for who they are, not expected to want the same things you want, and in the same ways you want them.

 

The way he's behaving towards you, with resentment or entitlement, is creating a mess. I don't know if it's recoverable, but it sounds like it's indicating some broader issues in the marriage – patterns of miscommunication, avoidance, resentment, lack of empathy, etc. God knows, there's plenty of other things that can go wrong, and they can all connect sometimes.

 

Oh – regarding the morning pattern for us – it's not like he has to get up, and I fetch a washcloth for him to clean himself after. He goes back to sleep & I'm a lot more likely to get up when the baby wakes and let him sleep in extra that morning.

[PetalsOnTheShamrock]

2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

It also sounds like one of the big issues may not so much be the sexual activity itself as it is the type of interaction he wants with his partner (e.g., he wants to be clearly and overtly desired, not accommodated).

Yes.... that is another part of it that gives me anxious and want to avoid sex.  He wants me to be really into it.  Into it to the point of talking dirty (especially talking dirty about myself and about how I'm such a horny little slut that wants to be fucked).  I do it for him, but it really sucks, I hate it.  And I suppose that's part of why it takes a lot for me to work up to being okay with having sex / "getting into the mood".

He asked me several years ago to be open minded and be willing to try BDSM.  Which I did, and participated in for 1-2 years.... In some ways it was easier because it was an agreement that if he said to do something, I'd do it, but overall it really did eat me up inside overall to do it.  Say the stuff he wanted me to say, pretend to be into things I wasn't.  Felt humiliating and degrading, etc.  For him, he loved it.

It's been a few years now - since we moved houses... I just "never unpacked the stuff"..... And - this may be completely untrue/unfair! - now it feels like his whole thing of making me be the one to tell him what I want in the bedroom is punishment because I don't "ask" to have "the collar" put on anymore (which for those that aren't familiar with BDSM, that's part of the thing - the "slave" has to ask the "master" to put a collar on them at the beginning.  That's when it all starts and the "slave" is giving control to the "master" to do what they say to do or be "punished" until the "master" removes the collar).

 

1 hour ago, anisotrophic said:

If he wants to be overtly desired, he's not going to get it. If he wants you to get into the mood instantly: also not going to happen. It's not something you can change about yourself.

This is very true.  I looked up "responsive desire", thank you for that.  I'm not sure if I fall into that - because even when I'm "warmed up" I can't remember the last time I actually wanted to be having sex even though my body parts told me that certain things felt good....  but between "responsive desire" and "spontaneous desire", I probably am 100% "responsive desire"......   it does suck having to go through the warming up stage.  I dislike foreplay (kissing, rubbing, playing with my breasts, etc.).... the moment foreplay starts I just think to myself, can't we just get to the sex, the sooner the sex starts, the sooner the sex is over.

 

Gotta say, I'm really appreciative you're so accepting and in tune with your ace partner @anisotrophic ❤️ 

[ryn2]

17 minutes ago, PetalsOnTheShamrock said:

He asked me several years ago to be open minded and be willing to try BDSM.

Unfortunately the bedrock on which successful BDSM - with or without sex - rests is both partners’ ability to both speak honestly and listen effectively/respectfully.  Humiliation scenes are fine if both parties are into it, e.g., but outside the scene the person being humiliated (typically the sub) has to genuinely consent to it (and inside the scene needs to be able to tap out).  That means the sub has to feel comfortable being honest and the dom needs to accept what the sub says.

 

If the dom is essentially humiliating (or whatever) an unwilling sub who is not actually consenting and enjoying it... well, that’s minimally really bad BDSM etiquette.

[ryn2]

E.g., one of my very close friends loves pain play, including being whipped.  However, she makes it clear that it is not okay to let the tip(s) wrap around her ribcage and cut her or to mark her skin anywhere clothing will not cover.

 

Someone who goes ahead and “oops” does either does not get a chance to play with her again.  It’s not the kind of game where there’s room for “I know you said x but I thought a little y would be okay”...

 

...or for “you didn’t really make your wishes clear but I went ahead anyway because what could go wrong?” for that matter.

[PetalsOnTheShamrock]

I don't want to make him out as a monster.  It was nothing like that.  We had a safe word, and used stop light colors as well.  Though I admit, I only used all that for pain related stuff.  It's on me that he didn't know how much I wasn't into it all.

There was only a few times when I guess there was anything close to a "humiliation scene" where it was making me do something pointless and watching me do it while he did something else (like standing, naked, on my tip toes holding bits of paper to the ceiling - which through force of will I did for-ev-er because I was f-ing pissed this was what he was having me do), so that stuff just pissed me off more than anything - I just felt it was a waste of time, just get to the sex stuff and be satisfied so I can take a shower and go to bed.   In those instances I told myself I hadn't been hurt, just needed to be open-minded, that's what he had asked for.... so it's on me that I didn't tell him at the time I absolutely hated it.

 

It was the being forced to talk dirty which I hated the most and just find absolutely humiliating, degrading, you name it.  Outright lies about hyper sexuality.  And having to make up "I did something bad, I need to be punished". was just BS.  But that was the fun part of the game for him - he loved the talking, and when I didn't "resist" in order to be "bad", or try to say I had done "bad things" that day that should be "punished" - he would be upset, because then there was no game.  Again, that's on me that I didn't tell him I hated that stuff.  I could tell that he enjoyed it so much and I was trying so hard to be open minded to the whole thing to try and save our marriage.  there were only a few times I broke down crying over it and I just told him at the time it was overwhelming.  So again.... I feel like I'm the one to blame for not being more honest.

[ryn2]

17 minutes ago, PetalsOnTheShamrock said:

I don't want to make him out as a monster.  It was nothing like that.  We had a safe word, and used stop light colors as well.  Though I admit, I only used all that for pain related stuff.  It's on me that he didn't know how much I wasn't into it all.

Understood, but it sounds like it wasn’t/isn’t an environment where you felt safe saying “you know, I know you like my verbally humiliating myself but... I just don’t enjoy it and don’t want to do it anymore.”

 

Some of that may indeed be on you for not saying it but from what you’ve described it’s not clear he would have taken that well and graciously scratched it off his list of things to ask for.

[PetalsOnTheShamrock]

9 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

from what you’ve described it’s not clear he would have taken that well and graciously scratched it off his list of things

Yes, I felt - and still feel - if I were to say it, it would be taken as yet another "outright rejection" of him.  That all I offer are problems when it comes to sex, and I remove everything that makes it enjoyable for him.  

I'd expect him to be upset about it, take it really personally, get defensive, and then ask me what I want him to be like in the bedroom. 

 

And then I'm at a lost - because the truth is I don't want anything in the bedroom.  I've told him "I want to make him feel good" but he hates that answer. 

[Guest]

Honestly, as a sexual person in a dom/sub dynamic.... I would be so grossed out by sex and BDSM with your partner I would want nothing to do with any of it either. 

 

My partner and I go over scenes and assure consent with it all beforehand then if she is at all uncomfortable with something during we stop. We only do stuff we are both into. And I never get upset with her for not wanting to do a BDSM thing. She's my sub, she's in charge really, I'm just pretend in charge to take care of her. 

[ryn2]

That’s definitely under the umbrella of bad BDSM etiquette, then.  BDSM isn’t supposed to be an avenue for passive-aggressively acting out about relationship problems.  It requires the highest level of trust and effective communication, whether between friends, play partners, or romantic partners. 

[anisotrophic]

When you try to tell him, if he doesn’t feel sick and miserable about it, he’s not believing you & you aren’t getting through. I went through a period where I felt terrible about pushing my partner & consent. Filled with nausea & sickened by what I’d done. He assured me I never broke consent, said there was once or twice where I got close but he was consenting to it. That I didn’t, couldn’t know that he just couldn’t desire stuff like that... he was just wanting me to be happy.

 

It’s a rough revelation to have. But if it’s not had, that’s even worse.

[anisotrophic]

So like, I don’t have advice on how to tell him. I brought the concept of asexuality to my partner. I went to see a therapist about my gender, and by the end of my second session she suggested my husband might be asexual. One evening with google & it was like all sorts of fragments & pieces just came together in the most horrible way. I can still remember it vividly, sitting with my phone, as my kid was in the bath...

 

Anyway. I think the most important conversations after that were me asking questions about his experience. He had no fantasies, he wasn’t hiding anything, he really never had any, ever. If he ever did masturbate, it was rare & to relieve physical issues — didn’t think of anything while doing it. Found me flirting with him & “hitting on him” stressful, even though he tried to play along. No daydreams of sexual thoughts (even “sensual”), just... nothing.

 

I believed him, maybe because I was prepared to already. And... he didn’t realize I experienced those things, or what it was like. I talked about how I experienced desire. So... he learned about me, too.

 

PS to add, after this I saw the same therapist a ton after to cope & become okay with it. She asked questions that made me angry but ultimately helped, like “why do you need him to desire you?” Sex change was a cakewalk in comparison, didn’t need to talk about that so much after all. 😂

[Guest]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

That’s definitely under the umbrella of bad BDSM etiquette, then.  BDSM isn’t supposed to be an avenue for passive-aggressively acting out about relationship problems.  It requires the highest level of trust and effective communication, whether between friends, play partners, or romantic partners. 

Yeah... he sounds like he's following 50 shades of grey version of BDSM

[PetalsOnTheShamrock]

11 hours ago, Serran said:

My partner and I go over scenes and assure consent with it all beforehand

So, I guess this is on me for not knowing this is something you're supposed to do, but we never did that.  I never knew what was going to happen and how long it was going to go on for.  Part of what made it so anxiety inducing for me and why I've opted out of continuing BDSM since we did the house move.

 

10 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

When you try to tell him, if he doesn’t feel sick and miserable about it, he’s not believing you & you aren’t getting through.

So I guess that's another thing.  It's like he doesn't understand there's a physical reaction to stimulus vs. what I actually desire.  Just because something "feels good" doesn't mean I actually want it.  A good example of this - and again, this is my fault for letting this happen - is on the BDSM contract I put oral (for me) as a soft limit.  Having him go down on me is literally my least favorite thing ever.  I'd rather try anal.  I can't get over how disgusting oral makes me feel, I don't care it also feels good at the same time.  I left it on there because he was so strongly encouraging me to try new things and anything that wasn't a hard no, to be open to it - and i already felt I crossed off at least 80% of the stuff on the contract (I'm not big into pain play, I don't want to touch water sports, etc. etc.).   And so it really upset me whenever he decided to do oral anyway - always when tied up - and make me tell him how much I was enjoying it, etc.  Just - horrible.  Looking back at it, I should have just said it was a hard limit, and during the act told him no, but I just didn't feel that was an option at the time.

 

But if he had told me about "the scene" ahead of time, I wouldn't have agreed to do it. 

 

Feels like I'm screwed up my sex life a lot.

 

--------
 

14 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I want to say that the things your spouse is doing is insensitive to you needs and liable to mess up any sexuality you might be capable of.

So now I guess I'm a bit uncertain.  I thought it was pretty clear cut that I'm asexual, but maybe I'm not?  I've been with my husband since I was 15.  He's the only partner I've ever had.  I've never talked about my sexual experiences before, so I never thought too much about how normal or abnormal *they* where... I've always just thought there is something wrong with me because I don't enjoy or desire sex.

 

When I think about life before him though, I still remember not feeling normal.  Clearly remembering being 10 and in 5th grade when everybody learns about reproduction and the girls get all giggly and stuff.....  never for me.  It was just "oh, okay, that's how everything works."  And then in middle school when everybody starts getting celebrity crushes and gah gah over boys..... nothing.  Zilch.  I just couldn't understand what the big deal was.  It took a while for me to get my first crush (at 12.5/13) - and it definitely was a "romantic" one, because it was one of my best friends formed after knowing him for a while - not physical in any way, and it confused me because I didn't desire anything "with" him like my friends talked about.... I didn't even want to kiss him. So I figured I must not really like him that much.

 

Same thing happened with my husband - we met online, became good friends after 6+ months, he was super into me and he was really special to me.  I fell in love with him romantically, but all the physical stuff..... that was all for him, I was uncomfortable from the start doing anything.  And never enjoyed kissing.  Never have "felt" anything with a kiss.  

 

So when I try to think about it objectively, and take all my less than stellar sexual experiences off the table, it feels to me that asexuality still holds up as being "right".  But... maybe not? Maybe 2 decades of unenjoyed physical/sexual experiences have just turned me off sex completely?

[Guest]

1 minute ago, PetalsOnTheShamrock said:

So, I guess this is on me for not knowing this is something you're supposed to do, but we never did that.  I never knew what was going to happen and how long it was going to go on for.  Part of what made it so anxiety inducing for me and why I've opted out of continuing BDSM since we did the house move.

No. Its not on you. The dom is the one with the responsibility to ensure the subs safety and consent. So its on him. He never properly researched the safe, sane, consensual aspects of BDSM. Sounds like he took his BDSM from porn and 50 shades of grey. Which is not only gross, it is also dangerous. I'm glad you never let him do pain play, cause it sounds like he would have done it dangerously. I do pain play and rape fantasy stuff with my sub, but she is always safe and if I ever, ever made her feel unsafe then I would feel awful. That's why we make sure consent is there for any scene we do well before. If she wants surprised in a scene then she can tell me beforehand that is what she wants. But I would never spring it on her. 

 

Also... if someone says its a soft limit you had better go over exactly how they are OK with it happening and you never push it. Soft limit means "don't like it, but may be OK in certain situations" ... not "oh yeah let's do it and love it". 

 

Sorry, but your partner would make sexuals repulsed to sex with his gross ideas around consent and the ... rape culture ideal of just cause your body reacts you have to like it. He sounds a lot like my ex who made me repulsed by sex to so much of an extreme that I began fantasizing about castration. Your sexual repulsion is perfectly normal given his lack of respect for your boundaries that you have voiced (like the no bedtime sex and putting things as soft limits). 

 

[anisotrophic]

5 minutes ago, PetalsOnTheShamrock said:

When I think about life before him though, I still remember not feeling normal.  Clearly remembering being 10 and in 5th grade when everybody learns about reproduction and the girls get all giggly and stuff.....  never for me.

Not for me either. And I didn’t have my first sexual interactions — and I didn’t want it — until I was 18. I’m not into kissing, either (it’s messy and gross?)...

 

So... you have some long patterns you’ve gotten into & very little knowledge outside it & it’s just really hard to know much about what “could” be or could have been. I think stress & resentment & not having your boundaries of non-desire respected are anaphrodisiacs for lots of people. Repeated over time, without any experiences to the contrary, yeah, it’s reasonable to have trouble even imagining ever wanting it.

 

And that’s ok, btw. You don’t have to want sex to be a whole person.

 

It’s hard to know if the necessary trust and safety are recoverable after bad patterns set in. Your partner would probably need to make you feel loved & secure without needing to *ever* have sex, to have any hope of you feeling positive about it again. That might not be possible with all the history, it needs him accepting responsibility & probably needs therapy for both of you — not to “fix” you, but to improve the whole relationship. If he’s not willing to put in that effort, please value yourself!

 

I think it’s good to note “I let that happen” — I let some awful patterns set in (not sex) in our marriage & owning my own role in letting someone treat me in ways that hurt me has been important.

[Guest]

 

 

 

Quote

So when I try to think about it objectively, and take all my less than stellar sexual experiences off the table, it feels to me that asexuality still holds up as being "right".  But... maybe not? Maybe 2 decades of unenjoyed physical/sexual experiences have just turned me off sex completely?

See, I thought I must be ace too cause didn't like sex and didn't masturbate (at all). No interest in porn or anything. 

 

However, I got in with my lovely wife and after 6 months together, we began to have sexual feelings for one another. Her respect for me and the feeling of total safety she gave me lead to those sexual feelings. If I show even a little discomfort she immediately ends whatever and we cuddle. If I'm not feeling up to being a dom, we do something else. 

 

Edit: to add, doesn't mean you are not ace. Just, with your particular partner... negative about sex is understandable and if you had more respect of boundaries you may feel less negatively towards it. Its OK to never want it though. 

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Serran said:

No. Its not on you. The dom is the one with the responsibility to ensure the subs safety and consent. So its on him.

100% this!

 

1 hour ago, PetalsOnTheShamrock said:

on the BDSM contract I put oral (for me) as a soft limit.

A BDSM contract is not “one and done.”  As time goes by, people learn things about themselves.  Things inside and outside of play combine to affect their preferences.  So, it is both normal and reasonable to periodically (whenever needed!) revisit the contract and amend it.
 

That includes adding hard no’s that weren’t in the past... but can also include things you didn’t want to try but now do.

 

1 hour ago, Serran said:

Sounds like he took his BDSM from porn and 50 shades of grey. Which is not only gross, it is also dangerous.

*nods*
 

1 hour ago, anisotrophic said:

I think it’s good to note “I let that happen” — I let some awful patterns set in (not sex) in our marriage & owning my own role in letting someone treat me in ways that hurt me has been important.

Agreed, but from the standpoint of “this is a place I didn’t look out for myself, so I need to be more attentive going forward” rather than from a “this is all my fault because I let it happen” perspective.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, anisotrophic said:

So... you have some long patterns you’ve gotten into & very little knowledge outside it & it’s just really hard to know much about what “could” be or could have been. I think stress & resentment & not having your boundaries of non-desire respected are anaphrodisiacs for lots of people. Repeated over time, without any experiences to the contrary, yeah, it’s reasonable to have trouble even imagining ever wanting it.

This.  I’ve found it very hard to determine whether or not I am ace after a long relationship where I was not sexually attracted to my partner.  It’s one of those things where you may need to go with the label that works... until it doesn’t.

 

I also found that my then-partner latched onto my potential asexuality as the root cause of all our issues.  Not that I was not to some degree at fault, but he took it as a get-out-of-jail-free card and decided I’d ruined his life for him.  Just putting that out there so you’re prepared...

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, Serran said:

Soft limit means "don't like it, but may be OK in certain situations" ... not "oh yeah let's do it and love it". 

I meant to add something to this above but didn’t.

 

It’s also okay to have a soft limit on a particular thing AND to have a hard limit on certain types of behaviors about it.  The act itself and any performance you may be asked to do around it are two distinct things.

 

E.g., suppose restraints are a soft limit.  You don’t like them but under some circumstances they may be okay.  Pretending to enjoy them - begging for them, acting excited to see them, acting excited to have them on - may be more than you are willing or able to do.  That would be a hard limit.

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, PetalsOnTheShamrock said:

So when I try to think about it objectively, and take all my less than stellar sexual experiences off the table, it feels to me that asexuality still holds up as being "right".  But... maybe not? Maybe 2 decades of unenjoyed physical/sexual experiences have just turned me off sex completely?

Either of these is possible.  Fortunately you don’t really need to figure out which it is just yet.

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I meant to add something to this above but didn’t.

 

It’s also okay to have a soft limit on a particular thing AND to have a hard limit on certain types of behaviors about it.  The act itself and any performance you may be asked to do around it are two distinct things.

 

E.g., suppose restraints are a soft limit.  You don’t like them but under some circumstances they may be okay.  Pretending to enjoy them - begging for them, acting excited to see them, acting excited to have them on - may be more than you are willing or able to do.  That would be a hard limit.

Yeah, absolutely. Saying yes to something and saying yes to verbally acting out of something are not the same at all. 

 

Example... I don't mind doing a lot of things. But my hard limit is verbal. I will not talk dirty. Doesn't matter what we are doing, I am not gonna dirty talk about it. 

[PetalsOnTheShamrock]

Thanks @ryn2, @Serran, @anisotrophic.... super helpful.  Really getting me thinking and giving me a different perspective.  As I said, I've never talked about any of this before and I for some reason I just wasn't thinking about how much it could be connected to the "problems" and lack of interest I have with sex..... the dread for intimacy of any kind that could lead to sex.

 

The two elements from our BDSM time that have "crossed over" into what seems like the majority of bedroom time now is (1) the dirty talk - which as I've spoken about, I hate, and (2) a neutered version of pain play.  Though I don't know if it's really right to call it pain play.  I know people can get really into pain play and even at the height of what we were doing, it was still quite tame.

The pain stuff I understand in an academic sense.  There's some kind of physiological response in the body that some kinds of pain will actually heighten arousal and therefore increases sexual desired.  That's why he asked me to try it, and that's why I was willing to... again, part of the "be open minded".  But I redlined the stuff in the contract that just seemed cruel, like using any implements that are designed to damage the skin, knife play, etc.

 

So the pain stuff was the only times I ever couldn't stand it anymore.  I'd push myself to endure, but then would tap out and safe word when it was too much.  But the part that really got to me is that I didn't understand why he'd want to do it.  It seems like there's a "here, do some pain and sure enough, it triggers a physiological response.... great....." why go past that point?  He'd get disappointed when I'd start using the stop light colors if my bum "hadn't even started glowing yet", or if his "hand didn't leave a mark". So I'd just grit my teeth and try to bear it. But it just was so upsetting - why did he want to hit me?  There were non spanking types of pain play, but those he seemed more sensitive to listening to what was okay or not - for example the first time he tried electricity it went really wrong, I safe-worded out and broke into tears, and he was okay with not trying it again.

 

But now it's partially crossed over with (just) spanking becoming a normal part of bedroom life, and with it is the comments have come too - if I complain and tell him to go softer and he "teases" me about my "tolerance" and about how I "used to be able to handle so much more".  I can't help it, I just don't understand what's so fun about the teasing and the verbal game he wants to play around it - or if he's really trying to push me, or what.  And if he really is trying to push me to do more - why?

 

And.... ::deep breath::..... here's the really messed up thing.  My father abused me throughout high school.  Not sexually, just physically.  Don't feel bad for me, it wasn't that bad, most kids that are physically abused get it way worse than I ever did - his go to was backhanding me, so worse I ever had was a few black eyes, busted lips, and bruises.   My husband knows all this - he met me in high school, he's the one I turned to during that period of my life.

 

So perhaps that's why it's extra hard for me to understand why he wants to go harder than I say I want.... because part of me is like "WTF do YOU get out of hitting me?"

[Guest]

Also just a note to OP: I'm not saying he's a bad person. But I am saying he's a bad sexual partner. It sounds like he is getting his ideas from erotica and that never ends well. Erotic material is never a portrayal of healthy sex. It is unhealthy but appealing to the lizard brain. It is dangerous when people try to take it to real life. 

 

And honestly the more you talk the more grossed out I get about it all. You know how hard you have to spank and for how long to leave a mark with just your hand ? I have never left a mark on my wife and I've done it extensively to her. They sell toys made to leave marks without real damage because it is so hard to do with just your hand. I did it once to myself making a video for my wife (we are LDR at times so I make private videos for her use when we are)... and it took like 5 minutes straight hitting the same spot to leave a mark. And that frickin hurt for a week. Any marks have to be 100000% OK with the sub or that is abuse, not BDSM and you should not be "teasing" and pushing them to let you. 

[ryn2]

2 minutes ago, PetalsOnTheShamrock said:

But it just was so upsetting - why did he want to hit me?

See, this is a place where... maybe “he’s gotten it all backwards” is unfair... but things have gotten off-track.

 

For pain play, both parties should like it (it doesn’t have to be arousing - while BDSM and sex are often linked, they don’t have to be - but both parties should find something about it enjoyable).  In general a dom should not spank a sub who does not enjoy being spanked, and a sub should not ask to be spanked by a dom who does not enjoy spanking people.

 

So, the answer to your question should be “he likes hitting me because I like being hit.”

[PetalsOnTheShamrock]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

I also found that my then-partner latched onto my potential asexuality as the root cause of all our issues.  Not that I was not to some degree at fault, but he took it as a get-out-of-jail-free card and decided I’d ruined his life for him.  Just putting that out there so you’re prepared...

When you say "get-out-of-jail-free card" do you mean that he just decided he could break up with you and blame everything on you?  And tell all your friends, etc. that it's your fault and that you'd been lying to him, etc. and it's ruined his life?

And yes.... I'm trying to prepare myself for the different options.

 

Options as I see them:

1. He's totally okay with it, he's onboard with never having sex ever, and we figure things out.
2. He wants to put the effort in to find a compromise that will work for both of us.  We figure something out.
3. He decides he can't live without sex, or knowing that I don't want to have sex with him of my own volition.  He wants a divorce.
4. I decide that I don't want to compromise, so even if he goes with #2, no bueno on my side. Divorce.
5. I decide there's enough other issues about trust, communications, compatibility, etc., that even if he goes with #1, no bueno on my side. Divorce.

 

Right now I'm feeling pretty lost.  When I was feeling like "it's all my fault" it very much felt like I should pursue #2 as hard as possible,  with #1 being  just a pipe dream, and #3 being my biggest fear.  But with the discussion, and the talk with my friend, 4 & 5 have come up as real options I need to think through and understand how I feel about them before I approach him with my thoughts about being an asexual.

[ryn2]

1 minute ago, Serran said:

I'm not saying he's a bad person. But I am saying he's a bad sexual partner. It sounds like he is getting his ideas from erotica and that never ends well. Erotic material is never a portrayal of healthy sex. It is unhealthy but appealing to the lizard brain. It is dangerous when people try to take it to real life. 

This!  We don’t know him well enough to know if he’s a great guy or not, or what his endearing characteristics may be, but it’s clear from what you’re describing that he’s gotten his BDSM education from a poor source.

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

See, this is a place where... maybe “he’s gotten it all backwards” is unfair... but things have gotten off-track.

 

For pain play, both parties should like it (it doesn’t have to be arousing - while BDSM and sex are often linked, they don’t have to be - but both parties should find something about it enjoyable).  In general a dom should not spank a sub who does not enjoy being spanked, and a sub should not ask to be spanked by a dom who does not enjoy spanking people.

 

So, the answer to your question should be “he likes hitting me because I like being hit.”

And yes omg this...

 

Why do I enjoy spanking my wife? Because she loves it. Why does she love it ? Because it is an act of mutual trust and vulnerability. She loves it because she can trust me to not go beyond her tolerance levels (because we discuss them extensively). She loves it because she knows my overall goal is to take care of her as I pretend to punish her. The goal is to make her feel helpless while also feeling safe in the knowledge she can surrender herself to me and nothing she doesn't want will happen. It strengthens the bond between us and fosters a sense of trust and comfort. 

 

What he is doing is ... just ugh. That's why BDSM gets a bad rep and no self respecting sub would let him touch them with a 10ft pole. 

 

Edit: think of BDSM as like the falling backwards and trusting someone to catch you exercise. My wife falls (let's me have control of her body) and trusts I will catch her (never go beyond what she has expressly consented to, or if I accidentally do then I will stop and never complain about it). By that causing no injuries (broken trust by not respecting her boundaries) we trust each other on a whole other level. 

[ryn2]

1 minute ago, PetalsOnTheShamrock said:

When you say "get-out-of-jail-free card" do you mean that he just decided he could break up with you and blame everything on you?  And tell all your friends, etc. that it's your fault and that you'd been lying to him, etc. and it's ruined his life?

It was more complicated than thst but, yeah, basically, he decided “my orientation” was to blame for all his problems.  That’s how he portrayed it to his friends; we didn’t have friends in common.  It took him a long time to actually leave but as we did not part friends I don’t know if he still views it that way.

 

I’ve come to see it as just... sad for him, I guess?  If he isn’t at all introspective about what went wrong he’s just going to repeat everything with his new partner.

[ryn2]

6 minutes ago, PetalsOnTheShamrock said:

Right now I'm feeling pretty lost.  When I was feeling like "it's all my fault" it very much felt like I should pursue #2 as hard as possible,  with #1 being  just a pipe dream, and #3 being my biggest fear.  But with the discussion, and the talk with my friend, 4 & 5 have come up as real options I need to think through and understand how I feel about them before I approach him with my thoughts about being an asexual.

It’s a lot to think through.  Would it be helpful to talk through some of it (alone) with a counselor so you can get an idea what *you* want before tackling what he wants?

[Guest]

Another thing... most doms I follow on social media try out things on themselves before doing it to their sub just to be sure they can do it right without hurting their sub.  So, like I spanked myself to bruises, but I have never done it to my sub. She wants me to, but thats a thing we are slowly working up towards because it can cause damage if you do it wrong. And if you don't know their tolerance levels, you can go beyond it without meaning to in trying to do something to leave marks. So that's a will work up to it ..  not a dive in head first and hope it works. 

 

Doing it and complaining about you safe wording it is *exactly* the behavior from 50 shades that BDSM communities called abusive in those books. Like... he is literally doing everything that the guy in that book did.