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Juliana18

I am Aromantic ?

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Juliana18

Hey,  I am 19 years old,I am asexual ( that I know for sure ) and I have  never been in a relationship before but I don't feel the need to be in one , I was at two dates but I felt nothing but unconfortablness ,all my friends speak about how they want to go to dates and so on but I don't feel the same .I don't know if in the future I want or not to be with someone but I know that is not something that i need or see as a big deal like the people around me.That means i am Aromantic ? 

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allieakat

Hello and welcome.

 

You could well be aromantic - it's how I identify and I knew from an early age that marriage or its equivalent would not be one of my aims in life.

 

Here's a slice of cake as the traditional welcome around here -

 

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Aebt

First off, Welcome to AVEN 🍰!

3 hours ago, Juliana18 said:

I don't know if in the future I want or not to be with someone but I know that is not something that i need or see as a big deal like the people around me.That means i am Aromantic ? 

Romantic attraction is difficult to describe, but determining if you are aromantic or not would boil down to whether you feel romantic attraction. By romantic attraction I do not mean the stereotypical movie/book/pop culture romance: love at first sight, meant for each other, butterflies in stomach, want to be with said person for eternity, etc., but rather real romantic attraction which, again, is something hard to define. This is something we cannot really help you with besides encouragement and telling our own personal experiences.

 

I will mention that just because you have never been in a relationship, do not want to date, and do not have any real interest in a romantic relationship does not inherently mean you are aromantic. I myself am also 19 and have neither dated nor been in a relationship and have no desire to start dating or attempt a romantic relationship, but I think I might experience romantic attraction.

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BeakLove
22 hours ago, Juliana18 said:

Hey,  I am 19 years old,I am asexual ( that I know for sure ) and I have  never been in a relationship before but I don't feel the need to be in one , I was at two dates but I felt nothing but unconfortablness ,all my friends speak about how they want to go to dates and so on but I don't feel the same .I don't know if in the future I want or not to be with someone but I know that is not something that i need or see as a big deal like the people around me.That means i am Aromantic ? 

19 is young to declare yourself incapable of experiencing those kind of feelings! Not caring for relationships or trying to force yourself to be in one doesn't mean that you might not find yourself "falling for someone" one day. It can catch you by surprise. But dating is primarily a sexual thing despite all the polite pleasantries around it. You go, you view someone (judging them on looks), you perform the social scripts, and the sexual tension does the work of getting you into intimate settings where you can (hopefully) get to know each other and the "deeper", more long-lasting attraction can develop. Without that sexual tension, without the frisson, it is literally just forcing yourself to talk to a stranger for an extended period, which is uncomfortable. 

 

It's an inefficient process but frankly so is every means of trying to find someone. It's even more inefficient and probably unenjoyable if sex isn't on the menu for you. But if it is indeed possible to have a romantic attraction without a sexual element (it probably is: but I think is open for debate, personally), then why should performing rituals primarily associated with sex make you doubt your capability for romance?

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Anthracite_Impreza
18 minutes ago, BeakLove said:

But if it is indeed possible to have a romantic attraction without a sexual element (it probably is: but I think is open for debate, personally)

Well of course it is. You're on AVEN, there are romantic aces everywhere.

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BeakLove
4 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Well of course it is. You're on AVEN, there are romantic aces everywhere.

Many of the romances described on here seem (to me) to have an element of sublimated sexual tension. But that could certainly just be my own bias. And I'm not calling into question the sincerity of anyone's relationship; I certainly don't think sex is the be all and end all, it's just a thought of mine. 

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Anthracite_Impreza
9 minutes ago, BeakLove said:

Many of the romances described on here seem (to me) to have an element of sublimated sexual tension. But that could certainly just be my own bias. And I'm not calling into question the sincerity of anyone's relationship; I certainly don't think sex is the be all and end all, it's just a thought of mine. 

A lot of us (me included) will disagree with you on that.

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BeakLove
1 minute ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

A lot of us (me included) will disagree with you on that.

I know! It's just my opinion, ultimately. I guess to explain it a little bit better: my observation is that on many occasions when people talk about their romance they (1) express a clear sex preference, and (2) describe their romantic feelings/activities in terms of sensual and aesthetic pleasures, (3) those sensual/aesthetic pleasures often blur the line with sexual.

 

Do you not find it odd that there are so few bi-romantic people in this place even though (literal) sex is a non-factor? The same orientation which mediates sexual attraction seems to be mediating all the various attractions. 

 

 

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Anthracite_Impreza
23 minutes ago, BeakLove said:

Do you not find it odd that there are so few bi-romantic people in this place even though (literal) sex is a non-factor? The same orientation which mediates sexual attraction seems to be mediating all the various attractions. 

I think orientation, and what you want to do with your preference, are two completely different things. I have them on different axes entirely, so it makes perfect sense to me to have a clear orientation and be ace and even aro.

 

26 minutes ago, BeakLove said:

(1) express a clear sex preference, and (2) describe their romantic feelings/activities in terms of sensual and aesthetic pleasures, (3) those sensual/aesthetic pleasures often blur the line with sexual.

I have no issues with 1 or 2 and fail to understand how they're related to sex at all. 3 in some cases I will agree with you on; I have no issue saying that I think a considerable number of self-identifying aces, aren't.

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Callum

I started to wonder if I’m aromantic when I went on a date but I wasn’t into it and a bit uncomfortable. I never put much effort in trying to get a date either. I realised that I’m more comfortable meeting up with friends and being close with them. If I’m really close to a friend we would cuddle ect but was never comfortable showing affection in public. Not having the label boyfriend and girlfriend makes it easier for me. 

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