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Grace?/Ace?/Demi?/None of the Above?

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abm

I've been curious about asexuality for a while now, and I figured it wouldn't hurt to at least get some input from people who know what they're talking about.

 

I suppose I'm just really confused, since I almost feel like my experiences have been largely contradictory.

 

On the one hand, I can look at someone on the street or on the screen and say "They're pretty hot", regardless of gender expression.  I could even visualize myself engaging in sexual activities with others, and may even fantasize about it, so I have identified as pansexual for the longest time.  I do fantasize about everything from kissing to foreplay to full-on penetrative sex rather frequently, and I consume pornography and masturbate fairly regularly.  It's like, I love the IDEA of sex.  I love it.

 

When it comes to actual sexual activity, I am mostly inexperienced.  But, for the most part, I am able to experience sexual urges under certain circumstances.  I am able to crave, and then act upon, desires to cuddle, kiss, hug, and engage in foreplay and caressing.  And I love all of that.  But as soon as any sort of genital interaction comes into play, be it manual or oral or penetrative, something always feels.....off.  I'm not sure if I would call it disinterest or disgust, but it just feels really weird.  Like, I'm supposed to want to do things involving mine and another person's set of genitals, right?  But my immediate reaction to when someone takes their pants off is "Ew, gross." 

 

I am able to flirt without much of a problem with close friends or people I'm interested in.  But if someone makes a sexual comment that's too crass or vulgar, I get really grossed out.  I often have to isolate myself in order to calm myself down.

 

I've only engaged in oral sex a handful of times and I've never experienced penetrative intercourse (in fact, the one time I made my partner finish, I almost vomited).  I can say with some certainty that I do not enjoy sex to that degree.  But the interesting thing is that part of me doesn't WANT to want it.  Like, if I don't feel like I get anything out of genital contact, then why pursue it?  Especially if I'm perfectly happy sticking to foreplay and little else?  And it's not that I get anxious during these situations.  Most of the time, I genuinely care about the other person; I want to make them feel good; I want to form this connection with them.  But at the same time, I do get a little uncomfortable.  Like, should I be enjoying this more?  Am I just forcing it at this point?  Are we finished yet?

 

I guess my main question is: what do you guys think about this?  Am I just sexually repressed?  Am I just adverse to sex?  Or is there something else here?

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MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be Asexual, but I can't label you.

Asexuality is not a lack of libido, but a lack of Sexual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone. Meaning if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

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InquisitivePhilosopher

Hi, and welcome! :cake:

 

Yes, to what @MichaelTannock said. It's normal for some asexuals to be aroused by porn and to masturbate, but not want to do that, themselves--with a partner--in real life.

 

I just wanted to add that you don't have to try to figure out a label for yourself, if you're unsure or don't want to label yourself. Labels aren't needed; many others are here, questioning, too. You're still welcome in the AVEN community.

 

It's okay to continue with sexual activities that you are comfortable with, rather than trying to force yourself to do things you don't feel comfortable doing.

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Knight of Cydonia

You don't sound asexual to me, but maybe sex-repulsed? You can be sexually attracted to people or desire sex, but not enjoy it (or even be actively repulsed by it).

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