Asexuals, aromantics, and/or aroaces: how do you respond to those who show interest in you romantically?

[knittinghistorian]

14 hours ago, ColeHW said:

I can naturally pick up on people instantaneously either by pupil size, voice changes, heart rate (yes i can know what your heart rate is.), mainly physiological symptoms.

Are you Sherlock?

[ColeHW34]

16 minutes ago, knittinghistorian said:

Are you Sherlock?

I might as well be,

[snowball270]

With a mixture of surprise, bafflement and pity.

 

Fortunatly My 'aura' of 'stay the heck away from me' seemed to have worked until I messed it up.

[snowball270]

With a mixture of surprise, bafflement and pity.

 

Fortunatly My 'aura' of 'stay the heck away from me' seemed to have worked until I messed it up.

[Yarenios]

Last year, after a year of one of my classmates/friends-ish (who has a very low self-esteem) talking to me about this guy she liked and how she was afraid to confess to him her feelings, she indirectly told me I was the guy she liked. I had been previously trying to help give her the courage to approach this guy (it was causing her a lot of stress), but I never realized that she had been talking about me. I freaked out once I figured out that she was serious (I originally laughed it off because I thought she was being sarcastic) and tried to avoid her as much as possible after really clumsily rejecting her (I definitely did not like her). We don't talk anymore, and I think it's about 90% my fault.  

 

That was my one experience rejecting someone and that still brings up feelings of guilt and embarrassment whenever I think of it. And if the person who told me their feelings was instead a close platonic friend, then I think I might have handled it even worse (as I would have no idea how to save the friendship - hopefully we would be close enough that we could recover though). Luckily I don't have to worry about this because I am pretty sure all my close friends view me platonically and I'd like to keep it that way. But still, even though I am more mature now, I really hope I never find myself in that type of situation again.

[NickyTannock]

I'm not aware of anyone showing interest in me.
I'd probably tell them that I'm an Aromantic Asexual, and then feel guilty for hurting their feelings.

[Zash]

My general plan is several layers.  First, I have my friends run interference.  They can usually intercept any one who is being flirty.  Second layer is a wall of obfuscating stupidity when it comes to anyone being flirty.  (Basically, completely missing any flirting thrown at me).  Third layer is the simple statement of, "You're not my type."  And the fourth and final layer is active hostility.

 

This is, of course, assuming they are just a random stranger.  I rarely have to deal with friends becoming interested, because I am pretty out and up front about my aceness, so it tends to head things off before they become a problem.

[Lightning Blue Ray]

I would tell them clearly that I don't mind being friends, but a relationship is a no-go zone for me.

[lynxfratelli]

I think I'd like to have all the information. I've been in a similar situation many times and I think I can handle it a bit more now because I can honestly ask the other person about what they want. I've never liked anyone and because of that, I used to feel hurt when a friend told me that they liked me. I felt a bit betrayed as if they became my friends because they liked me romantically and not sincerely as a friend. In those situations, I would normally cease all communication and never talk to them again except for short answers if they asked how I was doing. Something I think would have helped me a lot is as I mentioned before knowing all the information. Like if these feelings are recent or if they expect me to do something or say something back. If hey expected to be in a relationship, then what kind of relationship did they want. This way I can decide what to do and feel more relaxed instead of panicking because I assume they want a romantic and sexual relationship.  Also, I would like to know that even if I don't feel the same we don't need to avoid each other and can continue to be friends.   

[Xenomorpheus]

The way i see it, everyone reacts differently. Some people will feel uncomfortable and will ghost you, some will take it as a compliment even if they don't feel the same way about you. It's hard to tell as we're all wired differently.

 

As for me, if someone shows interest in me because my looks are compatible with their personal tastes, then i feel pretty disgusted. Hate it when someone's into me because of something so superficial. But if someone likes me for my kindness, intelligence and creativity and enjoys conversations with me then i think it's delightful. And if they possess similar traits and are asexual, i might even feel the same way.

 

My advice, tell him. Not only will you feel better no matter what you'll find out, but most of all, hiding such things doesn't make the friendship very genuine. Take care.

[Time2Jack]

I get anxious and think there must be something wrong with them 😑

[MrDane]

On 10/26/2018 at 11:24 PM, sacred-stoner said:

I don't know if this will get any attention, but here it goes.

 

I've known a certain boy for 4 years now. At this point in time, we are without a doubt very close friends. However, I've also come to love him romantically (no, I don't have a crush. I mean "love" in every literal sense of the word) as the years went on. I'm debating whether or not I should reveal these feelings to him at some point in time. It doesn't make sense to me that I should feel this strongly toward him and yet never convey these feelings. A confession sounds really enticing at this point.

 

Unfortunately, I don't know how to say "I love you" without conveying the wrong message. My idea of romance does not involve dating, nor kissing,  nor sex (I'm asexual). However, most people associate love with this kind of thing. I need to express my feelings without leading him to think that I desire a conventionally romantic relationship, which I don't. I don't want to be his girlfriend, and I don't want to call him my boyfriend. I especially don't want him to jump to the conclusion that I'm sexually attracted to him. But it's sometimes difficult for allosexuals to extricate sexual attraction and the like from simple romantic love.

 

The biggest problem I face is that my friend may be aromantic. He's a likely asexual, never having cared for sex, never having shown sexual attraction to another human being. He just doesn't care for that stuff, just as I don't. While we're the same in that respect, we may differ romantically. He has never shown romantic interest in a girl and has never dated/expressed a desire to date. Though he appears to reciprocate the same concern and affection that I have for him (a big feat considering how emotionally-reserved and nonchalant he is), I can't be sure that these are romantic feelings. Many aromantics on AVEN have expressed a fear of being the target of someone's romantic feelings. I don't want to make him uncomfortable by expressing my own romantic feelings.

 

So, how would you respond if someone very close to you confessed their romantic love? Would you be uncomfortable? If so, do you suggest I avoid confessing to this boy?

I think, the question is: how would you feel if the message was neither send nor received. If you both feel awkward/repulsed by to mouch, then keep it simple. Perhaps start with telling about all the stuff you are not comfortable with. Then what you feel and hope for. Then what it still doesnt make you want to do. Ask for forgiveness, understanding and hope to see you again. 

[sababajwa]

I try to tell them I can’t have sex they look at me confused 🤷🏽‍♀️ haha. I mean the guy can be phenomenal but hey he is sexual and I am not. I do wish I was I don’t want to die alone I want to meet a nice man and have sex but how I will accomplish this is only through a deep mental connection and him being innocent as I and feeling comfort and I don’t even know if that will make me sexual but I’m someone who wants my sexuality fixed and if it won’t be that is fine. Will I die asexual? Definitely for me connection is everything in a relationship but it’s a matter of trying sex and maybe my libido is low and I can train my mind to like sex? I’m not quite sure. I really hope one day to have sex, Tbh I have seen penis etc. my ex husband, did it make me aroused? No. Did I like him? Not very much. He wasn’t kind. Do I like sex? I don’t think so, if a guy was to kiss my neck ya I might feel tickles but the fact is, if his thing can’t go in it’s useless. It’s sad cause I do want to get married. I hide my sexuality from people I know in real none of them know except my ex and one other old friend. Since I was married they think I was sexual they don’t the truth nor will I label myself. It’s tiring explaining.

[SilentRose]

When I was single...very awkwardly. If anyone showed the slightest hint of romantic or sexual interest, I would avoid them like the plague until they got the picture. For those who didn't, when they asked me out I would simply make a reference to my busy schedule and say I'm not really interested in dating right now and didn't have time for anything. And as far as sexual interests, I'm not out as asexual but i am very upfront with everyone who knows me that i don't do casual sex or hookups, ever. Most of the time when I told someone this they were very respectful, sometimes embarrassed, but they backed off. But my general strategy is to avoid until I can't anymore, than just be firm and make my lack of interest clear in a non mean way.

[Ldlelee]

There's a small part of me that's flattered, despite myself. This person finds me attractive, and that's a compliment. (How they go about it is a completely different story, though.) Whenever someone shows romantic interest in me, I'm usually baffled. I feel compelled to ask, "What? Why me? Are your eyes okay?" And then I tell them that I'm not interested in a relationship.

[Blaiddmelyn]

I've sort of been in that situation before (i.e. someone I was friends with confessing feelings for me) and was honest - said I wasn't sure how I felt. We talked about what dating would mean for both of us and decided to give it a shot. We did break up eventually though so, you know, swings and roundabouts there. But it helped a lot to have that initial conversation.

 

If it's not someone I know well, I tend to be kind of oblivious actually 😛 Usually, I'm honest if confronted directly. The oddest I've had is someone I met a few months before they were due to leave the country soon. I definitely had a crush on them (my office mate got a running update on the situation every few days, regardless of how much she cared), and I am 85% sure they had a crush on me, but since we'd only met recently and they were due to leave the country,  I didn't want to encourage them since any short term relationship would likely involve sex: I figured we were better just staying as friends, rather than having the conversation. So our interactions were a mixture of flirting and suddenly rowing back, which made the friendship a little odd. But ah well.

[Smol Fox]

I'm just like "no". If it's someone I have to encounter frequently then I'll just tell them that I'm not interested in relationships. If it's a close friend then they already know that I'm ace and aro and all that jazz. I don't feel bad, since I'm pretty blunt and aloof, but more so uncomfortable when those things happens.

[Anime Pancake]

This is a common thing, wondering if a person tell their feelings or keep the friendship comfortable.

 

In my opinion if a friendship is sincere, if a person says they have feelings for them it wont be bad for the friendship. Even if they do or dont have the same feelings

 

I think you should probably define your own wants and what romance means to you before trying to explain it to them

 

[Mr. Pie]

Honestly, I would just smile, and say that first off, "I am very flattered that you are attracted to me, but I am not interested".  I would then tell them that I have no sexual or romantic attraction to anyone. 

Now, if I didn't know them I would either politely excuse myself or keep talking to them, depending on how they react.  However, if they are a friend I would reassure them, that I still care for them, and want to remain friends. 

[N90]

I'm not sure how I'd respond. I suppose it would depend on how well we get on and how much I like them. I've nothing against sex or romance but never had much interest in it myself. I also haven't also had the best experience dating so I don't think I'd go rushing into anything serious. I think I'd be willing to take things slow and see things develop if we were good friends for awhile before dating. By the sounds of things, I think the 2 of you know each other quite well and get on well enough for you 2 to have a frank and open conversation about how you feel; that you adore him but aren't into him sexually or don't want sex. Sounds like he might understand how you feel.

[AmIAroKatie]

I've had friends ask me out before.  I can count 4 that were friends, and a few that were non-friends.   I would be perfectly comfortable with them before, hanging out with them like friends do without any awkwardness.  But the moment romantic feelings come in to play, I suddenly get really uncomfortable.  And I feel all this intense pressure being put on me, and I don't know why.  I start to freak out.  I start imaging things.  What if I say yes, and start dating them.  I think about all the things I'll be expected to do in a relationship (and I dont just mean sex),  I just mean, all the work, all that responsibility, all that pressure.  The thoughts quickly start to overwhelm me.  In the end, I typically start to avoid whoever confessed to me.  It's really quite sad.  Two of the friends I stayed friends with.  One stayed close friends and we are to this day.  However, the other one... still friends but we dont hang out as much.  Things got... awkward...  It was around the last two times I was asked out, that I realized that there was something really off with me.  Why did I always react this strongly when someone showed romantic interest in me.  Why did I always get so repulsed and uncomfortable, so intensely and so quickly.   It was then that I discovered asexuality / aromanticism.   (about a year and a half ago),  and have been getting more and more confident that that's what I am as everyday goes by. 

I dunno, I love having friends, I love having my close intimate relationships with the 3 best friends I have.  But... only platonically.  When someone looks to me in a romantic way, I feel like they're putting pressure on me to be "the one" for them and... I guess, that just freaks me out.  I have no problem being loyal, and devoted to people.   I just want to be able to do such of my own will and in my own time.  If that makes sense.   

I can't give you advice on your own situation.  I don't know your friend, he may be happy to hear your feelings, or he may react in a different way.   Love is always a risk.  It's for you to decide what you want to do.  

[Guest]

Honestly, I couldn't tell you that last time I had to deal with someone showing romantic interest in me. I consider that a blessing, 😎. 

 

Should I have to deal with it in the future, however, I would simply just tell them I'm not interested. I think that's honest and straight to the point. 

[Smol Fox]

"Damn, that's too bad."

[Evenstar]

I'd probably run/distance myself at first, unless I knew the person and they knew me well. As a demiromantic, I find the concept of being interested in someone before you know anything about them a bit weird and unsettling... I'd feel like if the person didn't know me that they'd have some kind of idea or assumption they like about me rather than me for who I actually am. I can't comprehend that kind of attraction. If I knew the person, then it would take me a long time before I'd be willing to reciprocate, if at all.

[BlakeTheNightowl~]

On 10/26/2018 at 2:24 PM, sacred-stoner said:

I don't know if this will get any attention, but here it goes.

 

I've known a certain boy for 4 years now. At this point in time, we are without a doubt very close friends. However, I've also come to love him romantically (no, I don't have a crush. I mean "love" in every literal sense of the word) as the years went on. I'm debating whether or not I should reveal these feelings to him at some point in time. It doesn't make sense to me that I should feel this strongly toward him and yet never convey these feelings. A confession sounds really enticing at this point.

 

Unfortunately, I don't know how to say "I love you" without conveying the wrong message. My idea of romance does not involve dating, nor kissing,  nor sex (I'm asexual). However, most people associate love with this kind of thing. I need to express my feelings without leading him to think that I desire a conventionally romantic relationship, which I don't. I don't want to be his girlfriend, and I don't want to call him my boyfriend. I especially don't want him to jump to the conclusion that I'm sexually attracted to him. But it's sometimes difficult for allosexuals to extricate sexual attraction and the like from simple romantic love.

 

The biggest problem I face is that my friend may be aromantic. He's a likely asexual, never having cared for sex, never having shown sexual attraction to another human being. He just doesn't care for that stuff, just as I don't. While we're the same in that respect, we may differ romantically. He has never shown romantic interest in a girl and has never dated/expressed a desire to date. Though he appears to reciprocate the same concern and affection that I have for him (a big feat considering how emotionally-reserved and nonchalant he is), I can't be sure that these are romantic feelings. Many aromantics on AVEN have expressed a fear of being the target of someone's romantic feelings. I don't want to make him uncomfortable by expressing my own romantic feelings.

 

So, how would you respond if someone very close to you confessed their romantic love? Would you be uncomfortable? If so, do you suggest I avoid confessing to this boy?

Alright so I love my best friend we have a close bond friendship and I love him but not romantically nor sexually since I’m aroace and also repulsed too and romance repulsed but I also think just being there for them talking to them company them is showing them love  personally I’d be awkwarded out uncomfortable with it  but no you should confess to him and be honest with him so he doesn’t feel led on by romantic feelings 

[Fluffy Femme Guy]

I don't think I would mind having someone crush on me as long as it doesn't lead to weird/questionable behavior.

[Dreamsexual]

I .

[Yui-Drakon]

Happened to me last year. Since I am too stupid to notice if people are romantically interested in me. I thought we were just good friends but the other person saw us as being intimate, so it eventually led to a fight over disagreement. I tried to say that I wasn't interested and I was feeling worried about breaking their heart, however the person understood the exact opposite. It calmed down a bit when I told about my asexuality.

 

I really hope this never happens again... 

[Strange_Charms]

On 10/29/2018 at 3:29 PM, PixleyDust✨ said:

It usually goes one of three ways for me (or possibly a cyclical progression of all  three when the stars align just right).

 

So,

 

1.) I’ll either be totally oblivious to someone’s flirtations or be paranoid that I’m reading too much into what just might be an actual friendship (I was a socially awkward, chronically lonely child). Either way, someone’s oblivious and is low-key suffering. Just a bit. 😆

 

OR

 

2.) I’ll admire the idea of romantic affection/relationships from afar but freak right the fuck out when it’s an actual possibility for me and start, what I call, “dudebro-ing” as much as possible as a way to emotionally distance myself from that person.

 

OR 

 

3.) My personal favorite (best expressed by meme)...

But anyway it goes, I try to reassure myself that a real friend will understand if you don’t like them that way and hang with you anyway. It might be awkward, but they’ll stick around because the friendship you have is worth wading through that initial awkwardness. 

 

But yeah, that’s pretty much my weirdass, grayish aromaticism in a nutshell. I hope this has been stimulating and informative. 🤣

THIS ^^^^

 

I know that when anyone confessed to me, my reaction was to distance myself and fake misunderstanding until either A) the topic was dropped or if it wasn't dropped, B) total emotional wall, I am now nothing but cordial and avoidant. Then again though, this has never happened with a close friend, so there's definitely the possibility that he may be chill with it. You know him better than I. I guess it'd come down to whether you really think he'd be bothered by it and whether or not the friendship is worth 'risking' for a relationship.

 

Best of luck to ya!!

[verymelancholic]

Respond? I am so f---ing bad at picking up hints that I still wouldn't know if it slapped me in the face. Then again, I would probably never have anyone like me that way, so what's the point, really?