When did you realise you are asexual?

[Tree snake]

I don't think there was a specific time for me, I just sorta always knew. I'm unable to see my body as an object capable of sexual acts, my view of my body is strictly clinical almost robotic in an aesthetic kind of way. I view my body in way similar to how artists view croquis drawings; there’s nothing sexual about it even if it’s nude.

 

I even seem to lack sexual understanding, cues go waaay over my head.

[Guest]

I'm fairly late to the party! I only realised I am asexual this year (aged 46).  Was sourcing and purchasing LGBTQIA+ resources for work and found the ‘A’ part resonated with me. BIG TIME.

 

Never had crushes like my high school friends, either on classmates or celebrities. Set out to lose my virginity at age 22 so I would no longer be *different* from my peers. Had a number of short relationships over the next six years. However, was often told I seemed indifferent to and/or never initiated sex. Looking back now, I realise I was trying to meet social expectations instead of my own needs.

 

By my late 20s I wondered why I couldn’t commit and questioned my sexuality. Perhaps I was gay and repressed? But that didn’t gel either. Decided not to enter relationships unless I felt an undeniable chemistry. Since then I’ve resisted the attempts of friends and families to set me up on dates.  Have come to understand that I do not feel sexual attraction. [At the end of a male stripper review while my friends would be waxing lyrical about how beddable and sexy the dancers were… I would be thinking about joining the gym having admired the buff bodies at an aesthetic level! 🤣]

 

From my early 30s, I’ve had the following sorts of comments/questions:

1. It’s unnatural not to want sex.
2. You just need to meet the right person.
3. By ignoring that part of yourself, you aren’t properly living.
4. Are you sure you aren't lesbian/bisexual?
5. Were you abused as a child?
6. Have you discussed this with your doctor?

I’ve spoken to my sister and best friend about identifying as asexual. My sister has tried hard to understand and accept. My friend has discounted it out-of-hand and still tries to sell me on this or that ‘ideal’ lover. Regardless, I am more at peace in myself.

 

I’m so happy to read that people are embracing their asexuality at a much earlier age due resources like AVEN.

[purple-cat]

I realized that I was asexual when my friends were talking about who they thought was hot and I was just like, pizza is hot. Then they explained to me what hot meant and I was honestly disgusted and uncomfortable. Later I was on Tumblr and I saw the word "asexual" and looked it up. And here I am!

[SeeYa]

Might sound a bit strange, but I realized it pretty much the moment puberty started, along with my gender shitshow.
It all just turned up and I went, "Oh, so that's how it is."...
Of course at the time I didn't realize either thing was normal. So I just tried to hide it all since I didn't want my family to worry about me being "broken".
I didn't know that any of that COULD be normal until I was in University...
Better education could save a lot of youths the same pain in future.

[CommanderVibes]

I head about asexuality when I was seven years old from a friend of my parents who used it in a disparaging way about his female boss. I thought it was a weird insult (which it was intended as) so I laughed like I understood. I asked my parents about it when I was ten, and they told me it was an excuse that damaged people used if they didn't want to have sex. It stuck with me until I was 17 and found a decent definition on a wikiwalk while I was trying to figure out if I was gay or trans or bi or pan because I didn't know what I wanted or was and literally all the porn I looked up to try and figure it out looked and felt the same. I'm 25 now and I told my parents I'm asexual on January 2nd this year. They think I'm sad about not having a boyfriend or girlfriend since I was 17, so I've 'given up', but they've... Not fought me on it. I wish I had had the courage to come out earlier and in a better way. 

 

In retrospect, remembering for a decade word for word, beat for beat, that offhanded comment from a man I saw only twice afterwarda should have been a clue that I knew what I was the moment I heard it, even in a negative connotation. 

[Twisted Tempest]

Basically when I was old enough to understand sexuality and the like, I understood that I also didn't have one. The thought of sex makes me feel sick to the stomach, no exaggeration. And it just always has been that way. 

[Shay21]

I don't really think there was one specific "Aha!" kind of moment that made me realize I was asexual. It was more like the thoughts and questions I had in my head built up over time until I decided I needed an answer. So one day about three years ago, I did a Google search and found a bunch of stuff about asexuality. Then it all finally made sense and here I am today!

[StarWolf112]

I first realized when I was in forth grade maybe, but I didn't know what it meant. As I got older I still wasn't feeling any sort of romantic or sexual attraction. It wasn't until I met my friend, who's basically my sister, that explained what asexuality is. That was in 6th or 7th grade I think. 

[Keilah]

I realized I was asexual spring semester of my freshman year of college after seeing a post on another forum where the person came out as asexual and asked if anyone else was. They posted a link to this site and after some looking around, I realized I was as well.

[LauraGarnham]

I'm not really sure if there was an actual point, it was more a gradual realisation. I never had crushes on anyone,  (I could make opinions on who I thought was good looking or not but it was just based on aesthetics). I figured that this might change as I grew older. In general,  I assumed that my lack of interest in sex was mainly because I did not have many options for sex, I was at an all girls school/college (and at the time assumed myself to be purely heterosexual) and did not fancy any of the boys I met on a regular basis. I thought that once I found boys I wanted to be close to then I would want sex. I went to uni, I found boys, I dated some, I got more serious than one, we had sex (numerous times) and yet I remained uninterested in sex. Eventually we broke up, and I realised that maybe my lack of interest in sex was not a phase. I suppose it was around then I realised I was asexual though it was a few years before I learnt the term. 

[ChaoticHetergenousMixture]

When I was in eighth grade and very confused as to why everyone was suddenly dating and kissing and stuff, a much more aware friend asked me if I was ace. I brushed it off at the time, but I remembered the term. Earlier this year (I'm in tenth grade now), a friend I had known for six years and assumed to be straight told me she was gay. We also talked about how she had at first tried to give herself a stereotypical straight crush before she learned to accept her identity. That kind of got me thinking about how I generally assume people straight by default, which would likely apply to myself as well, and how I never really understood kissing scenes in books but had just memorized the basic formula. I remembered what my other friend had said earlier about asexuality. I looked up more information on the internet and decided that I'm likely ace. 

[Sally]

Not soon enough.  

[Guest]

I only had the right word for it nearly two months ago lol

 

[TheIntrovert'sBooks]

I think I kind of always knew, but I didn't have a word to describe it. I just say I "wasn't interested."

• When I was a little kid, I never wanted to get married, date, or have a family, but people said I would change my mind when I grew up and became a teenager (which to be fair, is usually the case). I was cool with it and continued enjoying playing superheroes with boys because nothing was weird yet.
• When I was 11-14 I still didn't feel any differently than before, but I noticed kids around me talking about crushes and watched them get upset when the object of their affections didn't reciprocate their feelings. I understood that a lot of kids were starting puberty and wanted to date and think about kissing, but was grossed out by the idea. Whenever someone would ask me about who I liked, I would say I wasn't interested. I just put it down to being a late bloomer and figured my hormones would kick in soon.
• 16-17 and I started to seriously wonder what was going on. The thought of dating or having sex made me panic and want to throw up or hit someone. I still assumed I was a late bloomer, but often thought 'What if I never grow out of this? Would it really be that bad?' With only a few exceptions, everyone I knew was dating or at least wanting to, but I still felt like I did when I learned where babies come from. I've always gotten along better with guys, but now everything was getting awkward and it made me feel really uncomfortable (and somewhat betrayed) when several of my friends would ask me out or try to flirt with me. I tried for a romantic relationship with one of my closest friends to see if that missing piece or thing would be triggered, but the whole thing went really badly just left me with a lot of guilt a broken valued friendship and not feeling any differently. If anything, I just felt more sure that I didn't have those kinds of feelings. I briefly questioned if I was bi because I felt the same way about guys and girls, but quickly threw that idea out.

A few weeks after my 18th birthday, I decided that it wasn't something that was going away. I follow V. E. Schwab, the author of the book Vicious, on twitter and she talked about one of her main characters and about his asexuality. It wasn't the first time I'd heard the word, but how she was describing it rang true to how I was feeling. I spent hours on the internet researching the term and learning about the community. After month or so of testing it out, I decided it fit me.

 

(TL;DR -- I always knew something was different, but didn't find the words or community until I was 18)

[AllTimeBubble]

I just remember thinking every year as I got older "well my sister didn't get a boyfriend until 15 so it's fine that I don't have crushes on anyone"

Then the age that she got a boyfriend came and still no crushes 

Then like 2 years went by and I thought, maybe I'm asexual and I was defo right, I have still to this day never had a crush or feelings of sexual attraction to anyone.

Before that, I thought I was either straight or gay by default, straight because I didn't like girls and gay because I didn't like guys, but then I turned around and thought, I don't like either.

[InQ-Ai]

A couple of years ago.
A friend who's very sexual and into sex asked about my experiences when I see attractive people. And then he went "Oh, so you're asexual?"
I come from a conservative family and I literally never heard the term relating to sexuality before. Until then I though I'm straight, because I've had crushes and I guess I could masturbate if I wanted to. I thought I'm just too much of a loner and not very likeable, so not like people approach me for it or anything. And until then I was convinced this is how everyone else operate and that the said friend is just hyper-sexual or whatnot. But apparently not.

Right after the conversation I quickly went to Google the term and found out that it fits me perfectly. It was kind of a relief to have an actual label that fits me actually.
I guess I should have realised that sooner when the said friend started stating that genitals are cute and the rest of the chat agreed. 🤣

[♠♠♠]

After a really long hetero relationship ended, I took some me time and figured things out I wouldn't of realised unless I was by myself.

I realised there was an explanation for my sex apprehension and I was also intimidated by girls because I was secretly forming crushes like a 10 year old boy.

[LonesomeCrow]

Oh, several years ago. I started to realize that I really wasn't sexually attracted to anyone, so I did a Google search and actually ended up on this site. It was a relief knowing that there was a word to describe one such as myself.

[Kappa Sigma]

This is a very interesting topic for me as an asexual, because it took me awhile to realize I was a little different (and that not everybody was like me). It was when other people started to question my sexuality and wonder if I was gay. Which lead me to question whether I was gay ,which I immediately decided I was not. Then, I began to wonder if maybe I was bisexual and just hadn't met the right kind of person. When that was finally debunked by a lot of thought and denial. I finally found a youtuber who talked and collaborated with people and did videos on sexuality and gender. That was when I finally has the ah-hah moment and realize that that was why I was different and didn't think like other people.

Which lead to a lot of research about asexuality and what it meant for me as a person and the obvious signs that I was asexual.

[Sweet Potato]

I had several moments between the ages of 14 and 30 that showed me as different, I did not ID as asexual until I knew that asexual was even a thing.  prior to learning about asexuality, I thought I simply had to find what kind of sex I liked, so I consulted google on discovering what my body wanted. Google told me to masturbate. then I had to figure out how to make myself desire it, that turned out to be impossible, so I simply learned to fake it. when I got tired of faking it my marriage fell apart.   a few months after separation I was chatting about labels with my sister, she shared a list of orientations and introduced me to the split attraction model. At the top of the list was this "Asexual: not experiencing sexual attraction to any gender" I filed it in my brain as interesting and a few days later I went back to it and searched "what is asexuality" that brought up this: http://www.whatisasexuality.com/intro/
It was a light bulb moment. all the puzzle pieces suddenly fit.

 

[Laplace]

On 1/19/2019 at 9:41 AM, outolintu said:

My realization was kinda traumatic: The first time I came across the term "asexual" was when I was 17yo and reading a science magazine article about... psychopaths. Scared the life out of me and I was too afraid to even consider asexuality or god forbid tell someone about it for years, because I was afraid I could be a psychopath. Took me half a decade before I found other information by chance and it was such a relief! I'm not evil or broken, I can be a good human being despite not wanting sex or caring for sexuality. Trauma left it's mark though, I'm still irrationally afraid of telling my family about my orientation, like it's something bad when it's not.

It’s really lame that this is actually a somewhat common conclusion people jump to when asked what they think of someone who has no interest in relationships or sex. I took a philosophy course in college, and I was horrified when we were discussing what we thought made someone “human.” We were discussing the Turing Test and all that stuff. The majority of people believed something like an extremely advanced AI/robot couldn’t be “human” if it didn’t have the capacity to experience romantic love or sexual desire and thus didn’t deserve the same protections as flesh and blood humans even if they otherwise behaved like normal people. Like wow okay, so  people who don’t experience those things are somehow “less human” too according to that line of thinking. I’ve also personally been called a psycho/sociopath once when I said I didn’t have a crush on anyone.

[will123]

On 1/6/2019 at 1:36 PM, Tunhope said:

The language wasn't there when I was in my teens, twenties, thirties, forties, fifties... then sometime in my sixties, I heard the word and thought ' So I'm not frigid - I'm ace. ' 

Reading a newspaper article about asexuality (that mentioned AVEN) when I was 44 (57 now). I thought, "This describes me to a T!" I was so happy!

 

On 1/20/2019 at 4:15 AM, PolkadotGumboots said:

I'm fairly late to the party! I only realised I am asexual this year (aged 46).  Was sourcing and purchasing LGBTQIA+ resources for work and found the ‘A’ part resonated with me. BIG TIME.

 

Never had crushes like my high school friends, either on classmates or celebrities. Set out to lose my virginity at age 22 so I would no longer be *different* from my peers. Had a number of short relationships over the next six years. However, was often told I seemed indifferent to and/or never initiated sex. Looking back now, I realise I was trying to meet social expectations instead of my own needs.

 

By my late 20s I wondered why I couldn’t commit and questioned my sexuality. Perhaps I was gay and repressed? But that didn’t gel either.

 

I’m so happy to read that people are embracing their asexuality at a much earlier age due resources like AVEN.

I feel the same way when I read about asexuals that identify at an earlier age. I never fretted about my 'sexuality', but then again didn't think much about sex and romance in the first place. Without any knowledge about asexuality, I figured I was heterosexual by default since I had no attraction or interest in males.

On 1/25/2019 at 1:26 AM, Sally said:

Not soon enough.  

Exactly. Would've saved a lost of wasted time...

[œddy]

On 1/20/2019 at 9:15 AM, PolkadotGumboots said:

Set out to lose my virginity at age 22 so I would no longer be *different* from my peers. Had a number of short relationships over the next six years. However, was often told I seemed indifferent to and/or never initiated sex. Looking back now, I realise I was trying to meet social expectations instead of my own needs.

That's my 20's summed up as well, took so long to realise I was only doing it for that reason. Always thought only men would have that expectation put upon them.

[Guest]

I realized when I was a teenager that I didn't have the same feelings about sex as everyone else. I didn't know what to call it back then, but I eventually accepted that as part of me and (mostly) stopped caring that I wasn't "normal."  It was only a few weeks ago that I learned there was a label for it and that I wasn't just some weird anomaly.

[The Cake is Not a Lie]

I realized recently. After trying to figure out my sexuality for a couple months no label felt right to me until I thought I might be asexual but I dismissed it. After a few weeks I did a bit of research and the label of asexuality felt like it fit.

[Mx. Who]

It's all thanks to Overly Sarcastic Productions

(About a year and 3 months ago)

[Purple Wanderer]

December 23rd 2017. Round about 11:30 pm.

 

I admitted to myself I dont just have a low sex drive but actually didnt want sex and never had. Epiphany moment. cue alot of googling. Found this place.

[Nick2]

1 hour ago, Purple Wanderer said:

December 23rd 2017. Round about 11:30 pm.

 

I admitted to myself I dont just have a low sex drive but actually didnt want sex and never had. Epiphany moment. cue alot of googling. Found this place.

2 days before Xmas?  Nice present to yourself.

[CrazyCatLover]

So I never dated in high school. I was one of those high-achievers involved in a million and one clubs, so that fact alone wasn't necessarily a red flag that I might not be heterosexual. I had crushes on a couple classmates but nothing ever came of them. When I went to college, I had someone ask me out almost immediately and then got really creeped out by how quickly things were moving and left him. His interpretation was that I was inexperienced and not ready for a relationship. I remember thinking, "no, I'm ready, but I don't want to move that quickly." 

 

A few months later, I had a bisexual friend who was convinced that every person is bisexual to some degree and tried to convince me that I was too. Her questions lead me to realized I had never experienced sexual attraction and do a google search for "asexuality" to see if that was even a thing (keep in mind this was over a decade ago when asexuality was considerably less well known than it is even now). As soon as I found out that sexual attraction can exist separate from romantic attraction, I knew I was ace. It took me another six or seven years to figure out my romantic orientation (aromantic, but I do experience platonic and sensual attraction which makes things confusing), but I knew immediately that asexuality fit. 

[Eeena]

I just realized it recently at age 32. It has been a gradual realization over the past year. I started reading about demisexuality and that resonated. But the further along I get into my relationship with my current partner, the more I'm realizing I am closer to being asexual.

I grew up in a very devout evangelical Christian family/environment, so abstinence was very core to my upbringing and way of life. That suited me just fine because I wasn't actually interested in sex, but the conservatism of it left me with no room to actually explore my identity. I left the church 10 years ago. Now I study and explore more esoteric forms of Spirituality.

My 3rd relationship (5 years ago) was my first relationship where I really started to explore forms of sexual intimacy and I found it rather horrifying. I was told by that person that I was horribly sexually repressed and had a "toxic neurosis" about sex. I felt he was wrong, but did entertain the idea that something was wrong with me. I now know how wrong he was. My current partner is so patient and supportive and understanding!

Now I'm trying to expose myself to and educate myself on the diversity of gender and sexual expression that I was never exposed to as a child or young adult. It's a really exciting journey! Challenging too! It's difficult to be a highly sensitive, asexual person in this world.