My partner has very recently expressed feelings that indicate he could be asexual, what advice could you give me to take it less personally?

[Caligoheart]

So, I know I might sound selfish from the title but this was so unexpected that I fear I'm not handling it as gracefully as I would like. He has always portrayed himself as a (very) sexual being so I'm honestly feeling a bit perplexed on how to approach this! That being said we've always had a bit of a disconnect when it came to physical intimacy so I'm trying my best to be as supportive a partner as I can now that he feels comfortable enough to share this part of himself with me.

 

This disconnect however finally forced a conversation about a week ago. He recounted the story of sexual nature to me and I confessed that our disconnect was making me feel unconfident in our intimacy and I wanted to talk about it.

 

He became exceedingly upset which at the time seemed strange but after being pushed to talk he admitted to me that he had been somewhat dishonest.

 

He shared that he has no sensitivity, so sexuality has never been part of his identity. He has some drive but his infrequent masturbation is more about a stress release than an intimate moment. He asserted that he isn't asexual but the more he continued to describe his feelings about sex and his distance from it the more that I felt like that may be the case.

 

I don't want to give him any label that he isn't comfortable with of course but he did explain a lot of feelings of doubt and shame , and this seemed like the best place to get advice. 

 

He continued by assuring me that he does find me very attractive and desirable just not in the same way that I might feel. He also continued by saying that he didn't want me to change my behaviors at all (sexual/flirtatious) because he enjoyed the intimacy just again not in the same way. He finished the conversation by saying he hoped that this wouldn't change anything between us and hopefully this new perspective would make me feel less rejected.

 

So, honestly I'm feeling a whole bunch of different things.

 

1) I feel manipulated and that's probably the most upsetting part. He actively deceived me into thinking he's something he's not for some reason I don't fully understand yet. Why pursue a (sexual) relationship if you don't like sex? Why create a (sexual) persona if that's not who you are? I feel like he didn't give me a a chance to see what an authentic relationship with him would be like.

 

2) I honestly do feel rejected, because after all this time of him recounting past conquests and sexual preference in an attempt to make me believe he is very sexual I feel like it's now an attraction problem with me. If he can do all these sexual things why doesn't he want to share that side of himself with me ?

 

3) I feel sad for him. Because I love him regardless. If he told me today sex was off the table forever I would stay with him and totally be okay with that. So why mislead me ?

 

All that being said I do see all the ways that he loves and cares for me. He buys me flowers frequently, he constantly and specifically tells me how appreciated and loved I am, he goes out of his way everyday to make my life either easier or more enjoyable. It's just hard to see more of his perspective when I show affection differently !

 

If I can get any additional perspectives from anyone that would be so very helpful! I would love to hear from anyone who identifies as asexual and what passion and romance looks like for them. I'd also love to hear from anybody in my position and how they learned to cope with some of those feelings of rejection.

[badbunny ll bonnie]

As an ace person and based off what I've heard other aro/ace people say, from my perspective I don't think him hiding it was for the sake of misleading or deceiving you, but rather to try and make you happy. He may have thought that perhaps that you'd be happier with him if you thought he saw you in a sexual light and that the feelings were mutual between you two in terms of sexual attraction. This is not to say that he thought you couldn't handle it or thought you were going to reject you in anyway. From the perspective of someone with anxiety, it's more of a feeling that it would change something and was just a fear tactic and think up and hyperfocusing on a worst case scenario. Plus this is something very difficult and personal to bring up. Maybe he may have been struggling with these thoughts for a long while but didn't know how to tell you. I can't be fully sure of course but yeah this is just my perspective on why. I understand why you may feel deceived but try to understand his perspective within this. Also don't try and label him as anything. He could or could not be ace and whatever is fine, but he should figure himself out without being applied to labels.

[Guest]

56 minutes ago, Caligoheart said:

So, I know I might sound selfish from the title but this was so unexpected that I fear I'm not handling it as gracefully as I would like. He has always portrayed himself as a (very) sexual being so I'm honestly feeling a bit perplexed on how to approach this! That being said we've always had a bit of a disconnect when it came to physical intimacy so I'm trying my best to be as supportive a partner as I can now that he feels comfortable enough to share this part of himself with me.

Very sexual how? Many people can enjoy sensual, flirtatious and even semi-sexual things but not be "fully sexual" in the way the majority are. He could honestly enjoy a lot of what he did, but not the way you do, as he says. 

 

56 minutes ago, Caligoheart said:

 

This disconnect however finally forced a conversation about a week ago. He recounted the story of sexual nature to me and I confessed that our disconnect was making me feel unconfident in our intimacy and I wanted to talk about it.

 

He became exceedingly upset which at the time seemed strange but after being pushed to talk he admitted to me that he had been somewhat dishonest.

 

He shared that he has no sensitivity, so sexuality has never been part of his identity. He has some drive but his infrequent masturbation is more about a stress release than an intimate moment. He asserted that he isn't asexual but the more he continued to describe his feelings about sex and his distance from it the more that I felt like that may be the case.

No sensitivity as in...? Physically? Emotionally? What? 

 

56 minutes ago, Caligoheart said:

 

He continued by assuring me that he does find me very attractive and desirable just not in the same way that I might feel. He also continued by saying that he didn't want me to change my behaviors at all (sexual/flirtatious) because he enjoyed the intimacy just again not in the same way. He finished the conversation by saying he hoped that this wouldn't change anything between us and hopefully this new perspective would make me feel less rejected.

 

 

Honestly, as I said, he could be telling you the truth. Human sexuality is so vast! Like, I adore my wife and we have a sexual connection (neither of us IDs as ace), however neither of us can please a "fully sexual" person in a traditional relationship. We just can't. We don't connect to sex like our exes did. Neither of us likes traditional sex acts like they did (PiV/oral/anal). So, we both struggled sexually with trying to please someone that we just couldn't, until we found each other. So, even though we both have sexual desires and love our sex life...  our feelings with sex are vastly different to a lot of people and it's hard to find compatibility and it was a one in a million chance we found each other. 

 

56 minutes ago, Caligoheart said:

 

1) I feel manipulated and that's probably the most upsetting part. He actively deceived me into thinking he's something he's not for some reason I don't fully understand yet. Why pursue a (sexual) relationship if you don't like sex? Why create a (sexual) persona if that's not who you are? I feel like he didn't give me a a chance to see what an authentic relationship with him would be like.

As I said above, he could desire / find you attractive and he may even be sensually  or even his own version of sexually into you. Just not the way you are into him, or want him to be into you. Has he said he doesn't like sex at all? Or does he just not like it the way you like it?

 

Also, it's really easy for NRE and limerence to cause you to act differently in the early stages of a relationship vs the reality of what it looks like long-term. Due to this, many aces do end up acting more sexual than they are later on. "My partner wants this so I want it!" is NRE ... that fades and the ability / excitement to just do whatever your partner loves fades too with it. 

 

56 minutes ago, Caligoheart said:

 

2) I honestly do feel rejected, because after all this time of him recounting past conquests and sexual preference in an attempt to make me believe he is very sexual I feel like it's now an attraction problem with me. If he can do all these sexual things why doesn't he want to share that side of himself with me ?

I had sex like 3,000 times before I met my wife. PiV, oral, anal ... everything and anything to try to find what I like. Turns out, kinky hand jobs is about the only thing that ended up being my thing. *shrug* I could give you a long list of "sexual conquests" I have, but I didn't actually want any of them. Did he actually enjoy all that, or was he figuring himself out by doing it? I wouldn't compare anything to his past, unless he's saying "Oh yeah I LOVED sex with that hot girl there, but not with you"... cause, chances are, if he isn't that much into sex then he didn't much enjoy all those past conquests either. I count ... maybe two out of the 3,000+ times I had sex as positive. And that's because it helped me heal from a trauma, not because I actually enjoyed it. The only enjoyment I've found from sex has been with my wife, she's the first person I actually have wanted in any way at all. Our past means... very little to our actual desires. 

 

56 minutes ago, Caligoheart said:

 

3) I feel sad for him. Because I love him regardless. If he told me today sex was off the table forever I would stay with him and totally be okay with that. So why mislead me ?

He might not even have meant to mislead you. It sounds like he is struggling to still figure himself out and feels guilty / shamed for not being like "most men". It may still take a few years for him to figure himself out the rest of the way. 

 

He could also be "grey-a" - where he is semi-sexual but not enough to really work for a sexual partner without some serious compromise. 

[Caligoheart]

23 minutes ago, Serran said:

Very sexual how? Many people can enjoy sensual, flirtatious and even semi-sexual things but not be "fully sexual" in the way the majority are. He could honestly enjoy a lot of what he did, but not the way you do, as he says. 

I guess it was just confusing to me, ya know? Like his humour is very sexual and he talks a lot about sex and sexuality in general. Like for example if he sees a celebrity/stranger he thinks is attractive his go to is always a humourous innuendo about wanting to have sex with them.

 

I understand humor , conversation and sensuality/sexuality are all different and separate things. I also understand that even serious fantasizing about improbable scenarios is a different thing too. But I guess I didn't expect them to be so different in his case. Honestly it makes it harder to not share intimacy with him when he jokes about everyone else he finds attractive.

 

23 minutes ago, Serran said:

No sensitivity as in...? Physically? Emotionally? What? 

 

All of the above? He mentioned physically specifically but when I asked if he enjoyed giving without receiving any pleasure himself he seemed just as uninterested. It seemed that the lack of importance stemmed from having no physical sensitivity and everything else stemmed from there. 

 

 

23 minutes ago, Serran said:

As I said above, he could desire / find you attractive and he may even be sensually  or even his own version of sexually into you. Just not the way you are into him, or want him to be into you. Has he said he doesn't like sex at all? Or does he just not like it the way you like it?

 

 

More of the second I think , he just doesn't like it the way I do. Like he will participate occasionally but it's just kind of nice for him because I like the intimacy but nothing special or interesting for him. I guess it makes me feel selfish for indulging though, which I know I shouldn't because I do things all the time for him I wouldn't necessarily go out of my way to do otherwise. 

 

He has also told me our relationship is actually the most physically intimate he's ever had.

 

23 minutes ago, Serran said:

had sex like 3,000 times before I met my wife. PiV, oral, anal ... everything and anything to try to find what I like. Turns out, kinky hand jobs is about the only thing that ended up being my thing. *shrug* I could give you a long list of "sexual conquests" I have, but I didn't actually want any of them. Did he actually enjoy all that, or was he figuring himself out by doing it? I wouldn't compare anything to his past, unless he's saying "Oh yeah I LOVED sex with that hot girl there, but not with you"... cause, chances are, if he isn't that much into sex then he didn't much enjoy all those past conquests either. I count ... maybe two out of the 3,000+ times I had sex as positive. And that's because it helped me heal from a trauma, not because I actually enjoyed it. The only enjoyment I've found from sex has been with my wife, she's the first person I actually have wanted in any way at all. Our past means... very little to our actual desires. 

Yeah I totally get that because not even sexually there is a thousand thousand choices I've made that I wouldn't make again or that I would change but at the time I guess I was confused about his motivation? Why tell me all these sexual stories if he didn't want me to see him sexually? It never seemed to be presented as a learning experience or even a negative experience but more of "this is a fun story about me!"

 

I guess reading over your points I'm having a hard time untangling things! I not only understand but appreciate that our pasts have little to do with our current relationship but I almost feel like a whole mess of string has been dumped in my lap and I have to untangle it. 

 

Like what part of his sexuality is just humor, what is just his past, what does he want now, does he even want sex now? I feel like in past relationships these things were easier to pull apart but it seems like he was embarassed and kept it from me so I'm working on it in the dark.

[Guest]

Sounds like maybe you two need to have a serious talk to figure out where you both are and where you can meet in the middle. But, I would say I can see why asexual wouldnt make sense to him. He sounds like maybe he just doesnt find sex that important. Which... some don't. My ex didn't find it romantic or emotionally important, but he liked it in the physical sense.. if he lost physical pleasure I bet he wouldnt really much want it. I can see why having someone remark on finding other people attractive would hurt though if he doesnt want you. 

[Memento1]

Hi @Caligoheart!  Welcome to AVEN.  I can see how confused, unappreciated, and hurt you're feeling over this: it's common for it to feel like an emotional bombshell.  It sounds like he's acted very sexualized for so long, and still does, so you're confused about why he does that, and you want to know why he didn't tell you his feelings earlier.  Is that right?

 

These answers of course ultimately need to come from him, so I'll only offer my own thoughts, which may or may not reflect his experience.

 

On 4/9/2020 at 1:27 PM, Caligoheart said:

Why pursue a (sexual) relationship if you don't like sex? Why create a (sexual) persona if that's not who you are?

Asexuals (or those who fall under the asexual umbrella) are a small minority in a very sexualized world.  Most people feel disconnected, shamed, abnormal, and rejected by being a minority.  It can be deeply distressing to be so different.  A lot of minorities will try to fit in and blend in with the majority in order to feel normal.  This deception can be purely external (knowing they are different internally, but fearing rejection if they show it outwardly), but often involves at least some internal deception (trying to believe they actually are like everyone else, and just have to get more comfortable with it - fake it 'til you make it).  People in the majority often can't understand why it's hard for minorities to accept themselves, because it's easy to accept yourself when society does.

 

A lot of asexuals try to pass as normal sexual beings for a long time - not just to others, but to themselves; trying to convince themselves that they just need more practice, that they can learn to like it, that it'll go away with time.  There's often a very strong people-pleasing function: having sex makes others happy, and making other people happy makes the asexual happy, so it works out for everyone - why rock the boat?  Most people, when told their partner doesn't desire sex the same way they do, will feel rejected, undesired, and unloved.  The desire to not inflict this hurt on the partner is strong - in this case, until it became obvious the hurt you were already feeling was stronger.

 

So, it's very possible he's been lying to himself for a long time, thinking it was best for both of you.  You WERE misled, and it's normal to feel angry about that.  He was misled as well.  I hope you can share in your mutual grief and hurt about that.  All of what you're feeling is normal and okay.  What you do with it can tear the two of you apart or bring you closer.  You have spoken of him with compassion here, so I believe you can come out of this stronger.