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Asexuals, aromantics, and/or aroaces: how do you respond to those who show interest in you romantically?


sacred-stoner

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sacred-stoner

I don't know if this will get any attention, but here it goes.

 

I've known a certain boy for 4 years now. At this point in time, we are without a doubt very close friends. However, I've also come to love him romantically (no, I don't have a crush. I mean "love" in every literal sense of the word) as the years went on. I'm debating whether or not I should reveal these feelings to him at some point in time. It doesn't make sense to me that I should feel this strongly toward him and yet never convey these feelings. A confession sounds really enticing at this point.

 

Unfortunately, I don't know how to say "I love you" without conveying the wrong message. My idea of romance does not involve dating, nor kissing,  nor sex (I'm asexual). However, most people associate love with this kind of thing. I need to express my feelings without leading him to think that I desire a conventionally romantic relationship, which I don't. I don't want to be his girlfriend, and I don't want to call him my boyfriend. I especially don't want him to jump to the conclusion that I'm sexually attracted to him. But it's sometimes difficult for allosexuals to extricate sexual attraction and the like from simple romantic love.

 

The biggest problem I face is that my friend may be aromantic. He's a likely asexual, never having cared for sex, never having shown sexual attraction to another human being. He just doesn't care for that stuff, just as I don't. While we're the same in that respect, we may differ romantically. He has never shown romantic interest in a girl and has never dated/expressed a desire to date. Though he appears to reciprocate the same concern and affection that I have for him (a big feat considering how emotionally-reserved and nonchalant he is), I can't be sure that these are romantic feelings. Many aromantics on AVEN have expressed a fear of being the target of someone's romantic feelings. I don't want to make him uncomfortable by expressing my own romantic feelings.

 

So, how would you respond if someone very close to you confessed their romantic love? Would you be uncomfortable? If so, do you suggest I avoid confessing to this boy?

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AmorphousBlob

I mean, I'm pretty chill about the whole thing. As long as the other person accepts whatever I tell em and doesn't push me to feel feelings that I don't it's cool. Tbh, as long as you don't go overboard or have any super unrealistic expectations, it'll prolly be ok. Might be awkward for a while tho.

 

Also, explain what you said about what you feel towards him. Try to get your message across without making him super uncomfortable. Sorry, I'm bad with this stuff. I'm pretty much socially inept.

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Love. Romance. Dating. I hear these terms all the time but I doubt I know what they mean. Maybe they're not important. Maybe what's most important is simple friendship. In my world of tribal warfare people wind up isolated by a technology that recreates reality in one's own image.  It dominates people's lives lives and they become wretchedly lonely and often filled with hate. That's why friends are so precious. Far better than this reality TV world I live in. Love? Romance? Dating? Maybe they're as real as the technology that fills itself with them. Friends are real. Everything else is just an illusion. 

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RottenInDenmark
2 hours ago, sacred-stoner said:

So, how would you respond if someone very close to you confessed their romantic love? Would you be uncomfortable? If so, do you suggest I avoid confessing to this boy?

A dear friend of mine did to me actually, I was little uncomfortable at first but later I partook in 'trying for a relationship'. which ended for obvious reason. With him being sexual, and i stated to him i couldn't love him in such a way. He said 'that was okay, since he don't love me for my body anyway.'

It wasn't the confessing that set me off, it was more I didn't take precautions since i wasn't confident in My asexuality back then. But once i told him i was asexual, he was very understanding. and we actually became closer. I'm not in a relationship with him but i can say I love him. and i'm glad he is still in my life as friend. 

 

can't say for sure how you should approach this, (especially if he is aromatic) I just personally' don't think confessing is bad. it's more how you go about it. wish i could give you any advice, but it's kinda up to you. Every person is different, you know this boy better, than any of us here. You never know what's gonna happen but it could be worth a shot. 

Me and my friend only got where we are now, because we lay all cards on the table on how we felt. I think you should always have someone' where you can say you love them without it indicating, dating, sex, and other stuff. Love is such a big thing, people never realize there is more than one way to love. 

 

- anyway hope you find out what you'll do. there are lovely people here to always help and answer your questions :)  good luck. 

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everywhere and nowhere

There have been no such people as far as I know.

I care relatively little about relationship - I mean, if I had to choose between relationship at the price of having some kind of sex and staying alone forever, I would definitely choose the latter. But I don't consider myself aromantic, staying completely single forever is not my preference. Although, my relationship preference is more "platonic" than "romantic" - but, on the other hand, I don't consider this distinction particularly significant, I believe that any relationship is unique and deserves a right to be defined on its own terms.

But it just... saddens me how much I seem to scare people away. Someone suggested that there may be something intimidating about me, that most people may avoid entering any emotionally intimate relations with me because they fear rejection, because I may create the impression of being a rejecting person. I don't even know how to change it. I don't think that there is anything "icy" about me; I'm often emotionally passionate to the point of getting hysterical easily. And, on the other hand, I don't really know if I would surely like to put down this intimidating "armor". Think about statistics on sexual harassment, particularly its more moderate forms such as catcalling. I am a feminist and I believe these statistics. I don't believe that they are wildly exaggerated and that, say, in fact only one woman in 20 experiences sexual harassment. But I can honestly admit that I have encountered such situations extremely rarely - single times and in a very benign, not too threatening form. Perhaps my "armor" also protects me from sexual harassment and this aspect is not something I would like to change...

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Passive aggression. Smile and nod but secretly want to hurt them.

 

Is this normal?

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I wouldn't be uncomfortable, more like surprised in a "Why the fuck is someone having romantic thoughts about me of all people" way.

 

However, I would make it extremely clear that I am only interested in pursuing solely romantic relationships and ask them to confirm if they are seeking a romantic relationship (ie can really stand never having sex with someone they are romantically intimate with?)  If the answer is that they absolutely need to have a sexual relationship for various reasons (like happiness or self-esteem) , I'd just turn them away from me ask them to find another sexual person they can give their feelings to. Maybe even give them resources on where to find people seeking the kind of relationships they want

 

 

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sacred-stoner
1 hour ago, The Dryad said:

Passive aggression. Smile and nod but secretly want to hurt them.

 

Is this normal?

I dunno, I'd feel super weirded-out if some rando (or someone I didn't like too much) came and confessed to me. Maybe even angry. Either way, I think some degree of discomfort is warranted.

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sacred-stoner
3 hours ago, RottenInDenmark🎃 said:

Me and my friend only got where we are now, because we lay all cards on the table on how we felt. I think you should always have someone' where you can say you love them without it indicating, dating, sex, and other stuff. Love is such a big thing, people never realize there is more than one way to love. 

That's the kind of relationship I want--one where I can say a simple "I love you" without any of the implications that are associated with the phrase. Fortunately, my friend and I have the kind of relationship where we can honestly lay all the cards on the table, which is part of the reason I want to tell him how I feel. Thanks for your advice!

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sacred-stoner
5 hours ago, Moon Demon ☽ said:

By distancing myself.

Yeah, I'm afraid of this sort of result. Hopefully, in the hypothetical scenario that he's aro and doesn't reciprocate, we're close enough to not feel the need to distance ourselves.

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9 hours ago, sacred-stoner said:

I dunno, I'd feel super weirded-out if some rando (or someone I didn't like too much) came and confessed to me. Maybe even angry. Either way, I think some degree of discomfort is warranted.

Lol, I've had friends that have had crushes on me, and I still felt that way, it's still stronger with a stranger but yeah....punching your friend out because they have a crush on you isn't nice/doesn't sound sane, so I don't follow my impulses.

 

Seriously, I sound crazy, I don't go around hitting people, I've never seriously punched anyone, but yeah. I guess that's the textbook definition of passive aggression?

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Anthracite_Impreza

I've never had anyone ask me out directly, but I've had (and currently am having) not-so-subtle hints on the matter (only really noticed after having it pointed out to me). It scares me tbh; I'm very anti-confrontational, I just can't do it, so I just tend to run away and hide (literally or metaphorically). I've even been known to say I'm in an 'it's complicated' to get them to quit.

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I would feel very uncomfortable. Maybe you could write him a letter explaining things to him like you have to us? That way you can think through everything and edit it instead of verbally. I think that’s what I’d do. 

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I don’t respond to them cause I’m so dense that I project a gravitational field so strong that it bends time around any notions of romantic interests ((((🧐)))). At best I notice like months to years later, and even then I can’t tell for certain. Only way anyone will break through is with a flat out repeated confession straight to my face. I say repeated because I’ll probably think the person is joking the first time. The second time I’ll probably ask if they’re sure or if something’s happened to them. Only then will the severity sink in 😅.

 

I guess if I knew the person well, I’d consider giving the whole relationship thing a try just to see what the whole deal is about. I’d just warn them not to expect too much considering I’m most certainly aromantic, not to mention the fact that I don’t have the finances to spend on pretty much anyone besides myself at the moment (and I’m not optimistic - or perhaps naive if you’re as cynical as me - enough to say that doesn’t matter).

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Geez this can be a sore spot with me. Before I knew I was aroace someone made advances to me and explained they were looking for a life partner. when I said that I was happy to be a friend but didn't want the life partner thing, they got mad and began stalking me. 

 

There are a load of mentally sick people out there, so I had to endure almost 5 years of stalking before I got out of it. 

 

So if someone even looks slightly interested I immediately put them straight (no pun intended)-in words of one syllable. Looking like an 'asexual shrew' doesn't bother me- getting my peaceful life turned upside down certainly does!😄

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It doesn’t happen very often, but if someone shows an interest in me romantically, I have a tendency to ignore it, pretend I am oblivious to it and just hope that it goes away. I know, that is probably not a good approach, but it gets me all anxious and flustered and I can’t bring myself to handle it an any other way.

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I’m probably not the best person at giving advice but here goes: 

personally I think it would be good to tell them, if you are absolutely certain that you feel that way towards them, and if you feel that you would like to deepen your relationship. Also, probably only do this if you are prepared for the response to be that they don’t quite feel the same way for you. 

Perhaps tell them how you feel, but also say that if they don’t return your feeling that you are fine with things staying as they are (don’t let it affect your current relationship). 

As an aroace I do actually experience repulsion and anxiety towards people who are attracted to me. This can also make me feel guilty and concerned. However, if they were willing to keep the relationship the same after their confession I would be fine with it. I’d imagqne most people would be fine, and would move on, and stay friends. As you sound like you get on well with this person I’m sure everything will turn out okay in the end (perhaps even better). Good luck and I hope you feel comfortable with your decision! ;)

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When someone starts to show romantic feelings for me, I tend to freak out, and I distance that person from myself. I do drop hints that I can't accept them though. If it's a friend, I continue treating them as a friend, and subtly reject their advances. However, it's not that many people had many romantic feelings for me, so I am inexperienced about this stuff. 

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I guess before confessing I’d think about what (if anything) I want to change about my current relationship with the person.

 

If the answer is “nothing, things are good the way they are,” I would not say anything because the above responses are all possibilities.

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On 10/27/2018 at 5:08 AM, The Dryad said:

Passive aggression. Smile and nod but secretly want to hurt them.

 

Is this normal?

Why do you want to hurt them?

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Just now, Salmiakki said:

Why do you want to hurt them?

I guess my brain sees them as a threat, but in the moment I get agitated and feel almost betrayed if it was a friend.

 

I guess a similar situation is someone who straight gets hit on by a gay friend, and gets angry about it, the whole 'you ruined our pure friendship'. 

 

(Actually when I was little, I had a friend kiss me on the cheek and I felt so violated, the teacher saw and acted like i was the bad person here, when I just got assaulted, that girl was lucky I didn't hit her I was so mad, and had the audacity to cry! The nerve!)

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Fluffy Femme Guy

Assuming I wasn't creeped out by the person in question, I'd actually be kinda okay with it.
The main thing that would be upsetting to me is the fact that I'd have to tell them that a (traditional) romantic relationship with me is basically impossible.
Even if they didn't want sex with me, romantic 'clingyness' is something I just don't have.

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knittinghistorian

I have kind of a history with this, so bear that in mind.

 

If I had a friend that started to fall in love with me, I would be crushed, as I lost a best friend to this exact scenario.  He wanted "more" (which is a way of expressing it that I deeply hate, BTW; romantic does not equal more).  It started with hand-holding, which made me super uncomfortable but I put up with it.  Then he made it explicit that he wanted a romantic relationship leading toward something like marriage, and I tried hard to fall in love with him, but I just couldn't.  I loved him, he was my best friend!  But I didn't love him the way he wanted.  We tried to maintain the friendship, but he became more and more distant and resentful, and finally it just fizzled out, rather to my relief at that point.  And even if he had put real effort into being my friend still (which I don't think he really did, honestly), I would have been uncomfortable and felt guilty.  I felt like it was up to me to give something I'm not capable of giving, and I felt really bad about it, like I was failing him or cheating him.

 

I think it's certainly possible to have a friendship continue after a revelation like this, or after one party falling in love with the other.  But it's never happened in my experience, and it was just really painful.  Therefore, my reaction to a friend falling in love with me would be "Oh no, the friendship will end painfully!  Noooo!"

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25 minutes ago, knittinghistorian said:

I think it's certainly possible to have a friendship continue after a revelation like this, or after one party falling in love with the other.  But it's never happened in my experience, and it was just really painful. 

I think often once one party has decided they want a relationship rather than a friendship, they only want the relationship and not the friendship anymore.

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PixleyDust✨

It usually goes one of three ways for me (or possibly a cyclical progression of all  three when the stars align just right).

 

So,

 

1.) I’ll either be totally oblivious to someone’s flirtations or be paranoid that I’m reading too much into what just might be an actual friendship (I was a socially awkward, chronically lonely child). Either way, someone’s oblivious and is low-key suffering. Just a bit. 😆

 

OR

 

2.) I’ll admire the idea of romantic affection/relationships from afar but freak right the fuck out when it’s an actual possibility for me and start, what I call, “dudebro-ing” as much as possible as a way to emotionally distance myself from that person.

 

OR 

 

3.) My personal favorite (best expressed by meme)...

6a3bf77a0dd218285446c675a2dee5c9.jpg

But anyway it goes, I try to reassure myself that a real friend will understand if you don’t like them that way and hang with you anyway. It might be awkward, but they’ll stick around because the friendship you have is worth wading through that initial awkwardness. 

 

But yeah, that’s pretty much my weirdass, grayish aromaticism in a nutshell. I hope this has been stimulating and informative. 🤣

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Fluffy Femme Guy
13 hours ago, knittinghistorian said:

"Oh no, the friendship will end painfully!  Noooo!"

This reminds me. At one point I had a little bit of a crush on one of my ladyfriends. Nothing major, I was fine just being friends.
I didn't confess or anything like that but I did let something slip when we were hanging out once. And she asked me about it later.
I confirmed that I wasn't lying or joking, but I told her I just wanted to stay friends since I *knew* it wouldn't work out between us, and I didn't want to risk ruining our friendship.
She understood and everything was/is fine. We still talk and nothing is weird.

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I'm usually fairly oblivious if someone has feelings towards me unless they outright say it or act really obvious about it. Most people don't, so I'd never know they liked me in that way unless they confessed. I had a couple of very close male friends that hinted at liking me, but I was daft and never noticed their feelings until we drifted out of contact (I legit had an "aha!" moment years later lol). I did have a close male friend though that didn't outright confess, but gave me a pretty heavy hint he wanted to be more than friends. It made me very uncomfortable... and sadly our relationship faded not only because of that but other things came up in our lives. I wish I would've handled that situation better, told him, "I'm flattered, but I think there's someone else out there for you. Sorry." but it was like my brain short circuited and I didn't want to talk to him anymore because I knew he probably thought naughty things about me :(  But anyway, if a guy I had been talking to for a few months tried to ask me out/confessed to me, I would feel confused and uncomfortable again...  and depending on the man's personality, especially if he's very aggressive/forward with his approaches even after I say no, I'd probably just avoid them. I think it's cute though when guys have innocent crushes on me and are too shy to talk to me. That's the only time I don't feel uncomfortable when someone has feelings for me.

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I can naturally pick up on people instantaneously either by pupil size, voice changes, heart rate (yes i can know what your heart rate is.), mainly physiological symptoms.

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