A rant about "misidentification"

[everywhere and nowhere]

I have just listened to a recently archived broadcast of the Polish Radio about asexuality and one thing struck me again, although I have already previously noticed it. I have also seen other people, such as Julie Sondra Decker, mention it, although my perspective is slightly different due to my own sex aversion and, therefore, my focus on sex-averse asexuals as the more vulnerable group which is likely to be more affected by people's concern about possible "misidentification".

At some point the journalist who was leading the broadcast asked one of the speakers, a psychologist, something like: "What advice would you give to a young person who is questioning whether they are asexual or whether they are emotionally blocked because, for example, there was violence in the family?". Actually, I fully understand that it's usually a good thing for a journalist to play devil's advocate. A good journalist should present a balanced perspective. But still, for me it sounded invalidating. (I also deeply disagree with the idea that it's always either asexuality or some problems which can make a similar impression - I mean that people who seem asexual for a clearly identifiable reason still have a right to decide that they are better off without experiencing sexual desire and, should they pursue therapy, to explicitly make a reservation that they are not seeking a way to "reclaim their sexuality" and are asking the therapist to respect their preference.) And again I felt very strongly that people are so concerned about the possibility that an allosexual person could, for some reason, misidentify as asexual and "reject their chance at experiencing sexual satisfaction". But they hardly ever care about the reverse: about asexual people who, due to invisibility, invalidation or attempts at presenting asexuality in a very restrictive way (that, for example, trauma, illnesses or anxiety preclude it from being "real asexuality", that only people who are asexual for no identifiable reason and have always been this way should have a right to consider themselves asexual), might try forcing themselves to have sex-including relationships because everywhere they are told that it's "normal" and that no person can be happy without it.

As I mentioned, due to my sex aversion I pay special attention not so much to the possibility of asexuals "misidentifying as allosexual", but rather more specifically to them having unwanted sex as a result. But it shows just a serious consequence of such a possibility, a consequence which - unlike in case of allosexuals avoiding sex because of misidentifying as asexual - can't be undone. Yes, not all asexuals are sex-averse and for some, in fact, having had sex was important in establishing that they really are asexual. But I have seen asexuals who didn't listen to their inner voice and sex was such a horrible experience for them that months later they kept wishing that they could turn back the time. I don't want people to suffer unwanted sex, I care about it much more than about people who might not have sex they actually want. After all, the right to not have unwanted sex comes before the right to have desired sex (which is always limited by other factors, such as the other partner's consent). And a lot of people don't even notice the problem because they can't understand that for some people sex can only be a traumatic experience.

[NickyTannock]

That was a concern of mine for a long time, as I'd think my past trauma invalidates my Asexuality.
I'd never mention it outside of these forums either, for fear that people would have the same thought.
I've only learned to accept myself because I know that sex isn't something that I want.

[budgieghost]

Nowhere Girl,

I just took a screenshot of your comment, because it is so well-written and profound.

As a single Ace in my late-20s, I often question or am questioned about my openness to experience when it comes to dating, so much so that it creates a lot of anxiety. Reading this, I'm reassured that it's okay to listen to my own instincts in this area. Of course it's fine and great for Ace people to experiment, but there are not enough resources about how to do so safely, especially given the huge external pressure to have sex that some Aces face. I have noticed that asexuality is conspicuously absent from most discussions about consent, the assumption being that consent is sexy and comes to those who wait. There is an undercurrent of conversion therapy in most concerns about misidentified asexuals and the idea that an Ace must "always keep an open mind" about sex often has a sinister edge. It sends mixed signals to Aces who have hopefully also been taught physical autonomy. (I don't know if the journalist in your comment spoke in this way, but I'm sure many of their audience might.)

My hope is that as asexuality becomes more visible, there will also be less panic about misidentification. As you point out, misidentifying as Ace for a while is extremely low-risk, whereas the opposite has hurt too many people. The more acceptance there is, the less disturbing a lack of sexual attraction will appear overall.

Tl;dr: Thank you for your post.

[Guest]

I love the term "undercurrent of conversion therapy" because I feel that is exactly what it is. Person doesn't want sex, never did, way past puberty, had opportunities and there will be someone out there saying "no but wait did u consider you might have a trauma from back when you were 3 and you should go through therapy to sort things o" when it's clearly, like, not bothering them. If anything feeling left out in a world where everyone seems to comfortably label themselves as anything-sexual is the worry. Because then you're sitting there like "...yeah, but. Can't relate? HELP???". 

 

Idk but I agree with you loads. It's one thing if you're actually irrationally frightened by the idea and it is disabling. It's another if you're just, huh ... Not interested. But it took me quite some time/reading to realize this bc yeah, ... Non mainstream thoughts 

[budgieghost]

32 minutes ago, Hanas said:

I love the term "undercurrent of conversion therapy" because I feel that is exactly what it is . . . Non mainstream thoughts 

Yeah, it's also just absurd that people feel entitled to ask about someone else's possible trauma. As if anyone wants to discuss that! Ace people suffer because of exclusion and not. because. they're. ace. Even if they have other emotional issues, how does that make Aceness the problem? Eesh. TG for AVEN.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, budgieghost said:

Yeah, it's also just absurd that people feel entitled to ask about someone else's possible trauma. As if anyone wants to discuss that! Ace people suffer because of exclusion and not. because. they're. ace. Even if they have other emotional issues, how does that make Aceness the problem? Eesh. TG for AVEN.

*hug* I guess we just have to struggle through it huh. 

 

Speaking as someone who fits the description to a T and has tried like 10 different therapists throughout life. 

[budgieghost]

29 minutes ago, Hanas said:

Speaking as someone who fits the description to a T and has tried like 10 different therapists throughout life. 

Wow, I am sorry you've had to deal with that. *hugs*

[Some Call Me Tim]

I haven't come out to many people, but my wife is one of them.  She is a tantric massage therapist.  Her professional life is devoted to personal development through sexuality.  We've been talking about it for over a year, and she still does not grok asexuality.  She once or twice suggested that maybe there was some trauma or other dysfunction in play.  I even talked to a couple therapists about it.  (I am also on a study course for becoming an art therapist myself).  But nothing changed.  I don't experience desire like she does, and that has absolutely zero negative affect on my life.  At first, she didn't get it: it's outside the realm of everything she ever lived and learned, and she is familiar with many sexual dysfunctions.  But because our conversations were based on real openness, respect and love, a really great thing came out of them (great for me, at least): a clarification of the definition of dysfunction.  That is, it's only  a dysfunction/disorder/disturbance, if it negatively affects the life of the person "suffering" from the condition or of those around them.  She still doesn't really understand how I experience my sexuality, but she does accept it.