[TMI] Please classify me: high libido, absolutely love making out, but highly disgusted by genitals and actual sex

[nomadicone]

Asexuality seems to fit me better than any other designation, however I'm not "classically asexual" by any means. Please analyze my "case" here. Be objective 🙂

 

I am a heterosexually oriented man in my early 40s, with a very high libido, or at least I am very strongly attracted to images of sensuality (lingerie / swimsuit / foreplay), and I love snuggling, cuddling, kissing, and in general passionately making out clothed, almost more than anything in the world. I have been told by a lot of women that they haven't kissed anyone as passionate as me before. However, I am very strongly repelled by images of nakedness, and getting actually naked with a woman is a huge turn-off to me. I am turned off by a woman's hard nipples, and I am *completely* disgusted by a woman's vulva/vagina, especially when she is wet. When a woman grabs my hand and pulls it down there, I am so disgusted that I literally go into convulsions and start gagging, which I have to mask really well, otherwise the woman inevitably feels rejected and takes it personally. I have only had sex with one woman, over a period of about a year, and I was so disgusted by it all that I had a hard time performing. With one or two exceptions I never enjoyed the experience. I obsess about sex, women, sensuality, etc. as much as the next guy, I routinely get turned on every day by normal stimuli, and I have no problem climaxing to visual or physical stimuli, but when it comes to actually taking the clothes off with a woman or touching under the clothes, I just want to curl up in a ball.

In googling this on the Internet, I found a lot of posts by guys reporting similar extreme disgust about female genitalia -- just google "vaginas are gross" and look at some forum posts. Of course women report all the time how disgusting they find most guys' penises (e.g. they complain about how disgusting most guys' dick pics are that they are sent), which is accepted as totally politically correct for women to say, but it is usually deemed to be extremely un-politicially-correct and even misogynistic for a man to say that vulvas/vaginas are gross.

 

Actually I have a theory that all genitalia are gross by default to most people, but there's a switch that is supposed to flip off in your brain when you get aroused, that causes the ick factor to vanish, and causes you to instead be strongly drawn to the thing that would normally gross you out -- similar to how if someone spat on a piece of pizza in front of you and gave it to you to eat, you'd think that was totally gross, but if the moon was right and you kissed the same person, you wouldn't ever think about their saliva being gross. I think that switch just doesn't flip off for me and for other people that I read about that experience this issue. (Presumably there are also women that are similarly extremely disgusted by penises, but love affection and even making out, so I will assume that this is not just a guy thing...)

 

Of course if you make out with anyone long enough, or enough times, it inevitably heads in the direction of sex, so this issue always comes up at some point, which is always a major bummer. Maybe once I find the right woman I won't be disgusted, but I assume that's not the problem here, and I don't want to inflict this on a woman in a marriage, so these days I just keep my distance from women.

 

So I'm heterosexual and even highly sexual in terms of my attraction and arousal, and highly asexual (or at least repelled by sex) when it comes to the sex act itself. Is there a term for that? Who else experiences this?

Edited October 25, 2019 by nomadicone
Fixed typo

[Guest]

Nobody can tell you who you are.  That’s for you to decide.

 

However, if you are concerned about this then it can’t hurt to see a doctor

[nomadicone]

1 minute ago, Pumpkin Spice Kale Chips said:

Nobody can tell you who you are.  That’s for you to decide.

 

However, if you are concerned about this then it can’t hurt to see a doctor

I know that's the politically correct thing to say to people. But I am asking for people's opinion on this, since I don't think I fit into the standard asexual taxonomy, and maybe there's a hole in the taxonomy if there are more people like me.

[SithLord]

We're not allowed to tell you if you're asexual or not. We're allowed to give you different definitions and direct you to the ones we view as "correct". 

We tend to define asexuality as "lack of intrinsic desire for partnered sex" OR "lack of sexual attraction".

 

It is difficult to separate what you're experiencing because it feels you very much have the desire or attraction, but are simply turned off by the aspects of sex. I've heard similar things from asexuals, but not that exact thing. I know many asexuals are turned off by the act of sex, nudity involved, etc. I also know many sexuals who find genetalia and nudity gross. That alone cannot determine whether you are or aren't. 

[Iam9man]

2 hours ago, nomadicone said:

I am very strongly attracted to images of sensuality (lingerie / swimsuit / foreplay), and I love snuggling, cuddling, kissing, and in general passionately making out clothed, almost more than anything in the world.

This I completely relate to. I’m not repulsed by nakedness but I experience a milder version of what you describe. I really enjoy foreplay but the moment we remove our underwear I completely lose interest.

[nomadicone]

1 hour ago, SithGirl said:

I've heard similar things from asexuals, but not that exact thing.

Actually I'm brand new to this forum, but the very first post I clicked on in this forum after posting contains a few people reporting the same thing:

 

[PoppityPop]

I can't tell you what you are dude but here's my honest opinion; The definition of asexual is this (maybe you already know but whatever):

• without sexual feelings or associations
• a person that has no sexual feelings or desires
• no sexual attraction to any gender whatsoever

 

Asexuality is a very broad spectrum so I understand your confusion. But for me, that "lack of sexual attraction" plays a huge role in being asexual, and judging by what you describe, it sounds like you experience sexual attraction a lot, you are just simply repulsed by the act of sex itself. 

The difference from this and what asexuals experience, is that asexuals don't experience sexual attraction AT ALL.  You describe that you are attracted to certain things and images of women in lingerie and swimsuits, however in asexuals that attraction does not exist. It's just not there. We can appreciate someone's beauty, but do not get turned on by them. 

 

So, it sounds like you're not asexual but just repulsed by sex, but you think you're on the spectrum because in this society all guys are supposed to be super into sex, and those who are not are asexual. Hope this made stuff easier for you, this is just according to me and some research. 

 

[Iam9man]

3 minutes ago, PoppityPop said:

You describe that you are attracted to certain things and images of women in lingerie and swimsuits, however in asexuals that attraction does not exist.

This could potentially fall within aesthetic attraction.

[NickyTannock]

@nomadicone Welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be a Nudity-repulsed Heteroromantic Asexual.

Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone (this is different from arousal, which doesn't always lead to desiring sex).

And what you've described would be Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like cuddling.

There are also other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction and Sensual Attraction.

There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship (I still don't know what that is, I'm Aromantic).

There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty (you can't take your eyes off them).

There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a close friendship with someone.

And more.
 

And I believe your hypothesis is correct, as I remember hearing that brain scans had confirmed that disgust is suppressed by arousal for most people.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's an "Ice Cream Cone" cake (all edible),

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/285464-ice-cream-cone

[PoppityPop]

28 minutes ago, Iam9man said:

This could potentially fall within aesthetic attraction.

Yes, poor choice of words by me. I meant that fact that he was sexually aroused by those things. In my experience aesthetic attraction is appreciating someone's beauty and looks like you appreciate an artwork, not being sexually aroused by it/them. That is what I meant. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

I believe that in cases in which sex aversion fully eliminates desire for sex, a term such as "effectively asexual" may be the most helpful. After all, if someone doesn't want to have sex, at all, under any circumstances, they satisfy the definition of asexuality, even if the reasons are more complicated than just a probably inborn asexual predisposition. Yes, "effectively asexual" is a very mixed bag because it can include very different categories - fictosexuals, objectumsexuals, people who experience sexual attraction, but have a very strong aversion to sex... But the result is the same: such a person doesn't want to have sex in real life. If their aversion is sufficiently strong, they will always reject any potential opportunities at sex, making them effectively indistinguishable from people who are strictly asexual.

6 hours ago, nomadicone said:

Actually I have a theory that all genitalia are gross by default to most people, but there's a switch that is supposed to flip off in your brain when you get aroused, that causes you to the ick factor to vanish, and causes you to instead be strongly drawn to the thing that would normally gross you out

I feel like this too. Although, actually, I find sex less disgusting than terrifying - probably because since my aversion to sex is so strong that it completely precludes even trying to have partnered sex, actually having to face the "icky" aspects is not a real possibility. But I feel completely terrified by a possibility of being naked in another person's presence. This feeling is so strong that it fully eliminates any desire to have sex, any desire to desire sex, any potential yearning after not being sex-averse - no, I explicitly want to remain a person effectively incapable of having sex, a person who doesn't want to have sex and never will.

But I too feel that this psychological mechanism you described works even in me to some extent. I'm completely averse to any possibility of personally having sex, but I enjoy having erotic fantasies in third person. And I may think "But really, this is in fact gross" - particularly when I pleasure myself when fantasising and after an orgasm the disgust immediately kicks in - but when I'm aroused, this feeling of disgust doesn't surface. However, this mechanism is never strong enough to break through my fear of sex - I'm fine with fantasies, but I just cannot personally desire sex.

[nomadicone]

Thanks for the ice cream dessert, and the warm welcome! And for everybody's commentary so far. It's all really interesting. Keep the perspectives coming!

[NickyTannock]

You're welcome!

[Anthracite_Impreza]

To me it sounds like you're a very sex repulsed sexual; whether you think it's worth trying to overcome that or not has to be your decision alone.

[Sally]

On 10/24/2019 at 8:32 PM, nomadicone said:

I know that's the politically correct thing to say to people. But I am asking for people's opinion on this, since I don't think I fit into the standard asexual taxonomy, and maybe there's a hole in the taxonomy if there are more people like me.

It's not the politically correct thing to say.  AVEN has a strong rule about telling other people who they are, and many of us try to hew to that rule.  We don't know you, so we simply can't tell you.   What people can do is chime in if they feel the same way.  

[ithaca]

Sally is right, here on AVEN we can help you by sharing our experiences (to see what you relate to, which might help you find your identity), and pointing you to the right resources, readings, etc, but we can't tell you what we think you are or are not

 

But first of all, welcome! Finding your identity is a journey that can take time, so enjoy your stay here at AVEN and take your time to explore!

 

[gisiebob]

ok, removing the thoughts about groins from the equation, how do you feel about sexual intimacy? if you still want to have sex with someone, just not with a certain area of their body, I would say that is a decent indicator to your sexuality.

there's a couple things you can do about this, if it is something that is hindering you

first is upfront communication. if you find yourself in a situation where this is probably going to be an issue, bring it up. don't blame you being nervous on "having to be politically correct" or whatever. it is uncomfortable to navigate intimate discussion at face value. and that's ok, but talking about this before this sort of thing happens is best for everyone involved.

second, is you can get a coach. if one part of your brain says one thing and another says the opposite, that is plenty reason to consult a professional in the field of psychology. 

[nomadicone]

gisiebob: Thanks for the advice. I do fantasize about sex. But even when I'm not with a woman, naked porn is disgusting to me, so I don't think it's nervousness or communication issues.

[uhtred]

Do you find men's genitals unpleasant to look at as well?

 

(not intended as an implication that you are gay - I'm a straight male and I'm not bothered by looking at male genitals, I just don't find them arousing.  I don't really fine the image of women's genitals arousing, but do find women in general sexually attractive). 

 

 

[Nila24]

Sexual people have a filia with intercourse and usually a fairly strong fixation with everything related to genitality. They have a feeling of unstoppable fascination with the idea of penetrating or being penetrated by another living being. A sexual person can be castrated physically or chemically, but will always seek to penetrate or be penetrated by an object.

 

Unlike them, asexual people do not feel that. But besides that we are not attracted to coitus, we are not attracted to the idea of touching another person for sexual gratification. And the asexuals who have libido prefer to do it by themselves.

 

I don't know if you're asexual or not, but it's obvious that you just don't like the act of intercourse. If you don't like intercourse, you are not required to do so. Make your sexual practices responsibly as you like and as you see fit. Sometimes fear arises from being forced to do something that the person does not want to do, but that society forces the person to do.
 

[Philip027]

Quote

Sexual people have a filia with intercourse

Without even getting into how accurate or not that statement is, I just gotta say that's probably the weirdest way I've heard sexuals being described ever.

[ithaca]

2 hours ago, Nila24 said:

Sexual people have a filia with intercourse and usually a fairly strong fixation with everything related to genitality. They have a feeling of unstoppable fascination with the idea of penetrating or being penetrated by another living being. A sexual person can be castrated physically or chemically, but will always seek to penetrate or be penetrated by an object.

 

Unlike them, asexual people do not feel that. But besides that we are not attracted to coitus, we are not attracted to the idea of touching another person for sexual gratification. And the asexuals who have libido prefer to do it by themselves.

 

I don't know if you're asexual or not, but it's obvious that you just don't like the act of intercourse. If you don't like intercourse, you are not required to do so. Make your sexual practices responsibly as you like and as you see fit. Sometimes fear arises from being forced to do something that the person does not want to do, but that society forces the person to do.
 

Hey Nila, your last paragraph raises some very good points! The previous ones though contain quite a generalisation about sexual people (not every sexual person enjoys intercourse or penetration)! It might be good to try and avoid generalisations here on AVEN, they are quite frowned upon as we try and encourage people to listen to each other (there's asexual and sexual people here on this website) and learn how unique everyone's story and perspective is, which means there isn't really a one-size-fits-all description of people or their romantic or sexual preferences/needs/histories. Overall you seem quite new, so I'd also like to welcome you as well to the community, hope you're enjoying it around here  

[Guest]

Personally, I have no need to be penetrated, despite being sexual. Also not very into genitals. So, yeah, a few misguided ideas in the post. 

 

OP - I dislike nudity in general. I only accept it in a partner, but for some, that aversion doesn't go away for anyone. It isn't as much a sexual or asexual thing there as a personality trait.

 

For me, my difference is I enjoy sexual activity with a partner enough to seek it out with my wife. When we dont have it I miss it a little cause it feels nice to do. Thats about it. Thats why I ID as sexual. 

 

Also, PS, I find wet female genitals disgusting and I have them 😛 so dont feel weird about that 

 

Out of curiosity, think you would enjoy sexual relationships if the woman was willing to dress up in lingerie and let you masturbate to her masturbating (covered so you dont see anything)? Beyond asexuality, you could also look at less traditional forms of sexuality to see if you relate. Not all sexuals (myself included) enjoy PiV sex or even a lot of common sexual activities. Some we find gross. And some we find gross but do anyway cause the fun with someone you love outweighs the grossness (my partner rushes to hand sanitize after touching me down there, for example, cause she finds it disgusting but also finds it fun / pleasurable to do to me enough to ignore the gross for a few minutes). Sometimes I use gloves, cause I find it really gross to touch with bare skin.

 

But, yeah, ace or sexual or whatever in between we can all have our aversions. Dont focus on that bit when figuring yourself out. Focus on the feelings.