SweetTart

Arousal Without Sexual Attraction

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SweetTart

I'm starting to suspect I might not be Demi-sexual as I thought. This may be a bit tmi but hey, let's get into it.

 

I went on a date recently and during the movie the guy put his arm around me and started touching my arm, and I felt a brief flash of arousal from this. Now I'm not romantically or sexually attracted to this guy, it was more just a result of the action for a moment. This happened before my first kiss as well, again when they guy was just touching my hand/arms. I was attracted to that guy romantically, and I thought maybe sexually. But I later realized I never wanted to have sex with him, it was simply the action that caused that reaction, not the person themselves. I don't really enjoy it, in fact it makes me a bit uncomfortable because I'm not a very sensual person and my body and emotions seem to experience a disconnect sometimes.

 

Is it possible to simply experience arousal from a specific action/scenario and not a person themselves?

 

On a similar note I feel like I could enjoy and even be aroused by bdsm (specifically bondage/domination) but wouldn't really feel sexually attracted to the person themselves, more so the situation. What even is this?

 

I don't know if this even makes sense lol. Feeling a bit confused.

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KendraPM

I have a high libido, so yeah I experience something similar to this. Before realizing I was ace I used to joke saying that "People ruin sex for me" or that "I like sex, just not with people" or even "my sex life is awesome when no one's in it." (I actually still make that joke, it just makes more sense to me now than the "haha, look how weird and broken I am" self-deprecating thing it used to be.)

For me its more concepts and ideas that turn me on over stimulation, although stimulations can too. Combined with being highly sensual, this made it very difficult to figure out what was "wrong" with me that I would rush headfirst into sexual situations and then abruptly put on the breaks when it came time to cross the finish line, so to speak.

I don't know if you're similar, but I've learned through trial and error that while I can have sex when turned on, I prefer not to. Its why I say I love the idea of sex, but not the reality. I enjoy getting turned on, I can even enjoy the stimulations from other people (when in a situation where I can sort of get lost in my own head and kind of ignore them, and as long as its limited), arousal is fun for me. Its just that thinking about people, even myself, kills that arousal. Or when it comes time for actual sexual content then... I'd rather not, thanks anyway.

 

EDIT: I'm the same when it comes to bdsm. I don't know if it's related to the rest, but that is something that I also relate to.

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FictoCannibal.

As long as you have no desire to actually carry that arousal through to sexual intimacy then that's still asexuality. If it actually makes you *want* some kind of sexual stimulation with that person then it's more than mere arousal - it's a kind of sexual attraction towards them. The fact that you start actively wanting more sexual contact means that you're becoming drawn to that person specifically in a sexual way. If you just accept the arousal but don't desire it to lead to anything further then all that means is your body is reacting to touch but it's still ace. 

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Philip027
Quote

Is it possible to simply experience arousal from a specific action/scenario and not a person themselves?

Yes.  That's pretty much the entire idea behind the concept of a libidoist ace.

 

There's also a difference between physical arousal and mental arousal.  As some others here have put it, being ace doesn't necessarily mean the plumbing doesn't work.

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SweetTart
40 minutes ago, KendraPM said:

For me its more concepts and ideas that turn me on over stimulation, although stimulations can too. Combined with being highly sensual, this made it very difficult to figure out what was "wrong" with me that I would rush headfirst into sexual situations and then abruptly put on the breaks when it came time to cross the finish line, so to speak.

Yeah mostly it's a concept thing over actual stimulation, I've just noticed that touch can sometimes cause that reaction. I'm not really a sensual person so it's strange for me when a reaction to touch like that does happen, because in my mind I'm just thinking something along the lines of "I'd rather you didn't touch me/I didn't have this reaction."

 

28 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

As long as you have no desire to actually carry that arousal through to sexual intimacy then that's still asexuality. If it actually makes you *want* some kind of sexual stimulation with that person then it's more than mere arousal - it's a kind of sexual attraction towards them. The fact that you start actively wanting more sexual contact means that you're becoming drawn to that person specifically in a sexual way. If you just accept the arousal but don't desire it to lead to anything further then all that means is your body is reacting to touch but it's still ace. 

I'd say it's definitely the second. It doesn't make me desire anything more, it just seems almost like an involuntary reaction at times. Honestly it almost reminds me of a shiver after a gust of cold wind, it's just there and gone with no input of your own.

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FictoCannibal.
3 minutes ago, SweetTart said:

I'd say it's definitely the second. It doesn't make me desire anything more, it just seems almost like an involuntary reaction at times. Honestly it almost reminds me of a shiver after a gust of cold wind, it's just there and gone with no input of your own.

Yeah I've known ace guys here who get involuntary erections from all sorts of stuff (even just catching a glimpse of cleavage or whatever). It's understandable the same might happen under some circumstances for females too. The human body is still biologically designed to desire sexual intimacy with others, so even if the desire isn't actually there (in the case of an ace) they still have a human body that may react very 'humanly' in some circumstances, just without the underlying desire to actually connect with others on a sexual level (because that would imply some level of sexual attraction to the person one wants to have sex with!). :)

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