Figuring things out

[Sneugens]

So.... Uh.... Hello everyone.

 

As the title suggests, I'm basically here to figure things out. I guess I should start by introducing myself. My name is Reese[stalk me, murder me, frankly my dear I don't give a damn], I'm a 26-year-old dude and I've been questioning things since my last relationship. I learned about sex very early on in my youth, probably too early and I grew up in that American Pie era of "Sex is the greatest thing ever that you're missing out on." And in my teens, I really obsessed about it. I wanted so bad to know what it felt like, and I'm not sure if it was just because I was curious or I was made to believe it was the most intimate act you could ever be involved in. In any case, I tried really hard to find a partner in my teens and my earliest twenties. But I hadn't really engaged in it until a few months ago, because I never really found a partner with genuine mutual interest that lived in the same general area as me.

 

It was always at a distance that I found a connection with someone that was solid and I don't know if that's just due to my appearance or if it was genuinely that I couldn't form a personal connection with people because my personality was just on a different wavelength than everyone else's. I've had a couple attempts at a local relationship, but they always fizzled because we just didn't have anything at all in common except some vague form of attraction to one another. For this reason, I never had sex with a single one of these people until recently. The only time I could ever make a meaningful connection was with someone over the internet where I could just be who I was on the inside without worrying about what would get around town and embarrass my family. But still I would just fantasize about doing it with them and regularly masturbate and it felt natural.

 

Here just recently I took a bolder step. I had someone I met over the internet come and live with me. And I know the whole "Yea it's different when you actually live with the person." She was a piece of work herself, but that's a whole different can of worms entirely. Naturally you get where this is going. I had sex with her and quite frankly... I don't see what all the fuss is about. I mean... It felt nice and all, but like.... I don't need it. Now that I've done it, I don't really think about it anymore and my mind is occupied with other things, like my new aquarium, or fixing up my motorcycle or my car. Romance is a big one. Like I think about all of that stuff and I almost never think about sex. The only time I do is when I masturbate and I don't really do it to "practice" or anything anymore. I just do it every now and then to.. I guess keep from feeling arousal? Maybe to just relieve stress? I'm not sure. But like when I see someone I'm attracted to now, I don't ever think about them in a sexual way. I might think about them in an intimate way, like cuddling or holding hands or something.

 

I don't think demisexual really fits because I felt deep unconditional love to the person I gave my virginity to, and yet I just didn't enjoy the sex at all. I mean maybe it was my insecurity about my appearance, but anytime we had sex all I could think was "Ok let's just get this over with." I mean it's the same thing when I masturbate, I don't like relax and take time and enjoy it, which I'm sure is common for dudes, but still. I just want to get it over with as quickly as possible, get the poison out and get back to living my life.  But other intimate activities like cuddling, holding hands, kissing, giving her pets[there was a bdsm component]; I fucking /loved/ that shit. 

 

I just want to figure things out so I can have a fulfilling relationship. I know a relationship won't necessarily make me happy, but I won't be alone.

Please be respectful.

 

Edit: Oh and if this belongs in another area of the forum, please let me know.

[mintteaa]

...

[Sneugens]

4 minutes ago, mintteaa said:

I'm still in high school, so I'm probably not the most qualified to give you advice, but asexuality is generally about not desiring sex, not about not liking it. Of course they often go hand in hand. If you're not attracted to anyone sexually, you're probably asexual. If you think you might experience sexual attraction but not in a typical way, you could describe yourself as "on the asexual spectrum" or "a-spec". That way you don't have to commit to a label. Not sure how new you are to this community, but activities like cuddling and holding hands are sensual and many aces desire and enjoy them. Hope some of this helps! 

Anything helps. Thank you.

[Gnome.1]

Hello and welcome 🍰.  What you described sounds very much ace or at least on that side of the spectrum.    Wanting to be close with someone through hugs,  cuddles,  kisses, these are all sensual attraction and is different from sexual attraction.   This was my hang up and my major confusion about myself.  You can want these things without wanting sex.

[Sneugens]

Update:

 

So recently I talked to a friend about my identity and where I think I'm at on the spectrum. I mean from the best I can figure I'm Grace, neutral and heteromantic[[with a hint of biromantic as I'm curious]]. Anyway she made a suggestion that I don't really like, but it seems logical/plausible. She thinks that I'm thinking/feeling this way because of a lack of experience and maybe my partner just "sucked". Which I won't lie, there's some things she did that I didn't like that she did in the bedroom. Not gonna get into that. Part of me feels like my friend doesn't believe me and that's why she said what she said. Part of me thinks maybe she might be right? Whatever the case I like the way I feel about the identity I have and I don't really want to change from it.