Flickering Revelations Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 Have you ever come across or created something like a Want/Will/Won't (aka. Yes/No/Maybe) list for things other than sex? Both physical and emotional things: what types of physical contact in general, the language we use, how we express love, how to behave in the presence of others, what is or isn't appropriate to do with others, how to spend time together, the things we discuss with them, etc. Basically for all things that can be part of a relationship. If so, it would be really helpful if you could share it, please. Here's an example of a sexual Yes/No/Maybe list: http://www.discordcomics.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/YesNoMaybe.pdf And if no one already has one, maybe we could try to collectively create one? I would really appreciate your help! And maybe it might help some other people too? The reason I'm asking this: I've found that ever since I decided that the term asexual fits me well, I've started really analysing what a "romantic relationship" is exactly and become incredibly confused about the question. And not a single person that I've asked so far was able to provide a clear answer that makes sense. I really don't understand the whole categorising relationships in a close to binary (romantic vs. platonic) way anymore because I can't find the line between them. As a result, I can't tell whether a "romantic relationship" appeals to me and I feel that it would be so much easier to agree on what kind of relationship we want if we could discuss the specific elements/characteristic of the relationship we're considering having. (Instead of asking someone if they want a romantic relationship and assuming that they will instinctively understand what we personally imagine that to be...) Link to post Share on other sites
Bloc Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 I didn't do this specifically. But I don't know and don't really care if my relationships are romantic or not. I'll try to start with an incomplete list. I would use yes/no/want to try/open to trying/reluctant to trying/under specific circumstances instead of yes/no/maybe. Showing affection Do I want to say "I love you"? Do I want to be told "I love you"? Do I want to call the other person boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, something else? Do I want to be called by the other person boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, something else? Do I like to give small gifts, flowers, etc.? Do I like getting small gifts, flowers, etc.? Do I have something I want to do only with this person? Do I want that the other person has something they do only with me? How often do I want to spend time with the person? How much of the time alone with them? How often do I want to phone, text, speak with them? When texting or mailing, how fast do I want a reply? How fast do I want to reply? Which feelings, thoughts do I want to share? Do I want to share my fears, my sad times? Do I want them to share their fears, their sad times? Do I want them to be there to ease the sorrow, worries I have? Do I want to be there for them to help them with their sorrow, their worries? Do I like holding hands with them? Do I like affection in public? Do I like cooking together? Do I like cooking for them? Do I like them to cook for me? Living together Do I want to live together with them? In the future? How should the household responsibilities be shared? Children Do I want to raise children with them? Do I want to have children at all? Do I want to adopt? How should the responsibilities for raising kids be shared? Do I want to help them raising their children? Physical intimacy Do I want to hug them? Do I want to be hugged by them? Do I want to cuddle them? Do I want to be cuddled by them? Where do I want to touch them and where not and under which circumstances? Where do I want to be touched by them and where not and under which circumstances? Do I want to kiss them? Where do I want to kiss them? Do I want to be kissed by them? Where do I want to be kissed? Do I like making out with them? Which intimacy do I want to initiate? Which intimacy do I want them to initiate? When do I want which intimacy? Monogamous/non-monogamous Do I want one or more person with such a relationship? Do I want the other person to have more than one person with such a relationship? Do I want to show physical affection with more than one person? In public? Do I want them to show physical affection with more than one person? In public? Do I want my partners to know of each other? Do I want to know the partners of my partner? Do I want to be open to start new relationships? If yes, how should my partner be involved in the decision? Do I want my partner to be open to start new relationships? If yes, how should I be involved in the decision? How much do I want to know of their relationship with other people? How much do I want to share about my relationships with other people? What do I want to share about our relationship to other partners? What do I want to be shared about our relationship to other partners of them? Sex What do I consider as sex? Do I want to have sex with them? Which types? If sex which protections do I want to use? Do I want them to have sex with someone else? When do I want to have sex? How often do I want to have sex? Do I want to initiate sex? Do I want them to initiate sex? Do I want to masturbate while being in the relationship? Do I want them to masturbate while being in the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 Thing is that you can make a list all you want - it won't have thaaaaat much value once you're in the situation. There will be people you'll be comfortable doing things with you thought you wouldn't, there will be people you aren't willing to do things with you thought you would. I think making this list is nice to see where you're at, yourself, at this point. However it doesn't seem to be that useful when it comes to future relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunflowerfield Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 You might find the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord helpful as it's based on a similar concept. It's about picking and choosing what elements you want in your relationships rather than being defined by a pre-set mold. Link to post Share on other sites
Flickering Revelations Posted April 22, 2019 Author Share Posted April 22, 2019 On 4/19/2019 at 12:09 PM, Homer said: Thing is that you can make a list all you want - it won't have thaaaaat much value once you're in the situation. There will be people you'll be comfortable doing things with you thought you wouldn't, there will be people you aren't willing to do things with you thought you would. I think making this list is nice to see where you're at, yourself, at this point. However it doesn't seem to be that useful when it comes to future relationships. I would disagree with the argument that just because my comfort level changes from one relationship to the next it makes the list useless. After all, it's a Yes/No/Maybe list I'm talking about: a list where all the possibilities are listed as ideas, suggestions to evaluate, inspiration to explore oneself or just start a conversation about the details of the particular relationship. I never said that my aim is to create a final and unchangeable list of what I want in a relationship and I'm aware that this can easily change. Just like the sexual Yes/No/Maybe lists are lists of suggestions for people to consider and use as a starting point for communication, and not the person's final instructions, this list that goes beyond just sexuality is also intended for self-reflection and communication and one can always change one's mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Flickering Revelations Posted April 22, 2019 Author Share Posted April 22, 2019 On 4/19/2019 at 10:23 AM, Bloc said: I didn't do this specifically. But I don't know and don't really care if my relationships are romantic or not. I'll try to start with an incomplete list. I would use yes/no/want to try/open to trying/reluctant to trying/under specific circumstances instead of yes/no/maybe. Thank you so much for your ideas!! This is an amazing start! 😍😁 I agree that more than those three categories are needed, but I wanted to use what I think is a well-known term for the sake of being clear about what I mean. (Or at least the intention was there haha) Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 24 minutes ago, Flickering Revelations said: I would disagree with the argument that just because my comfort level changes from one relationship to the next it makes the list useless. After all, it's a Yes/No/Maybe list I'm talking about: a list where all the possibilities are listed as ideas, suggestions to evaluate, inspiration to explore oneself or just start a conversation about the details of the particular relationship. I never said that my aim is to create a final and unchangeable list of what I want in a relationship and I'm aware that this can easily change. Just like the sexual Yes/No/Maybe lists are lists of suggestions for people to consider and use as a starting point for communication, and not the person's final instructions, this list that goes beyond just sexuality is also intended for self-reflection and communication and one can always change one's mind. Well at least it helps me understand why online meat markets are so popular nowadays... enter a few search terms and see how you "match". I do that when I need a new vacuum cleaner The way I got to know relationships (basically of all kinds except familial ones) is that they're about testing the waters and see where it takes you. Being open to something doesn't mean that that's where a particular relationship is going to go. I never met someone and decided "this person is going to be my new best friend" or whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Flickering Revelations Posted April 22, 2019 Author Share Posted April 22, 2019 On 4/19/2019 at 6:07 PM, CBC said: Wait, if it's just compiling a list of possibilities, couldn't you just use a list intended for everyone? And say no to the sexual stuff you're not into? Why do asexuals need a separate list? Sure I could do that... if it existed, except it doesn't. 🙃 Oh, it can totally be used by anyone! I didn't mean to imply that this list is intended to be exclusive to asexuals, sorry if it came across that way. 🙂 I just meant a list of ideas of possible things to include in a relationship that goes beyond sexuality. Because, right now, if you look up "Yes/No/Maybe list" or "Want/Will/Won't list" you'll have real difficulty finding one that isn't only about sex acts and protection. Link to post Share on other sites
Flickering Revelations Posted April 22, 2019 Author Share Posted April 22, 2019 1 minute ago, Homer said: Well at least it helps me understand why online meat markets are so popular nowadays... enter a few search terms and see how you "match". I do that when I need a new vacuum cleaner The way I got to know relationships (basically of all kinds except familial ones) is that they're about testing the waters and see where it takes you. Being open to something doesn't mean that that's where a particular relationship is going to go. I never met someone and decided "this person is going to be my new best friend" or whatever. I really don't want to be disrespectful Homer, but I'm afraid I don't understand how any of this is related to creating this list of ideas I was talking about... I'm confused as to why you're saying this. Link to post Share on other sites
Bloc Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 20 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: I'm pretty certain Homer means that both are a way of applying some kind of template to potential relationships, rather than organically seeing what happens with no preconceptions. For some people these lists can help to clarify for themselves what their hard/soft limits are and where they can safely explore and let the relationship evolve organically. And it helps to see when a relationship is moving into a direction which is unhealthy for you. Especially when your needs in a relationship are different from the popular narratives which is the case for many aces. These lists are not meant to fill out once and just stick to them. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 4 hours ago, Bloc said: Especially when your needs in a relationship are different from the popular narratives *nods* This is the really key point... it applies to kink all the time, which is why (along with things like consensual non-consent) lists and contracts are so prevalent there, but it’s a good exercise (and discussion launchpad) for anyone whose needs and expectations are not in line with the majority. It would actually be a good exercise for a lot of people who do think they have “majority expectations,” given the number of relationships that fail for sex/affection/love-language-related reasons, but it’s especially useful to help understand less usual situations. Link to post Share on other sites
Flickering Revelations Posted April 24, 2019 Author Share Posted April 24, 2019 23 hours ago, Bloc said: For some people these lists can help to clarify for themselves what their hard/soft limits are and where they can safely explore and let the relationship evolve organically. And it helps to see when a relationship is moving into a direction which is unhealthy for you. Especially when your needs in a relationship are different from the popular narratives which is the case for many aces. These lists are not meant to fill out once and just stick to them. Exactly! It's to get an overview understanding of what we desire, can't deal with, can be flexible on or not, etc. And what you said about it being especially useful for those that don't fit the "normal" script is exactly why I wanted to create this list: if you only get handed one script and you find that it doesn't fit you, you suddenly have to write your own and that's much harder and can leave you lost without a starting point. That's the purpose of this list, to be given prompts for our new script. Link to post Share on other sites
Flickering Revelations Posted April 24, 2019 Author Share Posted April 24, 2019 On 4/23/2019 at 12:12 AM, ryn2 said: It would actually be a good exercise for a lot of people who do think they have “majority expectations,” given the number of relationships that fail for sex/affection/love-language-related reasons, I would personally agree but many will say that it takes the spontaneity out of relationships and kills the romance to be methodical like that. And I wouldn't want to force it unto other people if they think that they can't work with it. After all, I want it to be a tool for creating fulfilling relationships, so using it knowing that it'll have the opposite effect for them personally defeats the purpose. But maybe should be more open to just the idea of it? I don't know 🤷♀️ Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 39 minutes ago, Flickering Revelations said: I would personally agree but many will say that it takes the spontaneity out of relationships and kills the romance to be methodical like that. I think a lot of people who see it that way are envisioning trading checklists before each encounter rather than doing the exercise for themselves and then perhaps discussing anything interesting they learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.